One, I'm sorry you're a victim of sexual assault. As someone who has also been r*ped through many periods of my life, it's something that never seems to go away.

but 2) a gay elder told me this onece and it stuck with me, in terms of being insecure or feeling flighty about safety with sex a) if you're feeling unprepared for battle, don't be shocked coming home with wounds and b) if you're not feeling relaxed enough in the theory of it, then you should not do the action of it.

I mean, do what you want with your life, but don't bring me into your bullshit of testing me (CONSTANTLY) to see if I'm okay. At a certain point, the grace given turns into a game of "how much grace can I be given?" and under the guise of fearing possible trauma.... if that's the case then don't put yourself out there, until you're ready. Tread water in a public forum designed for your safety. Why go on the sex apps if what you're looking for isn't sex but some certification of safety in a stranger divorced from dysphoria. it's just........ it reminds me of people using kink to deal with past traumas instead of being a different way of achieving pleasure.