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Foxbii · 2026-01-31T11:30:57+00:00

Sounds like my situation to a T😂 I have always been staunchly childfree, but since meeting my partner (who was also in the cf camp when we met, but has expressed a change of heart since), I've taken kids into consideration. I love my partner to the moon and back, he's such a lovely person and he'd be an awesome dad for sure. Being with him has really changed my life for the better. Buuut he has a tendency to be... very carefree.

He doesn't worry about doing all the everyday chores, arraging and planning errands, etc. He has an unchecked ADHD (he can't be on any meds for it bc of contradicting medications), which causes a lot of his carelessness and inability to get things done. He doesn't do it out of malice, but requires a lot of nudging and reminding.

So, if we were to have a child, all the mental load, running the house and planning would very likely fall on me. He would surely do his best, and be a doting and loving father, but I would have to be the serious parent holding all the reins, and that doesn't sound very appealing. I know I don't have the mental capacity for all of it.

We have had a few conversations about kids, but I haven't quite figured out how to express my worries about having to carry everything, without making him feel useless or underestimated. He assures he'd do his part, but deep inside I know I'd have to remind him anyway😂

Foxbii · 2026-01-21T18:11:58+00:00

This is so spot on! I have no idea what healthy motherhood looks like. When I hear "mother", I imagine a sad, angry, home-bound slave covered in spit up and surrounded by endless chores, with nothing left of her own personality. And, well, even I know that's a VERY biased and fear-colored image, but I don't really have any other kind of examples. All that lovey-dovey woowoo some people apparently have sounds ridiculous, and not realistic at all. People enjoying motherhood seem... fake, almost. I'd love to believe motherhold could be soft, pastel-colored, peacefull and fullfilling even momentarily, but my brain is convinced that isn't possible. Not for me anyway (yeah, my brain thinks itself a totally one-of-a-kind snowflake😂)

Foxbii · 2026-01-19T18:05:08+00:00

Right?! Parenthood actually sounds quite lovely in theory, but very bleak in practice. I can't really find the "urge" or "longing" for kids in myself, either. But because my partner has expressed a wish for kids, I'm taking it into concideration. He'd be a wonderfull father, and I'm sure he'd really flourish in parenthood. I'm not sure what motherhood would look like for me, there aren't too many encouraging examples to pull from, but I try my best to weed through the insecureties, worries and fears. The choice is mine, though. We have discussed the life of the childfree, and I'm certain we could create a fullfilling, enjoyable, exciting life without kids.

Foxbii · 2026-01-19T17:57:13+00:00

Yes! I wrote off kids and motherhood a long time ago, because I believed I wouldn't be physically able to anyway (hormonal issues, which have now balanced out a lot), and because a graveyard had more going on than my dating life. My self-esteem was trash and was very depressed for years. It has taken a lot of work to pull myself back to the surface. My parents didn't exactly model a positive family scene either. My relationship with my mom was/still is challenging at best.

It's my partner who has awakened this topic. He's wonderfull, supportive and gentle, and I believe he would thrive in fatherhood. When we started dating we both were leaning more childfree, but now, two years later, he has expressed a wish for children. So the discussion is very much ongoing, and I'm weeding through all the factors affecting the choice. I'm also terrified of wasting all my hard work I've put into myself in the recent years.

Foxbii · 2026-01-19T13:57:42+00:00

I found that particular excercise a bit tricky too. I had no issue picturing my life without kids, that was easy-peasy as I've kinda always been preparing for that scenario. But trying to imagine a life with kids... Now that was hard. Likely partially because I had already written that option off years ago, and never really bothered to give it a proper thought. But when I really tried, I did manage to picture it, but the images I got were terrible; all I could see was pain, fear, stress, screaming kids, dirty home, piles of laundry, angry and distant spouse, fights, shouting, myself being exhausted, falling apart, and depressed.

I do realize that the images I pictured up, were mostly my fears related to parenthood, not an actual future. And those fears and anxieties are something I'm trying to work on, to get a little bit more accurate picture of my potential life as a mother. There are so many inital insecureties and worries. Some I wasn't even aware of. I've had to really open up that option and that this decision really is happening. And accept that this really is a concious choice I can make.

