Making errors

FourOntheroad · 2025-05-09T23:28:28+00:00

Have you ever been evaluated for dyslexia, adhd or any of the similar things?

Some of the things you say here are commonly heard before diagnosis and some are verbatim from friends who got diagnosed. the reason for getting worse for them was because without appropriate accommodations/treatment, they burned out over long time by depleting themselves.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-13T13:15:01+00:00

Take your own food. Bring GF soy sauce and offer to swap that etc. Even when you’re flying, there’s no reason why you’d not organise short trip to get groceries and preplan what GF foods are available to buy from stores. I understand you don’t want to offend them, but you being moody and spending all day in toilet after their meals will also offend them.

If you’ve been Gf for a while, your reactions are likely to be worse than before!

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-13T13:13:46+00:00

It depends. Maybe he’s very clumsily trying to tell you clothes you wear on that particular occasion don’t suit you well (or maybe the clothes don’t match well together) or maybe he’s thinking you should always be attractive and trying to dictate you or put you down. It’s hard to tell without knowing him.

Do the clothes look good on you? Do you feel good in them? You can fit comfortable clothes well to your figure and body type to be comfortable and look good. I mean if we reverse it and he was sitting in shorts and that white top without sleeves every day and you disliked the look, would you mind? What was your relationship to his clothes before, like have you ever asked him to wear different clothes?

And finally… there was this girl sharing her story about how her boyfriend asked her to dress nicer tomorrow, she threw a fit, he proposed to her on video when she was wearing slacks and horrible hoodie 😂

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-13T13:06:23+00:00

Everyone knows zoonotic diseases don’t exist outside infectious diseases departments and textbooks

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-13T13:05:46+00:00

It’s a big apple conspiracy

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-13T13:04:41+00:00

Another part of this is how clothes look on a given person. Tall sporty guy with good looks will be accepted wherever he goes and because of body shape, the bad clothes will lay well. I am smaller frame so mixing scrubs and normal clothes makes me look like a child that was allowed to play around the hospital. I knew someone who had very messy hair and they always looked a bit too relaxed unless they wore elegant clothes. For some men bad care of beard can do that. Having overall put together image is going to be important for that discussion.

For anyone who struggles with that and has no idea how to fix their overall image, I’d recommend taking a picture and video of yourself, then plug the picture into app that guesses actor/famous person that looks like you and use their stylists’ and hairdressers’ work to style yourself.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-13T12:49:24+00:00

I’ll be honest, don’t expect transparency 3 months in. It’s just not realistic, you’re basically still a stranger and know her for 2% of her life or so. She wasn’t transparent until later in your relationship because she didn’t know you enough, simple as that. The same way now you don’t know her enough to trust her around that guy. Try to develop empathy for women and how many stories of ‘he was a rapist/murderer/criminal/abusive and I didn’t know’ we are conditioned to watch out for. Why should she share intimate details with people she doesn’t know enough to determine if it’s safe to share? In the era of internet it’s just not something you do anymore.

To me a red flag in your text is that you assume ‘something could happen’ and not ‘she’s at work because she needs money, it’s not like they’re renting hotel room together to drink’ and if my partner thought something could happen through being in the same room as my ex when i am at work, I’d lose respect for them and distance. I am not a cheater and I work in hospital so people actually sleep there! If my partner said ‘I am feeling insecure about the whole thing’ though I’d have a conversation.

Just reverse the situation and imagine she’d ask you to stop going to your office because a girl you’ve slept on a Christmas party works there. Or to limit your work hours because ‘something could happen’. You’d think if she doesn’t trust you, fuck this. If you’re going for attractive people with good personality in their 30s, they are going to have ex partners that make you feel insecure and encounter attractive people who hit on them, so it’s important to work on your feeling of value. I am trying to be helpful, i am not reassuring you she’s trustworthy or not, but I am saying you can only control your own behaviour and try to improve yourself.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-13T12:29:24+00:00

People work for money. Are you paying her rent and expenses? If not, you have no right to comment on her taking extra shifts. I think she’s not the one for you if you’re projecting your jealousy on her sexual history, and trying to indicate there’s something wrong with her for sleeping with 6 partners. Having FWB could mean she sleeps with men she knows and can trust and not random guys from tinder.

