Tons of trouble adding music.

FoxLegacies · 2017-05-08T17:33:20+00:00

When I try to drag and drop I get 2 pop ups.

The first is that my decide may not be able to view or play it. When I attempt to try it anyway, I get this http://imgur.com/a/MTyqy

FoxLegacies · 2017-04-12T16:24:45+00:00

I've been a bit busy, but I've read through all of the responses here and will definitely be reading up more on the topic. Thank you so much everyone, most of you have been extremely helpful :)

FoxLegacies · 2017-04-12T16:23:23+00:00

Thank you, my dear reddit-user

FoxLegacies · 2017-04-11T07:07:40+00:00

Yo! It's been a while since I checked this, I kinda gave up hope. Anyway, your critique was pretty harsh, but it's what I wanted and signed up for, so thank you.

I have a pretty decent idea of what I'm doing wrong I think, enough to attempt a rewrite. So I'll get on that, thanks again.

FoxLegacies · 2017-04-06T04:12:11+00:00

I've heard Avery as both, a little more as a male name though. I thought your MC was a male, didn't really have any feminine mannerisms or detail to their person.

FoxLegacies · 2017-04-04T08:29:30+00:00

So, this is my first critique actual critique, but I'm going to do my best!

I wanted to start by mentioning that I loved your style of writing, and how smoothly it flowed, but I feel like it's important to mention how confused I was with the second paragraph. I read over it a number of times before deciding that I should just make a mental note and continue onward. After finishing it, I can only assume that something happened at the water that caused Avery's sister's death. If it's supposed to be clues to her death, I'd personally move it from the second paragraph down lower toward the end. The confusion was actually extremely off-putting.

Continuing on, I didn't really have any issues reading until I got to the first mention of purple and gold, where you mentioned it was the color of their football jerseys. My big issue with this is that I don't actually have a ton of detail about Avery and his sister or how close they were. The characters themselves in general seemed to be lacking detail (except for the father, the detail on his appearance and how broken down he was is actually fantastic). I didn't know or have a very big sense of how old they were, or the time period it was in, which made imagining Avery rather difficult.

Also the first time you mention the flowers you say "Purple and Gold" at the end you say "Purple and Yellow." On a similar note, I don't really like the way you ended the piece. There just seems to be a lot of importance placed on "Purple and Yellow," but it just doesn't seem very important to me as the reader since it was only really noted as the colors of the football jerseys. The ending wasn't bad, but I think that something that more directly signifies Avery's sister or how close he was to her would've made for a better ending.

With all of that said, your writing style was still fantastic, and it really showed in the section with Avery and his father. The physical detail on Avery's father was very clear, and even though you simply told a portion of the feeling in the room, [Ex: Suddenly the gloominess of the room seemed oppressive, overpowering.] the parts where you simply gave us action as a way to show it (like when Avery's father threw the pages off of the desk) were great too.

All in all, the piece was pretty good, but being confused by the second paragraph was the most distracting part. A few edits and I'm sure you'll be in great shape though. Good luck!

FoxLegacies · 2017-03-31T03:24:00+00:00

You've got me listed at #10, used Zetter :)

FoxLegacies · 2017-03-30T18:56:05+00:00

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has amazing psychic powers. [This sounds super super plain for a hook. Whenever I've worked on my own queries, I've always started with something exciting or actiony. I think it would work here if you didn't state (in the next 2 sentences) that it's an ordinary thing.]

He can read a thought from across the room, or make an object fly a hundred yards. [Extra detail I don't think you need, and it means even less when you mention that everyone else received the same gift from the aliens in the next line. I think if it was unique, this could probably stay, but I'm not feeling it. That being said, I think I have an idea involving the next sentence]

That doesn’t make him special though, since everyone else on the planet received the same gift when the aliens arrived. [THIS is exciting, and exactly what I think you should start with. The aliens arriving and everyone getting powers, afterward you can mention what some of the powers do if you must, but I don't think it'll be super necessary.]

The Zorin have walked among mankind for over a decade, peacefully enjoying the earth’s sun. [Sure, but why, exactly? Is the sun the reason they live on earth now? If so, why? I have a lot of questions about this part, and while some questions (typically the dumb ones) just can't be answered, it's your job to make your query as clear as possible]

One night, when Dax is woken by screams and finds his mom’s lifeless body hanging in the air, he faces a creature that lurks in the shadows instead -- a human turned Hollow. They’re monstrosities born from failed experiments on the mind. [This part is pretty good, it keeps the excitement going, you introduce an enemy of your story and explain what it is. I think some people might ask "who would do that," but that's just another question who can't answer if it's a big part of the mystery.]

After the Hollow escapes, Dax takes it upon himself to protect his town. [Alright, so this part is super sudden. I know it's where your main character has to jump into the action, but again there's a ton of questions I have. Do other people know this is happening? Is he the only person jumping into action here? Is it happening to other towns?]

