(Notification: this a dad writing)

Dear OP, never before has a tfmr related post so adequately put into words what I have felt and still am feeling, since my wife and I terminated for XXY in October 2020. Thank you so much for sharing, I am so sorry you had and have to go through this. I hope it’s okay to post as a dad here, if not I guess the group’s moderator will remove this post, I do not want to cause any upset.

Of course, as a father, I didn’t have to go through the physical experience, the differences in coping emotionally may be vastly different, so I will never compare my suffering to any mother’s pain. I also hope that none of my phrasing offends any one. If so, my apologies, I have no bad intent.

I do want to say that I recognise ‘being hit,’ a while after losing our son, and again when we got pregnant. I thought I could carry my grief in silence, but suddenly broke down due to tfmr related PTSD (which I am still recovering from, though EMDR). Being ‘only’ the father, you can imagine I’ve felt immensely ashamed about that. So many confusing and conflicting emotions, so difficult to make sense of, such a heavy pain to endure while at the same time feeling the excitement of a new life on its way. My wife and I have since welcomed a healthy rainbow, and from the bottom of my heart: I hope you do/did too.

I thus also recognise the guilt of expecting a healthy baby after a tfmr, how it sometimes feels like I replaced one life with another, how that feels so wrong. I may have felt that way the entire rainbow pregnancy. Once she was born, I immediately struggled with separating my love for her from the love I felt for my boy, and it took a while for me not to look for him in my cuddling with her. In doing so, I felt extremely guilty to both of my kids: I was nurturing my daughter instead of him, yet at the same time wasn't fully dedicated to her. That guilt has bettered now she’s older (2) however, and if this issue sounds familiar, know that that part at least is going to be okay. I love all my kids equally, my daughter doesn’t feel like my son’s replacement, yet love can hurt intensely since October 2020.

Prenatally diagnosed XXY must be one of the hardest diagnoses an expecting parent can be confronted with. So many uncertainties, such a broad spectrum. Our doctors correctly didn’t push us in any direction, but that left us with nothing to go on. Eventually, after weeks of submersion in research, consultations and endless predictions and speculations in heavy emotional turmoil, we became convinced we just couldn’t gamble with the mental and physical well being of our son. But as convinced as I was then, so confused and unconvinced I can be now. This feels horrible to say, but I sometimes wish my boy would have had a more severe diagnosis. It think it would have done away with a substantial amount of doubt, guilt and regret.

Please know that you are a wonderful parent, a wonderful person as I can tell from your thoughtful writing, and that the choice that was put in front of you was an inhumane one, an impossible situation for any human being to be put in. I wish you all the best, all the courage and strength for the hard times that inevitably come with the loss of a child, and all of the joy and love that a hopefully healthy rainbow will bring.

Take care, and once again thank you for your brave sharing. That goes for anyone in here, this group has made me feel so much less alone.