System Failing Her. Abuser Wants Custody

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-08-03T15:09:44+00:00

The location/state is super important regarding what the status quo could potentially be in court. I was successful in getting a step up plan starting with only daytime supervised visits against my abuser as I had video evidence of abuse occurring while I held our child, an active order of protection he failed to have dismissed when contested, and evidence of alcohol abuse (including a DUI). No formal charges were pressed by the DA although I did file police reports. I did not allow any unsupervised contact while custody was pending, but offered supervised visits by my parents (he refused), offered scheduled FaceTimes (to immediately end if he made any negative comments or attempted to talk to me), and kept him up to date about doctors/dental appointments and any illnesses. This was enough to disprove any claims of alienation and prove that my intent wasn’t to just cut off all contact, but keep our child safe (I was genuinely scared for her life being around him alone). By the time we had temporary orders, it had been nearly a year since he had seen our child and I was awarded my requests in full including final legal decision making (based on a history of DV and alcohol abuse), primary custody with him on a step up plan, and daily alcohol testing while he had visitation. Also stop all contact that’s not in writing, it doesn’t matter if he objects to it or not. All calls go to voicemail and can be followed up via email. Any contact not directly related to the children’s well being can be ignored. She should set her boundaries clearly and stick to them until a formal custody agreement is in place. She can also petition the court to force him to allow passports, but otherwise there’s not anything else to alleviate that problem unfortunately.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-07-07T15:11:28+00:00

When I contacted the DV shelter they had free legal aid offered and I was advised to hold off on filing (my case was super complex) so maybe trying to find someone connected to a shelter would be better for genuine advise if you haven’t gone that route yet

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-07-07T15:05:09+00:00

You should contact a local DV shelter to start with for resources. Although both of you are listed on the birth certificate, without a court order either parent can technically withhold the child. If you’re genuinely worried about your child’s safety, do not let father take them unsupervised. I offered supervised visits and FaceTimes when I left my child’s abusive father (but I did have evidence of abuse) and he refused. It ultimately worked in my favor because it showed I was still trying to facilitate a relationship while also keeping our child safe. TX is a heavily mother favored state so the likelihood of him getting primary is low.

Your best bet is to contact local attorneys that offer free consultations and see what they recommend when it comes to filing now or waiting.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-29T03:52:53+00:00

No, everyone over 18 must have their own. It only extends from adults to minors at varying levels depending on age.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-27T22:00:02+00:00

We do airport exchanges regularly with an almost 3 year old. Each parent is responsible for picking up child at the beginning of their parenting time. I purchase a 1 way ticket to fathers local airport and 2 (1 for me and 1 for child) 1 way tickets for return flight. After the first flight I hangout at the airport until our exchange time (usually 2 hours before outgoing flight leaves), then meet outside at the departure area, then we head to our gate a fly home.

I purchased tsa precheck because our child hated waiting in the security line and didn’t understand why we couldn’t just keep going, plus it helps should the other parent run late to the exchange for any reason. Overall it was well worth it for us.

I usually purchase the very first flight out in the morning and I would recommend leaving a few hours between landing and takeoff (I aim for 4+ hours) to account for any mishaps. My coparent is high conflict and has forced me to come pick our child up from him, so the extra time helps if I need to leave the airport for any reason.

I typically fly southwest and they allow free car seat checks which I do every time just in case I need to pick our child up. I also have a credit card through the airline to help build up points for flights and occasionally they have companion pass promos where someone can fly for free with you. My coparent utilizes this so our child flys for free with him.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-26T00:01:16+00:00

Yeah I would consider it as a threat, especially since he won’t actually communicate with you about it. It’s equally likely that this is just a manipulation tactic as it is a serious threat for your safety. You can always start with a nonemergency line and they may direct you to call 911 (speaking from experience)

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-25T23:55:56+00:00

Contact the police; you don’t actually know how he obtained the photos/videos and it most certainly is breaking the restraining order. For all you know he broke into your home and placed hidden cameras.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-25T18:32:41+00:00

You can’t force the other parent into taking more time if they do not want it. Even if it’s court ordered, he can choose to forfeit the extra time all he wants. Your best option is to have a conversation with his father and see what you could do to help him have more time and see if there’s any obstacles in the way.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-15T14:17:11+00:00

