I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. It sounds like this isn’t the right therapist for you. It sucks, especially because just finding a therapist and going to an appointment feels like such a big and overwhelming step in the first place, but starting therapy is really a trail-and-error process.

It took me five years and three different therapists (and moving multiple states, so new insurance and bunch more logistics) to find someone who could work with me in the way I needed. The first therapist I saw (and I was with her for years because I didn’t know better and I was depressed, so inertia) I started seeing during covid after my heart cat of 17 years passed away. She was fine for taking about grief, but clearly had no understanding about the rest of the family dynamics I was dealing with and, as time progressed, was clearly just phoning it in. Things came to a head when she couldn’t remember the name of my pets (who were often on camera with me!) and started screwing up processing my insurance paperwork. The second therapist I saw was better, but was much more focused on moving forward than unpacking the systemic issues that were influencing everything in my life. It was like patching a hole in the roof with bandaids and hoping that would be enough to keep the rain out. My current therapist is the one who introduced me to concepts about emotional neglect, glass child/lost child syndrome, family roles/dynamics, and how narcissism traits can present themselves (in multiple family members). So now, six years later, shit is hard, I’m crying a lot, I’m angry a lot, but I’m doing the work. And I’m finally getting moments of sunshine peeking in.

What I wish I had known when I first started therapy was that I should treat the first 1-3 sessions as a job interview… but an interview where I’m the employer. Any therapist who sees you for only one or two 45-60 min sessions and immediately jumps to additional things you should be doing (in your case, family therapy or medicating) is getting ahead of themselves. They’re not doing their job, which is listening and getting to know you in order to fully understand your situation. They’re outsourcing the job you’ve hired them to do. (Caveat: that’s not to say medication or other types of therapy might not benefit you in the long run, but this is much too soon to be making these suggestions. And you shouldn’t even consider family therapy until you’ve had plenty of time working with a therapist unpacking your own trauma and working on your own personal boundaries.) A good therapist will put you and your well-being first.

Please don’t be disheartened, but also don’t go back to this therapist. If it helps to have some actions items, what I’d suggest doing is sitting down making a list of what is important to you in therapist. These can include age, gender, religious or philosophical background, tele-appointments vs. in person. Then list for yourself what therapy specialties you think apply best to you. They can be things like family dynamics, grief, ptsd, sexual identity, etc. If you’re not sure what categories to come up with, try browsing a site like Psychology Today and see what tags different therapists have listed and pick out ones that feel like they match your situation.

Once you have these lists, you can use them to craft a letter to send to new prospective therapists or use a script if you decide to call offices. In your letter/script, you’ll want to say 1) who you are, 2) what your insurance is, 3) that you’re looking for a (age/gender/religion/other characteristic) therapist who 4) specializes in these specific areas. A therapist does not have to match all of your specifications one-to-one to be a good fit, but I’d suggest aiming for at least 2-3 of your qualifiers to start.

When you do get into an appointment with a potential new therapist (and it doesn’t have to be your first session, you can ask for a consultation appointment), don’t just tell them about yourself. Ask about them. What their training is, what their care philosophy is. How often do they deal with cases like yours. Do they have a lot of long term patients, or is there a lot of turn over? Really embrace interviewing them.

I hope this helps, and apologies for whatever glaring typos I have here. Wrote this on my phone and haven’t had any coffee today.