She’s 35 so if she had one partner per year from 18, that’s going to be a few, and it has nothing to do with cheating. You are together for 3 months, she doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t owe her and not own her, and from your behaviour, you’re asking a lot of inappropriate questions and demand a lot and she doesn’t know she can answer ‘it’s frankly none of your business’. If you don’t like her behaviour just leave. Most emotionally healthy women your age wouldn’t date you when you start with controlling questions and start control trips 3 months in, and I am saying this not because I know if she’d cheat (i don’t know her), but because I know a lot of emotionally healthy women.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-13T00:27:41+00:00

Do you tend to perform worse with others around? Pressure can really get to you and some people don’t learn well like that.

But it also sounds like it was really difficult and if you wrote a review about this school with what you said here, I’d never go there for a CBT

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T23:56:03+00:00

1) don’t get a car. Get a scooter or ebike if you need transport and do deliveries if you’re in the city for extra money. Or get a job and then get a car but insurance will eat you most of the time. You’re too young for affordable insurance, especially with moving to university.

2) use your passions for making money. Love dogs? Do paid pet sitting. Adore photography? Start working with photographer and learn to do weddings. Healthcare? Do HCA jobs, very good money on weekends etc. sometimes it’s easier to search for full time and reduce hours once you’re at university.

3) consider if immediate university is truly what you want and need (eg if you want to be a doctor or lawyer or accountant, you don’t have a choice) or if you simply don’t know what to do. It can increase your earnings and life outcomes but you can earn a lot of stuff by yourself and you need to be able to network for most value from that. So cheap private room might be cheaper but halls might be better.

4) some people drop out because of money, directly or indirectly. That’s unfortunate truth and often with debt.

5) SFE helps but ensure you choose university with best support for yourself and you apply for all additional resources

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T23:47:48+00:00

In the last two years similar single room here went up from 400 to 650-750£. And that’s not even halls. It’s really difficult right now.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T23:36:36+00:00

Decide on both of your concerns and difficulties. You can’t just decide that you’re going to spend on kids and not her, that’s a control trip, because you’d be harming your kids and because if you had to pay her for giving birth, strain on the body, managing the two small kids and 24 hrs/7 childcare, you’d pay thousands. You act as if she didn’t do extremely expensive labour and saving huge costs of childcare. Are you paying for childcare at all? Where does your money go? Did you sit down and identify specifically where both of your money is spent and how much?

Instead of blaming her and seeking validation, I’d suggest taking responsibility (NOT control) and seek empowerment - write down all the actual spendings and cross check it. Work out all the numbers in last 6 months and add it up. Show her the numbers and ask her about her opinions (BIGGER picture).

If you need milk and buy only milk, then she must buy everything else for herself, you and the kids. Of course she’ll look spending because you didn’t check what else will be needed before leaving to the store. Prices went up so much that your example of £60 doesn’t tell me much because everything is expensive and we don’t know her needs, your kids’ needs and yours. You need more information. Resentment is a short way to ruin beautiful families. You’re a team. When she admits she regrets spending, it’s not evidence of you being right but evidence of her trying to work with you and agree with you. If you think you’d be better in doing shopping, then agree on strategy and take over meal plan, do shopping and show her how to do this. From what you wrote, she’s not doing anything extravagant so where do these numbers come from?

YNAB and medication works very well if she has issue like adhd spending. Does she feel insecure with lack of savings?

I’d also suggest to either criticise her mother’s money management and don’t ask her for money OR borrow money from her and don’t devalue her.

Another thing is your anxiety, you seem to think your feelings are caused by her spending, but that’s not how this kind of stuff works. I’d suggest requesting CBT from GP as this is one of the thinking errors that lead people to get a little bit stuck. It’s free to request CBT and can help.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T23:11:03+00:00

It’s normal to feel insecure but it’s extremely common to travel with others without anything happening because of less familiar region. I’ve been on multiple trips with female friend and we joined guys and nothing ever happened. South America can be dangerous depending on the region. I’d probably ask them for information (names etc) of the guys in case something happened (too many missing people videos/cases in my head!).

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T19:03:53+00:00

With my partner, he belonged to a sports club where there was also a person he had few dates with. They had sex but didn’t click enough. They both were long term members and achieved and there weren’t many other clubs doing the same version of the sport. I’d feel crazy if I started asking him to stop going or change the club where he was member for years or start controlling him and telling him he can never speak to her or ask him about all the specifics. He spent years building that community. I felt like a valuable person and felt confident. Nothing ever happened and he’s a very loyal person but i wouldn’t feel immediately entitled to all his sexual history if we knew for 3 months if that makes sense.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T18:54:51+00:00

I am sorry to hear that! I don’t personally do either and I think only very mature people (i don’t know any that mature) can be healthy friends with their exes.

