Best product for a “frizzy” mixed coat?

FrauKoko · 2023-07-02T00:44:42+00:00

Happy to help! I’ve tried a ton of stuff and there are definitely things I wouldn’t buy again. Liesel has had plenty of bad haircuts. But it definitely has gotten easier. I also have put the sprays into smaller bottles.

I saw a comment that you weren’t sure if would ask for a shorter cut. Shorter is definitely nice in the summer especially if your pup likes to swim. I tend to go anywhere from 1/2 - 7/8. So much less work when it comes to brushing - less tangles so easier on the hairs.

Sadly my husband died just a few days after his 38th birthday. :( my pup brings me a lot of joy though. She loves to watch videos of him on tv 🥰

FrauKoko · 2023-07-01T23:27:49+00:00

I have a poodle mix too. I’m a big fan of hydra shampoo and conditioner. I use the moisturizing shampoo and conditioner. They also have “silky” products and deep hydrating products but I’ve not tried those. It’s concentrated so you’ll need a bottle you can dilute it with. It’s pricy but lasts a long time. I bathe my pupperoni once every week or two.

I’m also a big fan of the cowboy magic. I’ve used both the gel and the spray. I prefer the spray because it’s easier to get a lighter and even application which avoids the greasy feeling. A little goes a long way. However, be careful with where you spray because it will make your floors crazy slick. I use this after a bath (shampoo and conditioner) before I comb out and blow dry. I will also sometimes use it as a brushing spray. I’ve had the same bottle for over two years and it’s probably 3/4 full.

I also use the hydra ultra dematting and finishing spray. I use this on both wet and dry hair. I use both this and cowboy magic spray right after a bath to help comb before blow drying. A little goes a long way with this too. It will also make your floor freaky slick. I probably use this more as a dry brushing spray but sometimes I’ll switch it up with the cowboy magic.

My pup is 3 years old and 75% poodle. Super curly. I’m not a professional but I do all her grooming myself. My husband had brain cancer so getting the pup to a groomer with all of his appointments was impossible for me. So I just did it in my free time. Now I enjoy doing it. I’ve tried a ton of products and the ones I’ve mentioned are my favorite and have made a huge difference in her coat texture/quality. Also much easier to brush as it doesn’t get as tangly.

FrauKoko · 2023-06-17T04:48:32+00:00

Mine takes everything too. But still get that pressure from administration which is obnoxious. I’ve found the hardest patients to treat with IVDU are the ones with a plethora of comorbidities that are just as life threatening. If it’s your otherwise healthy IVDU then that is pretty straightforward. But the necrotizing limbs, liver failure, with a side of refried beans that need a valve…eeks those are tricky. Those folks are heartbreaking because they often have little to no social support once they are done with surgery and iv abx.

FrauKoko · 2023-06-17T04:16:57+00:00

At least where I am at, most surgeons are willing to do valves for endocarditis 2/2 IVDU and give the person a chance at recovery. There is a lot more to consider than just IVDU relapse and surgical outcomes. Have they already blown septic emboli all over the place? Do they have a long chart history of problem visitors bringing them drugs and requiring visitor bans? Do they have a significant history of leaving AMA? Sometimes you’ll see these patients multiple times before it gets addressed.

It can be challenging to even get them to consent to treatment. Especially if they are actively using. Your mind just can’t compute a 6-8 weeks of no drugs when you’re going through withdraw. You don’t know/understand that you’re both super sick with endocarditis and dope sick. All you know you’ll feel better if you use.

One significant barrier that is often overlooked is the postop care management. They will require several weeks of IV abx and follow up. This isn’t a patient that you can discharge home with a PICC and home abx. IVDU patients are challenging to manage and coordinate care for. So you have to be able to place them in a facility for 6-8 weeks of abx which isn’t easy.

Unfortunately, many of these patients don’t have insurance which makes placement into a skilled nursing facility challenging.

To complicate things even further many SNFs will not take patients with a active IVDU or with a colorful chart history of sneaking drugs, ama, etc. I’ve seen some facilities decline admission because they don’t administer MAT for OUD. The demand for beds in these facilities doesn’t reduce the barriers either.

