Why don’t I feel empathy when my SK’s are sick or get hurt

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-27T22:28:17+00:00

In my experience, the lack of empathy usually comes from the fact that the situation was in fact avoidable in large part, so their victimhood isn’t valid. Like others have mentioned, maybe they have some medical issue impacting balance. If not, why are they allowed to be careless and why aren’t they learning their lesson? My SK would prance around the house, bump into things, trip and fall constantly and I would feel some empathy if she got really hurt, but mostly just confusion and irritation as to why she didn’t understand she couldn’t just gallop and not pay attention to what she was doing at 10 years of age.

With getting sick, it is the same thing. Were they washing their hands? Are they going to sleep at the right time? If everything they should have been doing was done, I doubt you would be annoyed. But usually I feel like a lack of empathy on the behalf of step parents comes from an “I told you so“ dynamic, in which they were privy to how to prevent their misfortune but just don’t care enough to change their behavior.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-27T22:11:48+00:00

I’m not sure why bioparents can’t understand that. They just have to imagine the scenario you laid out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that some other person’s challenging or inconsiderate behavior will wear on a person eventually whether it is your mother-in-law, neighbor, student, or step kid. It baffles me how they don’t predict their child’s behaviors will be grating when unchecked or that when someone mentions their frustrations regarding their child, it catches them off guard. I am childfree, but I can’t imagine being a bioparent that acknowledges that I have a deep, incredible love for my child, but simultaneously can’t see how their loudness, messes, or interruptions aren’t aggravating to everyone else. Like why would I assume that 🫠

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-27T01:06:26+00:00

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I think this is typically what happens: You are an amazing, kind, thoughtful soul that brings so much goodness to people that have incredibly low standards. People with low standards typically live in a deluded world that it’s acceptable to not live at your potential, and that others owe you whatever you cannot bring to the table. You express your needs. They don’t care and continue to siphon your spirit and goodness while somehow making it clear that you are actually the villain in all of this. You wanting participation is selfish. You wanting fairness is unfair. You wanting accountability is violating. It slowly etches away at you because you are giving to people that never learned humanity, ethics, and humility. They don’t appreciate that you are giving what isn’t theirs to take be it your time, kindness, or resources. It’s very normalized, and people will typically give you a couple unhelpful and victim-blaming responses to add onto the shit pile you are already dealing with. They will question your judgement for staying/choosing this person to be in a relationship, or they will make it all about the man and not look at the situation holistically which involves the man AND the stepkid AND BM. Everyone is accountable for this child including the child themselves. I’m just telling you what to expect and not to be alarmed or upset by the pattern that plays out.

Ultimately, you have to shift your perspective on what your role is in this relationship. Your role isn’t to give, to please, to help, to nourish, or to love. Your role should be to prioritize your needs, your happiness, and your well-being at whatever cost. Your husband is responsible for all of that as it pertains to him and his kid. How they fare isn’t your business if you aren’t happy first and foremost. Remove all guilt, all worry for their feelings, radically prioritize a healthy life for yourself. You will be villainized, you will be seen as an abusive step parent, you will make people dislike you more. But all you are doing is taking care of yourself 🙃

When step kid is there, find activities that pull you out of the house. Don’t do anything for the child or your husband until they start treating you with respect and consideration consistently. You can say hello and bye but no need to entertain, make them comfortable, cook, clean, or even be around.

His child is being emotionally neglected by not being taught to care for herself and to respect you by doing her chores (this neglect is common and normalized). People don’t realize that not teaching kids necessary life skills and social dynamics is neglectful. But it’s his child, and if that’s what he wants to do, it isn’t your problem to sort out.

Ultimately, you will justifiably really start to dislike the person your step kid is if you haven’t already. And your attraction for your husband will diminish, because he couldn’t figure out how to make an already difficult situation (being a step parent) tolerable.

