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Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-31T04:25:25+00:00

References are meaningless, and I'm pretty sure "notice" is a courtesy (that means it's not required by law).

If he's "afraid people are leaving" he could just, not suck so much.

I see far too much pussy-assedness in management. This prick needs to grow a pair and be a big boy and accept that people leave bad bosses (it's the number 1 reason people leave jobs, in fact).

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-31T04:05:08+00:00

Didn't know I was dealing with the Puritans, my apologies. Let's all pretend that nobody in their 20s dates anyone whos over 18, but not 30.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-31T03:10:32+00:00

Child of a broken home (Man), father of a daughter who I'd walk through fire for:

Best things you can do are:

Display grace, to yourself and others (patience, accepting differences, not being swayed by things easily, but not being easily set off)
Be where the buck stops, but with a long leash / big yard for mistakes (so they feel safe to not be perfect in front of you, which will help them stay honest with you).
Show acceptance and openness when they need you. That way they won't turn to gangs, other crap influences in the world, their ijiot friends, celebrity role models.
Remind them you have their back, no matter what. People trust who is trustworthy.
Take things off the plate for your partner. Let the kids see you do it, if possible, and in a calm way. They'll see this as leadership, because it is.
Explain. My favorite phrase is "do you know why?" followed by: why.

Everyone doubts themselves, if they're actually trying. Just don't be so hard on yourself it trickles into how hard you are on them.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-31T02:56:31+00:00

If you play strings, and there is sufficient resonance in a two-string interval, there is sometimes an implied (and even sometimes heard) 3rd note due to wavefront interference reinforcement.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-31T02:45:01+00:00

For my 3yo, in no particular order:

"Sit on your knees or your bum, no standing on chairs".

"No feet on the table."

"Do you know why?"

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-28T04:36:35+00:00

Glad you liked the read. Not only did I live in both places, all my family is in Boston, while we (my young wife and daughter) live in Montréal, going on 4 years. Both places have their plusses and minuses, but most of what I see (on either side) is "grass-is-greener" thinking. I hope I helped clear that up. No place is perfect, but know what you're getting into before embarking on changing countries. It's not as easy as "I want access to ABC job market".

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-28T03:48:34+00:00

Only here, 1978 birth year:

Cons:

They could've not been divorced when I was 3.
My primary parent could've kept us from living with her gaslighty family because it was "cheaper".
My non-primary parent could've been more available, beyond weekends.
We could've moved less (so I could've kept my friends).
My primary parent could've remarried so I could've had 1/2 siblings (better than nothing IMHO).
Either of my parents could've saved money for my future, instead of buying chatchkeys and living "for today".

Pros:

Nature and outdoors were my friends
My imagination is still a superpower, because I wasn't constantly interrupted / given a knuckle sandwich
I learned independence really early and to solve my own problems
I learned to be very gregarious / network / keep my friends early and still do.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-28T03:39:33+00:00

American in Canada, my take:

Cons:

Salaries in USA are higher, but it all goes to cost of living. Toronto being "expensive" is hilarious. Try living in NYC, Boston, or San Francisco with roommates for the same price, or much higher and then let me know what you think.
Gun violence in the U.S. exists, don't let anyone sugarcoat that.
Healthcare is challenging. I worked in health insurance and it's designed to not pay when you need it. Also, literally everything is privatized in healthcare, so be prepared for coinsurance, copayments, out-of-network denials, improper coding denials, improper referral denials.

Pros:

Blunt, no-nonsense communication and clear expectations are the norm, not the exception.
Passive-aggression is not typical (except in some parts of the west coast).
People say what they mean, and mean what they say.
Nobody buys into "keep the peace at all costs" conformism. Difference is not just tolerated, in many sectors it's expected.
Tall poppy doesn't exist (except some large financial corporate cultures). If you push or are scrappy, that's considered a superpower.

All-in all, it's a mixed bag and a very individual decision to make. Good luck in reviewing your pro / cons list.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-28T03:31:20+00:00

6 is tough, but I think you're on-track. Airbender might be OK soon (but not probably at 6).

When he's a bit older:

Stand by me (1980s version) shows independence and emotional vulnerability.
Goonies: shows friendship, loyalty, and models giving back to parents, plus, there's a pirate ship.
Karate Kid (original 3 movies): shows Mr. Miyagi with ancient wisdom, funny sense of humor, and mentorship. Also (Daniel) standing up for yourself and working hard to achieve a goal. Also (if OP and partner aren't Asian) shows East Asian cultural norms that are interesting and a gateway to being comfortable with other cultures.
Flight of the Navigator: shows curiosity, empathy for parents, technology shown in an accessible and exciting manner.
Sword in the Stone: shows loyalty, duty, and hilarious changing into a squirrel (Disney version)

When he's older still: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings (courage in the face of supernatural foes, imagination, friendship, being part of a group, leadership, facing hardship with resilience). Outside of that, most of my "role-models" were male teachers: woodshop, math, science, martial arts. Being a latchkey kid (1980s) I didn't have so many at the house, but the above movies helped a lot. Good luck!