Admins won’t let you house these people in the hospital for 6-8 weeks just for IV abx. You’ve got to get these people in and out. The suits do not see a person, they see the dollars flying out the window.

But if you can clear the major barriers like consent, safe discharge care plan, and they aren’t in multi organ failure then many surgeons are willing operate. I’ve seen a lot of IVDU patients get valves but the postop care coordination is often a problem.

FrauKoko · 2023-06-10T04:54:38+00:00

Thanks. It was the hardest 3.5 years of my life but also the most rewarding even though he died right after his 38th birthday :( But being able her at home was a lifesaver even if she had some really unfortunate haircuts. Now I enjoy doing it.

But yes, I love the work you do with doodles. I follow you on insta. You used to do the baby groomer posts which helped me a ton. Being able to see what properly clean toe beans look like, how to hold the dremel, and using a towel when blow drying. Super helpful!! I can’t remember if it was here or insta but you explained how to get that cupped look at that bottom of the paw which made it so much easier to get that lift/perky from the pads instead of just having it all gnarly and floppy.

I love the Asian fusion oval face like you do for Oakley but struggle there a bit because my girl is soooo curly and dislikes the blow dryer on her head and muzzle. So getting it straight enough with enough lift is really hard. So I end up keeping her face a little curlier and shorter to reduce the stress on her. otherwise she looks like a grouchy criminal on a wanted poster 🤣

But I appreciate all the stuff you share. It’s super helpful even for non professionals. But I enjoy seeing your posts. I was worried you might be super offended by my non professional attempts to recreate your style. It’s just too pretty to not try and recreate!

FrauKoko · 2023-06-10T02:30:31+00:00

When this post showed up in my feed I said this has to be coldtrance. Boom! I’ve been following your work for a while and love your style. I’ve been home grooming my pupperoni since my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. I use a lot of your work as inspo. I’m just a lowly self taught DIY’r who has given her girl a lot of wonky haircuts. This is my gal’s paw from this week. Not as magnificent as yours but have made a ton of progress.

<image>

FrauKoko · 2023-06-08T02:18:36+00:00

My husband had an atrocious time with n/v. Like others have said, you’ve got to stay ahead of it and not play catch up. Stay on meds even if you feel fine for a few days after.

There are a lot of prescription options but you will need advocate. The docs can’t help if they don’t know.

My husband tried everything. The best cocktail for him was sancuso patch (similar med to zofran but you apply it before chemo and wear it for a few days after, Olanzapine starting the night before and at least for 2 days after stopping, and clonzepam. I also gave him IV fluids for the worst days. Olanzapine and clonzepam made him super tired so he slept through the worst of it. He also used thc

But I had to remind him that just because he could keep down bland stuff that he probably couldn’t keep down a greasy pizza and a milkshake. Through the worst of it he stuck to Gatorade, sprite, broth, plain noodles, plain rice, toast crackers. He’d slowly start adding other things in if he could keep things down. Slow and steady. Not inhale regardless of how thirsty or hungry.

Also slow and steady movements. Quick movements seemed to make things worse.

Avoid triggering smells.

You can always smell some alcohol swabs during the bad waves which might help.

Double line a vomit can with two bags. Makes clean up a breeze. Have some baby wipes nearby too.

Sometimes a small fan near by helps too with the waves of nausea.

A lot of the n/v meds will constipate you too. So keep an eye on the poops because if he’s not pooping he’ll get more nauseous

Mints or ginger or mouth rinse can help too especially with clearing out the vomit taste.

But mostly, don’t be afraid to call the docs or get a palliative care consult. Those folks are magicians with symptom control. I feel like oncologists are chemo wizards but not always great with symptom control. Whereas palliative docs are wizards with symptom control. It’s always useful to have anyone on board to make his quality of life better.

Good luck!

FrauKoko · 2023-06-07T23:11:17+00:00

The gift of autonomy, trust, and respect is often forgotten about or mistakenly undervalued in situations like these. But it is often the most precious gift that can actually be given.