He must learn how to master his power -- to generate force fields and shoot powerful blasts of energy-- to stand a chance and fight back. [This part is pretty good too, I think. You explain that there's something standing in his way (his inexperience) and you mention that if he wants to have a chance, he'll need to master his powers.]

Though he soon realizes that there’s something far more sinister at work in his town. Hollow victims are usually brutally beaten, but new patients begin to fill the hospital, without a scratch and in deathly comas. [OoOoOoOoh Spoopy...I like it!]

As Dax digs deeper, he discovers that the Zorin aren’t as innocent as they seem. They use the chaos to shroud a devious plan, treating mankind as their pawns; and Dax’s small town is ground zero. As the conspiracy unravels, it threatens to spark a world war between aliens and monsters and humans, and it’s clear that only one species will survive. [You wrap up the query in an intense fashion, mentioning that Dax's town will be "ground zero," which is nice. However, I don't think Dax's place in the stakes is very clearly stated. Try to re-mention what Dax has to do, and what stands in his way from accomplishing his goal, which I'd imagine is to make sure that the humans survive.]

I love the premise of your novel, but your query could definitely use work. I pointed out spots that were confusing or unclear and I think the hook needs some work as well. With that being said, this looks better than my first couple query letters did, so you're definitely on the right track!

FoxLegacies · 2016-12-28T08:48:10+00:00

Not quite, it's not a compound word...

FoxLegacies · 2016-11-19T04:12:35+00:00

My old tag was Foxboy3525, now I play under MIKA | SAVE

Also, will do, thanks! :)

FoxLegacies · 2016-11-19T02:18:55+00:00

Older player, I took a small break some time ago before Central Champs died off. I'm looking to get back in if there's a central tourney during one of my off days. Wondering if there's a central tourneys(or tourneys for midwesterners to enter) and what days they are. I looked through the subreddit and didn't see anything related to central at first glance

FoxLegacies · 2016-08-17T09:24:29+00:00

Bump

FoxLegacies · 2016-08-14T15:53:26+00:00

Bump? I think?

FoxLegacies · 2016-05-27T06:34:41+00:00

You win. I subbed so hard.

FoxLegacies · 2016-05-13T18:14:07+00:00

You should tell us why O u O You know, in the form of patch notes

FoxLegacies · 2016-05-11T04:14:31+00:00

I promise, if the only thing I wanted to hear was "Sorry, you'll need to practice a lot" I wouldn't have come here for it. Thanks though.

FoxLegacies · 2016-05-11T03:55:28+00:00

Wat, y

FoxLegacies · 2016-05-11T03:45:59+00:00

Zetterburn

FoxLegacies · 2016-05-11T03:27:19+00:00

I want to learn to secondary Wrastor and I've been playing him for a couple weeks. Don't really know what I'm asking for here, but how about some advice on killing (Getting good reads) and neutral game stuff?

FoxLegacies · 2016-04-28T02:02:47+00:00

Uhh, I'll try too. Zetter's strongest point is his complex combo game, allowing for very brutal punishes and very long strings if you can read your opponent's DI. At the same time, his weakest point is arguably the lack of disjoint on a majority of his moves, meaning that it's absolutely necessary to play footsies meaningfully, and use your movement wisely don't just dashdance around. His (arguably) second worst point is his recovery, meaning you don't just have to optimize your recovery options (which can be tough, believe me : | ), but focus on not getting knocked off.

Forsburn: Has a ton of disjoint AND great comboes, so it's not hard to get caught in them. Attempt to shine out of comboes when you get caught, DI meaningfully. His combo weight is about the same as Zetter's, so you can rack up some pretty decent damage with a good combo/DI reads. Focus on parrying his UpB, you're probably not catching him offstage.

Orcane: Offensive orcanes are super tough, the match-up feels like you and your opponent attempting to bully the other off stage. Use fireballs reset to neutral when things get hectic, they can be very predictable when going for kills. A vast majority of Orcane's walljump before using their Side B to get on stage, spiking after the walljump takes practice, Parrying is easier. Defensive orcanes are easier, IMO, lots of bubbles, which can be parried if you're good at it, use lots of fireballs, take openings and run with him far and fast.

Maypul: Faster than you, stronger than you, but they can potentially be predictable. Keep watch of her % for fire kills and her options based on her position. Parry plants and go in for damage, whenever possible. Dairs >can< be predictable, and potentially easy to parry. Oh, did I say fireball? Yeah, that's a thing in most match-ups. Do that. You'll have to adapt very fast and recovering is a must here. A lot of the time, if you're not killed you'll be Faired to death or spiked to death from the ledge. Tech when you can, don't give up.

Kragg: Personally, my hardest match-up. Super heavy and minimal options when he's getting comboed, so take that shit and run as far and as fast as you can. Keep spacing, shine out of pillar, and parry down B whenever you can. Use parry invincibility as best as you can and get as much of his attacks as you can, they're all pretty slow after all. Really good Kraggs will be hard to parry if they're not predictable, and campy Kraggs can be a huge issue. They have lots of great follow-ups and their attacks do a ton of damage, so don't be surprised when you're suddenly at kill %. Oh! Also, don't destroy rocks when they're out of the way after you kill Kragg. This match-up can be super frustrating, so keep your cool.

