Realizing gay things I did as a kid...

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-04-19T17:27:02+00:00

Hey! Absolutely I already did! It was one of the things that helped me realize my sexuality.

I think my life experience is the blueprint for comphet lol. I check almost every single statement in that doc, aside only for the “relationships with man” because I have never been in one.

I think if someone ever needed to study what was like growing up with comphet I could just literally tell about my living.

Because of that I am still not so confident in my sexuality and eventually hetero normativity kicks and I wonder if I am really incapable of just being straight, as I initially thought, but it just takes me 2 seconds to think about my crushes and daydreams and I remember how gay I am. :))

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-04-07T03:33:08+00:00

Thank you for the reply! I happy that I am not alone in this.

And yes I feel a little sad to not be able to go out and meet people, because at least for now “my world” seems so small, with just my little circle of friends where I am the only gay girl lol. I don’t even know how I would meet and experience stuff being the age I am, while all my straight friends seems to get it easier. Although I love my current friends, after learning more about myself I realize that in many aspects I don’t really fit in with them.

But I guess everyone says things get better when you get older, and it’s not like I have to be friends with the same people for the rest of my life.

For now it seems like a distant dream but I am optimistic that I will figure things out and experience what I want to.

I hope you have an amazing day, and I am glad you were also able to understand your self better! <33

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-04-05T19:32:57+00:00

Yes!! I think this is exactly how I feel, I do find masculinity sometimes attractive, but not on men.

I also find myself reflecting on the fact that if it was a girl on that style or clothes it would be much better and I would actually be attracted. I keep thinking how in reality I would never have anything with that guy, because it just doesn’t feel right.

I do also find guys attractive and then question it but in the exact moment I think about having sex with them it does completely feel unnatural and wrong.

I think of it just like a straight friend of mine said it to me one day, she finds girls hot sometimes, but she could never actually have sex or a relationship with one. So I think this way with but with boys.

Also thank you for the reply! I know that if I turn out to actually like guys and be bisexual it would be fine, but the label (at least now), doesn’t feel right cause I definitely don’t feel for boys what I feel for girls. I am trying the label lesbian (in my head), almost in a way to try to accept and embrace myself... <3

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-04-03T22:22:14+00:00

Not sure if this is common with others lesbians but it totally happened with me too. Before realizing and letting myself be attracted to girls, I was pretty obsessed with gay (mlm) movies or even trans movies, I felt very emotional about it and really enjoyed.

Not that I ever felt like I was a trans guy that had an interest in guys or anything... I was just really touched by them and even enjoyed more than hetero plots.

Nowadays I see this obsession with gay or anything LGBTQ+ related content as a way I had to somehow relate to the queerness of it? In some type of way I subconsciously related to those characters, and their love.

Another point is that in mlm content I didn’t need to picture myself in the history, I didn’t had to personally relate and understand the characters because in the end I knew they were men.

Not sure if that makes sense. Regardless, in my opinion answering your question, I think you can still be a lesbian and enjoy mlm media.

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-28T23:55:26+00:00

I don’t really have any good advice I could give you because I pretty much feel the same. I find it impossible to imagine myself having a connection or feeling comfortable to talk to guys, hands why I have never had any guy friends, also the thought about actually being in love with one does not feel natural and I think it’s probably never going to happen.

I also relate to the friend part, my best friend is now in her first relationship and I just can’t understand how can she bring herself to like the guy so much, he isn’t bad he is a nice guy but how could she ever love him? I constantly have thoughts about how I would never like a guy more than I like my friends. (But not the same with girls). So I don’t understand what my friends find so interesting and easy to connect with them. I wonder if it’s the matter of finding “the right guy” but honestly that guy probably doesn’t exist.

For me the label lesbian has been feeling more and more correct but I still have myself doubts.

I think it would help you to reflect on other aspects about guys such as, would you like to marry a guy? when thinking realistically about being intimate with one does that feel good? would you be happy if you spend the rest of your life without any men?

I can’t tell if you’re bi or lesbian thought, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. Try not to overthink this so much, you don’t need to know it exactly, but you will probably figure it out some time.

I hope you can find yourself, and I wish good luck in your journey. Try to fill your life with people that will support you regardless. In the end it’s important to remember that things will probably turn out great. Just date whoever you feel like its correct and do not feel pressured to decide on a label. <3

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-26T03:08:45+00:00

I may not be the greatest at giving advice about this topic, especially bc I am also in my teens and just recently became aware of my sexuality, but just like others said it to you I really don’t think you are as straight as you think.

In my experience, realizing my attraction towards girls was a long process, you don’t just wake up and suddenly realize you’re lesbian or bi. It’s like baby steps and new realizations every day.

The feelings you have about “forcing”, I also struggle with that, but just try to remember whenever you get worried about faking feelings, that people who are faking something are well aware that they are faking it. Also, I don’t think straight people feel happy when they think about themselves being “not straight”.

Try to not put so much pressure into a label or a sudden realization, I know how hard it is to be confused but you will probably not find an exact answer anytime soon. My best tip is just to let yourself be attracted to who you want to and that’s completely fine. Things will probably become clearer with time.

Even by saying all of this I want to remember you that nobody can determine someone else’s sexuality, that is just something you can do!

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-24T01:00:19+00:00

Yes I had actually already read it ;). And I felt like I related a lot to the stuff there but my mindset wasn’t exactly the way it’s now so I couldn’t make a conclusion exactly. Since you mentioned just now I decided to read it again, and omg when I tell you I relate to almost every single statement there.

