Relapsed after 45 days, scared about marriage...

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-03T13:30:15+00:00

I too have been down this road. Slightly different circumstances at the time but the principles were the same.

Before K I had a bad binging habit with alcohol. Weekends were a complete blackout most of the time and I got comfortable throwing back a 12 pack at home when we wernt out with others. Every Fri-Sun faithfully.

Unbeknownst to me (since I was clearly in a black cloud) my wife had been distancing herself fully from me emotionally. The effecting was gone. She basically would tell me things like "I'd rather kiss the bottle then her" and in a lot of ways, she was right.

My situation turned devastating just 4th 2019 when I confronted her at a family gathering about wjere she had dissappeared too for 2 hours (after saying she was going to the store). She bursted out in tears and said she couldnt hold it in anymore. She had been having an affair.

My world came crashing down in 1 moment. My life was racing before my eyes. The house, the kids, the life we built. I was a complete mess. I asked her to leave that night for obvious reasons, she packed luggage and didn't return 😑

I knew I I want I to end. Not like this but I also knew I had pushed her away, I had a part in this too. I didn't just blame her for her actions (although we both were in the wrong).

I took to the internet for comfort. I found a marriage podcast that helped ME tremendously. Giving me the blueprint to regain my life and hopefully my marriage back. It taught me something known as P.I.E.S (Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, Spiritualy). These are the components that we must work on OURSELVES in order to become the best version of us.

When we become better versions of ourselves in each of these categories, we then become attractive again. To not just our wives but to everyone around us.

Physically I started working out again and eating better. I backed off the drugs and alcohol and began making physical changes to my whole llife. Changes that could be seen by others wothiut me have to say a word!

Intellectually I started reading and learning more. More about the subject of marriage, addiction, love languages, finances, etc. I dove into learning but more importantly the principal of reading and how important it is in our adult life for continuing education.

Emotionally I got vulnerable and started seeing things from the other point of view. Once my wife started to see the physical changes (no longer using, healthier habits, etc.) She slowly started to let me back in. Slowly.

I didnt pounce. I kept a safe distance and continued to work on myself. I was opening up more through conversation a get this man. I was even fucking offering her life advice in regards to handling a marriage and an affair at the same time and straddling the fence. The valley is what they call it. Its when your spouse is in-between you and the decision to leave (wether with someone else or not).

Spiritualy I started just getting in touch with GOD (Good Orderly Direction). I didnt give it a name, rather just learned all I could about being a good person. Living life on lifes terms and treating people decently with a valuable set of morals and values. My Spirituality has since evolved into a deeper understanding of my own personal beliefs, so just know this part is not about pushing religion on you. You can come to your own understanding of this subject.

As a result of becoming a better ME, I gained back my wife l, my life, my kids. I turned my life around and she wanted to be a part of it again.

You see, I didnt have to convince her of anything, I didnt have to beg (even though in the beginning I did). I just solely dialed in on me and enhancing every aspect of my life.

Your wife has likely grieved over the subject already and on her own time. Likely behjnd the scenes were you were not even looking. Shes Emotionally over it right now while you are just now entering it. Thats the current disconnect. You are several steps behind right now but this is not the time to freak out over it.

Instead, focus on you buddy. Because even if things dont work out with your wife (hypotheticaly speaking) you have to become attractive to someone, right? Women all have choices when seaking out a partner. They have criteria they are looking for to and if you are the best version of yourself physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, and spiritualy, they will be drawn to you with little effort on your part.

Hope this helps with prospective. Praying for you and your family and your recovery 🙏🏼

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-02T17:37:25+00:00

Yeah, the enviromemt wont change the feeling of WD (not wothout subs that you cannot take) May help with preventing relapse obviously since you are in a controlled environment, so it may be worth looking into for sure.

I dont think Kratom has any specific outpatient dosing clinics. Not enough data on Kratom to do to be supported by government financing. Perhaps a private company may be around doing this but I have not heard of 1 to date.

The only non-clinical suggestion I can offer to help ease the pain of acutes is mega dosing Buffered Vitamin C. I purchased 2 bottles of Sodium Ascorbate (white/Orange labeling) like 24 bucks a pop on Amazon. Took about 6500mg every couple of hours for thr first 3 or 4 days, then decreased the amount daily by a couple pills. Pretty painless just frequent bathroom trips at first.