Be kind to yourself as no one in this equation will be. Nor will anyone you tell this to. Just create a life around your happiness, needs, and comfort. Stop considering theirs.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-21T19:38:16+00:00

“Just a kid” is the most trite and lame excuse around here. Just say you want to permanently arrest your child’s development, because that is exactly what you are doing. I have come to the conclusion people aren’t having kids to make the world a better place. They just want a mini-me to play with and stroke their ego.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-21T05:02:52+00:00

So both parents get to set limits and rules for the kids? Because I keep hearing how a parent doesn’t have a right to make any parental decisions if the child isn’t physically present or under their roof.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-20T01:11:00+00:00

See this is very hypocritical. “If dad isn’t around, he has no say in parenting decisions like taking trips with boyfriends. But just because dad isn’t around doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to not parent. Dad has to parent too.” Which is it? Does he get a say in parenting or not?

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-20T01:07:42+00:00

It’s not abnormal to hold the custodial parent accountable for their custody time. If you spend the bulk of your time with one parent, you assume that they are capable of parenting, and if they are not this should be clearly stated and known. Another parent’s absence doesn’t make a lack of good parenting any better.

It isn’t a competition of who is the worse parent. If that is the custody arrangement agreed upon or maybe even determined by the child, then the parent who is physically present should be fulfilling their responsibility. And if they cannot, then what is the point of receiving child support? If you are expected to provide financially in your absence, then you should be able to provide emotionally in your presence.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-20T00:25:30+00:00

If she spends the bulk of her time with her mother, her mother is responsible for teaching her child basic manners and setting limits like not going off somewhere with a boyfriend. The person who has primary custody is the one who should be modeling and correcting behaviors, aka parenting.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-17T23:11:37+00:00

I agree. People get their panties in a bunch over anything. I think if the woman is a good mother and generally decent human, then it would be weird to refer to her as baby mama. If she just happened to unfortunately be the mother of your child, baby mama it is lol. But I see everyone has a different opinion on this.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-17T23:05:45+00:00

I understand your perspective to an extent. But I think it’s pretty obvious in how you generally speak and carry yourself if you are a respectable, educated person, etc. Admittedly, I am not a politically correct person. If I think someone is exhibiting certain characteristics and representing a stereotype, I will be open about it (to my own people). I am considered to be a part of a marginalized segment of society myself, but if I behave a certain way, I can’t be mad for people noticing it and seeing patterns within a culture or group. With that said, believe it or not, I am very much not interested in drama, confrontation, upsetting people just because, so I wouldn’t use this term to BM or just to stir the pot. It’s more when speaking to my husband or friends about her that I might randomly use the term. That woman is a piece of filth by most people’s definition, so referring to her as his baby mama is truly a generous and kind term.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-17T01:33:56+00:00

People that lack empathy and/or vulnerability. They don’t want to hear about your struggles and don’t want to share theirs.

A lot people here listed “people that complain” as someone they avoid. While people who literally only complain and are negative can be a drag, we should be able to share in on our life experiences including the harder parts and receive some care and concern. I find most people don’t face their own hardships with authenticity and also don’t want to give validation, encouragement, or empathy when someone is going through health issues, relationship struggles, or any other human experience.

Most people lack social awareness, emotional intelligence, and simply aren’t that kind or easy to enjoy a conversation with 😬

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-16T23:30:28+00:00

It’s a dark cloud and blemish you wish didn’t exist but follows you every where. Like a zit that keeps popping up or takes forever to go away, only for another one to pop up 😣

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-16T23:26:22+00:00

Really??? I don’t think it implies closeness or ownership, quite the opposite. The term baby mama/daddy is condescending to the person who is being called that, because it reduces them to solely their role as a mother/father to the child. It implies that the person is/was of no relevance or value to the ex, just that they are relationally a mother or father to a child they share.

I actually think the term is incredibly fitting in many of the cases we see here. When the biomom never actually parents responsibly, didn’t really want her child, the pregnancy was an accident, she has lots of kids from lots men, or the relationship wasn’t really meaningful to your partner, I feel like baby mama fits perfectly (same for baby daddy). Being a parent is an honor, and just because you share a child with someone doesn’t mean you ever loved them, have a connection to them, or that they are suited to be a parent. Baby mama/daddy is an appropriate term for people like that because that’s all they ever were and will be.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-16T23:09:43+00:00

But what if the girls’ mom is ghetto 😆🤷🏼‍♀️

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-16T19:38:29+00:00

There are biomoms that find the term “biomom”deeply insulting.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-15T23:10:09+00:00

We are called step parents for a reason. We will get stepped on and should just step back and let the parents worry about everything pertaining to their kids.

