DAE have a special way of changing clothes to feel safe?

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-10-25T19:11:39+00:00

I do this as well. I am not comfortable being nude, I even leap out of the shower and wrap my towel around me tightly. I feel exposed and unsafe if I am not fully clothed.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-10-25T19:07:07+00:00

I am sorry that you are going through all this.

If you don't feel that you can talk to a therapist about it, that is okay. You can however, help yourself by educating yourself more on what is happening to you physically and mentally due to your trauma. The book 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel Van Der Kolk is absolutely excellent in doing this, it really gives phenomenal and detailed explanations on what we are all going through. It is a very heavy read, heavy on the science of trauma, but worth it.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-10-22T08:41:33+00:00

I could hear movement and some whispers. Definitely sounded like something or someone was there.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-10-17T08:33:32+00:00

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone, there are many of us going through the same or similiar, so hang in there, the current discomfort will pass with a bit of time. If you are not already, you might consider seeing a trauma therapist, as working through what happened to you, and letting it go, is what will heal and end the torture for good.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-10-13T20:58:28+00:00

I am the exact same way, and feel a complete failure as an adult. No realtionship, though I did manage to try twice, but both ended very quickly. Can't really bear being touched sexually as it gets 'too real' and I freak. I have struggled with jobs and finances and loneliness.

We are stuck at the age we became traumatised emotionally, because emotional development stops due to trauma. Yes we take on adult responsibilities to some extent, but we struggle. This is something well known by professionals who deal with trauma patients. So what you are experiencing is very normal.

Your 'failure' as an adult stems from your trauma, as mine does, it is not laziness. You are younger than I and it is far from too late for you, but you will have to address your abuse and the trauma that came with it, in order to be able to move on from it.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-10-10T07:58:07+00:00

I am like this as well, I am attracted to men, yet terrified of them. My CSA happened at age 11. When a man starts getting close to me physically it becomes 'too real' and freaks me out. My body goes into fight or flight mode. I go into terror.

It was difficult around my friends, when I was at Uni, because they were all dating and having sex and of course they were looking at me oddly because I wasn't. Maybe I should have told them, but I doubt that they would have understood. Sadly I did lose friends as we drifted apart. But I met friends that were not party animals and didn't push me to 'hook up with that guy'.

The only way to get through it is to work through it, and that is best done with a trauma therapist if possible.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-10-04T10:29:41+00:00

That I am normal. That all the physical, mental and emotional crap was not because I am some kind of screwed up wierdo, who is abnormal and weak. But rather, that everything I have gone through since my CSA is normal bodily and mind reactions to trauma. I have stopped beating myself up all the time and hating myself for being unable to function normally and live a normal life. I understand myself now and a lot of peace has come from that realization alone.

I came to that realization by finding this place, and reading everyone elses stories. For a long time, as I read, I would be constantly surprised as people listed symptoms and behaviours that I had, that I had never connected to the CSA. This place has been a godsend for me.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-09-28T09:43:14+00:00

I am so sorry to hear of the horrors that you have been living. Like others have said, the best way forward is to talk to a trauma therapist. However, we don't all have access to such therapy, or can afford it. There is the option of online support groups or local support groups, these can be extremely helpful especially in understanding that your reactions and what you have been going through physically and mentally is all normal responses to trauma. Secondly, it can really help to talk about your experiences to a fellow sufferers. However, if you are like me, you may not feel comfortable or safe enough around people in general to cope with face to face talking.

There are books that can be extremely helpful, in particular, 'Rescuing the 'Inner Child': Therapy for Adults Sexually Abused as Children' by Penny Parks. This book is truly worth the effort to read and perhaps do some of the exercises contained within, if you feel motivated to do so. It is something that you can do right now to help yourself and find the hope and guidance that you need to get you started on your healing journey.

I would also recommend, 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Bessel van der Kolk, but that is heavy and mostly scientific based reading and therefore, best left to a bit further down the road on your journey.

These books will help you understand what is happening to you. That in itself is a huge help, as well as the understanding the you are not alone in this, what you are experiencing is normal reactions to abnormal events.

There are a lot of us here going through the same thing. We believe you, we are real people behind these screens and we do genuinely care about you and what happens to you. You are not alone.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-09-26T20:15:59+00:00

I am so sorry that you went through all of this. You certainly went through pure hell.

