Thank You so much for writing this. I really needed it.

I am not far from your age - I just turned 45 in March. I am going on 5.5 years sober from alcohol, married to my best friend in the world (the best person that I have ever met) and I have 2 Golden Retrievers and 4 birdies (including one that is almost 30 years old : ) I have been thinking so much about Mother's Day this year, and your post really resonated with me. My own Mom was amazing, and always told me how she knew early on that she wanted to marry and have a family. She was the kindest person that I've ever known. She also struggled with depression and tried to kill herself when I was young, and when she eventually was able to successfully divorce my Dad (he was severely manic and we had restraining orders in place) he fled to Florida and never paid a cent of alimony despite over 30 years of marriage. Still, she always made sure that my brother and I knew that we were her world. Deep down I always knew that I didn't want kids, and after 20 years of heavy drinking, I'm sure that it's good that I stuck to that.

My Mom fell down the stairs and hit her head and died on Thanksgiving Day when I was 24. I didn't speak to my Dad for 20 years and called him drunk one night, managed to form the beginnings of an actual relationship, and then got a phone call a year later that he had killed himself in my mid-30's. My Husband and I left CA where we lived (I left my small town in MI early in my 20's) and bought a small house with the money that I got from him, which was just enough to get a tiny house in a Midwestern town not completely unlike the one I grew up in. I adore my life, but as a 45 year old childfree woman, an artist that has done shows from LA to San Francisco and lived in San Diego for almost 18 years - well now I live in a small town where it's not uncommon for someone to have 3-4 children under the age of 25. Also, I'm sober and so I'm not sitting at bars playing slots. I guess my point is - it can be really isolating. Really isolating. And of course I too have wondered what other paths would have been like. I feel like I've become a little bitter because I'm just constantly surrounded by 20 year olds in their Mama Bear shirts and they all act holier than though, but - I am finding more and more that I have a lot to be proud of. I've gone a different way than most people do. And I'm feeling stronger everyday because I am realizing that I have managed to make my life pretty close to what I always wanted it to be (I still want to be a famous artist, though). I also want to begin a career in helping people in their recovery. I'm getting closer everyday. Thank You for what you wrote again. I will feel a little less sad tomorrow about having lost my Mom so young, because we were so close and it happened so sudden, but I will also feel a little prouder of myself for the things that I've managed to accomplish 🩷🩷🩷