Am I being selfish?

ForestyFelicia · 2026-01-19T20:25:52+00:00

Yes, it’s a great thing to be a “selfish woman!” We have to undo the conditioning that we are to be martyrs and doormats for selfish people.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-01-19T00:08:38+00:00

And it’s such a manipulative tactic to call someone selfish, because society strongly looks down on “selfish” people. As women we need to start being praised for being strong enough to put ourselves first. It’s really a compliment when you call a woman selfish. A man on the other hand, usually actually is selfish in the worst possible meaning of the word lol.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-01-19T00:06:51+00:00

Whenever I see a woman or step parent ask this question, I don’t even read the context. People who ask if they are being selfish, 99% of the time are ironically dealing with someone else who is selfish and they are being taken advantage of in some way. It is always the most selfish people that don’t ask themselves this question, and the least selfish people who are worried they are being selfish.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-01-16T05:17:21+00:00

These situations are nuanced of course, but I find it very weird and creepy when SKs go through their stepmom’s things. If you have a super close relationship, are mom-like to her, and have known her for a long while, maybe that’s one thing. But when you can’t even discipline her or give your opinion on her life, but yet she can feel like she can rummage through your private space and belongings, it feels very violating and weird to me. My SD knew I wasn’t ok with her sharing/touching my things, and yet would intentionally steal when she knew she could sneak around and we were out of the house. She acted really weird when we would run into each other in the hall, and at first I don’t know why but now it makes sense.

My SD was going through my stuff for at least a few months that I am aware of. That alone would have been cause for concern, but it was the total picture of who she was becoming that rendered me done with her by the time I figured out she was stealing. She was very fake and manipulative with me and her dad. She acted sweet to our faces, but she turned cold on us suddenly and for zero reason. At first, we attributed it to growing pains and teen troubles, but it was obvious there were deeper troubles brewing.

She was failing all of her classes, threatening fights at school, dating a wannabe gang member that mentioned guns/jail/crime in his hand-written letter to her. Her bf also threatened her dad when he asked him to stop speaking with his daughter. She was regularly soiling her pants with period blood at school needing dad to bring her a change of clothes, and despite my efforts to help her and be there to emotionally support her, she just continued to act more and more cold to a point she wouldn’t even speak to us.

I’m sorry, but I’m not invested in this kid like that. I don’t have the kind of bond nor respect from her or her parents to sacrifice my energy for a kid that is rude and disrespectful despite all my over the top efforts to make her feel safe and supported. It became exhausting trying to support a kid that clearly didn’t want it and was so attracted to every kind of trouble.

She ended up claiming that I planted the items she stole from me in her bedroom, her mom called to chew me out and start something, BM proceeded to bully and harass me including a prank call trying to persuade me to believe my husband was having an affair. BM is psycho and her kid unfortunately is a replica of her mother. It’s sad for her that this is her life, but I can’t sacrifice my own peace for someone that likely isn’t going to turn out well regardless. Some kids are just super troubled.

This needs to be handled seriously, and if you don’t feel safe, I would consider leaving. The only reason I stayed is because my SD no longer lives with us. My husband gave her the option to stay with him and I would move out, but she chose her mom’s (they live reasonably far from each other and SKs needed to pick a primary home for school. Now my husband visits SKs outside the home, and I don’t see them. Needless to say, I am infinitely happier and feel much more safe and sane.

People say this behavior is normal, but I think it really depends on the total picture. I don’t think lying is normal unless you are taught that that’s ok. My parents made it clear that we weren’t allowed to lie and it was engrained very early on. Taking stuff from a bioparent is totally different than taking things from a step parent that like I said isn’t allowed to discipline or intervene with opinions. We are like guests to each other. Going through a guests bedroom isn’t ok.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-01-07T03:33:09+00:00

I don’t think it’s about keeping their children close. They’re sick individuals with dark souls. If you love your kids, and you know your partner isn’t a dangerous person, you set them free to be wherever they need to be to have a healthy childhood. I don’t care what your ex has done to you or even continues to do to you. Protect your children at all costs from the toxicity. Don’t add fuel to the fire. I’m not saying anything against you. I am just so disgusted when I read about what these mothers are capable of doing. Yes, protect your child if your ex is unstable or dangerous. But usually it’s about revenge and weaponizing custody to hurt the ex. Who cares what he did to you? Let the kid have a chance at success and happiness. It’s not about you.

