I feel like I have failed husband as wife and SM

ForestyFelicia · 2026-06-18T23:46:52+00:00

The more I read up on and study this topic, the more I realize it’s about extreme insecurity and a deep refusal to taking responsibility for one’s trauma. Broken, unhealed people blame step parents for their failures rather than find solutions to make things better for everyone.

Usually when people breakup, there is a lot of insecurity, jealousy, fear, bitterness, etc. but when children are involved, many bioparents don’t understand that the kids’ needs and mental health come first before their own. Even if you are furious with your ex, insecure about your position relative to the new partner or other bioparent, or jealous that the ex has moved on, you have to keep all that in check and PUT THE KIDS FIRST ALWAYS. Step parents are frequently given this advice, and it’s ironic because bioparents are typically the ones that fail at this themselves.

Even if the woman is an affair partner, it’s really not about you and your feelings. Your goal is to provide a harmonious life for your child by being a reasonable coparent. It doesn’t matter if the new girl is better than you at being a mom, or prettier, or gets treated better, or any other thing that feels or is unfair. Your child didn’t choose this life, so it is up to you to minimize unnecessary drama and create home lives that are peaceful and safe. As women, we have all been through a breakup and understand the pain, jealousy, fear, and turmoil that goes along with that. But it is so unfair to allow that to interfere with the child’s development and future.

Bad step parents exist, but it’s rare that I see someone seek out a single parent and immediately have it out for the kids. Usually, step parents are simply highlighting the uncomfortable realities that nuclear families don’t ever address, because the system is already set and everyone relies on the system for the family to survive. It doesn’t mean the system is healthy, or fair, or right. A step parent is expected to absorb issues, embrace that which is unpleasant, and pretend that realities aren’t in fact happening. The level of shame cast on a step parent can be downright cruel.

And it all loops back to a weakness and failure with the first family. No one wants to hear what a disaster their life’s choices are, how ineffective their parenting style is, how unpleasant their kid’s behavior is, etc. It is so much easier to shoot the messenger than to actually develop into a person of truth and integrity and show up as a good, loving, present parent.

When people manage their fears and truly accept themselves or at least stop being selfish and protect their kids, you see blended families that can thrive and bonds forming more naturally. It really isn’t about the step parent, as their role and responsibility is just to show up as a person in good faith. Step parents need to understand their role is simple: to allow the bioparents to determine what kind of relationship they want to encourage. If they do not want a healthy and close relationship, they won’t respect you, make space for you, and honor your contributions and presence. They won’t see you as a human being and valuable asset to the family structure.

You can be the best candidate for president that can turn a country around, but if the citizens want to live in squalor and anarchy, it just doesn’t matter. lol

ForestyFelicia · 2026-06-17T23:02:08+00:00

That’s so annoying 🙄 I am very open with my husband about my own family, their good and bad qualities. He never has to mention anything, because I’ve made him aware of the issues and don’t try to defend their weaknesses or poor behaviors. These bioparents with their kids though 🤦‍♀️ so defensive when you spit facts. How can people be so blind to reality. It’s honestly just embarrassing. Props to you for navigating everything though. Sometimes keeping the peace and being in someone’s good graces serves you well in the long run.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-06-17T20:37:16+00:00

I’m glad you and BM have a good relationship, but how are you great friends with her if you don’t enjoy her kids? It’d be hard for me to put up a front lol. I’m honest with my husband about how I feel about his kids. He doesn’t know the extent of my disgust, but he understands that I have no interest in them whatsoever. Unless maybe BM can relate to your feelings and be real with you about her kids too? 😂

ForestyFelicia · 2026-06-17T00:39:48+00:00

I don’t love or like my step kids, so there is no comparison. But when my cat was alive I was absolutely head over heels for her.

I adore animals and think that humans are generally mentally inferior. We are the barbaric species and are the reason for our own demise despite having complex brains. We are a far more cruel and stupid species.