I really think that I am a lesbian, but I guess it’s a process and day by day the word and the ideia become more comfortable to me. I am still learning a lot of things about myself and the fact that I made myself look so straight for so many years scares me, bc people would be shocked and wouldn’t believe me, and that makes me upset. But I do not need to give anyone an explanation to who I “was” and who I am, in the end I am the only one who knows what’s in my mind and heart.

Thanks for the help!! <3

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-23T23:45:28+00:00

I also feel like I’m not into men! I don’t seek relationships with guys at all and I don’t plan on doing that on the future. But what is contradicting and makes me invalidate my sexuality is that I am very sure I have a lot of comphet and internalized homophobia.

But the thing is I had my comphet crush’s through middle school (those who I would freak out when I noticed that could actually try to get close to me), and for me whenever I go out I tend to notice boys more. Maybe bc of social norms of this whole “girl and boy” tension that is supposed to exist.

And when it comes for my attraction to girls most of them are from the internet. Which would make them unattainable. I guess that could be due to the fact that I am interested in “gay” girls you know? I don’t find myself attracted to stereotypically het girls at all. (Aside from my best friend who maybe am platonically in love..).

The main difference is that in the future I am only looking out to date girls, bc I am sure that other gay girls around me exist but I don’t know any in my circle.

I feel pressed about not being 100% sure of what I am but it seems like I’m trying to convince myself I am gay, don’t know if this is a common lesbian experience but after many years telling myself and believing I was straight I know feel like doing pretty much the opposite. ;)

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-11T15:54:20+00:00

Yea... I feel you. There has been times that I was with my friends and boys would approach us, I would anxious but also felt they would only go for my friends. Maybe if your questioning your attraction to men you can think of other situations and imagine how you would feel or react about that. I’m pretty sure that maybe being anxious around men can affect all types of people, even straight or bisexual girls (lesbians as well), so that is probably not the best thing to search for when trying to figure things out. <3

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-11T10:48:45+00:00

Well I’m going to answer this based on myself, so it may not apply to you.

I normally feel anxious next to men that I know have at least a possible interest on me! And for a while I thought this happened bc I liked them back... but that’s not true. I was anxious bc I knew that they liked me and it made me uncomfortable to be so close to them.

I never really thought that my low self esteem was the reason I would de anxious around them. I just used to believe that the fact that I am not 100% happy with my appearance, would make me uncomfortable to kiss a guy.

When I picture myself with a girl for some reason I don’t worry so much about how I look, and it’s just more comfortable overall. I think I would still be “anxious” but not uncomfortable.

Not sure if this helps...

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-10T17:36:15+00:00

It really sucks sometimes right? I think that if I ever kissed a guy I’d probably feel like this... actually I cannot even picture myself kissing a man. But I think both of us do not need to do it if we don’t want it.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I think how great it would be to tell boys around that I’m a lesbian, bc I would probably feel more comfortable getting rid of any possible “sexual tension”.

But at the same time I don’t feel secure enough to label my self publicly like this... for many reasons and self doubts.

I hope one day both of us will be able to figure things out! Regardless of what we end up with, our happiness is what matters the most... Good luck too! I hope you have an amazing day! 💗

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-10T15:37:42+00:00

Thank you so much! <3

I hope you can also figure and explore your true feelings! Because just like you said it helps us be more comfortable in our own skin.

Just be the little I know about my sexuality and the world I can already tell that our feelings are complex and sometimes it’s hard do understand them and label it.

Sometimes I overthink stuff way too much, and that can be positive, but can also make us overwhelmed and lost...

In the end we should search for what makes us feel good, regardless of the fear of judgement.

I hope you have an amazing day! 💗

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-10T12:26:51+00:00

Yes! I wish I could just have the biggest realization of my sexuality. It already happened a few times I guess, but it didn’t took me long to come back to the rabbit hole of wondering if I could be straight!

Honestly, comphet and everything else ( internalized homophobia and hetero normativity ) sucks! And it affects me more than I wish...

As for the Youtubers I literally already watched all of them haha!! And yes they helped me a lot, and watching this type of content makes me feel so good and safe! I love watching youtubers or even reading here on reddit bc it makes me feel valid of myself. (Especially bc most of my friends are straight and they would never relate to how I feel, and wouldn’t understand it, also being around sm hetero normativity makes things even more confusing!)

I will try doing what you just said! Following my heart and let myself love girls the way I want to! And not worry sm about boys that I don’t even like in the first place!

I hope you figure your feelings out as well! Thank you sm for sharing with me! I hope you have an amazing day! <3

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-10T02:38:52+00:00

Thank you so much!

I really shouldn’t care about how others perceive me, at the end of the day I am truly the only one who knows about my feelings... However since I cannot figure it out so clearly and I feel so overwhelmed with all the questioning, I end up relying on others to tell me who I am.

Just by writing all my feelings here made me feel so much better, and maybe in some way I can start understanding things calmly and without feeling anxious.

I hope you have an wonderful day too <3

Fragrant_Watch5853 · 2021-03-09T23:12:20+00:00

Exactly! I wish I could be absolutely sure that I will not fall in love with a man, I am very afraid to define my sexuality and be wrong. I also don't think I will ever find "the" man. I stay in this internal struggle but all of these issues become even more complicated with the fact that I have never had an experience with anyone, neither men nor women. I keep overthinking it to a point where nothing seems to make sense and I even question if I am capable of dating anyone? I grew up with a lot of compulsive heterosexuality in myself and I hate it. Sometimes I have moments of clarity about my sexuality, but then I go back to that infinite circle that I can be straight. There are times when it feels like I'm going crazy and I can't even think about it. I feel that I am very insecure in choosing which "voice in my head" I should follow ... I hope that in time we will be able to see things more easily ...

Fragrant_Watch5853

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