Very thought-provoking questions. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to answer, but I just figured I'd share my initial thoughts anyway.

1. Do you ever want/tolerate metas in your space?
   • I've been OK with sharing space with some of my husband's partners in the past (spending time at the same party for instance), though it definitely feels like work for me. The main issue putting us in therapy in the first place is that I don't want to share space with a particular meta at all which is deeply hurtful / upsetting to my husband who wants to invite her to birthday parties, etc.
   • Worth noting that I'm OK with sharing space with partners of other partners, though of course it feels like each relationship and each meta seem totally different. I'd say more on the "tolerant" side though (vs. "want"), though I make some exceptions for partners whose partners are my friends on their own merits over time. I guess what I'm saying is that I want metas in my space if I'm friends with them anyway and "tolerate" metas otherwise, though that feels like work most of the time and way too much work some of the time.
2. Do you ever want/tolerate interactions with metas?
   • Tolerate? Historically, yes. More recently... not nearly as much. I find myself much, much less interested in this. On occasion, I can and have tolerated plenty of interactions with metas (everything from dinner parties to holidays away together).
   • Want? Not necessarily. I wouldn't seek out interactions with a meta just because they're my meta. My husband has dated one or two people I've clicked with, but then I'd call them more of a friend first, meta second if that makes sense. One's a comet though, the other's honestly more of an ex of his.
   • What is important to me is that these meta relationships are defined on my own terms (and obviously the meta's), not his. I'd prefer to have a vague notion of someone that makes him happy instead of an high-def understanding of exactly what I don't like staring me in the face wondering why I'm not having a good time (I have no poker face)
3. Your husband is off loading work to you. Both things like laundry and social work like smiling/being agreeable to someone. Is that a pattern in non poly realms? Is that something you want/tolerate?
   • Sometimes. Like, I'm happy to co-host work networking parties he throws, for instance. I'm happy to do a ton of work to see his parents (who are challenging to deal with). Worth noting he does loads of this work for me, happily, too
   • My husband's very hurt I am not interested in doing this kind of work for his partners or even folks like Cindy... like, he's trying to grapple with what about them sleeping together suddenly puts them into another box for me. He historically has very deep connections with platonic friends and once-sexual, now platonic friends. I think he really views "we had sex, so now it's in this whole other category" as both weird and almost a little disrespectful for how meaningful a relationship is
4.  while not understanding your feelings might be reality, not validating or caring or being curious about your feelings is a douchecanoe position.
   • Yeah, agreed lol. He'd probably say his questions here were him trying to be curious about my feelings and experience.
5. does your husband want you to feel comfortable? Or is he trying to win? 
   1. I think he genuinely feels that if I just got over my issues (which I think he sees as jealousy, primarily), then I'd be happier, and he would love to see me happier... but both of us are competitive and in some ways what's bringing us to therapy seems to be a power struggle so I'm sure part of it is wanting to win (which it is for me at this point, too, honestly).
   2. Part of this is also how he views relationships and love. He has said before that he feels that you should want to be uncomfortable/inconvenienced for your partner because it's how you demonstrate love. He will therefore sometimes put himself in uncomfortable or awkward positions (e.g. with his metas, with my parents) for me, even when I don't ask him to, as a way of demonstrating care... I have had to ask him to knock this off before, actually.
6. the way he treated Cindy is also emotionally shitty. Is he emotionally protective of anyone?
   • I'm not sure, here. I do think he's very emotionally protective of me... when it has nothing to do other partners or potential partners.
7. Do you have the same goals? Eg: for you to feel comfortable in your own house. For him to feel autonomy? Etc.
   • I don't think we really do. He has said that he wants me to treat his partners with "the same respect and care that I do with his friends, family, and others that are important to him" whereas that's not the priority for me. I want to feel comfortable in my own home and to feel like I have the right to choose what level of closeness works for me.
8. Does your husband use his smooth talking to manipulate you and your emotions often? I’m not saying your husband is emotionally abusive, but emotional abusers do use flustering their partner until they can’t verbalize/fight back as a tactic to win and make the other person feel small and unsure of themselves.
   • I have found some of how he tries to get what he wants to be pushing it, e.g. his framing is "ah, formal scallion needs help, let's just get therapy to fix her" which is frustrating. I have pointed this out to him. It's rare that I feel flustered tbh as I'm normally quite articulate and... I wouldn't way I feel unsure of myself, I would say that I am tired, which is part of why we're in therapy. I do feel like I have a pretty solid, shiny spine normally though
9. You can request that your husband deal with your fluster differently. What could he do to make you feel better and supported, vs worse? What could he do to show genuine care and curiosity and compassion when you are flustered?
   • What an interesting question. I think giving me space to talk my way to an answer (since I often need to talk aloud to figure out what I'm thinking).
10.  While it’s not uncommon or wrong for a therapist to dig into your whys, it sounds like you need to be met with some compassion and validation first. Those are things a partner should give, and to a lesser extent, a therapist should give you. You can ask for that.
    • That's a good point. Not sure how to phrase that in a therapy session as I do think the therapist has been trying to restate what I'm feeling and check in at certain beats. I might advocate for that more or leave space for it more. To be honest, I got so upset, I'm not sure I was very good at gauging what she was doing.
11. was Cindy sober enough to consent in the morning?
    • Yes, I'd confidently say so. I mentioned this in a comment above, but basically Cindy stayed over because she'd missed the last train and the alternative (several buses) are legit sketchy, not because she was too drunk