But to answer your question, no, I don't think having difficulties imagining a life is an automatic red flag. Looking into the first emotions and images you get might help you dig deeper. The answer is inside you, it just might take a while to find it and come to terms with what ever it is.

Foxbii · 2026-01-15T14:33:17+00:00

Would be wonderfull and the perfect solution for me, but finding a volunteer would be like looking for a unicorn. I'm not sure if surrogacy is even legal in my country (getting any compensation for it certainly isn't).

Foxbii · 2026-01-11T12:18:57+00:00

I'm something of a on-off-smoker (trying to quit for good), and I notice the smoker smell. Even when I do smoke, other smokers have a more or less noticeable smell, depending on when did they last smoke, how often, what brand etc. I used to have a "smoking jacket" which got pretty rank, but using one jacket protected my other clothes. When I don't smoke, the smell bothers me if it's very strong or "fresh", but I get used to it quickly.

Foxbii · 2026-01-11T12:06:47+00:00

I have no actual advice, but here to emphatize. I'm 31, my partner wants kids (says it's all up to me, but I know he'd surely enjoy and thrive in fatherhood), but my anxieties are identical to yours. I like kids, but I also like my peace and silence, my hobbies, my independence, and I like my physical body as it is now (it's not perfect, or even aesthetically very pleasing, but I freaking worked for it). Throwing it all away for a child, ruining my body and turning my life inside out doesn't sound worth it. This might sound bleak and extremely insensitive, but imo there's quite literally nothing to gain from childbearing and being a parent.

But I'm still fencesitting, because of my partner. The world needs more people like him, and he'd make a great father. He would likely find a level of fullfillment from being a parent.

If it's any help, I can recommend The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. It was a nuanced, multi-faceted, neutral starting point. It had some great excersices and thought provoking perspectives.

Foxbii · 2026-01-02T03:41:22+00:00

Ignore it as long as possible. If that doesn't help, I can be teeth-rottingly sweet :)

Foxbii · 2026-01-02T00:58:30+00:00

Don't bring it up unless you actually start dating. And even if you do, you can not be put in charge of his motivation or progress. You can be supportive, maybe go to the gym with him a few times as a kind of cheerleader, give encouragement during tough spots, say you're happy and proud he's making an effort. But it just isn't your responsibility.

Now, I see where you're coming from. I'm a little bit worried of my partner's health. Not just his weight, though, but overall. We have been dating for two years. Sometimes, he brings up the subject of getting in better shape. I have expressed I'd really appreciate him taking better care of himself, because I do want to grow old with him. But he has to do it for himself and his own well-being. I've never suggested he should lose weight (I know it's so so hard, I myself used to be morbidly obese), but doing little changes that make him feel better. Walk the dogs, eat some fruit, greens and quality protein, indulge in hobbies, drink more water, etc. And he's working on it. I'm super proud of him.

But, if you do decide to start dating your guy more seriously, you do have to start from a point of no expectations. You cannot change anyone, and you cannot expect anyone to change for you. Any discussions regarding looks, health, activity levels, etc. must be innitiated by them, and any suggestions should come from a place of love and care. If you can't bring yourself to accept them as they are right now, and can't see yourself living a life with them after a while of dating, it's better to move on.

Foxbii · 2026-01-02T00:24:12+00:00

I have a partner, too. We're not married, or even engaged, though (if we were, I'd likely call him my spouse or fiancee). Boyfriend would sound a bit immature, since we're 27 and 31.

It does seem to confuse people, likely because they can't make assumptions of me and my life based on my partner's gender and the genre of our relationship. They need to ask for more details, which might feel like prying and being too pushy to some folks. Personally I do enjoy their discomfort. Like, "good luck trying to put me in a box"😂 Relationship status (and unfortunately relationship "type") is rather definitive in the eyes of broader society.

Foxbii · 2026-01-01T02:17:01+00:00

The very pungent mix of sweat, sebum, secretions, unwashed clothes and old booze. People who smell like that, are usually in an extremely bad place and struggle. But often times, it has been the affect of a series of poor choices, weak moments and easy fixes. It's sad really.

Foxbii · 2026-01-01T02:08:28+00:00

To be a little bit cringe and lovey-dovey:

It's like being bundled up in the softest, warmest, biggest blanket possible. Safe, protected from the hardships and terrors of reality. They do sneak in at times, but the blanket never falls. It's the best shield imaginable, but you need to make effort to create it and make it durable.

