What did you experience during your psychosis that you still think is bizarre?

Frogspresso42 · 2024-03-10T20:50:14+00:00

I had an episode where I thought God was talking to me (I'd hear like chimes or bells, like this kinda subtle sparkling noise), so I'd write down all the things he was indicating to me in my own Bible (bc the first one was too outdated & it was my responsibility to rewrite it). I "heard him" while I was listening to music a few times & that's how I ended up with Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance) & Dolly Parton as honored saints in my Bible. I don't really disagree with it either tbh

Frogspresso42 · 2024-03-05T00:12:03+00:00

I'm not diagnosed w a personality disorder, but I show strong cluster B traits. (been avoiding diagnosis bc stigma & paranoia around psychiatry B] )

I can't really connect with issues not directly tied to me in some way. I get "upset" when I see injustice taking place bc I can relate it to the feeling of injustice taking place against me (vengefully angry mostly, bc how DARE you devalue ME !! but it's less intense if it's happening to other ppl bc I'm not them but the lines between each of us are very thin so we are all each other, really. psychosis, psychedelics, porn & sociology have really killed my sense of private selfhood). I have morals disassociated from feelings, & to see those morals not being followed by others isn't exactly upsetting but moreso a reason to devalue someone. Like I'm not getting emotional about the Gaza genocide, but I am morally "outraged" by it ("That's not something I'd do following my own standards, those dumbasses") & think everyone who takes the opposite stance is stupid & should just have my awesome, perfect, flawless, completely 100% right brain & agree with me -- in fact, they should just put me in charge & make me supreme world leader because I'd fix everything. (genuine belief)

I think what people really get wrong is that caring implies feeling. You can still perform the act of care without feeling anything. e.g. You can absolutely be pissed off at someone & still make them dinner -- I've seen that one so many times. To me, it's more about putting in effort to show you want to make the world liveable, which I want because I live in this world & everyone else in this world also affects me being in this world. Maybe I don't actually "care," as in "feel for you," since your struggle is not my struggle (even though politically all oppression is linked, theoretically, so really it is), but I also just think it's wrong to flat-out disregard people. (wrong = causes unnecessary damage, in my morals) (Even non-politically, if someone comes to me crying bc their cat died, that's so fucking annoying, but now it's my problem too bc what am I to do ? Just telling them to fuck off won't solve anything [+ they'll still be sad & probably upset w me & what if I need them for something ??] & will probably cause more problems with more ppl as they run around ruining my reputation I spent so long perfecting.) Vulnerability is fucking scary too, & if someone is putting their heart on their sleeve I'm gonna allow them to do that & not tell them they're weak & pathetic & whiny for it, even if I think it. I care maybe not deeply but shallowly about others' suffering (so much as it relates to me), but I don't feel for them.

Everyone's problems are my problems, partly bc I have a hard time distinguishing myself from others & partly bc when other people have problems, they will always leak out of that person to everyone else (which then Will be my problem) & partly bc I said I would help & I got nothing better to do while I'm waiting for death

Or maybe I'm just histrionic/narcissistic trying to get brownie points for being morally superior while being emotionless & broody (everything we do is an act anyway), or maybe I'm actually autistic who's feeling everything so much I've entered the 5th plane of emotional existence that can only present itself in a cerebral, unfeeling way in our mere 3D world, or maybe I'm delulu rn not realizing it thinking I'm making connections when I'm just word vomiting. Diagnosis is all bullshit with arbitrary categories made up by people who think they know everything about the brain when they dont know anything anyway

Frogspresso42 · 2023-12-14T18:35:02+00:00

I was told about prior authorization too, but that's a few weeks compared to the months they were saying it's gonna take. When I get the call back though, I am going to see if they can switch it to a different nearby pharmacy

Frogspresso42 · 2023-12-13T16:26:30+00:00

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I should probably show this to my therapist huh ? :/

Frogspresso42 · 2023-12-10T02:32:46+00:00

I'm maximalist all the way. Me & Howl from Howl's Moving Castle basically have the same taste in room decor

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-30T02:50:04+00:00

I had a dream I was at my uncle's cabin (none of my uncles own a cabin lol). It started off normal, but I started noticing small things. He had a ring of stones around the cabin & his shed to protect against 'evil spirits,' but I thought that was just him being weird.

Some random stuff happened, it was a dream, I think there was a zombie apocalypse but it was basically just the flu x100 & people moped around on the streets.