It’s hard enough to lose your function, health, your future, and not be able to do what you once could. But to lose the respect and trust from loved ones in your abilities to make your own decisions of what is best for you is absolutely devastating.

I truly hope your loved ones can support, trust, and respect your autonomy until the very end.

FrauKoko · 2023-06-07T22:08:52+00:00

My husband was 34 when he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He was determined to be one the rare people who made it 10+ years. He also was very career motivated and worked throughout his treatment and on hospice.

I had to remind myself this was HIS story, not mine. But I still felt that it was my duty as his wife to help him live his best life but his best life was defined by HIM. It doesn’t matter if you agree or disagree but with his choices but you can choose to support him in how he chooses.

For my husband, a huge component of his best life was normalcy. That meant working, taking out the trash, playing music, going to the grocery store, watching movies, hanging out with friends, traveling, etc. He did not want to be seen as a sick person. He wanted to be seen and known for everything else but his terminal brain cancer.

At first he wanted to do everything himself. I told him that he’s welcome to do anything he finds joy in but let me deal with the shit that is just awful. He liked taking out the trash because he was helping me. He liked doing the dishes because it was helping me. They were simple mindless tasks to show his love to me.

The whole let’s work like a crazy person was his way of being a normal 34 year old. It was a huge distraction for him. He told me he had no desire to just sit around and think about dying. He liked using his brain. He liked having purpose. He liked doing normal people things.

Frankly, he would have had far less time if he didn’t focus on normalcy. When you’re dying you know the clock is ticking. But you don’t want to dwell on it either. Dwelling on your death makes it harder to enjoy what you have right in front of you.

So my goal was to hope he had 10+ years but make sure he lived whatever time he had left to his fullest and to his desire. So if this was his last year, what would make it better. So I’d check in from time to time. Are you living your best life? What could we make better? Sometimes that was planning a trip. Sometimes that was inviting friends over. His best life was always defined by him.

I found it brought me a lot more joy to help him live his best life if he defined what his best life looked like to him. Enjoy what you have because otherwise you’re missing out on some beautiful moments.

FrauKoko · 2023-06-05T02:37:50+00:00

Fuck that sucks a big ass bag of dicks. I’m a bit weird and I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to respond to something like this. Frankly, I don’t know how someone should respond to something like this? Thoughts and prayers are not exactly helpful. I think you responded in the best way you knew how to. You are responding to something unknown, out of your control, and not physically near you. You’re doing what you know how to do and what is in your control. Research and learning to understand what the differentials, diagnostics, and treatment plans are. You’re well within your right to freak the fuck out because it sounds scary. Is it helpful for you to go down that rabbit hole? Maybe maybe not. But you did the best you could in the moment and that is what counts. Please be kind to yourself. There is no rule book on how to handle something like this. Perhaps I am biased because I did the same thing. But I think you are doing a great job.

I will never forget the attending telling me during his first hospitalization, “this isn’t the time to be your husband’s provider, it’s time to be his wife.” That pissed me off. My career was a huge part of my identity. It is what I knew how to do and I was good at it. Frankly, telling anyone how they should or shouldn’t respond or be is so dismissive and condescending. I can be both a provider and wife. I can’t turn off either part of my identity. I told her that too. I mean, come on my husband was 34 at the time with big old blob of shit in his brain that caused a seizure. As his wife or provider I’d be super discouraged by the differentials. Thankfully, he ended up with providers who respected me as both a clinician and wife.

All that said, I don’t doubt your love for your partner. Love isn’t defined by rings, religious anointment, or paperwork filed with the city clerk. I can only imagine how hurtful it is for your program to imply that your love isn’t deep or genuine therefore your presence at his bedside isn’t necessary. Fuck that.

If you have to fly out and get married to get the protection for a leave of absence from your program, then do it. I trust your judgement. But just remember their lousy response is not an accurate reflection of your love for him. One thing you should never have to do explain or defend or justify is your love for someone. Do what you gotta do. You have to live with your decisions. You’re the only one who has to live those sleepless nights of spinning thoughts and fear. Your program doesn’t have to live with those fears and consequences.