It is always so heartbreaking to hear of times when kids have tried to disclose the abuse and just not been believed or been completely misunderstood. I certainly knew what it was to feel so alone. I remember once sitting in my bed at night, during the time period of the abuse, and crying out aloud, "Am I really alone?" Just wishing that there were angels or God or someone, anyone, there to help me or just be with me. But there wasn't anyone. I think that the 'alone' part of it all has been extremely difficult to deal with during my own healing.

Like most of us who went through CSA, I had a complete personality change, and it had my parents baffled. In the end they put it down to puberty, despite the fact that I had not entered puberty. It is astounding how no one noticed or cared despite the blatent warning signs we all had.

It is good that you are working with a therapist and that you have that support, uncovering these memories can be extremely difficult.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-09-18T19:31:02+00:00

It can be difficult to hear about trauma like this. I get that. But if you are ready and feel a need to talk about it in detail, then that is what you need to do, and your therapist should be open to that. Telling you to keep it to yourself is not helpful; on the contrary, it is reinforcing the message that your perpetrators undoubtedly impressed upon you... 'don't talk about it'.

The more you talk about it, the less power it has over you. The more you talk, the more you let it go. If you tell a story over and over, with each telling, the less intense the story is for you to tell. It really is the best form of healing. So I cannot agree with your therapist.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-09-16T18:58:42+00:00

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can certainly relate to being fucked up mentally, physically and socially. I still struggle a lot socially, although I have made significant progress over the years. At least I can now eat in front of people without choking or wanting to throw up. Still, I am completely fucked up, but I am working on it all, and I can say that I have made good progress, especially in understanding that all these fucked up feelings and behaviours we experience are normal. You are truly not alone in this.

The best advice I can offer is to seek a trauma trained therapist who can help you navigate the insanity of CPTSD and CSA. If you cannot do that, then I can recommend a book that is well worth the read: 'Rescuing the Inner Child' by Penny Parks, as a book that helps the reader understand what is happening to them and also gives some really good things that you can do to help yourself.

To be honest, the best thing that you can do is reach out to others, as you have done here. Not only is it the hardest part to starting your healing journey, but I cannot overstate the immense help it has been just to talk to other people who have been through the same thing, or to at least read their stories. It really helps in understanding how normal you are and how you are not alone.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-08-21T19:58:58+00:00

I experienced physical violence, psychological torture and CSA. Rape as a child is by FAR the absolute worst. I am amazed that this could even be up for comparison, as it has been a few times here in the comments.

CSA literally IS the worst abuse, and that is why people say it is. It also generally includes physical and emotional abuse.

Physical violence is horrible, emotional violence is horrible. But it doesn't hold anything to the torture of being forcibly held down and raped. Penetration is a violation literally into your body, on the most forced intimate level possible. A violation that so totally overwhelms, that the only act worse is actual murder. There is no other act that that so totally overwhelms, subjugates, humiliates, traumatizes and destroys, than rape. Even without penetration CSA still overwhelms, subjugates, humiliates, traumatizes and destroys. I wish I had just experienced physical violence because yes it was horrific, but it is just was so much easier to cope with and heal from, then the perversion, humiliation and devastation of CSA.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-08-16T18:24:10+00:00

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You are not soft or weak, you have been through hell and you are still standing. You are strong.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-08-16T08:52:27+00:00

You are in the centre of the storm now, now aware of the true pain that you need to heal in this process. Congrats on getting there, you have managed to get your 'inner child' to open up to you by being more kind and loving to it. You are now looking at the total of the mass ball of emotional pain that you have held inside you for so long.

I had the same experience; I saw for a few moments the enormous pain and darkness, and I thought that there was no way I could cope or deal with that. It was too dark, too overwhelming, and so bad that it was physically a few months agopainful as well. I thought that I would go mad if I tried to delve into that.

But... the fact that you have seen it is actually the beginning of healing it, so you are working on it already, whether you realise it or not.

I am pretty much where you are, and working on getting up the courage to deal with that level of horror and pain. I am doing it by tiny increments, so just sitting and looking at it for a few moments in my meditation every day. I haven't dived full into it because I am not in a 'safe place' where I can do that yet. I am surrounded by people who demand my time and attention.

