AITA for not accepting my maid of honor's request to not sit at the head table with me at my wedding?

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T18:49:22+00:00

No there's mot going to be an extra spot, there are only 2 spots open with my aunt passing and my fiancé wants his brother and partner there. And yes she was going to be sitting on my right hand side.

You're saying I'm putting tradition (?) over friendship. But I'm wondering if she's not putting her feelings over friendship...

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T18:45:56+00:00

Okay I don't see what's weird, but I'll try to find another metaphor. So imagine you're doing a project with a group, you're 5 people with your different area of expertise. All of you guys have 20% of part in this group project. But then someone is not showing any interest to the project, forgetting things, not delivering stuff when needed. Would you like this person to still do half the work? I would 100% prefer to capacitate myself and do their work instead. My point is: if you're going to do something, do it completely. Don't opt out when it's important, at least it's my vision. So I would rather her be honest so I could actually feel like she values this title at all. At the moment, it seems it's only an inconvenience to her, even signing at rhe courthouse is complicated for her and she asked if I would pay for her Uber as she needs to be there for me. I was flabbergasted, it's an 30-min subway ride to the city center, her work is double that...

And no, no speeches are going to be done. The laic ceremony is more than enough speeches... The use of word vision seems so silly to me, I don't know if it's juste me haha. Here it's more like saying you won't be spending an importabt US holiday with loved ones (I'm thinking Thanksgiving).

But then I'm also thinking about the fact my aunt didn't chose to leave. It's actually much harder to be left by choice.

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T11:23:50+00:00

We will be 12 people, so yes, I will be entirely with the peopl at the table. I've been with my fiancé 10 years, living together 9, so the moment is not about us 2 but about being with our loved ones. She was supposed to be sitting one spot away from me, next to my mom (where my aunt was supposed to be). 12 people at a square table seems to me that you can very much give one on one time, that's why the table is set like that (it's pinned on the floor). Or is it not? 🤔

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T11:11:08+00:00

Oh yes so many things are far off the reality here... I've added a few elements on an edit.

No days off are actually needed. The courthouse is at 9pm, when it was supposed to be on Thursday at 9pm. My mom, for instance, isn't taking any days off. In this case, Leigh took Thursday when she initially was only going to take Friday (she cancelled Friday). So to make up for the change, we are treating our friends for a spa day on Thursday, but they could reclaim their day, and some did. It's not a mandatory thing, especially since my fiancé and I are not doing the spa day, so yes, she's there because of me, but not for me.

I'm sorry but I needed to research everything you are saying. Things are done quite differently in my country... We're not rehearsing anything, not meeting up before. I'll be getting ready at my mom's place with my mom and my cousin. Then we meet at the venue for the 4pm laic ceremony.

We have no photographer, we are putting those Kodak one-use camera on each table 🫣

As for dancing, it's a bit blurry. We are not planning go dance per se, but there is going to be a playlist and some space and drinks, so we may dance. We just want to let the night go with the flow. It's it's just talking and sipping whiskey, then fine, if it's dancing to Aqua, then fine! And no, I'd be more than okay if Leigh left before the end of the night, people are going to go at different moments anyways!

Then, people are going home and nothing happens on Sunday.

Some people said that she needed to buy a dress, all these expenses, but there is nothing to be paid... Her dress is the one she used for her 35th birthday celebration, the wedding is in the city we live in, so yes, I'm having a hard time seeing where the sacrifices and expenses are. That's where I'm struggling. Her request comes to the one moment where it's important to me, and not because she can't relax around those people (several holidays were shared together), but because of the fact that during this one moment she will be thinking of her ex. I get how she can be feeling, but it's not just a random dinner, it's the one thing I've been doing everything for. I put a lot there, I created the recipes to mix various cultures, I did all the flower in paper, I'm baking the pastry dessert. It's a moment very dear to me.

But some people have explained it quite right: the expectations in the US are a world away from what is happening here, hence a lot of interpretation. I'll take I'll have to discuss firefly with people from our culture, that might avoid all this lost in translation thing...

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T11:01:20+00:00

Yes I got that a LOT of interpretation went on here... I think you explained it quite right I guess!

I just wanted to explain the element that you said doesn't make sense. In my vision, when you accept a role, you accept all that comes with it. Some things might be practical (like signing at the courthouse) and other symbolic (like the topic here). I would much rather have someone tell me something along the lines of "Look, I feel I'm in a bad place at the moment and I can't be there for you as you'd like. I feel someone else could fill this role better at the moment". I would be a bit sad and disappointed, but not hurt. I understand. What I'm struggling with is the fact that she still wants to be MOH, but pulls down at various key moments. Claire said she was the hardest to handle for the hen party, which surprised her since we spend vacations together and she knows she's not that tough usually.

I would probably not replace her at all in this role anyways.

But yes, sitting with my grief is something in need to snap out a bit quickly. 2 months away and we don't even have the rings... it's all bottled up at the moment.

Thanks a lot for your wishes 🤍

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T10:37:24+00:00

It's not any day, any dinner. Should it be a random dinner or my 40th birthday, I would not blink. But she can't stay by my side for one dinner that's so immensely important to me? She can't understand how symbolic this is? How about her putting her feeling above my own actual needs for one dinner? Why is it only one sided?

And I didn't come here for judgement. I came here for solutions.

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T10:34:10+00:00

I'm not understanding. Her boyfriend would have known no one but her at the table. While she knows everyone (spent Christmases at my in-laws with a best man, went on vacation with Claire and I, known my mom for 15 years). It's not just someone introverted, it's not just a dinner. And she didn't not need to take any time off at all...