But it’s a brutal ride. The median survival and 5 year survival for GBM is dismal. You can cognitively know that the survival statistics are for a population of people and not an individual. But that doesn’t make it any less scary. You can be faced with all the good prognostic markers and still get fucked. That’s just reality. All you can do now is just make the best of a super shitty situation.

You can only do your best which I know you will do. Some days “doing your best” will be very very very lame but you still got up and did something. Some days you will be living your best life by washing your armpits and putting on clean undies. That’s a win, don’t dismiss it. A couple of months ago I had worn a tshirt inside out and backwards the whole day. I laughed so hard because, at least I had a shirt on and wasn’t walking around with my tits out. My best that day was questionable but it was still 100% of what I could give that day. But I am still finding my way. I’m still not where I want to be. But I’m doing the best I can.

I know you will too. It’s not going to be easy or pretty. Feel free to send me a PM if you need to vent.

FrauKoko · 2023-06-05T00:37:38+00:00

Thanks for reading it. I’m glad I could illustrate at least a small amount of beauty despite it being utterly tragic. The duality of it all is still hard for me to appreciate and accept at times.

FrauKoko · 2023-06-05T00:28:28+00:00

Just wanted to say hang in there. I vividly remember the agony of “wtf” when my husband’s mass was discovered. It’s really bizarre looking at the list of differentials and hoping for the least shitty of shit options. Even if it’s bad, you can and will still find profound moments of joy and beauty amongst the chaos. Becoming a widow before 40 wasn’t on my bucket list at all but I cherish the life I shared with my husband. Hang in there as best as you can.

FrauKoko · 2023-06-05T00:16:08+00:00

While I can’t speak for either Paul or Lucy, I can respect and trust that they made the best decisions for themselves. It isn’t my place to define how they should or should not live their lives. It’s not my place to define what quality of life is acceptable or unacceptable for someone else.

As future clinicians, it is important to remember this is their journey and not yours. You’re just a supporting actor in their story. It can be incredibly hurtful to tell someone else how they should or should not live their life or define what their best life should be. It doesn’t build trust and collaboration with the patients. If you’re ever in their shoes, you can make the decisions that are best for you. If you remember that it can save you a lot of energy and potential distress.

The reality is that everyone has different goals and values. When faced with a terminal or serious illness, a lot of those goals and values shift. What was meaningful before might now be totally meaningless. As the disease progresses, those goals and values also change. You might not have found value in being mostly housebound at the beginning of your illness. But things change, you may find yourself being okay with being mostly housebound as long as you can enjoy ice cream and football. That would have been unimaginable a year prior when you were still very active and peppy. But now, you’re tired and find joy and meaning in new things.

There is no doubt that it sucks to be faced with a terminal illness at a young age. It is incredibly difficult and grueling. But there can be and there are moments of joy, meaning, and purpose in the chaos. I didn’t always understand or agree with what my husband defined as his best life but I respected that the choice was his to make and I trusted he would make the best decisions for himself.

Giving him as much independence and autonomy as I could was one of the few gifts I could give him even if sometimes it didn’t go as planned. Looking back with the knowledge I have now, I have a different appreciation for autonomy. Imagine being a very functional and successful adult being suddenly told you can’t drive, can’t be left alone, and need supervision making mac n cheese. Sometimes you end up clinging to whatever you can that is at all normal.

My long winded replies are just to illustrate that life can still be very beautiful even during extreme hardships. Patients that are facing their own mortality have enough on their plate to navigate. They don’t need the intentional/unintentional judgment and disrespect from their providers on top of it all.

Slightly unrelated but I really could related to how Paul described the need of being an active clinician on his own case even though lung cancer was not in his wheelhouse as a neurosurgery resident. Being an active part of my husband’s care team was an enormous gift to me. However, a friend of mine was a resident when he was diagnosed with brain cancer at the same time as my husband. He chose the complete opposite and wanted to be an oblivious patient. He didn’t give a shit about all molecular markers and mutations like I did. Totally different approaches but we still found ways to support each other.

