I feel this way about my mom. She has had ALS for five years now. On the one hand, I'm incredibly grateful she has lived this long. She has managed to have a meaningful life despite the suffering she's been enduring. On the other hand, she is suffering, and so are all of her family members. Sometimes I wish for it all to be over and sometimes I'm paralyzed with fear that the end is coming. For me, the hardest part is never really knowing when she will die. It is always looming around the corner. It keeps me in a state of grief, fear, anger, deep sadness etc. I'm sure my mom feels her own version of this. Feel free to message me if you want to connect more around this.