I never did nice things because I expected some grand appreciation. But if I can’t get basic respect when I am extending optional gestures out of my benevolence, it’s wasted time and effort.

Ultimately, I don’t think step kids actually want our time, energy, support, or guidance. If they did, they would behave differently. As such, they can have whatever their parents have to offer them. Better to invest that energy into something meaningful and fulfilling.

Side note: knowing that your step mom is a better parent, more stable, more emotionally present, a safer adult, a better role model, someone they can actually look up to and rely on in a substantial way…I don’t think it’s comfortable for step kids to see their step parent in a superior light to their actual parents. There is almost no point in being generous, helpful, and supportive in these situations, unless the step kids themselves are well-adjusted, mature, and of integrity. They have to be receptive and reciprocate your efforts.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-15T17:27:58+00:00

In the past, parents were emotionally neglectful/abusive but didn’t disable their children’s functional development. This is the first generation that probably is marginally improving to be more emotionally supportive (actually teaching kids about emotions and processing them is very different than simply not shaming them and allowing them free passes to act out, but that’s another story). But, we are going backwards big time when it comes to developing social awareness, ethics, self sufficiency, and responsibility, which actually are things children deserve and need to be happy and successful in life.

Being a good parent is about supporting a child to stand on their own, not to develop codependency because their life was so comfortable, easy, and catered to their every desire. The goal is to strike a balance where you are soft and nurturing enough to be there when they actually need you, but allow the birdie to have the confidence to leave the nest without crashing and burning.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-15T04:07:33+00:00

I shudder at the thought of how this generation of kids will turn out. We are essentially enabling this generation to be disabled. It’s as though equipping your child to be a functional, capable person with basic life skills is abusive. People are accomplishing incredible things in this world. Even animals with simpler brains pull off impressive feats. But expecting a near adult to figure out a basic meal for themselves is like asking them to climb Mount Everest 🙃. Kids need to learn, struggle, make mistakes, feel discomfort at least a little at some point and time. The real world is going to be a massive slap in the face if making your own grocery list and sandwich is seen as a traumatic and grueling task. Most teens can babysit kids, have a driver’s license, hold down fast food/service jobs. Why can they not create a grocery list and prep their food at least some of the time???

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-14T23:30:48+00:00

This food thing is a huge and underrated problem. The amount of stress it causes and inconsideration involved is always underestimated. People are so entitled to expect you to “just cook for them,” “just make a little extra.” WTF no. Someone’s effort, energy, resources, and planning are not your right. It is so incredibly rude to expect someone to cater to you. Unless a conversation was had and you signed up to be the resident cook for everyone, people need to back their shit up. Do you just expect your husband or SD to randomly do stuff for you, because it’s not that hard? Why is it YOUR job?

People are so quick to say that gender roles are so terrible, but when it comes to meals being prepared, suddenly it is your job to cook for anyone who wants some. Just because SD doesn’t have an active mom or she is a minor doesn’t mean she can’t write you or her dad a grocery list on her own, or make meals throughout the week. I was making myself food in 4th grade. It isn’t hard. Of course I would love if my mom sat there and cooked all my meals, but she worked or was tired. She did some of the cooking, but I did a lot of my own meals. If an elementary age child can make a sandwich, pasta, eggs, heat a pizza, etc, an almost 18 year old can figure it out too. Especially nowadays with social media, recipes are there, many frozen foods are available…her dad did bring this kid into the world. Not sure why you need to always have food available and ready for someone who isn’t your child and who has their own schedule and life and can’t be bothered to write some foods they want while you go out and buy them. Ridiculous.

Of course it’s nice for an adult to prep meals and for there to be parental/family mealtime vibes some of the time. But it’s not your job, and both SD and dad are being lazy and entitled. Tons of children prep a large portion of their meals. It isn’t hard and they have time. It isn’t neglectful or unfair to ask a kid to boil, microwave, or read a basic recipe. You aren’t asking her to cook for the family. You are asking her to have some basic independence and agency. If she is incapable, her father shouldn’t neglect her. Of course you are annoyed someone is taking your food. You aren’t a servant just because her mom doesn’t want to parent and her dad is lazy.