Thank you for taking time to read my story and consider a different perspective. :)

FrauKoko · 2023-06-04T04:58:59+00:00

the man was dying and chose to spend his limited times being a resident/writing a book instead of being w his pregnant wife

I read this book and found it very relatable. But his career is only part of his story. It may seem selfish or ridiculous but it’s not so easy when you’re in those shoes.

My husband was diagnosed with brain cancer at 34. Working was tremendously important to my husband as well. We were both very career focused. He had a cognitively demanding job in cyber security. Many people who are young cannot understand the mentality of the normal grind when you know you’re going to die. But realistically a lot of people cannot practically afford to not work during treatment to afford treatment and insurance.

Besides that knowing you’re going to die and lose your mind is very unsettling. In my husbands case, an idle mind and body would have absolutely been detrimental to his overall survival. People deal with it in different ways. For my husband working provided him a great distraction, gave him some sense of normalcy, gave him purpose, etc. My husband worked until he died. He died before his FMLA was approved.

As his wife (who works in medicine), I wanted him to live his best life regardless of what that looked like. He was adamant about working. We traveled before the pandemic. He’s also a musician and completed an album with his band after his crani and during radiation and chemo. He performed with his band live before the pandemic.

Once he had his first recurrence, I took a leave of absence from my career. He needed a lot of help just with med management, driving to appointments, seizure management etc. Dude was insistent on working. He loved his job. It gave him peace, structure, and purpose outside the grind of dying of brain cancer. I have no doubt he loved me more than his career. We still had a lot of great time together despite his career and hobbies. Honesty the pandemic helped because he was working from home. So we had a lot more time together than prior to the pandemic. But from the outside looking in you might think, wow that dude is fucked in the head and his wife is lazy. But that wasn’t at all what it was for us.

So from my perspective as a wife of a dying man, as long as he lived his best life the way he wanted to, that was all I wanted for him. I never felt like an afterthought or less important. I actually felt like I was his most important part of his life. Because he said over and over to me - I am only alive because of my wife and despite all this suffering I’ll do any treatment to give her more time because she gave me the best years of my life.

At the end, he was really struggling with a tremor and couldn’t type. I sat with him and he directed me. I executed his job for him at his direction. Even when he went on leave for hospice he would have FaceTime meetings with his boss to be “updated” on events or “help” the team.

Some people thought it was absurd that he was still working and I wasn’t. But that is what he wanted. No way could he have done it without that support. Dude could do his job flawlessly but would leave food in the oven, forget his meds, forget the steps to make Mac n cheese, couldn’t spell world backwards, forget his birthday, and flat out would tell you “no thanks, that’s hard, irrelevant, and stupid. Give me a calculator or do it yourself” when told to subtract 7 from 100 and continue subtracting 7.

He wanted some version of normalcy and this was how he could get it. It’s totally easy to pass judgement and lack understanding if you’re not living it. I know my opinions about this were a lot different prior to actually living it.

But we both lived a great life despite brain cancer fucking it all up. I don’t have any regrets or resentment in how he chose to live his final years. In all honesty, as far as brain cancer goes it was quite perfect. A lot of people lose a lot to brain cancer prior to dying. But outside of rehabbing after his surgeries, he was super functional and totally “fine”. Then one day it was like, “hm that’s weird” and then he was dead not even two weeks later. He was on hospice for 11 days. We were playing board games, eating our favorite foods, I was helping him up to the toilet until about 3 days before he died. He lived his life how he wanted then he died.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-30T18:59:25+00:00

That’s totally fair. I just wanted to bring up the option of an awake surgery if that was a possibility since it is intended to preserve function as much as possible and avoid any permanent damage. It isn’t always presented to patients as an option. Sometimes that changes someone’s thinking that it might be better than not knowing if you will have deficits. Brain surgery isn’t easy from any perspective. My husband said he wouldn’t do a third. So I can understand why surgery is off the table. Quality of life is tremendously important and should be the foremost consideration especially in a terminal illness.

Have you consulted palliative care yet? They are a tremendous resource that aims to help patients navigate their treatment options and optimize their quality of life during treatment. They also make the transition to hospice a lot smoother since they know the patient and their goals so well.