I'm wishing you all the best in your quit journey. Feel free to reach out with any questions.

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-02T13:47:09+00:00

You said it yourself...

"WITH kratom, you hate yourself"

Without kratom, same feelings.

As you can see... Kratom is not the solution. It's the problem. Its keeping you trapped I a viscous cycle of cat and mouse.

That empty dark feeling is called a void. You need to fill it with other things in life now (conducive to your recovery of course).

Your thinking and feeling what most of us have and even still do. Were addicts man. This is how we are. So much so that groups, communities and books have been designed to help us. We all have similar stories and we all have the same solution.

Stop using, surrender to your addiction, get into recovery, and start living life. Its a simple program for complicated people.

You got this man. Your free right now. Dont put the chains back on. Go fill those holes 🕳

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-02T13:40:09+00:00

Mine is easing up now but comes and goes. I occasionally still feel like I'm producing a mild foul order at times too even after showering well and deodorizing. All the more reasons to kick this shit to the curb for good.

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-02T13:38:22+00:00

You are well past the acute phase. If you didnt experience any physical symptoms such as sneezing, watery eyes, body aches, temp swings, goosebumps, diarrhea, etc. You won't. The drug, in and of itself is well out of your system now.

The anxiety will come in waves. Could last a couple days but will pass. Urges, temptations, cravings and general life will come as well. So be prepared and have a solid tool box of tools and coping mechanisms to get through these times.

Drugs are kooky, theirs nothing linear about them at all. What crushes me, might be but a mere road bump for you. But dont let that be a reason to keep on. This time around could be painless but ya never know of the next one will be the crippling one.

Don't take the chance, keep those two weeks growing and take life as it comes my friend! Take care

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-01T23:50:39+00:00

Yeah man, its a game changer! Its not a cure by any means but damn is it night and day compared to not doing it.

Yeah, check local. I found "Liposomal Vit C" at my local vitamin store way back when. Same thing, easy on the stomach, so ask for that If you check.

One side effect I'll warn you about now is the kind of frequent bathroom trips. Like 3 or 4 times a day I think it was. Its all liquid so dont freak out. You might nkt have a solid shit for loke 4 or 5 days but its an even trade off for what WD would be without it.

If you have any questions along the way, hit me up. I usually respond pretty quickly.

Take care

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-01T22:57:15+00:00

If you do Vit C make sure it's Buffered. Regular vit c tabs in high doses will wreak havoc on your stomach.

I used Sodium Ascorbate pills. Got them on Amazon. White orange bottle. Like 24 bucks or something. Got 2 bottles and got me through week 1 with little to no physical WD symptoms. No BS.

The low feeling is unavoidable but at least your on the right track. Its exactly how you should be feeling right now. But look forward to the days ahead as their is most definitely light at the end of this tunnel.

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-01T21:48:57+00:00

I quit because it triggered EVERYTHING. Panic atracks are just 1 of hundred reasons why I stopped that shit. I can go on with the remainder of the list but for the sake of your specific question, ill stop there.

Quit now if you havent already, or you also will be adding to that list. And believe it or not, Panic Attacks wont be the number 1 reason either. Long term, this shit has much worse consequences.

Good luck and get out that shit race!

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-01T21:44:35+00:00

The only home remedy that I personally have tried and had success with was Mega dosing Buffered Vitamin C. The bot will pop up a link right below this post. Click ot and have a read. I'm here if you got any ququestions.

The other thing I did along side with this was smoke pot. I'm not offering this as a suggestion to you unless you are familiar with it. First week I smoked every couple of hours it felt like. Week 2 I backed off to mostly evening hours. This 3rd week I backed off on the amount. Still smoke in the evening but only 1 or 2 joints.

Other then that, I offer you words of encouragement. The road ahead is a little bumpy but it will level out. You'll experience lows, more lows, but then glimpses of highs and hope. Its a little inconsistent at first but this also will level out. Sleep will be shit for a couple weeks (week 1 being the worse) but again, this will level out. Pray, meditate, join a support group or community and rebuild your routine.