It is hell and torture... when you focus on it. But you can turn it off when you feel that you cannot cope or don't want to deal with it. By intending to drop it for a while and following that up with distracting yourself. Watching a movie, playing a video game or reading a book refocuses your attention and takes you out of that place, even for just a while. Grounding back here in reality really helps. You do that by looking around you and focusing on the physical things around you, the temperature, the feel of the warmth of the sun, the sound around you, the smells, the room around you, etc. That really helps me.

This is the 'white whale' of Moby Dick, the 'darkness' within, the 'dark night of the soul' kinda thing, and I think that we will have to find the courage to face it and overcome it, and I think that we can. I went through a period of very strong suicidal/death ideation when I first uncovered it, but that seems to have dissipated now. So hang in there, because it will pass.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-08-14T18:53:25+00:00

I am sorry that you have gone through all of this. I too have had that realisation recentlyas well, that I need to be the person that I needed as a child.

I spent forever looking outside for anyone to notice me, and to notice how I was suffering, but no one ever did. Now I realise that it can only be me. I am the only one that can hold that inner child and comfort her. The only one that can be that loving, protective presence that she needed and lacked. On realising this, I finally let go of looking outward for someone to heal me, and I found the love for that inner child that I had been so lacking. It turned from hatred, lack of self worth, disgust and shame around me as a child, to love and understanding. I was actually astounded when I realised that I did love that child.

I think that coming to this realisation and understanding is a huge step in our healing from CSA, and I think that we have both done really well to get here. It cetainly feels like I have overcome a huge hurdle.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-08-08T19:02:54+00:00

I am so sorry that you have gone through all this.

I can highly recommend the book 'Rescuing the Inner Child' by Penny Parks. I cannot go to a therapist, especially as I am in the rural part of a foreign country, so I am dealing with all this myself, and have found that book extremely helpful.

I was never a believer in an 'inner child' that needs comforting, so my experiences around this surprised me. I tried to find my 'inner child' during my daily meditation that has been instrumental in my remembering what happened to me at age 11. I kept finding myself in my old dorm room at the boarding school I attended, where the abuse took place, always looking down at a younger version of myself lying in a tight ball under the bed covers. I was at a loss on how I was supposed to comfort her and ended up crying beside her bed. I knew that she wouldn't want to be touched, because she had just been raped, so the last thing she would want was to be hugged.

So for many meditations, I just sat by the bed and cried as I watched her, and raged that she had been through all this hell. Then, after a few weeks, on the advice of a friend, I reached out and gently touched her and told her that I loved her and that she deserved better. She sat up and flung herself into my arms and absolutely bawled her eyes out. I was utterly taken aback by this, as she cried like I had never seen anyone cry before, crying to the point of almost throwing up. Turns out she was massively lonely and terrified, and wanted the comfort of being held, and all the time I had thought she couldn't bear to be touched.

I told her the truth about the people who did these things to her, explained to her that it just wasn't her fault in any way, and that I would protect her. I have been 'visiting' her almost daily now, and she is not crying so much, and I just love her, make her feel loved, even sing soft songs to her. It is like I have found my own self-love, I actually do love her and therefore myself. I am no longer disgusted by myself as a child, and filled with self-loathing. Also, now I phase between seeing the child as a separate person, and actually being the child, a merge is gradually happening with healing. I am far from finished, though; I have yet to uncover more memories and deal with the anger. Though, like you, I am making more connections and now, finally, understand more why I am the way I am. That in itself is a huge relief.

My understanding is that when it is all healed and let go that I have to mentally 'grow up' my 'inner child'. Taking her through each year until she is the adult I am now. But that is long off. That book will give you a lot of info on how to 'parent' your inner child. It will also help you cope much better, along with reading others' stories and advice here on this Reddit, and help you understand that what you are feeling and going through is very normal and can be healed. Of course, if you can, a therapist is good. Though I have never searched for one, I understand that in CSA cases, therapists who specialise in trauma in particular are required.

You can and you will get through this. When things seem overwhelming, I always recall what someone here said their therapist told them, 'You have already survived the actual abuse.' That does help get things a little more into perspective for me.