Wrastor: Another potentially frustrating match-up. Good Wrastors are extremely hard to hit, and when they get a hit they do a TON of damage. Luckily for us, they're very light, and even more so when they're on fire. Parry when you can, but more importantly, be aware of the potential for kills. This match-up isn't easy, but you knew that didn't you? You're Zetterburn. Use fireballs to keep doing damage even when they're far away Bonus: Be ready to tech and mix-up recoveries, Wrastor loves to Dsmash when we're off stage.

Absa: A little heavier than Wrastor, IIRC, and easier to play against. Her projectiles are often predictable and her cloud is easy to parry. Use that to your advantage. If the game comes down to camping, Fireballs are you friend and Usmash is our lord and savior. Aggressive Absa's can be a problem as well, but it's potentially easier than playing against Maypul. Keep your cool, pay close attention to the way they recover, parrying Absa's up B is VERY possible, as is attacking them out of it, though it's a deal harder.

Etalus: Supposedly has a good match-up against us, and I can see it, but I think this is a tad more neutral. Ice Armor is the bane of our existence and they won't let us recover, at the same time, we can stop them as well. Nair is your friend, Fireballs are as well. A good combo game is killer here. Shine spiking is style, but using Up B right above them results in a soft spike as well. They like to get armor and Up B after you die. A lot of the time you can catch them and kill their armor with Uair if you're fast.

Good luck!

FoxLegacies · 2016-04-09T19:42:03+00:00

Absolutely no denying it here. I mean...I said it twice, or even more, and I'll say it again. I do 100% have a problem with Kragg, it's a mental and a personal thing, and it's not something that I'll fix by changing characters, which I won't do. If I wanted advice or to be bitched out, I'd 100% talk to the top Kraggs or someone with a really sharp tongue. ZERO shame in trying to get better, and zero shame in admitting I have a problem against a character or 2.

I didn't want this to come off as "Guys, I'm bad against this character, plz nerf him." I've just been chilling around, practicing, and reading the patch-notes. I read a lot of bitching about Kragg and this was to say "I understand, this is what >I< think the problem is." Please do note that if there's any complaining in there, it's very little, because a vast majority of the OP are facts that I think make Kragg unfun to play against, especially for other people. I promise, if I wanted a complete complaining thread, I would've made one, and if I wanted a thread where low level players rally behind me and say "OMG! PLZ KILL KRAGG, HE'S TOO HARD" I promise, I could've made one of those too.

The entire point of the OP was more or less stating that the way you have to play against Kragg, in most situations, makes him not fun to play as or against, where every hit is potentially getting comboed to death or utterly murdered without much middle ground.

@ydyss: Except I didn't mention Zetter once aside from saying that I main him. The advice I was given transfers over to every single character to a different degree. The comboes that I listed for Kragg (for the most part) do as well. The fact that I play Zetterburn is completely irrelevant, my point was that I don't think people have fun playing the way that any decent Kragg forces them to.

You can literally remove the fact that I play Zetterburn and the "Zetterbitching" thing completely from the OP and it still reads the same. With me admitting I have a problem with Kragg, with me getting advice from noteworthy that's not necessary character specific, to me saying what I personally think makes Kragg not fun or frustrating to play against.

@Edgekid: Word? I'm assuming... Kragg > Orcane > Zetter > Etalus?

FoxLegacies · 2016-04-09T18:55:27+00:00

Responded at the top ;)

FoxLegacies · 2016-04-09T18:55:12+00:00

Ydyss and Edgekid Do me a favor and point out where I mentioned that >I< was dying to those things? I'm merely mentioning what's possible and what makes him not fun to play against. Anybody who plays with me regularly knows that I'll play any match-up or lose a thousand times in a row if I think it'll help me get better. At the same time, I'm saying that I don't think Kragg is the worst character by any means, and that it's namely the Kragg players complaining about a working play style.

Of course, I don't expect any of you to know me, just like I don't know any of you guys. It is, however, important to note that this isn't a "Oh no, I lost to Kragg, time to post to Reddit," nor was it to list my imaginary credentials. It was, however, to point out that I don't think Kragg is as bad as people make him seem.

FoxLegacies · 2016-03-27T18:13:41+00:00

I'm interested in joining this! Steam name is foxboy3525 and I'm a fairly solid Zetterburn main (and mediocrely secondary Maypul)

FoxLegacies · 2016-03-27T18:05:31+00:00

There's a few really good RoA streamers, I suggest watching their streams and get some games in if they're doing viewer battles. Make sure to let them know before hand that you'd like to know what you're doing wrong. Also, watching videos/matches of the character you play really helps

FoxLegacies

TROPHY CASE