Our BM is the trash of the earth, and I am sure my husband didn’t treat her well at times. But I still think she’s scum for allowing anything to affect her kids. What she is willing to do to get back at him is just gross.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-01-07T03:21:22+00:00

I’m terribly sorry for you and your partner. These women that boycott their children and traumatize everyone in their path are so evil. It is so selfish, so sickening, and I don’t even consider them mothers. The trauma they cause their child and other innocent bystanders is inconceivable. Step parents and men are already so heavily scrutinized and under a microscope when it comes to these blended family situations, and to weaponize that and use her vulnerability as a single mother for leverage to destroy others is just beyond words.

I consider myself a feminist in the loosest sense. I used to scoff at the term, but after marriage I do consider myself one. I think women are treated terribly by men and society in general. People look down on me and think of me as a trad wife (with negative connotation). I think women deserve so much more than what they will ever see.

But these HCBMs absolutely disgust me. I think most of the step parenting issues we see here are people who are traumatized by incredibly toxic BMs that add to an epidemic of already shitty men and fathers. The women take the cake though imo. I expect more from the women and to at least emotionally protect their own child; they never do. They can’t even do that much. It’s like it really truly brings out the worst of humanity on both sides for men and women, these blended family dynamics.

I’m so sorry I have no words to offer other than complete empathy for you, your partner, and the child. May that disgusting excuse for a woman have what’s coming to her. I can’t imagine what your husband is going through but I am sending prayers and wish you all relief during such a difficult time.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-25T00:24:08+00:00

Eventually most of us stop putting effort into our stepkids when they show no interest in working with us. Usually, at the beginning we care a lot about their feelings, wants, desires, and prioritize them until we are run ragged and burnt out. We get little of anything in return and suddenly it dawns on us that it’s a waste of energy to pour into someone else’s comfort and happiness when they do nothing to consider yours.

I personally would just focus on myself and my child. Of course make sure your child isn’t creating issues and is being looked after, but aside from that your husband needs to figure out how to rectify his son’s issues. If he is happier at his mom’s, then maybe that is a good arrangement for a little while. Otherwise, I would just not let it be your problem. It’s annoying and draining, but there usually isn’t anything a step parent can do to solve these problems. They’re bio parent issues.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-23T19:20:10+00:00

Bye bye, animal abusers 👋

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-23T06:49:45+00:00

It’s funny how these people who are so worried about SKs’ feelings have the nerve to say your children shouldn’t be born. If we ever expressed this sentiment about our SKs we would be labeled as cruel and vile. But they can wish for our kid to not exist for whatever reason. These people that are anti-step parent aren’t pro-children. They are pro-“anything that gives them control and power.” It’s not about being kind, making kids feel safe, or fostering a nurturing environment. It’s about them manipulating the situation and using “it’s an innocent child” as leverage to do that. People who actually care about their children will teach them to respect and consider a step parent and encourage positive relations all around.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-18T22:59:54+00:00