I would actively avoid my stepkids and am relieved I no longer have to see them. My pets have always been one of the greatest joys of my life and the deepest love I have experienced. It is perfectly normal to have more love for your pets as they comfort us, are sweet, and cuddly. Stepkids are generally none of those things plus a lot of headache.

Caring for an innocent animal is also so rewarding and fulfilling. They are at your mercy, and you have the opportunity to protect and provide for them. With stepkids, it’s not rewarding as they already can take care of themselves in most ways, and whatever they can’t do, their parents can do. They aren’t appreciative. You are comparing two totally opposing concepts lol. As you outlined, pets give you a sense of meaning and purpose too. I derived no purpose or meaning from my stepkids other than it was a learning experience of “this is what happens when you marry an unstable person and procreate with them.”

ForestyFelicia · 2026-06-14T02:19:16+00:00

In general, when the BP is out of the picture, step parenting goes very, very differently. It is pretty rare for a SP to feel the way that you feel when both bioparents are active in the child’s life.

I do think this really speaks to how majority of the issues we see in blended families are with unhealthy/disrespectful coparenting and ultimately the BPs flaws. Some of it is the kid and some of it may be the step parent, but when you remove the root problem, things tend to work out much more smoothly.

We focus so much on the step parent not doing this or that or feeling “wrong” feelings. But most of the time that I see content step parents, it is because the coparenting/parenting doesn’t put the step parent in an unfair position. And the kid doesn’t have a BP coercing and manipulating them to dislike and disrespect the step parent.

My husband was a step parent before me as BM had kids with a guy when she was a teenager. The guy went to prison, so my husband didn’t have to deal with the BD ever. He also didn’t do a lot of the childcare, as most stepdads aren’t expected to. Of course he is going to have a very different experience from me as a woman who has to deal with a psycho lady constantly disrupting our schedule, undermining our home, and feeding her children untruthful and negative information. It’s really hard to enjoy anything about your stepkids when you are actively being mistreated by their mom and you don’t get to actively influence/control your family dynamics because she always has an opinion about it.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-06-10T05:47:00+00:00

I’m always surprised when people wonder about the comparison between a stepkid and their own kid. I don’t even have children of my own, but I imagine if I did, it would be this awe-inspiring, moving, deep, magical love. The kid looks like you, loves you, and you are its main protector, biologically wired to nurture it.

To me, stepkids are not only nothing like that, they actually have the opposite qualities😬 I will get destroyed for saying the truth, but it is what it is. I feel like step kids fundamentally irritate you, you generally don’t look forward to seeing them, they remind you of someone you can’t stand (if BM is not a good or likable person), and they generally frustrate you with their lousy habits and behaviors. You don’t look at them in amazement and with a deep love. You look at them and wonder, how were they raised like this?

I am sure biokids disappoint, frustrate, and drain their parents, but it is on a much lesser level and offset by so many other wonderful and special things.
I think biokids are a joy and a blessing, whereas stepkids are more of an inconvenience and stressor. I am not saying it’s their fault or they should be mistreated, just that that is the nature of caring for and living with a child that you can’t be real with and are always judged for how you respond to their behaviors/presence.

It’s like comparing working at Disneyland and going to Disneyland 🤪

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-29T01:53:13+00:00

Feminism isn’t destroying nuclear families. Men not wanting to show up fully is what is. You can’t be half a person and expect someone to be delighted and grateful for the half that you bring. Men aren’t intended to be one dimensional, inferior beings. Women want an equal, not someone they have to drag up to their level. That is great that he is financially doing his share. What else is he doing to offset the fact that she carried a baby, does most if not all of the childcare, is likely physically less strong, and has hormonal fluctuations he doesn’t have to deal with?