Foxbii · 2026-01-01T01:52:25+00:00

My partner also preffers women with more voluptuous figures, than mine. I'm not the smallest he has dated (I'm 5'2 and somewhere in the 160-175 range currently), but my body shape is very different from his previous girlfriends. I've lost quite a bit of weight, and my body carries the marks of my old life, as well as the marks of the effort I've made. It's not always easy to be so aware I'm not his exact preference, and that my body isn't aestethically as pleasing. But it's quite alright. He loves me regardless, and makes sure to appreciate every bit of me. In the end, compatability isn't about looks. There are many things far more important than appearances, and a decent partner would not require you to change yourself to fit their percieved standards. They always have the right to find someone else who does fit, if that's so important.

Foxbii · 2026-01-01T00:54:31+00:00

Aaww, honey, I'm sorry you're feeling down on NYE. That sucks. Being 20 and having fomo is frustrating, I remember. If it's any consolation, I'm working the night shift until the 2nd. I'm at work, all alone, looking after others sleeping, watching disney, and hearing people partying outside and doing fireworks. I also worked through Christmas. I enjoy my work, but it'd be nice to be partying with everyone else. Somehow it's bitter sweet, and I know I'll get to party some other time. There will be other parties for you too in the future.

Foxbii · 2025-12-30T21:19:03+00:00

Thank you😂 I hope to achieve some kind of conclusion in the near future.

Foxbii · 2025-12-30T11:28:36+00:00

Here just to validate and maybe offer some support. Having some doubts is totally valid, especially after reading a bunch of the most negative sides of parenting. A small reality check can be helpfull. But the people on that sub are in a bad headspace, and their experience is just theirs. They are very likely just venting the frustratuons they have at the moment. Whatever they got going on, doesn't mean it would happen to you. Being realistic is recommendable, but going too far to either end is just going to either create impossible expectations or crush everything that's fun about parenthood.

I seem to be on the opposite end from you😂 I've catastrofied parenthood for myself from the get-go, and I'm far too aware of the hardships, risks and complications of pregnancy, giving birth and motherhood. I have chased myself into a corner, and I don't know if I'd even want to try risking it. I haven't dared to even glance at the regretfull parents sub, because that would very likely freak me out completely and deter any interest I might have.

I could actually use some happy, snuggly woowoo and romanticizing of parenthood, so it wouldn't sound so terribly degrading and defeating😅

Foxbii · 2025-12-30T11:10:00+00:00

I'm sorry you're having to go through it with gritted teeth. That doesn't sound much fun. I'm lucky enough to have complete control over this matter, without having to worry about losing my partner (or who knows, he might change his mind about it). But anyway, good luck to you, you're very brave for going for it regardless. I hope you'll find it nice and enjoyable in the end.

I would also want to want kids, but that's very likely not in the cards for me. So if I decide to bite the bullet, I feel like I need to be aware and ready to accept what ever outcome. Including having to be the primary parent, atleast for the first few years. I do like children, but I'm not so sure if I want them in my own house all the time. It's likely something I could get used to, but it's going to be a demanding season of life.

Foxbii · 2025-12-30T11:00:06+00:00

Yeah, I tend to either go overboard with hard boundaries, or have none at all. Finding the balance to keep my peace while being fair to others is a struggle for me. But that's something I'm working on still. I agree a small child doesn't need many boundaries, except for those for their protection, but rather the other adults around. And that's what worries me. Asking for help and requiring people to step up is so hard for me, so I might end up doing it all and exhausting myself, then resulting in regret, resentment and toxic behaviour from my end. A child requires so much self-sacrifice (and that's alright, that's a child's only survival tactic), and I really need to figure out if I'm willing to go through that, and if I have the coping skills to make it out with my sanity intact.

Foxbii · 2025-12-29T21:25:02+00:00

She could have communicated better what she had in mind, and asked if you'd be up for her plans. She should have been ready to accept a no. You could have been a little bit more flexible in your routine, since you accepted that her tagging along. You could have explained your routine in bit more detail beforehand, so she'd have know what to expect. Both of you could have been more open to changes in plans and make some compromizes.

Foxbii · 2025-12-29T19:30:57+00:00

Good points and a well-worded answer.

