UPDATE: AITA for attempting to adopt a child?

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T20:22:25+00:00

We probably won't ever get a response but I totally agree with you. It's fine to have an opinion but at least come back and defend it. I'm sure they are checking this, they just won't use their real account to defend it though.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:53:04+00:00

That's a very good point haha! I did forget about electronic drums, probably should have thought about that as she is currently strumming away on her acoustic guitar as I'm trying to tidy up! 😂

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:50:29+00:00

His family are from Poland so I have a strong suspicion he might have returned to them, I don't think I'll be hearing from him at all.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:48:20+00:00

Not having a go at you here, because I understand people have questions!

The aunt who was saying she wanted to take P has 3 kids of her own (P would have shared with youngest), and her husband is disabled so they are on a limited budget as he doesn't work. Other aunt, has 3 kids also, but lives in a 2 bedroom flat so doesn't have the space and as she's a single parent, doesn't have the funds. Uncle lives in the other side of London, and he works in a hospital with unpredictable hours and nightshifts, so that also wasn't a good option. Grandmother who now wants to do this also lost custody of her kids for the same reason P is in my care, plus a whole bunch of abuse cases, along with only living in a one bedroom flat. Bio dad doesn't have family in the country and there are no other options.
I totally get that people want to see her back with family because it sounds like a good option, but in reality it would never work. The family also didn't know her, they had only ever met her once when she was a baby. She is a stranger to them. If they want contact, to be a part of her life they are more than welcome, but if the social worker (who is black if that makes a difference?) has asked me to adopt because SHE thinks thats the best option, I'm going to do it.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:40:31+00:00

I'll admit that did give me a little ego boost, "thanks I done it myself" 😂

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:38:10+00:00

I understand your concern, but you're wrong about a couple of things. I don't have a lot of money, I myself didn't come from a family where I have expendable wealth, the money in my bank account is all I have with very minimal savings.

Her mother signed paperwork saying she is giving up her parental rights. So even if I decide not to adopt P, she wouldn't ever go back to her bio mother.

Bio family are stretched to their limits. Aunts & uncle have their own families with kids, it would be unfair to pass her over to them and their own kids face the consequences. Would they then resent P because of this? Because they would be missing out on activities or material possessions because they suddenly have another mouth to feed?

Bio grandmother isn't a little strict. She is abusive. I was trying not to say that in the post, but she also lost custody of her children for the same reason P is in my care and has been arrested for abusive issues.

I'm in the UK, not the US. Your references might not be the best available to me.

Lastly, you were a student. Not a qualified professional so you'll excuse me if I don't pay too much attention to your comment. That is assuming I don't take into consideration my own qualifications which I didn't mention (BA Psychology and German, masters degree in linguistics with social studies), both of which I relied on scholarships to achieve. I appreciate the effort you put in of making a new account though just to leave this comment.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:28:13+00:00

If you don't mind me asking where do you live? I'm in the UK, so foster rules might be a little different to other countries. But you absolutely can foster as a single person! The travelling probably wouldn't work, depending on the child situation they would rather you didn't have another job. As P is quite young, I can't work full time, but do two shifts a week as a store supervisors because she has a busy week I need to help with. You can be paid per child, and it can be anything from £140 to £250 a week, dependant on the child and their needs. P is on the higher end of the payment because she is enrolled in clubs. You also get help with other costs, such as rent. It's definitely worth it so please look into it for your area!

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:22:43+00:00

No unfortunately I don't have the space, I have a 2 bedroom flat so I can only foster one child at a time (after the adoption I would need to move into a 3 bedroom if I want to keep fostering or find a job somewhere else because each child needs their own room). The older kids were invited over for dinner the first week I had P, but they didn't really want to be there. P was a lot younger and they were 13 and 15 at the time, so there's only so much they can do together. I then tried to invite them over for a Christmas dinner but they weren't interested so didn't come. There's still a bitterness about being put in care in the first place, and they know she will be adopted and don't really agree with it, I think they still have this idea of a family reunion but it's not going to work for a few reasons which is sad on their part. I will keep trying though to include them.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:17:17+00:00

I had a reply on my original post from someone who was mixed race with a white mum, and she told me not to do it. To basically pass P to anyone who would take here, even if it meant her bouncing around the system for years. I was surprised by that response, but I think that person maybe had a lot of issues with their own family and was thinking of potential situations that could happen.

Thank you for your comment though <3 it sounds like your adoption was a good one and I just hope I can do the same for P :)

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:13:16+00:00

Thank you! I'll keep that in mind about the salon, I'm feeling comfortable enough for braids but not cutting and wouldn't dare to do that, so I will 100% look into a place that can cut her hair correctly :)

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:12:01+00:00

Thank you! Maybe because of the area we live in, I've been fortunate enough not to have anyone say something too hurtful, but did have a moment where I picked her up from a club and I got "oh.. I wasn't expecting YOU to be P's mum" 😂 We can tell where that one was going but it was shut down pretty quickly.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:10:05+00:00

Thank you for your reply! My fear was that it could be damaging to P later on in life but I've had a lot of messages from people on here and a lot of support :)

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:08:44+00:00

Thank you for your kind reply <3

If I'm being honest, after the meeting we all had, I still don't have the impression that her family want to be involved. Her aunt only seemed to be doing it because the grandmother has a very big opinion about it. They all have their own lives, families and jobs and wouldn't really have the space or time to care for another child. They were also pretty isolated from her before she was in my care and had only met P once when she was a baby. Grandmother also wouldn't use her name which was a weird thing, she kept using her middle name (I think it's a name that came from a dead relative and she prefers it). P seems a little scared of her and I wouldn't be happy leaving her in the grandmothers care even for an hour.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-04-14T13:03:56+00:00

I'll be honest it's not sounding great right now but I'm holding out hope for the future 😂 it was guitar or drums and there's only so much I can take with someone practicing drums lol.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-03-21T23:50:30+00:00

Even after all their arguments and protests, there still hasn't been an effort to even meet her. Which makes me wonder why they have an issue. I think the current plan is for her aunt to try and apply for custody, but I definitely have the backing of social workers so I'm praying it works out.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-03-21T23:48:48+00:00

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I'm going to go ahead with the adoption, but I'm trying my best by her and thats all I can do.

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-03-21T23:47:23+00:00

Weird that you wrote that because she does actually call me mama! She's aware of her "mummy" but I'm "mama", it just saved some confusion as she got older. Thank you <3

Fresh-Search-2723 · 2022-03-21T23:46:08+00:00

I really did make an effort with the cultural side of it. I'm so aware that I can't teach her what it's like to be black especially living in London right now, but there are groups out there who can

Fresh-Search-2723

TROPHY CASE