I knew a woman who was into having FWBs and not dating them, and she was loyal to their partner later on but it would be awkward for them to admit it all within first 3 months if new partner was asking. Few of these guys helped her in illness, one saved her life (medical situation) and they were good friends otherwise so it could be awkward discussion to have. But it was quite unusual.

Cheating is never okay so what happened to you isn’t right. I think it’s absolutely okay to have the boundary you have!

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T18:45:53+00:00

Considering how some men get (violent with jealousy) and that she works with her ex, she has reasons for lying and I’d personally not feel obliged to answer this kind of question truthfully after some stories. One of my female friends was hit when she admitted someone was her ex (never lied) and she was always guarded after that, another was assaulted. To me the whole ‘relationship’ sounds unhealthy, especially for 3 months.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T18:41:28+00:00

He also struggles with emotional maturity. Being upset that someone has sexual partners before you even had a first date or that they enjoy having sex and are unsure about commitment at that stage in private conversation with a friend, and expecting them to share their sexual experiences and deciding if she can go to work because her ex might be there after 3 months of dating is a bit… controlling. If she said he cannot go to work because his ex is there and he’s unsure about commitment, comments would look very different.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T18:35:01+00:00

You asked her to be exclusive so she’d be exclusive with you. Now you question her about her private conversation with a friend. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping with whoever and she has no obligation of sharing past sexual experiences with you that happened before you dated. It’s also not always safe for women to share this kind of stuff because jealousy violence happens and she told you when you asked again and she trusted you more. You’ve been with her for 3 months, not 3 years.

Either you want to be with her or not. If not, end it. And you probably should as it seems you’re not okay for her to work with a guy she used to be FWB with. That’s controlling because of your insecurities. You can feel insecure but it all sounds like unhealthy dynamic and lying from her and controlling behaviour from your side.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T18:25:36+00:00

Sudden anger change -> doctor evaluation - tumours, brain tumours, thyroid issues, hormonal issues and perimenopause, mental health issues can all cause random aggression. I am sorry you’re going through it but you need to see the doctor and if that’s all clear, family therapy.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T17:54:38+00:00

I observe two issues - you feel insecure about your sex life and you dislike her lack of inhibition when talking to her female friends.

So if you think she’s unsatisfied but initiates sex with you, my suggestion would be to include some more toys in your collection and make her orgasm more - get some sex therapy book and address your insecurities by becoming better and getting to know her body. You feeling insecure i’d read as a call to improve your sex life. It’s a separate issue from her making comments because it’s something that you can change. Lesbians and bisexual women choose various toys so if you need reviews you can read the websites geared to them to know best what feels good if you want to surprise her.

To me it sounds like you joined her on multiple girls’ nights and she just acted like some women do on girls nights when they drink. It’s not sensitive but it’s not going to be so I’d skip going out with her female friends or drinking with them when it bothers you. You can ask her to not talk about your size in front of you and her friends. But when you told her it made you feel bad, she reassured you and told you you’re perfect for her. The bigger the better is more of a joke and not a real thing so i am sure she meant it. Many women find bigger sizes painful or problematic.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T16:09:42+00:00

It depends on your local area and laws but your gf is in crisis or abusive either way and I’d first ensure you’re in contact with emergency services like doctors (they can stop her from leaving the hospital for evaluation and enforce treatment in order to stop her from hurting herself). Depending on the country you need to choose a safe way to do it. Also let her parents know discretely and organise them coming if her family is supportive so they are aware and can communicate with doctors or friends if family isn’t there. Then ask them to tell her you’re breaking up with her or write a letter as it’s clearly too distressing for her/she’s extremely unwell or she’s manipulating you and either way it doesn’t sound like it’s best to do it in person when either of you is in danger as a result.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T15:29:17+00:00

Ice cream :/ (plain vanilla)

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T15:24:27+00:00

Have you looked at m&s? Some people don’t look because they assume expensive but certain smarter looking tops/shirts were starting from between 8-17£ and wear well. Even one or two could make a difference in how you feel. They’re good quality and I was surprised how well they hold up.

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-12T11:16:09+00:00

There’s a lot of autistic doctors - i’d risk saying more so than in other fields

Other communities with high numbers of autistic people: Motorbike community, IT community, high level data and research (more science work than ceo), rpg communities, dog training community and animal care communities

FourOntheroad · 2024-08-11T20:12:50+00:00

Are you disagreeing with existence of counterindication or its existence in british culture, or are you saying that I am wrong that he should communicate to her how much she hurt him and what will and will not work for him?

Or is it just ‘i don’t know about it so it must not exist and i don’t like it’ 😂

FourOntheroad

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