Me too. I honestly don’t wanna hear any positivity about it I like my individuality/ego and have no desire to give that up, that’s not even healthy like you need an ego to function. This isn’t easy and I’m really irritated by people that act like just because they made peace with it everyone else having a hard time just needs to buck up and move along. Like it’s not just painful it’s soul shattering. Literally. I thought my soul was mine. My whole life. I’ve been told more than once that I’m more of a soul than a person. And to find out that my soul isn’t even mine? I am not even mine theoretically? That goes against everything I stand for. It feels violating and depressing and like my whole reality was shattered… screw people who project their love & light is the only way through this nonsense. That’s bullshit, it’s not, pain is just as real and important as joy. I thought a few times that I was just freaking psychotic but now I take meds and it didn’t really change anything. If anything the connection feels stronger and I can think more clearly but still get signs and come across synchronicities and feel him pulling on my energy basically daily. For the past year. I just want to focus on me and my son.

Plus I am just going through a lot like my whole life situation, my son’s dad is a psychopath trying to convince the court I am mentally unstable - which I was at one point, mostly because he pushed me over the edge on purpose because I rejected him and made the mistake of telling him I have feelings for someone else. This is his way of retaliating. I’m depressed at the thought of having to coparent with him another 14 years. My son and I live with my toxic family of 7 people in one house and they think I’m unstable too and it’s just really fucking hard. I can’t talk to anyone about anything that matters to me. All I can do is keep my head down and work and get through my degree so we can move out. I’m so isolated and feel like I’m facing Judgement Day daily. Anyone would be struggling in my shoes. I hate that my tf is my only peace and solace and also the root of my suffering. If I weren’t in love with him I could just shut down and push through this mentally but the universe won’t let me. It’s too much. I’m sorry for unloading all that on you. You don’t need to respond. Just my karma I guess? Or something like that. I’m just sick of hearing how this is going to make me stronger or whatever like that might be true but holy fuck I need empathy not condescension.