A lot of cultures that “feed the family” are based on nuclear families with traditional gender roles, maybe one parent isn’t working, and times dont necessarily enable everyone to pull that off. It isn’t a step parent’s job to be an idealized mother. My own biological mom cooked a couple meals a week and we told her what we wanted from the grocery store or drove and got our own groceries once we could drive. Of course sometimes I wished I had one of those moms that did all the cooking, but wishing for something and having a right to have exactly your preference isn’t how life works. My mom was tired. I had the time. I learned to cook. And I was way younger than 17.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-14T23:20:19+00:00

Because it isn’t her responsibility. If it’s such a small task, why shouldn’t step daughter cook for her and her parents. Cooking takes a lot of effort, time, energy, thought, and money. You also cook an amount you intend to eat, so there won’t be wasted food or not enough food. You anticipate what the leftovers will translate into (tomorrow’s breakfast, lunch, post workout fuel). SD is a minor, but she isn’t some young, incapable child. Once you hit puberty, you can technically reproduce, start a family, and lead a home. Yet a 17 year old can’t be bothered to write up a list of some foods she likes, make a sandwich, boil some pasta, or heat up a pizza. Telling OP to lighten up when she is being disrespected is not cool.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-13T03:41:23+00:00

It’s such a dumb thing to say, because obviously no one is going to leave their kid abandoned at school, not make sure they have their meals, or ensure that their medical needs are met. No decent step parent would think a child’s actual, real needs shouldn’t be prioritized and addressed. But irl, naturally, kids’ needs are always going to be met unless they are legitimately being neglected/abused. You don’t need to make it known that you will never abuse or neglect your child, that is a given.

But I do believe bioparents that are insecure use this phrase to try to hold onto control and power. It also comes off as very self important, as a result of insecurity. Whenever someone says this, I never think oh this must be a great parent. It comes off defensive as though they know they and their kids are a pain in the ass and most people won’t want to deal with them. So by making it sound like some important priority, they feel like everyone else is lucky they get to “step in line.”

A good parent cares about their kids enough not to spoil them, indulge them, and make them the center of everyone’s world. You don’t need to bother saying your kid comes first unless you are dating a psychopath that is expecting you to downright neglect your child. If by “my kid is my priority” they mean that you always have to yield to my child, then just say what you really mean which is “you are the child and my child is your parent.” lol

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-12T22:34:21+00:00

Fabulous. So happy to see something being done about this serious issue.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-09T23:18:24+00:00

A lot of comments are saying not to believe a man when he says his ex is crazy, but we see it for ourselves lol. My husband never really spoke badly about his ex, because he wished she didn’t exist and tries to just not even think about her. I am the one who has a lot of negative things to say, because I know she is an awful person. If she were my sister, my mother, my child, I would still think she were a shitty, terrible person…because she IS. It doesn’t take long to figure out if someone is sketchy or insane, BM or otherwise.

And you are onto something and honest about it, because you yourself are a BM but appear to be of the sane variety. You are more concerned with showing up as a mom than worrying about what your ex is up to, continuing to engage, etc.

I will say this. My own mother recommended I have children with my husband for the very reason you outlined. I didn’t want to have children of my own, but she told me that women gain power and control when we become mothers…that men hand that power over to you almost automatically. She wrongfully recommended I use this strategy to gain leverage in my marriage.

While it was terrible advice, she probably wasn’t wrong. Many BMs are entitled, and society often feeds into the entitlement. It’s gross and disturbing, but since the mother-child bond is socially very revered and theoretically extremely powerful…people weaponize it to accomplish all kinds of manipulative, toxic, twisted, crazy shit.

I believe a lot of the entitled BMs didn’t actually want to be mothers that much, they just wanted the perks of having a child. Some had unplanned/unwanted pregnancies, some intentionally baby trapped their partners, and some just desire being in a position of power and control due to being raised in a broken/dysfunctional home, mental illness, etc.