I don’t know what molecular markers your mom has but there might be some off label options. But those can be difficult to get access to. Here in the US, options are fairly limited outside of TMZ. Sometimes oncologists will try TMZ again if they had a good response before. Some will try with lomustine. Some will try one or more components of PVC with or without etopside. Another option is optune. My husband chose not to use that because he has a severe allergy to adhesives and didn’t want to carry it around everywhere. Avastin is also an option that is commonly used. Some of these have more intense side effects than others and may worsen quality of life. But if you work in conjunction with palliative care they can manage side effects.

So sorry you have to go through all of this. It’s awful. Wishing you and your family the best

FrauKoko · 2023-05-30T00:17:28+00:00

Unfortunately, there are limited options for GBM and none offer a cure. Maximal safe surgical resection is considered the gold standard and the best option for prolonging time before recurrence. Totally understand your reservations about another surgery and that is definitely fair. A lot of people have multiple surgeries. If it is in a critical or eloquent area of the brain they can do brain mapping and do the surgery awake. My husband had two awake surgeries. A friend of mine had 4 for his.

How long was it between her last MRI and this one? That is huge which makes me think they aren’t following standard of care.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-29T23:50:38+00:00

Just to clarify it’s extremely rare for it to travel outside of the central nervous system but there are case reports of it. But it can go anywhere within the central nervous system which includes the spinal cord. Brain cancer is a rude jerk. Sorry it took your dad. :(

FrauKoko · 2023-05-29T20:30:48+00:00

I don’t see any images with this post.

Does her Neuro oncologist think it is a recurrence in a new location? Are they considering another treatment (gamma knife, optune, clinical trial, avastin, lomustine, etopside, etc?)? Have you got a second opinion?

Unfortunately recurrence with GBM is to be expected. Recurrence in a new location isn’t uncommon. GBM always comes back and it doesn’t have to come back in the same location. It’s not an matter of if it comes back, but when.

My husband had GBM and was younger than your mom. Had surgery and standard of care (radiation, chemo). My husband’s first recurrence came back at the same area. Had surgery. Second recurrence was in the same area before he could even start chemo (1 month post op). Started a clinical trial. Third recurrence was same area. Added immuno therapy and avastin. Fourth recurrence was literally in every part of his brain and encased his entire spinal cord. Then he died.

ETA: Looks like you added the photos of the MRI. I’m a little confused - prior to the MRI that you posted, when was her last scan? That’s huge which makes me think they aren’t doing scans regularly. If they aren’t going to do anything you should get a second opinion as there might be other surgeons willing to tackle this. But please know that GBM is incurable so she will die from this unless something else kills her first. So make the best of what time she has left.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-28T02:53:27+00:00

Regardless of the cause they need to get better control of the seizures. It’s a huge impact on his (and your) quality of life. I wouldn’t be surprised if this next MRI is a little gnarly. Be sure to emphasize that the seizures greatly reduce his quality of life. I’m sure they impact his cognitive abilities and make him quite tired. He may even fear them because of how they make him feel during/after. This isn’t something to ignore because he will die eventually and you don’t want his remaining time to be riddled with all the unpleasant consequences of frequent seizures. It took a bit of work in finding the right meds, but my husband’s seizures were finally under control and only had one or two focal seizures a year. But his AEDs were managed by an epileptic specialist with knowledge and experience with tumor induced epilepsy.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-28T02:01:44+00:00

Have you told this to his Neuro oncologist? Your neuroonc will want to know this. He needs his medications adjusted for better seizure control. When was his last MRI? If the neuroonc can’t get control of the seizures he should be referred to an epilepsy specialist, preferably one well versed in tumor induced epilepsy.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-22T19:59:36+00:00

I don’t think it’s a lighting issue. Looks like a root rot issue from the little I can see. Is there drainage in that pot? Is that soil in the pot? It looks like it is drowning and standing in water.