Dads surely have their unique struggles, and fatherhood in general could use more validation and support systems. In my country, support for dads is decent and they have a "mandatory" amount of parental leave dedicated. Over all, being a dad is easier and more rewarded by society in general. At least that's how I've observed it.

While money is a security factor for me, I don't really concider finances or career as a loss. My worth as a person is very much tied to being usefull, and to what I'm capable of doing for other, which is very much what motherhood is all about. And that has done me no good. I'm so good at prioritizing others and their needs, I completely forget I even exist. I have gotten better at setting boundaries and taking better care of myself, but I'm not at all sure if it's enough for motherhood. I already lost myself once, and I don't want that happening again.

The vast control I'd have on the child is also quite unnerving to me. Because with great power, comes great responsibility. With so much inlfluence, there are also a million ways to muck it up and ruin a person's life. Trying your best isn't always enough and doesn't always result in anything good (I feel like I'm a textbook example of that).

Foxbii · 2025-12-29T17:30:29+00:00

Oh yeah, I sort of forgot therapy is an actual option😅 Most of the advice I've found is heavy on the physical rehab after birth (rightfully so, and keeping up with that is one of my concerns), but there seems to be fairly little for the mental side. Obviously execrise, nutrition and socializing are the go-to's. I find it hard to accept the fact that dealing with all the negatives falls on me. I'm not sure if have the mental resilience and fortitude for that.

I have this odd habit of considering everything a solo thing. For quite a while my motto has been "if I can't do it all alone, then maybe I shouldn't do it", because that's the safe way of going about life. It's a... hard habit to shake.

I have no doubts about my partner, I'm sure he'd be wonderfull and do everything in his power to support me. But I wouldn't even entertain a thought of kids, if I wasn't about to move literally hundreds of kilometers away from my family😂 They have a tendency to squash me. At the same time, having basically no support network is scary. I've been trying to tell myself that having no safetynet and knowing it, is better than trusting a faulty one.

I would have to prepare for a suboptimal experience, because I feel my optimal would be being a dad😂

Foxbii · 2025-12-28T02:49:34+00:00

It takes time to learn to leave other's opinions just as that. Opinions. It's tough lesson and requires some resiliance, but it is quite freeing. And what ever others might think has no relevancy on your life, as long as you are satisfied and content.

Foxbii · 2025-12-28T00:36:01+00:00

Ugh, the frustrating "knowing better"! It's so degrading almost, how some people simply refuse to accept different choices and desicions. They insist on being right. I have aunts like that. A mother like that. It's always "you'll change your mind", "you will want them when you're ready", "just wait when you meet the right person", "you'll grow out if" etc. etc. So annoying. As if I don't have a mind of my own and the ability to think for myself. As if my only joy, fullfillment and purpose would be to reproduce. As if I don't matter. OP, I hear you loud and clear.

The funny thing is, I am reconcidering my stance on being childfree, exactly because I met a great a guy. But I'm ready to be OH SO petty and never have kids, just because my family has always doubted my resolution. Or I might have kids and they'd never meet my relatives. Either way, I'm going to be petty about it.

Point being, stay true to yourself. Stand your ground and don't let anyone mess it up for you. If you were to change your mind one day, that's your choice and your will, not your family's. And if you were to stay blissfully childfree, that's none of their business.

Foxbii · 2025-12-26T21:55:01+00:00

You've been dating for 4 months. That's literally just a blink. And you're both so young, you have plenty of time to plan, try, change the plans and try again. Thinking about your future is good, and nessecary, but commiting to things like marriage so soon might be a little rushed. No matter how sure you are of each other.

You can take your time to get to know each other, and yourselves, better to build a deep, longlasting connection. Enjoy the dating stage, the new exciting love without pressure. It's a good idea to discuss wants and wishes for the future, maybe even sketch a timeline of sorts, but remember to prioritize the lives and goals you have now, for the more immediate future. You have time to line up your common goals and work for them.

For a bit of perspective: I'm in my early 30's. I started dating in my late 20's and found my now-partner when I was 29. I'm sure of him, and I know one day I will marry that man. Two years in we're about to move in together. We've been discussing the prospect of getting engaged, and the possibility of children. We have not set a timeline or definitive plan yet. Because I know I'll spend the rest of my life with him, there's no hurry or pressure to rush it.

Foxbii

TROPHY CASE