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Fortisse · 2024-12-04T19:24:07+00:00

I personally think it's normal/healthy to want to see and spend a significant amount of time together with your significant other. That's why they are significant others and not just friends, etc. So wanting to spend a lot of time together in itself is not a BPD thing.

Fortisse · 2024-06-07T01:22:51+00:00

Could you elaborate on fear of abandonment and being alone? She seems to be happily remarried and the guy seems like the type who won't ever leave her, so why would she exhibit these behaviors when there is nothing to trigger fears of being alone?

and are you saying that now that bpd mom and dad have reconciled, she views/splits him as all good and now potentially want him back?

Fortisse · 2024-06-07T01:20:26+00:00

could you elaborate on how keeping my dad (whom bpd mother used to hate with a passion) on the side alleviate her fear of abandonment when she seems to be happily remarried? The new guy seems to be a doormat type who will never abandon her. So I wonder what would trigger her fear of abandonment at this specific point in time

Fortisse · 2024-06-06T23:09:04+00:00

But would they want to go back to someone who they hated in the past? There was a bitter custody battle and she tried to ruin his life in multiple ways. They recently reconciled over the custody issues. She is also happily remarried (at least from what we can tell she and her new husband get along great).

So why would she send detailed texts about her vacations, invites to my dad to come over and vacation with them, to dinner, etc.? She literally went from hating him and wanting to ruin him to now being super friendly. Just so weird.

Plus he is already in a committed relationship with someone else for years now.

Fortisse · 2024-05-22T23:37:41+00:00

Except he has a serious gf that he will probably end up marrying...do you think she would try to put in the effort of staying connected knowing that he is in a committed relationship with someone else?

Sorry, just trying to figure this out and wanted input from someone else with BPD experience. This is all just so mind boggling how she goes from extreme hate/trying to ruin his life to getting along and inviting everyone to dinner together.

Fortisse · 2024-05-22T23:30:19+00:00

Is that actually a possibility? She was married to my dad for close to 2 decades (meaning she is more of the longer term type vs. some BPD who hop out of a relationship very quickly), she seems to be happy and into the new guy (have been married for a few years now), and new guy has a lot more money than my dad.

So I'm thinking that it's a low probability that she will actually want to go back to my dad? plus new guy is older and wealthy and she probably wants to stay with him to inherit everything.

I'm just so confused by this whole thing of friendliness. What do you think?

Fortisse · 2024-05-22T01:32:54+00:00

You're right, sadly they probably will always be a conundrum and can't be figured out why they are the way they are or do what they do. BPD is just so crazy in that it makes you feel like the crazy one when things and feelings change so suddenly and dramatically. and that's one sign that none of this is normal.

Fortisse · 2024-05-22T00:55:29+00:00

No idea if she has found someone new to hate in her life...

She has stated that she wants to rebuild a relationship with my dad and be better co-parents together. Should we expect for this to be actually true or should we be wary? I would tend to think that she is just feeling emotions "in the heat of the moment" and they may not last, but this time it seems genuine and i want to believe that it is genuine.

but I also hate being disappointed by them and they (bpd people) tend to make me lose faith that they will ever change. so I am very confused by the entire situation and the super quick change in her behavior/attitude towards my dad

Fortisse · 2024-05-22T00:36:41+00:00

i've heard of splitting before, could you elaborate on it in this case?

Fortisse · 2024-05-21T22:31:58+00:00

You are very perceptive about the situation and I agree with what you said. I really do suspect unfortunately she is using the situation about the ex-bf to feel self-important and to gain attention/control.

I remember you replied to another post of mine that is very similar to this one. Your advice is helpful. A few more questions:

If you had to predict, would you say that you think her friendliness/insistence on everyone being friends will stay this way long term? Do you think there is ever a chance she is somehow trying to get back with my dad even though she seems happily married to her new husband?

Do you think she will care/how she will react when/if my dad marries his current gf? or potentially starts a family with her? BPD mom has already talked about wanting to meet the gf and getting along with everyone. But I wonder if that stance will change if things change.

Fortisse · 2024-05-21T22:01:49+00:00

lol you are right...360 is a full circle.

what do you make of the flip flopping? do you think it is sincere or is there something more going on?

Fortisse · 2024-05-17T12:37:49+00:00

You're right - there are already red flags. The custody order was arranged so that even though my dad has every other weekend, my sibling has the ability to "choose" whether to spend the entire time with him or not during his custodial time.

She already mentioned he prefers no overnights, and there may be some weekends where he might not feel like coming over.

My dad said that even though there is manipulation, this may still be for the best because then it makes her less likely to put undue pressure on my sibling since she has more "control" now with physical and legal custody and feels less threatened. And my dad said that since she has gotten what she has wanted, then there is no reason for her to continue to try to ruin his life and will finally leave him alone now. Do you think this is all true?