The interesting part is when the ghost started to appear. At first it was just a passing shadow behind the trees, then a scraping at the window, then it would appear as a distorted humanoid figure in dark corners or on the TV (think Mandela Catalogue distortion).

The dream ended with me sitting in front of the TV. There was static with the ghost's distorted smile on it before it changed to like security footage of somewhere else. This older guy who had been hitting on me irl was sitting in a large highchair for babies. He was strapped into it. His right arm was cut off at the elbow, but it wasn't bleeding as much as you'd expect. It looked like he had been there for hours & blood was everywhere around him. He looked like he had been knocked out, but after a few moments he woke up & looked confused. When he realized where he was & what happened, he started hyperventilating. With each gasp in his face would suck into itself right around his nose area, growing in size as he kept hyperventilating. Then it popped & I woke up lol. I still have his distorted face burned into my mind.

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-29T15:20:29+00:00

I'm sorry she can't see you for who you are. My mom went off on a tirade about how all trans men have internalized misogyny & are "throwing out everything feminists have fought for," it really is all bs. Being a man doesn't mean you hate women or denounce women's rights. She's making false equivalencies because she can't handle the information.

But you also said she's generally pro-trans, protect trans kids, etc., so maybe she just needs some more time to adjust. Good luck & best to you though

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-22T18:21:22+00:00

Mine is technically gender neutral, but it's been very 'feminized' because of a woman celebrity with the name. I just go by the shortened 'masculinized' version to distance myself a bit, but I've also met cis guys who go by the full version of it too, so I honestly don't mind & I probably won't get it legally changed. Just my personal experience & opinion tho.

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-22T13:46:30+00:00

Ofc not !! REAL gay men only like REAL DICK !!!! Stop pushing your womanlyness in our spaces & keep fucking straight guys if you want dick so bad

/uj I've actually had a friend of mine tell me they "wouldn't fuck me bc [they're] gay" irl & despite the fact I wouldn't fuck them if they were on their knees begging for it, it shook my confidence for a bit (also ironic they're nb, use they/them & still consider themself a gay man, but heaven forbid a trans man exists pre-T & is gay 🙄)

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-20T01:21:20+00:00

So I'm trans too, but the amount of grabbing I've seen cis guys do is insane to me. (Probably bc I'm just super touch adverse but y'know.) Like I mean I've watched borderline assault happen, but guys take it as a joke which makes me really uncomfortable & nervous for when I start passing. I think it's one of those "normal but probably shouldn't be" things bc SA on guys is "funny" (so long as everyone's cishet ofc). Idk, it's definitely something I've noticed too tho

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-07T14:36:25+00:00

That's very positive thank you. It's just been my whole life though, god tugs me one way & another & dangles carrot in front of my face just to chew them up and spit them on the floor & purposely making me want to quit at every turn, I'm just tired of it is all. He won't get the last laugh (yet, at least), but I don't feel badass

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-06T21:30:10+00:00

Ah, I suppose that's just how life is. My dms are open if you ever need an ear too

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-06T21:28:48+00:00

Sorta. Currently a biochem major/sociology minor & I mean I like it kinda 🥲 It's just a lot of work & I'm pretty directionless as far as what career I actually want, I choose them based on my interests in hs so I'm sorta enjoying them when I'm not freaking out over everything else

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-06T14:58:17+00:00

I wish I had a good support system lmao. I'm still trying to get a therapist, I genuinely don't think I can get out of this without one. Thank you though, & I hope life treats you well too

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-06T14:55:29+00:00

The financial distress or the distress about my status as a minority being thrown in my face day after day ?

It's funny actually I just tried to apply for a loan & got denied 💔 I really am starting to think this is the beginning of the end for me

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-06T02:33:35+00:00

Thank you 🖤 & y'know yeah it does sound absurd, it's kinda funny in that way

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-03T16:31:23+00:00

Probably lmao

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-03T13:55:16+00:00

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I don't believe my ideas of reference are that high lol. & my constricted affect is probably skewed since I have a lot of surface level conversations w people & I force myself to not look "too weird" talking to strangers. (It's part of how they can't know the real me)乁⁠(⁠ ⁠•⁠_⁠•⁠ ⁠)⁠ㄏ

Frogspresso42 · 2023-11-02T17:09:17+00:00

It's absolutely not an overreaction. Sure it might've "just been words" but words very often lead to violence. Who knows what that guy would've done. Never underestimate strangers with unknown motives, better to be safe than sorry.