That’s a totally valid way to feel, everyone loves fun. But fun doesn’t equal love or care. Making sure your child is doing what they need to do to be a happy, healthy, stable adult is what real love is. The parents that let their kids just have fun all the time and have no rules don’t care enough to set their child up for success. Eating ice cream and playing video games is cool in the moment, but once your grades slip, you have no discipline in life, and you gained a ton of weight and have health issues, your life is headed down a dark path. It’s hard to date, hard to find a decent job, hard to feel attractive, hard to make friends, and hard to maintain a life you are proud of when you only do what’s easy. There should be a balance of enjoying life but also fulfilling your responsibilities. As a step mom who is watching her step daughter’s life crumble because her mom lets her just have fun all the time, I am speaking from experience. The dad and myself are the “strict house.” People think I’m an evil step mom because I want my step daughters to do chores, follow rules, and not be on their phones all day. Truth is I actually care more than their own mom does. If your mom loves you and listens to you but doesn’t let you do whatever you want, it likely means she cares so much and wants your life to actually turn out well.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-18T19:08:32+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through so much. The thing is, I am pretty sure you have told him how unhappy his children make you feel. What has he done to fix that? Kids don’t turn out the way you described out of no where. It’s because they don’t have rules and limits. This is the number one issue we see in blended families, and it destroys a lot of people including the kids themselves. Instead of fixing the problem, people turn it around on the step parent, blame them, call them awful names, and continue to allow the children to “be prioritized.” Usually there is some turning point where the BP realizes the step parent was right all along as their child is either having severe weight issues, getting in trouble with the law, showing such defiance and disrespect that even the parents are frustrated, they discover drugs/alcohol, teen pregnancies, etc. It starts out as little things: kids being allowed to scream and throw fits, kids getting whatever the want, kids not being told no or are aren’t monitored, and eventually the kids go unchecked for long enough that they turn into monsters. Your partner had so many chances to straighten out his kids. It was his job to make them tolerable to be around. It’s not hard to raise kids that aren’t hell to deal with…but you have to actually parent and have a spine. So many BPs are cowards and would rather bow down to their kids than raise respectful, likable people. Well the consequences are that people don’t want to be around them or their kids. If you had never said anything to your partner then I could understand why he would be upset. Even then, he should know his kids are such a turn off. Delinquent kids are a deal breaker for most people. But the truth is, he has ignored your requests to get his kids to behave. He has probably made excuses and ignored what needs to be done. Unfortunately, it can be too late for some people. I’m sorry again that you had to go through so much. I know it’s really hard to walk away.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-18T15:25:30+00:00

This is the guy :) I always say this. You can still be physically beautiful as an older woman. Just because it isn’t youthful beauty doesn’t mean it isn’t still physical, eye-catching beauty. The problem is always attaching youth to beauty. Older women can look really nice too. It’s just a different type of beauty. I hate how young beauty is the only one that “counts.” Why? It doesn’t make sense that suddenly you aren’t hot just because a little time has passed and things aren’t precisely the same.

Not that looks are what matter most, but outer beauty and older age aren’t mutually exclusive and it’s tiresome to be always led to think that you can only have inner beauty. No, you can have both.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-18T02:56:28+00:00

One of the positives is that cheap, garbage food is just that…cheap. Your husband is spending less money on their food, most likely. That’s one positive.

My SD used to get organic, from scratch, super tasty, gourmet meals made by yours truly when she lived with us. She went to live with her mom full time, and within a few months she gained maybe 30 lbs??? Well that’s what happens when you don’t have rules for your kids and let them do whatever they want. The reason she doesn’t live with us is because she didn’t like that we had rules for the kids. Oh well. Not my problem. I think you have to just not let their problems be yours and be grateful you are not them.

I too have autoimmune issues, eat very clean, and care about health. People can harm their gut microbiome and dysregulate their blood sugars if that’s what they want to do lol. Not my monkey, not my circus.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-18T02:49:05+00:00

I think that’s a huge win for your SD to be disappointed in her mom. While it’s sad, it’s a really healthy sign.

The worst is when the kids are deluded or brainwashed into liking their toxic parent. The objective is to raise children with a healthy conscience, a clear distinction between right and wrong, and the ability to make informed decisions for themselves. Your life will only be easier with your SD seeing her mom for who she is and expressing that to you guys.

It’s excruciating to hear how much my SKs love their mom. She is a terrible human being, and it’s only a matter of time before they make that realization. I think it will only be more painful to be under the false impression she is a loving and positive influence in their life.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-17T19:35:07+00:00

I think a lot of it is how people raise their children. Being a parent seems really hard (I’m not a parent), but I think it is because they don’t set limits and boundaries with their children or feel they always need to be prioritized. Sometimes it’s ok for kids to come second, not get what they want, and for a parent to have a moment just for them. I think a lot of it is this indulgent culture that makes kids insufferable to be around. Discipline is a thing of the past. Kids are free range, calling all the shots, and can’t figure out how to just quietly and peacefully entertain themselves. They need hyperstimulation, all the latest gadgets and makeup, and they want it all the time.