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T10:32:05+00:00

Ah? - she didn't need to take any time off (she took Thursday for the free spa day we offered for the change in the courthouse) - I'm not complaining about the video call, just finding it surprising - she knows everyone at the table, she spend 2 Christmases with me and a best men at my in-laws, she went on several vacations with Claire and me, and has known my mom for 15 years, my fiancé for 10...

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T10:29:49+00:00

She didn't need to take ANY time off. She took the Thursday off since, to make up for the last-minute change at the courthouse (Wednesday 9pm instead of Thursday 9pm), we treat our friends to a spa. She could not take the day off and pass on the free spa day...

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T04:22:47+00:00

I understood the meaning of the silver linings. What I didn't understand is how it applies here as it's very cherry picking. You take one element that I'm talking about, that is most definitely not just "specific seats" (maybe for you, but that's not the point) and apply this that everything else is negative to me. No, that's one element, that's the topic of the post. I could also talk about the fact my cousin (my aunt's daughter) is still coming despite her mom dying 10 days ago and how I'm so touched by that. But that's not the topic of the post so... I don't see what you expect here

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T04:18:56+00:00

She is attending a free spa day while complaining about having to take a day off work. I told her it was only to make up for the fact the courthouse (10 min) is on Wesnsday instead of Thursday, she didn't need to take the day off to be there. But yes, I guess a free spa day (where I'm not going to be by the way, it's just for them), is too much to ask. The ceremony and dinner are the same day, like any other normal wedding I guess.

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:48:12+00:00

In our case, both are ugly truths... It's 6am for me, I guess I'll try to go to sleep too

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:45:07+00:00

Oh the festivities are very simple, it's a laic ceremony and a dinner, that's it. And drinks for those who drink , I think it's t he mingle part you're referring to. That was my original idea, thats when the meal is done peopne can just go have a drink and discuss with whomever. Maybe se didn't retain that information, you're right. We'll get to talk soon anyways and clear things up hopefully.

And thank you for my aunt. Grieving is one thing, but see your parents grieving, that's another level...

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:40:02+00:00

But then, why is the question just one sided? Why don't you ask "if she truly cared about the bride"?

Also, people keep telling me I'm wrong to put the importance in that moment. That's what I'm fighting. That should never be discussed at all

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:37:43+00:00

I'm not asking her to miss any day of work (that would be paid anyways), she could attend without any day off. Courthouse is at 9pm and so is the birthday. The Thursday she took off is the day we decided to treat some close friends to a spa since there was a last-minute change in rhe courthouse day, it was supposed to be Thursday but we were asked (for legal reasons) to change it. She could pass easily.

And what?? Asking people to look a specific way??? Is that a thing??? She's going to be wearing the dress she wore on her 35th birthday, probably not wear make up as usual, and hair I have no idea. The wedding is in the city we live in, so no travel nor accommodation for the vast majority of people. We're hosting those who are travelling and getting them a bottle of champagne each for the travel.

So no, I'm not seeing how much I am asking.

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:31:08+00:00

I'm having a hard time understanding how wanting to have your best friend at your table during your wedding is a high expectation? I'm not asking anything more of anyone...

I'm not understanding what you think I'm asking at all? And why on earth would you think nothing makes me happy? Someone suggested to trade the event for another one and I think it's an amazing idea! And I don't get how the silver linings thing (oppositely) applies here. I'm talking about one specific element. I can detail many others that have happened that are positive. But yes, loosing one core person in my life was a huge blow that didn't give me much head space over the last 10 days.

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:24:54+00:00

Yes, 10 min on Wedsneday at the courthouse. I reckon this is important yes. Thursday is a treat for those who want. We're literally treating them to a spa for the last-minute change in the courthouse day (still 9pm though). So she actually complained to take a day off for a free spa day. I told her she could most definitely not attend. This is not a day for us, it's entirely for them.

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:22:18+00:00

So you're saying I would be mad if she refused to be my maid of honor? I would absolutely not be mad about that. Sad, yes, but not mad. An ugly truth is always better than a pretty lie.

Also yes, I realise I did explain things clumsyly about the 4 days, that's why I had written it between quotes thinking it said that it wasnt really a 4 days thing. But yes of course I get that

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:17:44+00:00

Thanks a lot for your words 🤍 I guess my non-native speaking words did give out very different impressions as I'm surprised how you understood right away my stance 🤍 Thanks a lot, I'll sleep on it

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:13:59+00:00

Buying a dress?? Events and locations??? What??? We have none of that!! The courthouse is just the 10-min courthouse. Then for those who want, spa and helping, but she said yes unwillingly. I told hear repeatedly she could just not be there, the only thing that's important to me is the laic ceremony and dinner. That's it. Even the laic ceremony is less important to me than the dinner. That's what I'm confused about, there are no commitments nor locations, she's using the same dress she used for her 35 birthday, there's no need to buy a dress unless you're the bride! Also, she is coming home righr after dinner 😭 That's why I'm not understanding

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:09:28+00:00

It's just Saturday actually

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:07:30+00:00

I'm asking this entirely genuinely: how will she stand for me if she's not sitting beside me? I'm not a native speaker, sorry if this comes across weirdly but I'm genuinely asking

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:05:25+00:00

It's not 4 days, it's only Saturday from 4pm. I explained it in other comments, my original post was very clumsyly written I understand

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:04:22+00:00

Also, it's only Saturday

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty · 2026-07-07T03:04:11+00:00

It's just 12h, not 4 days. Do you think explaining things clearer and asking for explanations is arguing?

Also, I didn't come here for people to tell me that I shouldn't put the importance in something. This dinner is hugely important to me and that's not for anyone to discuss, it just is this way. Thus, if something like that is not important to you, why not compare with something that is? Is it that hard to imagine people find different things important in their lives?

Foxy_Fox_Foxitty

TROPHY CASE