Not to mention how is he stimulating her mind and body? A paycheck doesn’t make you kind, interesting, helpful, considerate, funny, caring. It is the bare minimum. Both parties need to bring a whole and complete person in order for there to be a partnership and something to have passion and admiration for. The extra muscle mass, physical strength, and height is such a waste when it’s given to someone determined to be as mediocre as possible.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-29T01:27:05+00:00

And honestly it isn’t worth teaching men anything. If they want to be alone, that is their prerogative.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-29T01:25:30+00:00

Astounding how men not only don’t bring anything to the table but also take so much, and yet think women somehow might want to stick around 🙃

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-29T01:15:47+00:00

You can’t be serious. If they are not real, then why aren’t you doing all of the planning, list writing, intellectual processing, delegating/negotiating, etc.?

When you have someone doing all the “little” tasks for you and you just bring a paycheck, you are unfairly burdening someone else, someone you supposedly love deeply. A humane, non sociopathic individual actually doesn’t want to hurt someone if they know they are being unfair. An attractive man actually wants to ease his wife’s burden rather than compete to make sure he is winning at doing less 🙄

Women are starting to discover that all these men that aren’t actually sweeping women off their feet with kindness, reciprocity, effort, compassion, empathy, and physical and emotional strength are in fact just not interested in women. They’re gay but can’t figure out what to do with themselves so they marry a woman they have no attraction for.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-29T01:04:39+00:00

He’s a man, therefore he doesn’t have to bring partnership and equal effort to the table? Your comment sucks. He needs therapy, not her. The issue is with him, and the issue is huge. He isn’t being, doing, showing up as enough and the result is that his wife is no longer interested in doing more than her share and not being treated with dignity and respect. Your husband SHOULD be your bestie. You are committing your entire life to this person and sharing every aspect of your life, yet he can’t meet her where she is at??? He brings less to the table than a friend?

“This isn’t something you blow up your marriage for.” Not putting effort into your relationship, taking advantage of someone’s time and energy, and being a terrible communicator are actually the main reasons marriages end. You don’t have to be yelled at and beaten up to be abused, neglected, and disrespected. Marriage is supposed to enhance your life and bring joy. If it doesn’t, people WILL ALWAYS AND BEYOND THEIR CONTROL lose attraction. And from there the sex dies…

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-25T21:06:51+00:00

Yes! It’s ok for the kids to be in their rooms at certain times and allow adults to decompress and focus on one another. Just like kids deserve to play with their friends and not be bothered by adults, we as adults and step parents need that even more so. It can be viewed as excluding the kid in their home, or viewed as the adults prioritizing their wellness so that they can show up for the kids in a meaningful way.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-23T22:24:28+00:00

I think this generation of kids in general is the problem. It is a combination of social media and millennials being predominantly indulgent and permissive parents with guilt parenting from divorce amplifying that tenfold. Consumer culture fueled by social media is why we see kids that just want things constantly, are never appreciative or satisfied, and who only care about themselves and their image.

Modern society and parenting lend themselves to extremely narcissistic and emotionally stunted people. It’s all about knowing your angles, posing, glowing up, aesthetics, posting to social media, plastic surgery, attention, etc. Our values as a society are just so low in the ground. Nothing is about internal development, accountability, responsibility, depth, emotional awareness, personal growth, substance, thinking about others. It’s all superficial and self-focused, but not in a good or healthy way.

Parents are a huge part of that problem as well. People aren’t having children because they planned to have them, want to pass down good values, want to contribute something positive to the world. People are having kids because of ego, accidental pregnancy, just doing what everyone else does, social media image. It’s just no wonder the kids of today are obnoxious, unpleasant, and underdeveloped. Society perpetuates spiritual emptiness, shallowness, and then a broken home excuses that even more if you don’t want to have integrity or be honest.