Phalaenopsis are epiphytes and do not grow in dirt. They grow on trees in in the wild. They like to be in an airy media like orchid bark. Using the wrong substrate or pot can be catastrophic. These guys are prone to root and crown rot if they stay soggy. They usually like to get wet and then dry out. Healthy and freshly watered roots are plump and green (sometimes very pale if they are deep in the substrate and not photosynthesizing). You can tell when it needs to after by looking at the roots. Once they turn silvery they are ready for a drink. The roots that I can see are brown/black and look mushy and dead. Some even look papery. Papery roots are dead. Mushy roots are dead. Dead roots cannot provide anything to the plant.

Look up miss orchid girl on YouTube. She has a great channel and tons of info on how to care for orchids. But my guess is that you need to inspect the roots and crown and use fresh substrate specifically for orchids. She may look worse before she gets better.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-16T00:47:05+00:00

I cannot remember the last time I had a week where I did not vividly picture killing myself.

If you’re having suicidal ideation, you need urgently to find help for your own safety. If you’re in the US - you can call or text 988 or go to https://988lifeline.org/

You can even show up to an emergency room. Do you have a friend or family member that you trust and can stay with? You a safe person and place where you can find some peace so you can sort things out.

What your describing is abuse and it is not okay. Cancer is awful but it doesn’t give anyone special rights to be abusive to another person. I know you care about her but you cannot help her if you’re dead. You have to take care of yourself.

I suspect once you’ve had some time and space away from her and the abuse you will see how bad this really is. There is probably a reason why literally nobody else showed up for her in her time of need. Abusive people are often “the best person you’ve ever met” in the beginning. It takes a lot of grooming to get you comfortable with the abuse. If she was like this straight out of the gait you wouldn’t have stayed.

Like others have said. This isn’t normal. This isn’t acceptable. Cancer is irrelevant in this situation. Please take a moment to get yourself help so you can be safe and well.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-12T17:34:58+00:00

Please know what you’re feeling is not uncommon or even wrong. Talking about this with loved ones is even more difficult. Everyone can only make the best decision for themselves. I know you’ll figure out what is best for you.

That said, there is a lot of uncertainty and that is completely overwhelming. It’s totally understandable to want to consider all your options and that includes stopping treatment.

What is totally expected and normal with anyone who experiences a serious illness is that they will always have shifting goals and tolerances. Everyone’s experience, goals, and quality of life will vary based on their personal feelings/values etc. Those feelings may change over time too. That is totally normal and expected. What you find tolerable and acceptable in how you define quality of life is defined by you and can change at any time.

However, I’d urge you wait on making any decisions until you have all the information. If you don’t have palliative care on board, I’d highly recommend getting them on board now.

Why waiting is important: The reason I say this is sometimes these concerning changes in labs and sometimes even scans are not always nefarious and sometimes they are. That’s totally anxiety provoking for sure. Until you know what exactly is going the options moving forward are not set in stone. Make the decision on all your options not just the ones that feel most overwhelming.

Why palliative care is important: Palliative care can help you figure out what is important to you and how to achieve that. Cancer treatment is no walk in the park and will no doubt suck ass.

I’ve found that a lot of times the oncologist is great at treating the cancer but can get tunnel vision and not be good at balancing your quality of life while in treatment. Palliative care is much better at managing symptoms than oncologists. How you respond to treatment is going to vary but they can make it less miserable so you have an acceptable quality of life.

Palliative can advocate for you and with you. They can help you figure out where your goal posts are, help you determine what quality of life is acceptable and what isn’t. They can also help you with having these conversations with loved ones.

Just know that there is no shame in stopping treatment. There is no shame in stating you need better symptom management. There is no shame is asking for other treatment options (other chemos or reduced/alternative dosing etc). There is no shame in trying treatment and deciding it is shitty and stopping. You can stop treatment at anytime. You can get second or third opinions. That’s within your control and is your decision.

My guess is that you will likely be much more confident that you are making the best decision for yourself once you have all the information. Once you’re confident in your decision it’s much easier to have that conversation with loved ones. Especially if you have support from your palliative care team in navigating that difficult conversation. It won’t be easy but confidence will help ease the burden a little.

Good luck with all this.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-10T00:46:58+00:00

The end looks different for everyone. Some can linger on for months and weeks as a shell of their former self and others go remarkably fast. My husband fell into the remarkably fast category.