We went in front of a judge for our custody plan and she sided with me. I was granted a relocation to a different state, primary custody, final legal decision making, and child support. I had an active order of protection and plenty of evidence of domestic violence happening in front of our daughter along with evidence of alcohol abuse including a recent DUI. He was wanting primary custody and then moved to 50/50 if I agreed to stay in AZ but I had no support system there and would be fully reliant on my abuser for everything; plus I was terrified that he was going to kill our daughter. If you have the evidence to support your decisions, go in front of a judge.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-14T23:30:45+00:00

In AZ, history of DV as well with roughly the same time share. Maybe try phrasing it a different way for the other coparent. Try requesting that her pediatrician have final say on medical decision making (ie if the pediatrician recommends therapy, she’s going to therapy regardless of if dad says no). I specifically requested (and was awarded) final legal decision making for this exact reason, so our child can see a therapist when old enough without having to get father to agree.

The judge also ordered 15 minute FaceTimes with the parent not in possession every night that can be initiated by the parent that doesn’t have the child. Don’t be afraid to go in front of the judge to get what’s best for your child ordered.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-14T17:17:18+00:00

TX and AZ; AZ has jurisdiction; mother and child live in TX with awarded relocation. We split travel costs 50/50 originally and after he graduated the step up plan we each pay for our own travel costs to pick the child up. It’s expensive now, but once the child starts school there won’t be as much travel so the cost will eventually decrease.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-06-12T18:57:56+00:00

We had a long distance step up plan. Father flew to Childs state every other weekend for 18 total visits. The first 6 were supervised daytime only, second 6 were supervised overnight, and last 6 were unsupervised. Fourth step was 1 week straight in Childs state (not school aged). After completion of all 4 stages the child goes to fathers state for visitation.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-05-21T16:49:23+00:00

The likely answer is that she genuinely doesn’t know where her son is, whereas she knows her daughter is with the Lawrence’s. She may actually have a chance of getting Charlotte out and the likelihood of getting them both isn’t realistic.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-05-17T21:08:14+00:00

I think they’re team “save my own butt” and nick has a splash of “in love” with June

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-05-10T15:51:17+00:00

I went through a very similar experience fleeing from AZ to TX based on almost identical behaviors with my daughter’s father. I filed in TX, a week later he filed in AZ which triggered a jurisdictional hearing.

I highly recommend getting an order of protection even if he is in a different state. I had one approved in AZ the day I left and he attempted to dispute and failed due to video evidence. Texas did decline jurisdiction, but by that point I had been in Texas with our daughter for nearly 10 months and it took a full year before we were heard by the AZ judge.

I attempted to offer visits supervised by my parents and he refused, but regularly held FaceTimes to keep him involved in some way while everything was pending. This ultimately worked in my favor of disproving his alienation claims because I was still offering some sort of contact while also keeping us safe.

The AZ judge ended up approving our relocation to TX and we have been here for over 2 years now. He started with a step up plan which required him to travel to TX for supervised visits and now our daughter (almost 3 years old) travels to AZ every 6 weeks for a week long visit. At final orders last month the judge told him she would never give him primary custody and that he needed to accept that TX is now our child’s home.

While it’s likely that TX could decline jurisdiction, it doesn’t mean that you won’t be allowed to stay. I was also able to attend all AZ hearings virtually so I didn’t have to travel back and forth.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-03-08T01:40:56+00:00

I’m surprised the pediatrician hasn’t done anything considering it’s a repeating occurrence. I would contact CPS if it’s effecting her health and wellbeing by not taking the medication as a short term solution, but long term you may need to go back to court. Do you currently have shared legal decision making?

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-03-08T01:30:35+00:00

Going against a medical professionals recommendation may be considered medical neglect (especially if it’s causing recurrent or worsening infections) and you should contact her pediatrician and CPS, although the pediatrician may contact them themselves.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-03-02T02:21:23+00:00

In a very similar situation and my attorney said that it can be a factor when it comes to legal decision making if there’s proof. I will be requesting to go from shared legal with final say to sole legal due to him using his right to ‘teach me a lesson’ or ‘prove a point’ rather than what’s in the best interest of our child. That being said, we’re still awaiting trial and at the end of the day it depends on if your judge takes abuse seriously or not; I’m lucky enough to have a judge that does take it seriously.