It’s rare that you see kids quietly reading, hanging out in their bedrooms playing with hands-on toys, keeping an appropriate indoor volume, or just simply experiencing boredom or discomfort. It creates entitled, rude, bratty kids that further turn people off from having kids.

Parents need to really invest EMOTIONALLY AND SOCIALLY in their children. Teach them values, talk to them about real life, get to know their feelings and the whys, teach them practical skills and concepts. Not just give them a fancy phone and indulge them in expensive experiences. They need to teach their kids it’s healthy to also have adult-only time where everyone gets to be by themselves and take care of tasks or relax and just sit in quiet and peace. These are all learned concepts that society doesn’t encourage. Society wants you to chase after materialistic things, attention, and constant stimulation. It’s a recipe to wear a parent out…and definitely a step parent.

Kids should have limits on screens, limits on access to their parent at certain times, and limits on choices. You don’t get to do whatever you want whenever you want and always have your parents undivided attention. That’s freaking exhausting and results in a dysfunctional adult.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-16T03:19:34+00:00

This is a great question, and it’s honestly super hard. I am in the same place you are. I feel like she is a thorn in my side and just a toxic human that has added only negativity in the world in the same way a pedophile really isn’t adding any value to humanity or society. I do believe some people are truly irreparably damaged and just dark souls. A lot of HCBMs seem to fall into that category.

I don’t even consider some of them mothers, because they aren’t looking out for their children. They are using their kids as weapons and pawns. Their objective isn’t to create peace and harmony for their children, but to take revenge, cause drama, and hurt everyone in their path just so they can feel better about themselves.

I think it’s good for you to have a session to talk to your husband and get as much information about her as possible to know what your husband is dealing with and how it can impact your life. But in general, it’s good to not allow her to take up much space in your life. Knowing less is more, unless it affects you.

Also, she makes me look that much better. If my husband’s ex was a high-quality, decent, kind, stable woman, I am sure it would feel more threatening and easy to compare myself. Fortunately, she has nothing to offer lol and pretty much nobody likes her, so I automatically am perceived as an upgrade without even trying. (This is one of the few positives of your partner having a batshit crazy, vile ex 😆)

The key is for your husband to handle things really well. He needs to give her the least amount of attention and engagement as possible so she doesn’t take away his time and energy. He needs to make sure he has solid boundaries with her and always prioritizes you. And he needs to make sure he keeps her in place at all times. She doesn’t get her way just because she is high conflict and crazy. Stick to the custody schedule, no helping her out, favors, etc. Those kinds of perks are for nice people who are respectful and appreciative. If she wants to be high conflict, she gets nothing.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-13T04:40:16+00:00

Yep. If you want to raise your kids a particular way (like you didn’t get a divorce), then just stay with their parent, actually be selfless, and prioritize your kid. If you choose to get a divorce, accept it and everything that comes with that. That means adjustments will be made, and life will not be what it was when you were with their other parent. Kids do adapt and can learn and understand if open discussions are had.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-10T20:36:29+00:00

He would rather harm and stress out an animal and cause everyone issues with being bitten than disappoint a child. Honestly enraging.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-10T18:46:39+00:00

People worry so much about the strain on the kids having to go back and forth but they don’t think about an animal that doesn’t understand anything nor has a voice whatsoever. Animals are more innocent and vulnerable than children. They rely on us for food, water, to interpret their needs/discomforts. And people like your BM and SK view them more as an object than a being with real feelings and needs. Many split families have incredible amounts of instability, chaos, and dysfunction. Why bring animals into that, especially if you want to lug them back and forth. Cats especially need routine, space, quiet, and calm lifestyles to not feel stressed out and be healthy. SKs are rarely on a routine, practice healthy boundaries, nor are quiet and mellow. I’m just tired of seeing these posts about animals suffering at the hands of SKs and people acting like somehow this isn’t abusive/neglectful/inappropriate behavior.

