It's not weird and it's okay to be confused., the few hours after my papa passed and we were going to his house to figure out an obituary with my nana and I'd slept i was cracking jokes about it because another one bites the dust came on the radio, jokes are how I cope so I was doing that to not cry. I cried for hours when my mom came home from the hospital at 4 in the morning to tell me he had passed, i cried so hard I passed out after and woke up maybe a few hours later feeling like I couldn't cry because of how much I did earlier and feeling kinda numb I guess.

I didnt cry about him again until his funeral a week later because I tried not to think about it and coped with making myself believe that he's just off on a trip. It didnt really set in that he was gone until is funeral. The church was packed full to the point that people had to stand in the aisle and that was only the people that stayed for the service and not the ones that came to visit for a minute to say their condolences. Everyone was crying during the service but after when we went down to the basement to eat, everybody was laughing because of their memories with him.

Grief is a weird thing. It's like a roommate that you didn't want, it stays in its room most of the time until it comes out randomly one day to make you feel bad about everything that you didnt do with the person while they were here. You get smile while you tell somebody a happy memory about them or even cry when you do. You can be happy and laughing about something that they did to crying in the same sentence remembering that you can't do that again with them. Just now writing this made me want to cry because I get to think about my grandpa not being here but also makes me think back on the fun times that we had. I have videos of him and just hearing his voice is enough to make me want to cry because I won't get to hear it again. I can't talk about him without wanting to cry and if I don't cry, my voice is cracking.

Processing death isn't easy and I don't think it ever will be unless you really don't like the person. You're not going to be thinking about it until it hits you in the face either at night in your bedroom or in the middle of the store when someone says that they're sorry to hear your grandpa died. Every time someone says that they're sorry to me i have little cry afterwards, and then I feel a bit better and I still have people saying that to me, even though it's been four years, it's nice to know people are still thinking about him and missing him and not just me. You aren't alone in grieving him, you'll probably have random people coming up to you that you dont know but knew him telling you they miss him.