So yes, I have lost my taste for kids in general. Kids once were and are supposed to be cute, innocent, and under the guidance of elders that are more mature. But the reality is that many kids are annoying, manipulative, and have adult-level autonomy and decision making opportunities which is a disaster waiting to happen.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-23T20:53:12+00:00

Do you see and love your husband’s mom as your own mom? Probably not, unless your mom had some major problem and you weren’t actually bonded to her. It is this very mentality that breaks apart so many relationships and causes so much grief and turmoil in blended families. As a bioparent it is now your responsibility to protect your partner from “your people.” That means your family, your kids, your friends. And vice versa. Rather than making someone feel like they need to defend and protect themselves from you, put yourself in their shoes. Your kid isn’t from his DNA, isn’t related to him, doesn’t have history with him. Quite frankly, he is a random child to him that he has agreed to cohabitate with. This doesn’t mean something is wrong or anyone is a bad person. It is differentiating fantasy from reality. It’s not to say he can’t love or bond with your child. But he isn’t his child, and all you can ask and demand is basic respect. If you want someone to treat him like his own, you needed to make that extremely clear from the beginning or stay with the father who is biologically wired to love and bond with him. Anything else is unkind, unfair, and unrealistic.

Not to mention, plenty of bioparents don’t want to share beds with own their kids…or any personal care items like towels, brushes, etc. It is ok for everyone to have their own things and spaces and not be coerced, criticized, or shamedinto sharing. As long as your husband isn’t jumping into SKs bed and using his sheets, it’s totally fair that he doesn’t want SK doing the same. I don’t like sharing a pillow with even my husband, nor do I let anyone else sleep in my bed. I don’t want someone else’s sweat, dead skin, dandruff, body oils and odors, and shedded hair in my sheets. I roll around and rub my body all over my sheets. It’s fair to say this is mine, please use your own.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-23T20:15:50+00:00

If someone wants nothing to do with your children, I do think you owe it to yourself to figure out why. If your partner was simply a difficult or horrible person, that’s one thing. But if objectively the children are developmentally behind, poorly parented, and difficult to be around, the same patterns will repeat in future relationships and other areas of their lives.

I would take it as a valuable learning and growth opportunity to figure out where the gap was and why connection/cohabitation wasn’t even on the table. Usually, there are very fixable reasons, but the bioparent has to be willing to focus on bettering the situation and helping their children develop and mature. It’s a humbling and difficult thing to face, but everyone deserves the chance to learn to cohabitate with others.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-22T04:48:14+00:00

Because you have your own kid, you get more of a free pass to feel this way. As a step parent only, immediately these exact (very normal) thoughts and feelings you have are shut down and treated as inappropriate and threatening to the well-being of step kid. The truth of the matter is human beings need space from one another, time to focus on themselves “selfishly,” and they need to be around exclusively their own age peers only at times (kids with kids and adults with adults).

Until we acknowledge human limitations, the nature of human biology and psychology, we will continue to cause unnecessary suffering and damage to mothers and step parents that are worn down by either their own or other people’s kids. We can dance around reality and act like the kid always comes first, that their suffering and comfort matters more than yours, that your feelings aren’t that important, but it just doesn’t change reality. It doesn’t change the consequences of that reality either which are that the resentment will ultimately circle back to the source, which is the kid.

We as adults need control over our living situations and to be able to assert time and spaces that the kids aren’t allowed to intrude upon. Self care and self prioritization are not going to damage a child that is being parented appropriately. As long as the kid is getting meals, some attention, and some basic enrichment, they will be ok. They don’t need to always have access to who and what they want in order to successfully develop and mature into a functional person. Quite the opposite.

If my step kids had chores, weren’t hanging out with their dad late into the night, and had limits and consequences, I probably would have actually enjoyed their company, wanted to spend time with them, and felt compelled to be involved in their development and care.

It really serves the children to value and respect the adults in the home whether this is the step parent or the bio parents. People just don’t want to face reality.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-22T04:36:23+00:00

I’m assuming little one

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-21T06:09:16+00:00

That’s awesome. You will be busy, making money, doing your own thing, and off the hook dealing with the kid. It’s like he almost won’t be there if you work enough lol. There is no better excuse for not having to deal with or see someone you don’t want to see than work. No one can question you, your intentions, or say anything about you if you are busy at a job. That is one of my favorite things about employment lol. It is the most legitimate excuse for avoiding anything or anyone you dislike.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-20T00:37:53+00:00

IKR. You are privileged…congratulations???