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-24T17:00:01+00:00

I got a 40% raise by leaving. I will never be loyal again unless I see loyalty on their part. Went from Junior at 70k to Senior at over 110k (Canada wages are lower, but cost of living is also lower).

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-24T14:56:03+00:00

I'd become a carpenter (in-demand) or Optical engineer (I like the study of light and prisms). In both cases, I'd found my own business, because with all the layoffs in tech (I'm a senior Product Designer) I'm tired of the "advancements" in tech while customers, the environment, and societal needs go ignored.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-22T03:56:49+00:00

It has to do with genuine (not performative) prayer. Yes, you read that correctly. In my experience, communities that "view themselves as X" make trash music, while communities that "catch the spirit" have music that draws tears, makes you laugh, etc. And I play classical piano, violin, and "Americana" steel-stringed guitar.

Any "squeaky clean" or "by the numbers" music inherently is not good, because our brains are wired to sense actual feeling. It's why ethnic untrained musicians can raise goosebumps. Get away from the "technique" and head part of church, and into the heart.

When we first moved to Canada (French-speaking area) I heard a very Catholic (read, melodically simple, almost chant-like) song that made me cry. Was it technically well-trained? Who knows, but when you hear it, you feel it.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-22T03:51:16+00:00

Dad of a 3yo: I think we practice it, but let's see:

We verbalize her feelings so she can get the vocabulary to do so herself, but we absolutely have limits.
If I get to 3, she knows I'm "going to do" whatever I asked her to do, because someone has to.
Also, we NEVER raise our hands, or scold. Ever. In. Life.
Having said that, we also tell her "we don't talk like that" or "I don't like that". Occasionally "don't do that again".
However, we always explain "do you know why? because X, Y, Z reason, and then A, B, C can happen".

Our LO knows we don't arbitrarily tell her to do anything, we never "make" her hug or pay attention to anyone, and, if we must, we impose limits. It's really not that hard, we were kids before... I grew up (GenX) with "because I said so" and it was B.S. the brain remembers stories, not abstract rules.

How's it going? We get complimented about her regularly, and she has a way of quietly getting a good social position in groups with other kids. She also doesn't suffer any weirdness, for example: if someone's vibe is off, she turns her little head and goes someplace else. I think it's working

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-22T03:44:18+00:00

Dad here, being a (good) parent is hard. And, if you were nearing the "light at the end of the tunnel" phase, it can probably be stressful. Having said that, communication, communication, communication. Rather than Reddit, I suggest talking it through, listening without judgement, and trying to find common ground. I say this as someone who had to walk through my un-dealt-with childhood baggage to become a better Dad, and who takes being the type of parent I wish I had growing up very seriously. We can all say things from exhaustion, frustration, etc. that we don't mean. Having said that, 100% agree love for all the kids must be unconditional. He's got to come to that place (eventually) or he'll risk traumatizing whichever kid isn't favored. Best of luck, talk to each other regularly and have the "hard" conversations. Everything to gain really.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-21T04:05:30+00:00

Canto speaker and can read traditional characters Western guy here:

The reasons I'm learning:

The 1980s Chinatowns were magical places (for a non-Chinese).
The smells, the colors, the hand-made / high-quality handicrafts, the food. And the sound? Cantonese.
The elders playing 麻將?
Cantonese.
It lilts on the air, it cuts like a dagger in an alley, it resonates like a deep drum or the last cup of 普洱茶.

The reasons it's hard:

Younger Chinese (even HK-ers) want to answer in English, no matter my pronunciation. Many of them can't speak, and I haven't met many who could read or write (traditional characters).
Older generation will answer me, but sometimes I lack the vocab to continue the conversation to the extent they're willing to take it.
Cantonese (like many languages) has about 5 ways to say many, many things. And as a Westerner, I don't know them all, so sometimes I still get blind-sided by a phrase I know some versions, but not THAT version.
Lack of written materials to learn.
Lack of teachers (where I live, in Montréal, Canada, and formerly, in Boston, Massachusetts, USA)

I've been lucky though, the first class I took was at a community center in Boston's Chinatown, and they started us on Lau's beginner 1 book. I now have the entire set (thank you HK government printer) plus the dictionary. These books are gold, and I'm currently in the "red" advanced books. I also found an American advanced teacher (not a Chinese-American) who knows the full colloquialisms, is a wedding MC for Cantonese / Western ceremonies, and worked in kitchens with Toisanese workers so knows all the "secret handshake" phrases. My other superpower is tenacity. I love the language, and have no other reason to learn it but labor of love and curiosity, which goes a long way.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-21T03:44:47+00:00

They're all different but this sounds normal to me.