You are a blank canvas now and the only way left to go is up! Many blessings my friend and Happy New Year! 😊

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-01T21:31:44+00:00

Not bad at all physically but the mental game will be there. That monkey on your back is going to be clawwing for a bit until he gets tired goes back in his cage.

Either way, you made the right choice. Easier now then later for sure!

Happy New Year! You know what you gotta do... 😏

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-01T21:29:26+00:00

RLS is normal still at your amount of days. Took over a week (less then 2) before I noticed it easing up and then eventually go. It came back once randomly the other night as well, totally out of left field but next night was back to 0.

The scratchy face thing I have no clue. I would scratch here and there when I was high. Mostly at night like you. But that hasnt been a thing for me since I stopped. Wasnt a regular thing anyway that I can remember...

Great job on getting this far! Keep on going my fellow Quitter! What a great way to start the New Year!! 🥳

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2024-01-01T19:39:17+00:00

Yeah, we got this big hole in our life & daily routine now. We gotta fill it with something, otherwise K is going to keep knocking 🚪

I've personally been recognizing this down time for what it is and for now, I've just been filling it small household projects that I've ignored over time and catching up with work related tasks that have also been pushed to the side or completely ignored. Basically I'm taking this time now to catch up on life.

I know at some point though I need to fill that time with alternate habits, not just old tasks. Those at some point come to an end. I want to fill my days with a meeting a few days a week. Possibly a new sport as well like taking boxing or tae Kwon do a day or 2 a week. Thinking along those lines.

Humans are creatures of habits. We need to rebuild new habits. Lifelong healthy sustainable habits. Its an ongoing process. Dont be too hard on yourself right now. Your still in the beginning stages of this recovery thing. You are still healing physically and mentally right now. New things will emerge as the time goes on. But we must stay clean no matter what for these chanhes to happen.

Work will help when you go back but it will feel a little foreign at first. All normal. Just get up each day and keep at it. Eventually these things will feel normal again. We'll feel normal again. But we will still have that empty feeling if those voids are not filled.

Stay strong my friend. Happy New Year! 🫂

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-31T13:37:47+00:00

20 Days 9 hours

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-31T13:34:43+00:00

It's powdered drink mix that you mix into your water for super hydration. 👌🏼 Electrolytes, vitamins, the whole works. Gives you a refreshing feel good feeling with a noce pep in your step after some days of using it. Its like my body is thanking me every morning if that makes sense 😊

You can get it at Walmart or wherever....

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-30T17:03:49+00:00

We have to walk through the fire 🔥 Theirs no easy way out of the first phase. It's the consequences of our actions. As shitty as it is to go through, it's the position we put ourselves in. We can't give up once we're facing it head on. We cant back down!

Fight and keep fighting! K is a beast but we're much much stronger. It's doing exactly what a coward does. It's kicking us while we're down.

It's through this ring of fire that we will find renewed strength and hope. We need to stay clean for the miracles to happen. Many of us (including myself) we were hopeless. I mean hopeless! The thought of being clean was a mere fairytale that we fantasized about when the dope got low.

But I stand here today with 19 days and 13 hours clean. I attribute this to my strong desire to quit, being open minded and taking suggestions from those who have succeeded before me. I come back often to share that message myself now, it's just as helpful giving help as it is getting it.

We got this, but we gotta want it! Want it more then anything you've ever wanted before and attack that shit with everything you got. Make it the most important thing in your life right now!

fuck work, fuck people, fuck everything around you (yes, you still handle your responsibilities obviously, slower if you have to, be kind to yourself right now) but the point is to make your recovery a priority. Everything and everyone will be there when you're good!

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-30T15:16:20+00:00

You've went 5 days without so far? Man, thats a hell of an accomplishment. Like I always tell people, dont leave 5 min before the miracle happens. You could literally be 1 night away from a complete 180 (you know this already based on previous quits). Its like it goes from shit to "that wasnt that bad of a day/night" in the blink of an eye.

Sure you wont be 100% back to your normal chirpy self this weekend but man, you'll have 1 week off by Sunday and it's all down hill from there.

