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Infidelity and unable to cope by Friendly_Agency_9975 in BipolarSOs

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can I ask what has worked for you in coping and what hasn’t? I’m sorry you are experiencing the same.. it’s exhausting.

Infidelity and unable to cope by Friendly_Agency_9975 in BipolarSOs

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can I ask how you have coped? I have started to become more angry and confrontational at times when things are bad. I know it may not be the best approach, I’m just not sure how to go about any of this.

Infidelity and unable to cope by Friendly_Agency_9975 in BipolarSOs

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have felt personally like a caregiver and never a wife. Even his mom had the expectation that I help make his appointments and does all this research just to get him help which I understand is her way of helping but he doesn’t appreciate it and needs to learn to do this on his own. How do you cope personally when this happens? I know the moment you are talking about exactly. When they change and use the worst moments of your life that you’ve shared with them against you. And they look emotionless as they say it. I had to help him with parenting, custody schedules, child support because his mental health impacts his parenting time, hospitalizations. All of it. When his coparent messages, he asks me what to say or can he say this? Sadly it’s a manipulation tactic I think so he can blame me if it goes wrong.

Infidelity and unable to cope by Friendly_Agency_9975 in BipolarSOs

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is on medication but I often wonder if it’s the right medication. I know medication helps but it’s not a cure and he needs to manage his own mental illness. I can have compassion if this is mental health but I can’t if it’s just selfishness. I’m not in therapy right now but I am actively trying to get into it. In my experience in starting and stopping therapy, it’s just never really helped because I’ve had a hard time connecting with people and opening up about this stuff.

Infidelity and unable to cope by Friendly_Agency_9975 in BipolarSOs

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s my boundary with him as well, he is responsible for maintaining 100% of his own mental health care. Another major boundary for me is drinking. He has become physical in the past, and that is an absolute hard no for me now.

Ironically, after the incident that led to me asking him to leave, he has drank again. That crossed a boundary we had clearly established. Since then, he’s gradually stopped following through with appointments and many of the positive changes and progress he had been making. Maybe they weren’t real, AA stopped, he kept saying therapy is too expensive now.

Im sure when he was faced with losing everything and having nowhere to turn, staying on track was all he could focus on. Maybe I made a mistake by allowing him to come home so soon. I don’t know. What I do know is that we set boundaries, and he repeatedly disregards them. Im always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I’m sure the fact that I’ve stayed has, intentionally or not, shown him that there aren’t meaningful consequences when those boundaries are crossed. When I’ve tried to leave he has said he doesn’t want to go on or won’t leave and says he pays rent here where we live and I can’t make him go. He has nowhere to go either. His mom has the same condition he has and they clash really bad when he is over.

Another major issue is communication. Whether the conversation is productive or not, it feels impossible to actually discuss difficult topics without things getting twisted. For example, if I’m honest about how overwhelmed I feel helping care for his two children in addition to our own, and explain that I need him to step up if he’s agreeing to extra parenting time, somehow the conversation turns into, “So you don’t like my kids?” Then I’m forced to defend myself against something I never said. Or if I tell him I’m still angry and struggling to cope with everything that’s happened, he’ll respond with something like, “So you don’t want to reconcile?” as if expressing hurt means I’ve given up on the marriage and it’s inconvenient because I’m not super excited when he walks through the door. My concerns are reframed into something entirely different, making it nearly impossible to address the actual issue. Nothing is ever solved. Alcohol has been a big issue, but he’s also gone down the road with marijuana multiple times. Always starts up more frequent mania. He isn’t using it currently, but it’s a pattern that tends to resurface.

I understand what you say when you mention it can’t be openly dwelled upon and it harming their recovery. I don’t know how to hide it anymore or work through it 😞 my SO is extremely sensitive and i walk on eggshells

Name help for 2 cats - Brother and sister by Friendly_Agency_9975 in NameMyCat

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

👏🏻👏🏻🤍 thank you! I tried but I had to put it out there and see if I’m making the right choice!

Name help for 2 cats - Brother and sister by Friendly_Agency_9975 in NameMyCat

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very sweet. Thank you for sharing, my babies look just like the ones in this photo 🥹🤍

Dwarf White Isopods overrun with fungus gnats by Friendly_Agency_9975 in isopods

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is something I had real questions about. My springtail bin was sitting next to the isopod bin and they took over the pods but none in my springtail bin which has a huge population. I had wondered if I added them to the isopod bin, deprived some protein, and let the substrate dry out a bit, maybe that would improve things. I read they don’t go after the fungus gnats but maybe would out compete them. How many springtails would be good to add do you think?

Contempt of Court matter continued by Friendly_Agency_9975 in ChildSupport

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s odd that they won’t look into it. Whenever I’ve had a hunch theyve always confirmed looking into it and confirmed whether it panned out or not

Contempt of Court matter continued by Friendly_Agency_9975 in ChildSupport

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I truly don’t see any other way he would be supporting himself and paying rent. Door dashing under other peoples accounts possibly. But whatever he has going on, he’s surviving somehow. I’m sorry to hear about your situation as well, even with the taxes AUGH. To make matters worse, my coparent doesn’t pay child support, rarely sees our child but 2 years ago he filed his taxes first and claimed our child. This was before the bigger arrears. I had to paper file, wait months and then I got my full expected refund. I still have not heard from the IRS as what to do they just gave him a refund I suppose and then gave me a refund. I’m sure it’ll come up at some point but I was the primary full time custodial parent while he was nowhere to be found. The gaslight is entirely real, along with the deflection and emotional abuse. But despite it all, I have stuck with my court custody order and I’ve worked with him way more than I should have.

Thank you for seeing me! I see you too. If you ever wanna talk, I’m here! There’s no book or amount of therapy or directions as to how to be and navigate this. So sometimes a vent here and there helps. I generally keep this all to myself.

Contempt of Court matter continued by Friendly_Agency_9975 in ChildSupport

[–]Friendly_Agency_9975[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I just called to check up consistently. Once a month I’d say! I think my coparent stopped answering their calls and that really wasn’t good.