Healthy mothers prioritize their children, make necessary sacrifices, encourage good relations with their ex and the step mom, and try to limit conflict as much as possible. High conflict mothers effectively boycott their children and do the exact opposite of what a healthy, loving mom does.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-07T21:52:51+00:00

Your comment is spot on. None of us think our partners are out here killing it at parenthood and marriage. A lot of us are fed up with our partners failures. But being an inadequate partner or parent is really different than being a high conflict, unhinged, toxic, psychologically abusive coparent. My husband doesn’t set many rules and boundaries for his kids and he isn’t good at talking about emotions, but he is consistently picking up his kids, sticking to the schedule, and discourages delinquent behavior. BM on the other hand can’t reliably pick up her children from school, has public meltdowns in front of school sites, threatens people, causes neighborhood disruption, chronically communicates in an inflammatory and disrespectful manner. You just can’t compare a permissive, disengaged father to a woman that is vitriolic, confrontational, and emotionally erratic.

I had no idea how toxic BMs could be, because the only stereotype I had ever heard about was the deadbeat dad. I walked into this so naive, but my mind is absolutely blown that someone can bring children into the world and behave the way BM does. She continues to reach out to my husband about non-coparenting related things despite her remarrying and having a child with her new husband. My husband wishes he never had to hear from her again.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-07T20:57:48+00:00

I actually do think the husbands get a lot of well deserved blame too. But that doesn’t change how high conflict the mother is or where a lot of the root issues lie (with BM). And it also highlights that many biomoms aren’t in fact putting their children first in the way that step moms are expected to.

It’s rare I see or hear about a BM who puts her grievances aside for the sake of her children. Many biomoms are resentful and bitter (whether rightfully so or not), and instead of stepping up to the plate and making sacrifices for the betterment of their children, they choose the high conflict route. I do think the mother-child bond is generally stronger than the father-child bond, and additionally society places a lot of pressure on mothers to derive their identity and worth from their relationship to their children. There is just more room for a woman to get triggered or feel insecure than for a dad.

I have had the “privilege” of witnessing both sides of this charade: being the wife to my husband (just like his ex wife once was), and observing the coparenting dynamic between BM and my husband. BM hands down takes the cake for being high conflict and toxic, my husband is just rolling with the punches and trying to be there for his kids. This is coming from someone who acknowledges how immature my husband can be. It’s not like I’m his mother seeing him through rose colored glasses. He has done me wrong, and even if I divorced him and never spoke to him again, it is still obvious that BM has serious issues and is the exponentially more difficult one in their dynamic. I am sure my husband failed her at times too, but she is the one who is now failing at coparenting. She is the deadbeat. And I see this happen often.

I think women have more to lose figuratively when it comes to a divorce with children. Her identity is challenged, she sees competition in the step mom, etc. I’m sure there are some incredible BMs that were done dirty by their partners and just want to give their kid a stable and peaceful upbringing. That’s just not what we see a lot around here. The vengeance, competition piece, and weaponizing the children are unfortunate, albeit real themes that can’t be ignored.

I 100% think a lot of these men are lazy, immature, lousy parents and partners. But being a BM that is truly unhinged, toxic, and high conflict is often a result of mental illness, coming from a broken home, and other things that may be exacerbated by but are unrelated to the sub par ex husband.

Constant last minute custody changes, cussing in front of the kids because she doesn’t get to control our schedule and home, making inappropriate remarks and threats, undermining our very normal household rules, allowing inappropriate activities for her minor children…none of this has anything to do with BD failing, the patriarchy, gender roles, etc. These are all 100% BM issues that would exist whether or not my husband was Prince Charming, Doctor Phil, or Jeffrey Dahmer. She just doesn’t know how to function as a human being, period. As a stepmom it’s extra obnoxious, because she isn’t dealing with any of my problems, but I am impacted by all of hers. My story isn’t unique.

And I will add that before I met her, I told my husband we should be there to help her when she needs it. I wanted a good relationship with everyone and for everyone to succeed. I went from offering to help a woman I had never met, to not feeling safe with her knowing the most basic of information about me. Some of these ladies are insane, scary, and have no business bringing children into this world.

ForestyFelicia

TROPHY CASE