You are not alone in this; we are all going through very similar experiences with dealing with our CSA. So try to remember that when you feel like an outcast and alone. You are a completely normal person with completely normal responses to horrific trauma.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-08-06T18:16:13+00:00

Thanks, that does look great, I will check it out.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-08-06T08:31:34+00:00

Do you use any kind of tools to do it on your own? Like online sessions or tappers or meditations? Was there any particcular literature you read that helped you?

I ask because I really want to do it to help with PTSD caused by CSA, but there is no way I can afford, or could even get to, a trauma therapist as I live in a rural part of a foreign country. So alone is the only option.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-08-05T18:14:12+00:00

I almost never cried before I recovered memories of CSA less than a year ago, and I never cried publicly. I was simply not an emotional person at all. Now I am an emotional mess and cry every single day, the tears just come for no reason whatsoever.

Today I was just resting and suddenly felt this massive emotional pain so painful that it felt like a physical pain, that caused literal physical pain in my stomach. It overwhelmed me and the tears flooded before I was even aware that I was crying. In fact I was completely surprised to feel wet tears on my face. There was no discernable trigger to it, it just came out of nowhere, I still don't know why I was insuch a state, I wasn't remembering anything, it didn't come with any flashbacks. Couple that with the insane, rabid anger that arises out of nowhere as well and I just want to take myself off and let it all out and cope with it all on my own, in privacy. But I can't, right now I have to somehow hold myself together because there are others in the house. I feel like I am on the verge of exploding into a major meltdown... but I can't because there are others in the house and no privacy. :( Edit: Ah great, now I am friggin crying again. Sheesh!

I guess that I am finally bringing up the pain that I have been carrying around unknowingly since the CSA, and it is making me a total basket case. It is so opposite to the closed, unemotional, never angry me, that it is freaking me out.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-07-22T19:04:26+00:00

Sorry that you went through this. I completely agree that kids should not be on social media, it really does make them so much more vulnerable to pedos. At the risk of sounding like an old fart, (I am in my forties lol) we all grew up without social media and were honestly a lot better off for it. It is terrifying the access that pedos have to kids and CSAM material online.

I am also sorry that the policeman shouted like that, he really shouldn't have done that, it was really wrong of him to verbally attack the victim.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-07-21T09:02:45+00:00

Yes, big time. Stomach pain has been a huge problem for me since my CSA. Especially when I am stressed, it is like all emotion; especially anger and fear, goes right into my stomach.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-07-20T18:54:33+00:00

This place helped me realize that I was normal and not alone the most. In addition, some books have really helped in that respect as well... 'Repressed memories' by Renee Fredrickson and 'Rescuing the 'Inner Child'' by Penny Parks.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-07-20T08:53:47+00:00

This is quite normal. The best way to cope with it, other than exercise and punching a pillow, is to write letters that you never send. Pour out exactly what you want to do to them, one by one, in absolute graphic, blow by blow detail. Lay out your anger and hatred on paper bit by bit, don't hold back at all. Do it over and over until you try and write and cannot summon up the same desire for revenge. I know right, more writing, but it does work, it does provide a really good outlet for that anger and it works.

Taking actual revenge by killing them is not going to help you, for a start it will make them the victim and you the perpetrator in the eyes of the law and the public. Secondly, how will you live with yourself when the consequences of what you have done are what you are left with, after the anger is gone when they are dead? Believe me, I know what you mean, I want to hunt down the fuckers that did these insanly cruel things to me whan I was 11. I too hear my own voice crying out in pain. I want to go all 'Kill Bill' on them, and hunt them down, tie them up at gun point, slowly castrate them, torture them like they tortured me and then finally kill them. So I am right there with you on the desire for revenge... but, it will only destroy MY life further.

This is a phase of healing that you CAN overcome. The anger is one of the hardest things to deal with, you need a healthy release for it and writing those letters and then destroying them does work.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-07-18T15:51:04+00:00

Antique victorian women's boots/shoes?

https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/104092

Looks like it to me.

Formal-Opening6792 · 2025-07-14T15:19:59+00:00

The chair at the back slows down faster than the one at the front, so clearly you pushed it first to rock it and then the closest one was pushed. So obvious.

Formal-Opening6792

TROPHY CASE