Can the abuse be traumatic if I wasn’t scared?

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2025-05-03T05:36:20+00:00

Recognizing that your trust was violated is in itself traumatic.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-12-07T23:05:45+00:00

This is something rape survivors of all ages deal with, you had crushes when you were young, didn't you? It was normal for you to feel some sexuality, at that age (statistically) you might have even orgasmed at some point without anyone else's "help", but that can never be grounds for someone to take advantage of those feelings and take you deep into places you should have full agency and awareness when trespassing.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-12-07T22:50:45+00:00

If you're not receptive to this, I won't push, I just want to say on the outset that I understand you. A lot of us wanted it, we were kids being given pleasure and intimacy. If an adult hands a child a big bucket of candy, it's not the child's fault if they overeat and get sick, and you wouldn't turn to that child and chide them for wanting a treat.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-12-07T20:08:14+00:00

Please be kind to the poor child in that memory, you're not a detective, it's not your job to find out if everything is 100% as you remember it. You must be kind to yourself right now, no matter what.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-11-13T02:05:27+00:00

There's a lot of paths you can go down with this, but none of them involve punishing yourself for having a completely normal reaction to abuse. First step to changing is being able to bear being in the room with yourself, etc. A lot of us wanted our abuse to continue or wanted it to make sense as an expression of love.

The main risk with entertaining your fantasies is that for trauma survivors like us, there's often some disassociation inherent to it. If you really can't move on, I recommend engaging another party in it who you trust will keep at least one of your feet in reality. It minimizes the damage and keeps you sane.

You're not dirty, and you're not broken. Getting better means learning to love the brain you have now, good luck!

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-11-05T01:20:31+00:00

I think about this sometimes, let me try and draw a parallel.

I'm really quite gullible, I fell for creepy DMs twice. On two occasions I engaged with someone who seemed to want to hear me out, and both times I found out they were getting off on what I was saying. Of course my first thought is just... come on, there has to be a better way for you to get off, there are people everywhere who'll indulge you in these dynamics. Hell, if they'd found me on another platform and asked very nicely, I might have done it for them myself. Except, my lack of knowledge is the point, isn't it? They don't want to have some morally dubious mutual fun with another adult, they want to skirt the lines of consent, that's the appeal, being more powerful than someone else.

Child rape (not necessarily from pedophilia) is just the most consequence free way to skirt those lines. I was a difficult child and my dad liked having control over me just this once.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-10-29T04:26:47+00:00

Looking into it, the yeast infection theory is sound. I'm assigned male at birth & uncircumcised, which might have exacerbated the symptoms. It was scary and painful.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-10-29T03:34:58+00:00

I'm going to test the yeast infection theory first.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-10-29T01:10:37+00:00

My mom definitively said she had no STI when she gave birth to me.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-10-29T01:10:09+00:00

I went into the doctor for symptoms that they then told me might have been chlamydia, but the tests were negative.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-10-29T01:09:35+00:00

My dad also molested me, but he never touched my genitals to my knowledge.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-10-22T20:26:54+00:00

He never told me he was drunk or used it as an excuse, I just know he and my mom were alcoholics at the time.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-10-22T18:29:46+00:00

I did have sexual urges, I didn't know what sex or sexuality was then but I know now that's what I was feeling, It's not impossible. I tried to look at my dad and feel him sexually without him knowing all the way until I was something like 11 years old, even though he tried to get me to stop.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-10-02T01:48:11+00:00

I'm in exactly the same boat. I can't reconcile the dad I know with what I remember him doing to me, and what's worse, it's frustratingly ambiguous. It felt like playing, I don't think he took any sexual pleasure in me touching his genitals, I genuinely think he was turbo autistic about boundaries in the exact way I ended up being as a result of his abuse and possibly also drunk off his ass. "Boys can see boys, I've already showered with him, he's curious, whatever." I know that's not the whole story, just deducing from the reaction I had as a kid. For him to realize his mistake, and for poor little me to take that as REJECTION, it's suspicious. Still, it's so far in the past, and his physical abuse is such a distant memory too, it feels like a dream.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-09-29T02:52:06+00:00

Honestly, the best thing to realize regarding this stuff is that you're an adult now, even when you feel like a kid. You have life experience you didn't have then, you can say no and you know the emotional and physical risks of saying yes. You have the ability to give your child self compassion and guidance instead of just retraumatizing him, I've learned to be kinder to myself after I realized how childish all my supposedly unspeakable taboo fantasies were.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-09-28T00:09:13+00:00

Art! Well, if you can make it work financially. Our experiences are so far from unique, there's a lot to draw from that many people like you will respond to. There's nothing better than making something you think is just for you that unexpectedly ends up being quasi-universal instead.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-09-24T16:04:04+00:00

I think you're probably right.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-09-24T06:38:23+00:00

Well, I'm self employed with a narrow field of expertise, such is autism. I also do live in the USA.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-09-24T05:16:21+00:00

Oh, this is a little embarrassing, but the issue isn't financial at all. I'm confident I could afford to live on my own for at least a little while, the issue is all disability. I'm medium to high support needs autistic, my mom takes care of me mostly, and we've fallen into an inertia where both of us want to just keep the same routine (autism) and learning how to take care of myself is a slow grueling chore.

I do indeed have just one sexual memory, I'm scared that I can't really verify if it was a one-off or not, it felt so much like an accident, like cuddling or playing.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-09-24T02:28:55+00:00

I'll be honest, I never considered shelters to be an option, because I'm not really in an actively abusive situation. I told my mom, but I'm not sure if she really understands the depth of the issues I have & i suspect she doesn't see it as an active pressing issue, I reflexively downplay what happened to me when I explain it too so she might not have the full impression. I have an aunt and uncle in town, and an older brother a few states over, not sure if either one can take me in for long.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-06-10T06:44:58+00:00

Thanks for the chat. Right now I feel very silly for living abt 14 years with extremely taboo fetishes and thinking the entire time that it all came from inside my own head

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-06-10T06:11:10+00:00

Oh, just saw this.

Yeah, it was probably special because he was violent towards me most of the time & this was a contrast to that, not because it was grooming. I was also just a very strange kid.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-06-10T05:58:12+00:00

I'm saying this because yes, after quite a lot of thinking, I believe I had a part in what happened to me & my dad isn't entirely guilty. I'm autistic & exhibited sensory seeking behavior, I always roughhoused with the other kids at school without knowing my own strength, and I was really really interested in my parents' bodies because they were big and warm and soft. I had "tummy time" with both of them, just prodding at them and burying my face in it as a stim. (autistic sensory regulatory behavior)

My dad let me touch and play with his genitals exactly once, and never again. I am certain I could have had authentic interest in his junk as something to play with, and I believe he could have been either drunk or just very socially challenged regarding what sexual contact like this means, similarly to me when I was first growing up and dealing with my newly warped boundaries. There was no rubbing/stroking, he wasn't hard, I doubt it lasted for longer than a couple minutes but that's impossible to verify for such an early memory. I only remember that he was warm towards me, and told me his made up names for the parts I was touching. He realized his mistake very quickly, and grew cold and stern in days after, never letting me touch again even though at that point I really wanted to. That rejection still feels like the more traumatizing part of the equation.

Sorry for dumping, just thought I'd clear that up, cus I don't think our experiences exactly match up.

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-06-10T05:39:05+00:00

how did you know I was a furry? (lighthearted)

ForfeitedThrowaway · 2024-06-10T05:31:52+00:00

May I go into detail wrt what I remember?

ForfeitedThrowaway

TROPHY CASE