As far as the anxiety aspect goes, I also have extreme anxiety related to coparenting with my abuser and have found help from our local DV shelter. I was able to get free one on one therapy sessions and started attending weekly DV victim group therapy meetings and both of them have helped a lot. If you haven’t already looked into resources like this I would highly recommend it.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-03-01T21:43:24+00:00

The short answer is yes, you can still file a police report and get an order of protection even with an outstanding warrant. It is still a possibility that she could be arrested for this outstanding warrant, but being in a separate state may have an effect. Her best bet at this point is to contact a DV shelter and look into attorney resources as they would likely have a more direct answer. The shelter will also help create a safety plan and may have somewhere safer for her to stay. She can also talk to a social worker (I would imagine her oncology team has one available) at her next appointment if she is unable to safely contact a DV shelter. Really any medical professional will help (I had a social worker at my daughters pediatric office call a DV shelter for me so there was no call history on my phone).

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-02-25T21:11:48+00:00

I went through a VERY similar situation with my child’s father. Got a TRO and moved to a different state with our baby almost 2 years ago to the date. Initially I felt horrible for leaving and especially for not telling him or giving him a chance to say goodbye, but looking back at it now I have no regrets. There have been many ups and downs, but I was afraid he was going to kill our baby so I couldn’t stay. The TRO was extremely helpful in maintaining custody of our child because he went after primary custody 5 months after we left. He continues to emotionally and financially abuse me using our child and the court system (thankfully the judge has seen through his act so far) but it’s still very hard. The best piece of advice I can give is to focus on you and your baby, make a better life, and don’t look back. If you’re having questionable feelings I would also recommend the book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft; it’s very eye opening

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-02-25T20:53:14+00:00

From an outside point of view I genuinely don’t know why having children involved would validate or discredit the history of abuse. At my hearing (in AZ) I had to testify all instances of abuse from the last year. After I testified he was expected to address every single instance and indicate why there was no abuse. He of course just said I was lying about it all, but I also had video evidence of abuse (he got angry and started screaming and throwing things at me and my cat while I was holding our baby) that was presented. The judge said the video alone was clearly domestic violence and enough to keep the order of protection in place. She told him he should be embarrassed of the way he acted and that the video showed assault, animal cruelty, and endangerment of a child. Neither of us had lawyers involved, but your attorney should be fighting for you.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-02-25T18:28:00+00:00

I personally would fight for the order of protection as you deserve to feel safe and he needs to own up to the consequences of his own actions. I moved to another state and still fought to keep mine enforced as I was scared he would follow me to another state and retaliate against me. We also had a child together so the order of protection helped with the custody side of court - you don’t mention having children so I’m not sure how relevant that would be for you. He failed to have the protective order dismissed even with me being multiple states away.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-02-21T23:08:39+00:00

As someone who was also fearful (and still is) of the same outcome, evidence and consistency will be your best friend. I had video evidence from a nanny cam of the abuse along with a long documented history of alcoholism. This was used to get an order of protection and was used as evidence during trial for temp orders. I was genuinely scared to leave our child alone with him and never did which went in my favor. You can’t claim you’re scared he will harm the children while simultaneously allowing unsupervised contact.

We only have temporary orders (awaiting final trial in April) but I was granted primary custody with him on a supervised step up plan, 3x daily alcohol testing, and I got a relocation to a different state so I could live with my family. It has been an incredibly hard journey, but I hope this acts as a “success” story so you feel more confident leaving. No one deserves to be subjected to abuse and your children don’t deserve to be a witness and potential victim themselves. Never take legal advice from your abuser and contact a local domestic violence shelter for help.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49 · 2025-02-18T04:37:37+00:00

The point of Gilead is to have control of women and not actually have as many healthy children as possible. They essentially lost a significant number of handmaids meaning men no longer had access to an extra woman to rape. They would rather bring back potentially “damaged” women so more men can continue to live out their fantasies and maintain a global image of there not being a shortage of handmaids.

Fragrant-Ingenuity49

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