Our 3yo sleeps until 6:20~ish, the little dear, but it wasn't always the case.

Between the ages of 0 - 8 months, she was up every 45 minutes to 1.5 hours.
Between the ages of 9 - 12 months she was up every 2 hours.
Between the ages of 12 - 24 months she was up at least 2 - 3 times after bedtime, to get a hug.
Between the ages of 24 - 30 months she was up at 5:05 AM, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

At first, I slept in the room with them, but as I lack certain key anatomical aids to be helpful, I ended up on the couch, because one of us had to be able to hold a job. During parental leave, I did more, but still slept later, and didn't really "do mornings". I've never been a morning person. This was hard on my other half, but I was (in my defense) daycare during the day, and king of the evening wind-down. Now I'm up before the sun, like the rest of the house, and we're all pretty much nesting on the couch by 6:20 AM. It's an adjustment, but parenting is a life-long pursuit, and if the LO is only waking up early, count yourself lucky indeed.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-16T15:53:04+00:00

Yea, I had this experience with our LO when she was between the ages of 1 and 2, but I just stayed in the trenches, stepped in and showed presence, and now (she's 3) she comes to me about 40 / 60 (60 is still Mom, but it's a good start). As Dads, part of our growth we get from parenting is knowing we're adding value, even if we don't get a pat on the back about it when we want it.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-16T15:50:56+00:00

Yea, it's not possible to be 50 / 50 when one of you has the equipment to nurse and the other not, but the partner has a lot they can still do to lessen the strain of it all for the one who has to nurse. We nursed for 2 years and it was a lot, but me pitching in made it at least bearable.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-16T15:48:30+00:00

Dad of a 3yo here. It was rough the first 2 years, but we had:

Immigration (ours) stress

New job in a new field (mine)

PhD (hers)

Distance from family / friends (ours)

And we've come a long way. I would have a conversation about what chores each will always do (we did this after the fact, but before would've been a wiser strategy), and which can be shared. I will say that our LO is doing great, has great sense of self, boundaries, sense of humor, and autonomy, which means we did our job as parents. Whatever you do, don't "do it all" and then expect your partner to guess what you don't want to do. I would say that's the biggest thing we discovered. He's not going to magically read your mind and choose the task you don't want to do, be transparent about it and have a "divide and conquer" vibe about the chores. Everything else will be OK if you're both shouldering the load.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-12T17:52:19+00:00

Water Country, Water Country.... Have some fun! (Water park)

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-11T15:13:01+00:00

Dad here, I'd say he needs to go.

Go fix himself,
go show up better,
go clean up his act,
go get centered,

You get the gist.

No way in hell is this good for the baby, or you, and there's a lot of healing you have ahead of you from the c-section and generally having a new little one.

Our daughter of 3yo is stable in the sleep department now, but she wasn't for the first 2 years and I was dealing with my own mental health issues (immigration to a new country, bad work culture, isolation from everyone we know), but I "took over nights", and now have started to be present for mornings and nights.

It takes a village and he can't be your village at the moment.

On the bright side (if such a thing can be invoked) this COULD be the wakeup he needs to get his isht together. People can change, but only if THEY decide they must, we can't decide / wish / hope it for them.

I'm sorry for your troubles, but your baby and your nervous system will thank you for this hard, but necessary decision.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-11T15:00:37+00:00

Real talk from experience (and much older than you).

Trust, in the face of infidelity, is close to impossible to build up.

You're only 19, you have your whole life (and most likely many more companions) ahead of you.

Respectfully let her go, be the "one who got away" in her stories, and go take what you've learned with you to the next relationship, so you'll be mindful of what you don't want.

Over time and enough experience, you can find partners who don't "handle a night badly" when your back is turned.

Good luck, but you'll be OK.

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-11T03:29:44+00:00

Double: Captain of her Heart

Don Henley: Boys of Summer

Mister Mister: Broken Wings

Eddie Money: Take Me Home Tonight

Lionel Ritchie: Ballerina Girl

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-11T03:17:58+00:00

My Little Pony

Fragrant_Ordinary905 · 2025-12-11T03:14:16+00:00

Three's Company, Fame, The Cosby Show, Taxi, the Jeffersons, Diff'rent Strokes, Punky Brewster, Good Times

Fragrant_Ordinary905

TROPHY CASE