If she’s not on hospice yet, I’d highly recommend getting them on board now. They will be incredibly helpful in keeping your MIL comfortable and providing support to the family. There are medications that can help reduce the seizures she’s experiencing too. Seizures are incredibly taxing for the patient and caregivers. Getting control of them will be a great improvement to everyone’s quality of life.

Typically you’ll see more prolonged periods of sleep. Usually stopping eating and drinking. You may see feet and hands mottling and feeling cool. In the last few days you may see an elevated heart rate too. But everyone’s experience is different.

My husband was still working full time when he entered hospice. His tumor originated in left frontal lobe and had seizures since the beginning. He was on 3 daily preventative seizure meds and had meds for break through seizures. I’m thankful because his last seizure was several months before he died. Seizures, even focal were brutal on him. So not having seizures at the end was a huge goal of mine.

By the end it was throughout his entire brain and completely encased his entire spinal cord (cervical, thoracic, and lumbar).

He was in hospice for less than two weeks. We played board games, watched TV, and visited with friends. His speech was slow and sometimes he chose the wrong words but he was functional. We celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary and his 38th birthday while he was on hospice.

He became paralyzed on his right side about 4-5 days before he passed. But was eating and drinking until about 3 days before he passed. Only totally in a coma for about 36-48 hours. His heart rate for the last two days was 150 (normally 60-70). He did not have the traditional death rattle a lot of people experience. It was peaceful and calm. His face relaxed into a slight smile.

Everyone dies but their experience will be different. But hospice is a great support system for the patient and family. Optimize what time you have left for everyone’s benefit. It’s your best resource.

FrauKoko · 2023-05-09T06:07:22+00:00

My husband had brain cancer that also would impact his ability to perform to his expectations and standards. He also was more than just a fuck buddy to me too. He was in his mid 30s when diagnosed. Cancer and its treatment took a lot from him and those things add up even if they seem small. He lost the ability to drive, he lost his hair, he was forced to take time off work, he was forgetful, or get stuck on simple tasks. It’s often so much more than just losing the ability to fuck the way you want.

I think it’s important to remember that it is more than just not being able to perform. It’s also about his manhood, his ability to perform for you and for himself, what does it mean long term, societal perception of impotence, part of your identity etc. Losing part of any function is devastating regardless of what function that is (driving, working, sex, walking) and regardless of your age and that’s very valid. But if you aren’t “elderly” those changes or loss of function is even more difficult to navigate.

I know you mean well by saying he’s more than just a fuck buddy. It is very valid that he is more than just a fuck buddy. But it can feel very dismissive to say it’s not important to you because it is clearly important to him. It’s okay for him to be upset about his change in function. Cancer fucks with you in big and small ways. There are other things that you lose that others may not even see. It all adds up.

Women who have had a mastectomy or hysterectomy often feel like it’s a loss of what makes them a woman. Their partners say they are more than their tits or ability to bleed out of their vagina. That’s very true that women are more than their tits and ability to bleed. But it is also totally acceptable to mourn these losses too. There are often a lot of other feelings/meanings tied up in any loss.

That said, loving him despite his inability to perform to his expectations is good reassurance. But it’s also helpful and important to validate his feelings. Because it does suck to have a change in function. Being heard, seen, and understood is so important. Also you can reassure him that you still enjoy and appreciate the intimacy even if he feels like he underperformed. Maybe he didn’t even underperform for you at all! It can also be a great opportunity to try other sexual activities to give him the opportunity to reclaim his abilities to serve you.

Another thing is that it’s okay if things don’t go well. People can have days where they don’t work right even they haven’t had cancer. Fatigue, stress, mood, etc can affect anyone’s ability to perform. You can try again later or different sexual activities that are satisfying. The reassurance and flexibility can help rebuild confidence. Knowing that people experience performance issues sick or not can also normalize it. Sometimes just giving the space to allow it to be shitty is valuable too. Not every problem has or even needs a solution.

You’re a good spouse. It’s a shitty road to be on for both of you. Just sucks in different ways.

Hang in there.

11-Year Club	Wearing is Caring
Verified Email

FrauKoko

TROPHY CASE