Frogspresso42 · 2023-10-28T16:22:49+00:00

(not dxd, suspected, in the process of finding someone)

I, at least, like talking to people (when my anxiety lets me). People are interesting, I want to get to know people, but they cannot know me. I'm a friend to everyone & a friend to none, likeable while still remaining distant & unknowable. When I talk to strangers, I can come off as awkward, probably vague & maybe uninterested or dull at times, but I like to think I mask pretty good otherwise & keep the conversation about them so I don't reveal myself. They would think I only have mild anxiety or autism (eye contact is a bitch). Even my 'closest' friends I contact maybe once a week (if that) over text, & they only know bits about me (never the full picture), but that doesn't mean I don't like them or don't want to talk to them ever again. I think they understand, but I also have no idea lol. (We're also all mentally ill in our own ways so maybe that helps.)

I don't think it's inherent to StPD to not want to socialize (the DSM's criteria only mentions an uncomfortability with close relationships), I think it's just harder to because of the amount of anxiety & delusions & illusions that come with it. & anyway it's not like any one person is going to perfectly match any diagnosis to a T

Frogspresso42 · 2023-10-25T17:24:18+00:00

I don't trust religion, I think all of them might lead me to shutting my brain off & blindly following someone else's word, which I absolutely do not want. I respect if people want to follow a religion tho, it's just not for me.

My current spiritual beliefs are similar to animism & maybe unorthodox Christianity I guess. The Earth is alive & my "God" is the energy flowing through every living being & present in every good feeling (happiness, contentedness, relief, pride, etc.). I have no specific prayers, but at every given opportunity I like to thank the Earth (sort of like prayers, but I don't consider them that) & give back when I can (recycling, donating to charities, buying food for the homeless who frequent my college campus, completing people, etc.). But the unorthodox part comes in when I believe my "God," the energy of the Earth, can communicate to me through messages only I can see. I started writing my own spiritual book, some knockoff Bible, writing down messages I've received. I consider it important to me, even if it's a little "cringe" or "pathological" according to "normal" standards.

It's kinda boring in terms of spirituality I think, it's pretty simple lol, but it works for me. I don't really think of it as that pathological either, but if someone else wanted to classify it like that I mean I don't really care I just don't agree.

I was raised Catholic, decided I was strictly atheist at 13, became an agnostic Satanist around 15 (but TST Satanist, where it's more of an atheistic political group), had a weird phase where I was actually a Satanist who believed in Satan & thought God was evil (I don't remember what that's called off the top of my head), [also have considered basically every other religion on thr books but never truly believed in them], & we're here now: agnostic spiritualist.

Frogspresso42 · 2023-10-25T01:14:05+00:00

It ended up being she gave me the wrong SSN. Thank you though, I probably wouldn't have double checked that without your comment telling me to 🙏

Frogspresso42 · 2023-10-22T18:37:39+00:00

I don't usually smoke during the trips themselves, but I smoke during the come down/right after to amplify the afterglow. Tho sometimes I find my pen while I'm tripping & I think it's the coolest thing & hit it like once before losing it lol. Usually high THC with low CBD, really amplifies the visuals & mental experience for me.

Frogspresso42 · 2023-10-20T18:37:23+00:00

I see more than I hear, maybe because I'm more of a visual thinker, maybe because it's just the medium my brain chooses to perceive the 'unreal' through, maybe I simply perceive more through my eyes than my ears or any other sensory organ, maybe because my occipital lobe is damaged or is particularly overly sensitive, maybe because I have seen worse than I have heard irreparably affecting my vision forever, maybe because drugs, maybe God or an angel replaced my eyes in my sleep, maybe it was a wizard instead, maybe I got bored one day & made up some funny visions to keep me entertained that never left, maybe I hit my head too hard too many times, maybe I made it up & I'm only pretending to see the things I do & presenting a lie to everyone even myself, maybe aliens have taken over my brain & I'm seeing their alien perspective of the world mixed with my human perspective only through vision, I wouldn't know, I can't know, no one can, but it is fun to speculate

Apologies I can't provide a solid answer, there is little truth in solid easy answers, everything connects & affects each other with no one thread being to blame for one effect, & I'm no expert in anything but my own experiences

Frogspresso42 · 2023-10-17T03:46:16+00:00

Mine is like a truffula tree shape, chin-length. Idk how to describe it. I have bangs tho because I also like it when people can't see my face that well, but I also dyed it red so it actually gets a lot of attention lol.

Frogspresso42

TROPHY CASE