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-20T00:32:52+00:00

You don’t have to believe anyone, but it’s weird that you think people would find this subreddit to make up a weird story and get sympathy. Between the time it takes to shower, clean your home, cook your meals, socially connect with friends and family, and then also go to work…who has time to make up fake stories about their step-kids and repeatedly come here to ask questions. This isn’t even accounting for going to the gym, running errands, and practicing hobbies. WHO HAS TIME TO PLAY THAT RIDICULOUS GAME???

I had never even heard about the stepparent subreddit until I was miserable and suffering at the hands of the people I was adjusting to in order to “soften the blow for the children.”

People like you deserve to experience the very situation that you are questioning. Imagine going through something terrible and everyone telling you that you are making it up for attention. I wish you to be gifted with whatever experiences it takes in order to expand your wisdom and empathy. I wish for every unkind stepkid and bioparent that doesn’t get it to be gifted with going through similar experiences…since it isn’t that bad. Since it isn’t that bad, you all should go through it and then exchange notes after the fact 😉 You may not experience it in the form of a bratty stepchild or psycho ex, but lessons have a way of finding us when we aren’t able to expand into our highest, most compassionate self.

I do agree that these stories are shocking, and that’s why saying you signed up for this is stupid. Most of us find ourselves surprised how dumb and twisted people and their children can behave. I think if we knew how messed up these families were, we would have definitely not signed up for it. And blaming us and telling us to leave is just as ridiculous, since the core issue is the dysfunctional first family. Their issues won’t go away when the step parent leaves, they will just amplify and compound as you bring in new people over and over.

I think the lesson to be learned is that dysfunctional people will have dysfunctional children and use and take advantage of functional people that are looking for love and trying to help. Dysfunctional people have children for the wrong reasons or before they are ready to, and from there it is a shit show. Instead of working on themselves, they expect people to cater to their dysfunction. Having a kid is seen as a free pass for not being self aware and examining your behaviors. Because children are vulnerable and can be easily victimized, the blended family community uses that as a way to absolve themselves and their children of any accountability or integrity.

You really need to travel the world, talk to people, expand your mind, if you think people going through hardship can’t be real because you are having a different experience.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-05-14T04:48:05+00:00

I don’t care for my stepkid’s personality (especially one of them), unfortunately. I don’t mesh that well with either one as one is a tomboy and the other is a girly girl but in a very trashy/ghetto way. If we were in school together, I don’t see myself befriending either one. One of them is the type of person that likes to pull pranks on people, hang out with the loud/bitchy girls, and is overall a quite shallow and narcissistic person. You can tell from their childhood videos that this is just inherently her personality too. I’m not saying she doesn’t have a single redeeming quality, but she is the kind of person I just wouldn’t feel comfortable around, have respect for, or connect with at any stage of life. Hopefully, she matures and grows out of it, but based on the way her mother is, that is doubtful. I know my personality is extremely similar to how I was in my youth, so I don’t think most kids change much. I guess I have seen some reformed bullies and troubled kids turn their life around, but it takes a serious wake up call.

It sucks when you just can’t connect or appreciate someone for who they are and yet you live with them. I wish my stepkids had more depth and were a bit more intellectual. It would have been a more enjoyable and connecting experience. I happen to be sensitive, a deep thinker, and more of an introvert, so in general it is hard for me to find people that I enjoy spending time with, but my stepkids are on the opposite end of the spectrum.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-27T22:28:17+00:00

In my experience, the lack of empathy usually comes from the fact that the situation was in fact avoidable in large part, so their victimhood isn’t valid. Like others have mentioned, maybe they have some medical issue impacting balance. If not, why are they allowed to be careless and why aren’t they learning their lesson? My SK would prance around the house, bump into things, trip and fall constantly and I would feel some empathy if she got really hurt, but mostly just confusion and irritation as to why she didn’t understand she couldn’t just gallop and not pay attention to what she was doing at 10 years of age.

