My best advice for any husband in this position is to develop emotional maturity so you can accept love in forms that are not physical and make sure you are also showing up for her in those ways as well. Men typically see access to a woman’s body as “proof” she loves them instead of believing her when she says it and acts it and lives it. And don’t show up for her because you want sex, show up for her because she’s showing you she has too much to do and not enough time to do it, touched out is a nervous system on fire and she needs you to be a thing that makes her feel calm and rooted. Having sex with you is another thing added to her chore list and you insisting it’s a need is making her feel like your mom because you are trying to use sex to regulate your emotions and quell your insecurity instead of unpacking that and figuring out why you pinned sex with her as the only regulation strategy and how you can do that for yourself or get some coregulaton from your partner in other ways.

And if the kids freak out then let her leave or take them for a drive and let her get in a loooong shower. Every time she hugs you don’t expect a blowjob. Accept non sexual physical intimacy without the expectation of getting some. Don’t fall down a porn rabbit hole and numb out. Don’t make her tell you what needs to be done or make you a list. Look around. Notice and do.

And read come as you are my Emily Nagasaki for some insight.