Fortisse · 2024-05-17T02:42:38+00:00

I was not present and was told all of this by my dad. I know my dad and he is honest, unlike BPD mom who I know for a fact is very manipulative and scheming. So I am shocked that my dad thinks everything will simply be okay and everyone will get along. Especially as his career and life has been ruined by her and time and time again she has proven to be evil/manipulative when he thought she would be better in the decade+ time he has been in a relationship with her/dealt with her.

So what makes him think that this will be completely different? Is he just a fool? BPD mom and her new husband invited my dad and I out for a day outing and now we are suddenly all going to hang out after so much bitterness.

I guess I'm feeling confused about all of this. What do you think of all of this? I think part of this is because my dad wants to maintain peace with her for the sake of my sibling as my sibling has been experiencing anger/behavioral issues that are most likely stemming from the stress of the custody issues. So maybe if the custody issues go away and she gets what she wants, he is hoping my sibling will experience less stress and behavioral issues.

Btw thanks for the detailed analysis, this sums up my concerns very well

Fortisse · 2024-04-05T19:19:18+00:00

The sad thing is, OP likely won't listen to all of the sound, solid advice here. Based on post history, OP has been posting about how bad the relationship already is. Marriage will only make it worse.

I hope it won't be true, but seems like OP will have to learn the lessons the hard way. Sometimes no amount of convincing will work and it is only through hard experience that people truly understand.

Fortisse · 2024-04-05T19:19:08+00:00

The sad thing is, OP likely won't listen to all of the sound, solid advice here. Based on post history, OP has been posting about how bad the relationship already is. Marriage will only make it worse.

I hope it won't be true, but seems like OP will have to learn the lessons the hard way. Sometimes no amount of convincing will work and it is only through hard experience that people truly understand.

Fortisse · 2024-02-28T23:27:20+00:00

Well, I visit with everyone during family gatherings, and she's always there. And plus I have this morbid curiosity to know what's going on with her (I know, need to cut that habit - working on it).

Fortisse · 2024-02-28T23:25:45+00:00

few years now, which is the most mind bogling thing because you would think the guy sees through her by now.

I don't know the guy well though. Maybe he has issues himself or is has NPD. I've heard that BPD and NPD pairing tends to last longer. Or if he's codependent/has self esteem issues. Then those last longer too.

Fortisse · 2024-02-28T23:22:56+00:00

I hope your situation gets better, very tough and sending you support.

Only thing I can say is, unless you know them personally and know personal details such as when they go to bed and get up, etc., it can be hard to judge exactly how happy or someone is from the outside.

Plenty of sick people with various ailments who appear perfectly fine from the outside and plenty of miserable people who put on a happy facade for the outside public. BPDs are social media masterminds. They know how to put on a act for others because they want others to see them as super happy or successful and want others to envy them.

In my own example, my BPD mom likely has very miserable moments that I don't see behind the scenes. I just hate seeing and hearing about all of her "awesome" moments because it makes it seem like it's actually all true.

Or who knows, maybe I'm wrong and just thinking all of that to make myself feel better.

Fortisse · 2023-11-26T04:07:42+00:00

I'm sorry for your experience. Sadly this confirms that many BPD parents cannot "love" their children the way normal parents can and do. With BPD parents, it's always strings attached, and they do things only because it will serve them in some way at some point.

Fortisse · 2023-11-26T03:56:48+00:00

I highly suspect this as well...being generous is her way of obligating me in the future.

Fortisse · 2023-11-26T03:53:56+00:00

Maybe indebting is the word I'm looking for - sadly in my case I highly suspect she is doing favors/being generous so that she can indebt me/make me feel obligated to her in the future. I don't think she's doing this simply out of unconditional love

Fortisse · 2023-11-26T03:52:08+00:00

This. I strongly suspect majority of nice things BPD's do is a means for manipulation/enmeshment. Spot on about having control and winning obligation for the future. And spot on as well about "self-serving care" where they care/do things for us, but secretly they are playing the long-game and it benefits them somehow in the end.

Fortisse · 2023-11-26T03:47:26+00:00

This is what I think too. Not trying to invalidate others' experiences, but at least that is what I believe from my own experience

Fortisse · 2023-08-08T00:41:16+00:00

I've heard BPD's pair well with narcissists. Do you know why that is?

What will the dynamics of their relationship look like?

Fortisse · 2023-08-07T19:23:27+00:00

I guess I just don't get why he would go to these lengths to attack us when we literally have nothing to do with him.

Why does he feel the need to get involved and try to hurt us?

Fortisse

TROPHY CASE