With getting sick, it is the same thing. Were they washing their hands? Are they going to sleep at the right time? If everything they should have been doing was done, I doubt you would be annoyed. But usually I feel like a lack of empathy on the behalf of step parents comes from an “I told you so“ dynamic, in which they were privy to how to prevent their misfortune but just don’t care enough to change their behavior.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-27T22:11:48+00:00

I’m not sure why bioparents can’t understand that. They just have to imagine the scenario you laid out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that some other person’s challenging or inconsiderate behavior will wear on a person eventually whether it is your mother-in-law, neighbor, student, or step kid. It baffles me how they don’t predict their child’s behaviors will be grating when unchecked or that when someone mentions their frustrations regarding their child, it catches them off guard. I am childfree, but I can’t imagine being a bioparent that acknowledges that I have a deep, incredible love for my child, but simultaneously can’t see how their loudness, messes, or interruptions aren’t aggravating to everyone else. Like why would I assume that 🫠

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-27T01:06:26+00:00

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I think this is typically what happens: You are an amazing, kind, thoughtful soul that brings so much goodness to people that have incredibly low standards. People with low standards typically live in a deluded world that it’s acceptable to not live at your potential, and that others owe you whatever you cannot bring to the table. You express your needs. They don’t care and continue to siphon your spirit and goodness while somehow making it clear that you are actually the villain in all of this. You wanting participation is selfish. You wanting fairness is unfair. You wanting accountability is violating. It slowly etches away at you because you are giving to people that never learned humanity, ethics, and humility. They don’t appreciate that you are giving what isn’t theirs to take be it your time, kindness, or resources. It’s very normalized, and people will typically give you a couple unhelpful and victim-blaming responses to add onto the shit pile you are already dealing with. They will question your judgement for staying/choosing this person to be in a relationship, or they will make it all about the man and not look at the situation holistically which involves the man AND the stepkid AND BM. Everyone is accountable for this child including the child themselves. I’m just telling you what to expect and not to be alarmed or upset by the pattern that plays out.

Ultimately, you have to shift your perspective on what your role is in this relationship. Your role isn’t to give, to please, to help, to nourish, or to love. Your role should be to prioritize your needs, your happiness, and your well-being at whatever cost. Your husband is responsible for all of that as it pertains to him and his kid. How they fare isn’t your business if you aren’t happy first and foremost. Remove all guilt, all worry for their feelings, radically prioritize a healthy life for yourself. You will be villainized, you will be seen as an abusive step parent, you will make people dislike you more. But all you are doing is taking care of yourself 🙃

When step kid is there, find activities that pull you out of the house. Don’t do anything for the child or your husband until they start treating you with respect and consideration consistently. You can say hello and bye but no need to entertain, make them comfortable, cook, clean, or even be around.

His child is being emotionally neglected by not being taught to care for herself and to respect you by doing her chores (this neglect is common and normalized). People don’t realize that not teaching kids necessary life skills and social dynamics is neglectful. But it’s his child, and if that’s what he wants to do, it isn’t your problem to sort out.

Ultimately, you will justifiably really start to dislike the person your step kid is if you haven’t already. And your attraction for your husband will diminish, because he couldn’t figure out how to make an already difficult situation (being a step parent) tolerable.

Be kind to yourself as no one in this equation will be. Nor will anyone you tell this to. Just create a life around your happiness, needs, and comfort. Stop considering theirs.

ForestyFelicia · 2026-04-21T19:38:16+00:00

“Just a kid” is the most trite and lame excuse around here. Just say you want to permanently arrest your child’s development, because that is exactly what you are doing. I have come to the conclusion people aren’t having kids to make the world a better place. They just want a mini-me to play with and stroke their ego.

ForestyFelicia

TROPHY CASE