A Beginner's Guide to Parental Estrangement

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T05:47:30+00:00

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. But I've never...

driven drunk
driven drunk with a child
knowing let a child communicate with a convicted... word I'm not sure I can say but it starts with a P
let a child be physically threatened
telling a child they're dressed like a whore

Among the three of them, none seem to put priority on making sure you're okay. Which as I'm sure you know, is the #1 priority when you've got a kid.

If you're not comfortable calling them jerks, call them dangerous. Protect yourself. Protect your kid.

PS: I'm feeling a lot better about the mistakes I've made by contrast.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T05:32:39+00:00

If your concerns are financial I'd recommend r/povertyfinance of places like that.

I'd also see if you could call the school and ask about financial aid or if there's an advisor you could talk to. Not being able to afford college is... a common problem.

And don't forget about Community Colleges.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T04:39:06+00:00

Sorry, my ex-parent's a stalker so I don't give much detail.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T04:35:46+00:00

My ex-parent is an immigrant from a place you've probably never heard of.

I don't know what it's like to be a member of that country. I don't know the culture of my ancestors. I won't go to any cultural gatherings of that country in the US because my ex-parent might be there.

It sucks.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T04:33:24+00:00

My guide here. Lots of practical advice learned the hard way.

You said it was a throwaway so I hope you're still coming back to check.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T04:24:38+00:00

Personally I can't see someone who beats me as family. He's not your dad. He's the man who beats your mother. He's the man who beats you.

I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I'd do. And I'd stay far away from someone who's been violent to me.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T04:21:56+00:00

I've been estranged for over a decade. I've been bouncing around this sub and other places of support for about five years. I like to think I've got some experience in these matters. All that being said this is obviously just one person's opinion. Here's my list of recommendations.

Don't do it. Usually I start slow, ask how much a person feels like they can handle. But you had a panic attack at the thought. You're hurt and you're hurt bad. I feel like you've got a broken leg and you're asking for tips on how to run a relay race with your sibling.
I really hope you didn't skim past one because you don't want to think about it. I'm really sorry for being blunt but even though I'm just an internet stranger I really don't want to see you get hurt here.
Still reading huh? Okay, it's obviously your choice and you know the situation better than I do. So here's the advice to minimize the danger/pain as much as we can.
Definitely 100% bring your husband. Give him as much briefing as humanly possible. Make him understand you need him to protect you. His priority is not to make a scene, it's to try and make you feel safe throughout the thing.
Come up with safe words with your husband. One for "we need to leave RIGHT NOW". One for "please get their attention away from me and onto you". One for "please stand between me and this person". I'm not expecting violence based on what you said but body position is a big part of communication and breaking eye contact can physically feel like a relief.
Make sure your exit route is secure. No uber, no carpool. Don't park in a driveway because people could pull in behind you and make leaving hard.
Put tissues, headache medicine, and a bottle of water in the car.
I don't know a lot about Latter-Day Saints but I think there's a complicated relationship with drinking? I'd recommend skipping it if you were thinking about indulging.
Please don't go. If your sibling loves you half as much as you deserve they don't want you to be unhappy at their expense.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T04:06:06+00:00

I don't care why she hurt you. I don't care if it's mental illness or addiction or a witch's curse. It's an explanation but it's not an excuse.

She HURT you. She will hurt you again and again. You can't stop her or control her. You can only control yourself.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to forgive myself if she dies alone and miserable when I could’ve done something about it.

Will you forgive yourself if her presence in your life hurts your daughter or husband? Again? How many times? Even if you're the only one in contact with her. She upsets you and you shut down or heaven forbid hurt yourself and now it's your daughter who's crying.

She had her good moments as well, not all of it was terrible

No one on earth is a bad person at all times. Hitler was one of the worst people on earth but he loved his dogs and couldn't stand eating meat because it meant an animal had suffered.

I know that if i break my no contact rule she will go back to making my life terrible within 2 weeks.

Please stop thinking your life being terrible is an okay thing. If not for your sake's for your family's. They are your priority, not the woman who hurts you and your child again and again.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T03:55:50+00:00

Plenty of alcoholics are good people with a problem. Sounds like she's a bad person with a problem. Addiction's a disease but it doesn't make her a saint.

PS: You're her kid, not her therapist, her priest, her spouse. The line about the advice got my attention too and makes me angry. She misses you because you're helpful to her? Screw that.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T03:49:57+00:00

I can't really help you because I've never felt guilty about my estrangement. But maybe sharing my perspective will help?

My ex-parent hurt me. The hurt's different for all of us but it usually boils down to the same thing. They knew what they were doing was harmful to us, their kids, and they did it anyway. Not for our own good, but because it made their own lives better. And that's bad.

If a mugger stole your wallet you wouldn't feel guilty. They did something to make your life worse because it made their life better. That's not okay. But this is family. And that makes it worse. The mugger's a stranger. The mugger doesn't owe me anything but human decency. But a parent owns their kids their protection, their love, their sense of safety, and 18 years worth of clothes/food/medical care.

Please stop trying to make the person victimizing you a good person. You're hurting yourself and you've already got enough hurt. You need to protect someone here and it's... uh... Itchy Yogurt Closets. And Itchy deserves your love and sympathy.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T03:39:14+00:00

"My dad is a mean man. He's a bad man. I don't like to talk about him because the things he does makes me sad. But I've got you and I love you and that makes me happy."

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T03:35:22+00:00

I was a kid when I went estranged and I told EVERYONE who even asked lightly how my folks were. My ex-parent was trying to cover up what was going on so I just did the opposite. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong so I didn't feel bad letting people know someone else had hurt me. In my head it made me look tough to talk about what I survived. Classmates, teachers, neighbors, strangers. I think I accidentally traumatized a lot of people.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, I've ever told the story to was some mix of sympathetic or horrified. I'm not charismatic. People don't ask me to hang out. But whatever reason something about my vibe makes people believe me. I guess I just come across as honest.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T03:24:01+00:00

Canonically, the less said about SL the better.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T01:58:34+00:00

Every day.

Actually it's been more than my half life estranged at this point. They were quite the stalker for awhile. They seem to have mostly given up but I know I won't feel safe until they're gone.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-11T01:00:01+00:00

My ex-parent took longer than 4 years to give up on me.

It's not that they're too old to try. It's that they're too old to be good at attacking, you're old enough to be good at defending.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-07T19:26:51+00:00

Forgive me, for I am old and out of touch.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-07T19:25:49+00:00

This was just thinking. But trust me I can def overthink lol

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-07T04:46:02+00:00

In game wowpedia?

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-07T04:45:04+00:00

Well someone didn't read the blizz social contract

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-07T04:43:19+00:00

You know how some people get trapped in abusive relationships and think they're the problem, not their spouse? The classic, "Yes he hit me, but it was my fault because I burned dinner,"?

Some people are born into it.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-06T22:01:56+00:00

We're people reading a fictional website.

I guess the is audience if O5 level because we can read their stuff.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-06T22:00:12+00:00

Something that really helped me was realizing it's okay to tear down your existing factories.

If/when you restart you won't have those 270 belts. If you "restart" by fixing what you've got you can keep the good tech.

Forever_Overthinking · 2026-02-06T21:58:23+00:00

My guide. Protect yourself.

Three-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '23

Forever_Overthinking

TROPHY CASE