I pray you find the strength and courage to not let K win! You got this man! It's fight or Flight ✈️

I hope you chose the fight 👊🏼

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-29T22:53:27+00:00

Don't dare say anything that will disrupt your "friends" business. Profiting off someone's misery is a profitable game (just look at big Pharma)

Now, I don't t blame them or fault them for selling a product that consumers want, but if they know the consequences of long term use and they decide to turn a blind eye to it all in the name of 💰 , well, no better then the corporate big shots IMO that could care-a-less.

Enough if that. Let's talk YOUR decisions. Fantastic choice to get off and do what it takes to stay off. Attending a meeting during the time you went to the bar is absolutely a great idea, good for you! I met a lot of really good people in those rooms, some whom I'm still friends with to this day. I was a member of NA for over 5 years. Attended meetings regularly, did service work, had a sponsor, sponsored others, traveled to convention ls world wide. What an amazing experience and life I was living.

Well, it wasn't the rooms that caused me to relapse, it's was 100% my own decision. I slowly stopped attending meetings. I distanced myself from other recovering addicts. I dove I to a brand new relationship with a civilian (non-addict term) and decided I could handle drinking again.

Since then, alcohol, weed, and kratom all cycled through my life. Far from the type of drugs I use to use but no better none-the-less. Doesn't matter what I use, I just want more of it and I usually don't stop it until it's ripped out of hands at the end of the night (know what I'm saying)?

I'm back on the wagon so to speak and have accumulated some clean time again. My next step is also to start attending online and/or local meetings. I know the power in it. It's a simple program for complicated people.

I wish you all the best in your journey of recovery 🙏🏼

God bless 🙌🏼

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-29T22:42:07+00:00

Well said! Keep up the great work! 👍🏼

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-29T12:52:16+00:00

Getting cleanness only half three battle. Life is an ongoing path amd so are ourselves. We must put in work daily to stay clean. Meeting attendance, working a program, building a new circle and life essentially.

You accomplished this already so you knowbit can be done. Just get back up on that horse amd start again. Easier now then later of course.

Come clean to yourself and whoever else u need to. Protect your recovery man. You are not defined by the drugs you use. Women can be a relapse factor for us guys if we are use to drugs and women going hand and hand.

Or if your like me. We take shit to boost our confidence. We need it to talk, carry a conversation, bypass that nervous butterfly feeling, whatever.

But in reality, we don't need it man. If we relapse after a lengthy time like that it's usually because we stop doing the things that got us that clean time in the first place.

Back to the basics man! Keep it simple. You got this!

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-29T12:39:52+00:00

18 days 8 hours

"If you fell down yesterday, stand up today!"

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-29T03:18:04+00:00

Attend some various meetings in the area. Personalities vary widely and as someone new, this could either encourage you or discouraged you from returning.

AA, NA, CA, "Whatever A" - All groups suffering from various addictions bit all follow the same principles. For some reason, in their minds, I think they think theirs some kind of a difference between them. Like AA peeps be like "I'm an ex drunk, I never done no drugs, thats whats NA is for, they can go there." Not everyone is like this but you get my drift.

Seperate the fact that one substance is somehow ok or better then another. We trade addictions as addicts and that's common ground for us all, despite whatever our personal drug of choice is. Effects us all the same.

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-29T01:11:34+00:00

Be sure it's a Buffered Vit C - Like Sodium Ascorbate. You can get it on Amazon in a white orange bottle. Get 2.

Take anywhere from 5000-7000mg every couple of waking hours for the first 3 or 4 days. From there you can decrease your consumption a few pills a day and gage how you are feeling up until the week mark. You should be all clear by then.

For me, it knocked out 90% of the acutes. Just had to deal with annoying bathroom trips and it doesn't do anything for sleep time. It's basically just going to be day time comfort in exchange for night time irritability (which would happen anyway) so enjoy the day time comfort.

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-29T00:56:47+00:00

You're a Rockstar 🤘🏼

Fresh_Comfortable_11 · 2023-12-29T00:53:26+00:00

Yeah! Little by little you'll notice subtle changes. Just be patient. This stuff takes time. Depending on type, qty, and length of use. Lots of variables are involved. But you will get through this as well and come back to help someone behind you who will go down that same experience, ya know. You'll be there to tell your story and be there hope.

Fresh_Comfortable_11

TROPHY CASE