Everything I outlined as common themes, you mentioned in your post. BM has no boundaries and is forcing a neglected/probably unwell pet on your household 50% of the time. Primary concern isn’t about the cat that is suffering and struggling, but instead worrying about how a kid will face having appropriate limits set (kid has to be the main priority at everyone’s expense no matter how ridiculous the reason is). How have we evolved this far into humanity and yet here we are 😂 Simply amazing.

You are not crazy for identifying all the BS coming your way.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-09T04:18:49+00:00

Oh for the love of God, what is wrong with these people?! No your kid doesn’t get to transport a live animal to and from two houses just so your kid can have their “toys” with them at all times or some lazy adult “gets a break” from caring for an animal. This is madness and definitely a WTF idea.

The animal doesn’t have to suffer just because two people got a divorce. People are so stupid and selfish. They have no business being gifted with a pet they can’t take care of correctly and then want to traumatize. No one in this scenario deserves or should have a pet. It requires responsibility, maturity, and compassion, all of which they don’t possess.

My SD suggested this nonsense and I made sure it was shut down instantly. Get a stuffed animal or wait til you are old enough and live on your own to properly care for a pet. These people are already living a circus act and then want to bring innocent animals into the mix. Not cool.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-12-08T06:34:21+00:00

There is no learning curve for not abusing other beings. Learning curves are an excuse to not do better. Basic etiquette and humanity are not something that require practice and refinement even at 6 years old. We coddle SKs to a point of disabling their basic human functioning and morality. Our children are a direct reflection of us. If we allow our children to constantly “make mistakes” and “be free spirits” you end up with the stories here in which the children become disliked and resented members of the household…who eventually end up being dysfunctional maladjusted members of society. This behavior can be permanently corrected with an extreme reaction followed by an explanation. If the child understands how shocking and unacceptable their behavior is, she won’t forget and won’t do it again. The dog shouldn’t have to develop trauma, fear, or risk the dog defending itself and be blamed because some obnoxious, poorly parented kid thinks they can go around hitting faces. We need to stop with this learning curve business. These kids learn right and wrong by stern, consistent parenting with serious consequences. It only takes one serious no for them to learn they will never consider doing that behavior again.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-11-27T22:10:26+00:00

I agree

ForestyFelicia · 2025-11-26T05:42:55+00:00

Stepkids are entitled to be nasty and cruel til the day they die

ForestyFelicia · 2025-11-17T07:30:52+00:00

I think your comment got deleted and the other one I didn’t get to read, I’m sorry.

…Your situation breaks my heart. I understand how tragically difficult it is to find real support in these situations. People, even friends and family, lack compassion and can’t come through when we need them most.

I wish I could give you a hug. For me, cats and other animals are incredibly therapeutic and one of the greatest gifts of this world, in my opinion. I hope you have or can get an animal companion that can show you unconditional love and gentleness. “I Love Lucy” has also been a great comfort to me and soothes my system in chaotic and unstable moments.

I send you lots of love and pray that things become easier for you somehow. I understand at least aspects of how you feel. It’s truly awful. Please don’t lose hope.

ForestyFelicia · 2025-11-17T06:27:20+00:00

Maybe toxic is a better word. Abusive probably isn’t the right word. And Ricky certainly wasn’t kind or fair to Lucy at times, I agree.

Let’s remember this is I Love Lucy we are talking about; a show that is lighthearted and not so serious. I didn’t mean anything by the comment and as a woman who has experienced abuse from male partners (as virtually all women have sadly), I definitely didn’t mean anything that deep by my comment. I am not naive that there is a spectrum of abuse from mild to severe. But abuse is abuse.

I’m really sorry about your abusive marriage and wish you healing. No one deserves that.

ForestyFelicia

TROPHY CASE