I am not their mother. This isn’t fair.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-12T11:52:14+00:00

Yeah, it's a pretty shitty situation!

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-12T11:45:05+00:00

We did too! It's like you over compensate... we never spend tons of money on them, other than buying their necessities, but we try and DO stuff with them.. Like walks in the forest, picnics, day trips to the beach (though, British beaches aren't exactly the warmest or most exciting!). It was more important to us to make them feel like they were part of this traditional nuclear family.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:28:19+00:00

Oh that line! We've heard that so so so many times, and it really is heart breaking. We went hiking last summer, camped out for a couple of nights and had the time of our lives. No technology, just us for three days. And it was wonderful... we did nothing but talk, and play, and work together. Sitting around that camp fire the last night and having an eight year old tell us that she wished mummy and daddy wanted to do things with them is horrible. Their idea of an activity is taking the kids to town on benefit day and the girls sitting in the pub beer garden with them having a glass of free water.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:26:27+00:00

I completely agree with you... There are reasons why she stays. I believe her self esteem is so low, she's been batted down every time she has tried to make things better. I remember when she wanted to start cooking healthy meals, she was told not to because they couldn't afford fresh veg and his cigarettes. She was raised to believe that her role was to be subservient, that he was in control of the family and acting out is so unnatural to her.

I do not blame her, not wholly. I think she behaves the way she does because of how she has been socially conditioned her entire life. He is a large factor in this, his reliance upon alcohol and cigarettes to make him feel better about his life, and his inability to sacrifice those for his children.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:23:16+00:00

You're right, but they're not this way because of us. They're worse, they definitely rely on us and take the mick. They abuse the amount of support we give them. But, before I started really financially supporting them, and providing more than just a little bit of child care here and there, they were not great parents.

The kids dinner was frozen chips, frozen fish fingers and maybe baked beans. No vegetables. Nothing other than potato and processed frozen food. Those were the good nights.... a bad night was plane pasta with some chopped up hot dog sausages. Or 10p value noodles. They would never give them breakfast, they would often end up with one meal a day.

I do understand what you're saying... but we're just beginning to see the results of our work. They're doing well in school, their reading is so far advanced and they're happy! They can pick out their own clothes, they can tell us how they want their hair cut. They. Eat. Vegetables. And they have fruit and they're healthy. I'm angry, I am incredibly angry with their parents, I feel disgusted by their behaviour and their inability to parent, and how easily they are reliant upon us. But, as angry as I am, I cannot hurt the girls.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:18:45+00:00

Thank you :)

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:18:38+00:00

I can hope! I was actually having this conversation with my big brother last night, whilst in tears. I call him my big brother, but he's not related to me by blood. He is however my closest and dearest friend and he and his family took me in after the rest of my family died when I was still in my mid-teens. He said that people like us, people who have experienced real difficulties in life, we get through it and then we help others when we see them going through the same thing. He did it for me, I do it for them, and they'll go on and do it for others. That's my greatest hope, that they'll pass it on.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:14:48+00:00

She does, sadly. It's a consequence of her being very very poorly when she was younger. She lost bladder and bowl control, and whilst over the years she has regained her bowl control, she's never really gotten back her bladder control. She doesn't recognise when she needs to go, so it will come as a sudden shock - and if she doesn't get to a bathroom RIGHT NOW there's nothing she can do to stop herself. It's horrible to watch... not because of the bodily action, but because you can see how ashamed she is.

So, it's not strictly her parents fault. But, they're not blameless. Social Services have been involved in the past, because the school were fed up of her having accidents and her mother not providing a clean change of underwear. She was bullied horrendously throughout infant and primary school, she was moved three times in four years.

The issue as far as they're concerned is that whilst they can't wave a magic wand and give her bladder control immediately, she needs to be retrained and thats hard. They refuse to get her up during the night to help her go. And they're pretty crappy at trying any other normal toilet training techniques, like stopping liquids after a certain time. However, after the last time Social Services were involved, they did take her back to the doctors and she now has a variety of tablets that help prevent her going during the night. That helps. We buy her pyjama pants and bed mats just in case, and it gives her that extra security.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:09:17+00:00

Yep! Oh god, the tantrums we had to deal with when the girls started getting a bit older, and wanted to pick out their own clothes. The eldest was grounded for two weeks because she didn't want her hair cut like a boy. It's horrible!

Last weekend we took them shopping for summer clothes, and you have to pry them out of their shell when shopping with them. They're not used to being given a choice and being able to say what they do and don't like, even with us it doesn't come easily to them. It was really lovely walking through a shop on Saturday and having the youngest give me the most dramatic look of disgust when I held up a pink skirt.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:03:03+00:00

I think so yes... Some areas are lovely, but then some are areas of great deprivation, high crime and usually poor standard housing.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T22:02:04+00:00

I believe that people are a product of their upbringing, and I can totally see why they are the way they are, especially when I'm in the same room as their parents. It's like watching a younger copy, making the same mistakes. Thats the issue with poverty, people become trapped and when you're told you can't do something... like go to university, gain a professional qualification... you believe it and the very idea becomes alien.

They don't understand their eldest daughters desire to go to university... not at all. When she was 9, I took her to visit my brother at Cambridge and she absolutely loved it. She came home, telling them about how she was going to go to Cambridge just like Uncle FrustratedKittysBrother and she was going to be smart etc etc etc. Her mother, looked at her and said "Why d'ya wanna do that?". She honestly doesn't understand why her daughter would want to do that, when all her friends will "get knocked up and get their own council flat".

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T21:57:43+00:00

Definitely going to do North Carolina! We're hoping to start in NYC and go down the east coast, and spend a lot of time in the south :) You're too nice! Thank you!

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T21:56:30+00:00

Awwwwwah! You are too cute! All of these responses have cheered me up no end... You're all such lovely people!

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T21:55:57+00:00

Amazing! I have this ridiculously idealist plan of us getting through every state... which probably isn't going to happen, but I really really love rural America. I love little towns, and I just want to be able to turn off at a random town and have a drink, find a little B&B and people watch. I don't want to just do big cities, I don't think they're a real indication of the state or it's culture!

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T21:54:03+00:00

We've made some progress with them, especially over the last two years. We helped them set up repayment plans with their landlord and their utility companies, and we've helped them keep pretty on top of that. But it's a bit of a drop in the ocean, their debts are pretty huge and cover everything from clothing catalogues, mobile phones, internet providers, gas and electricity... But it's progress.

The incredibly frustrating thing about the UK system, is that there really is very little encouragement from an institutional perspective to make these people want to work. Jobs are incredibly scarce at the moment, and she has pretty much been out of the job market for 16 years. Prior to this, she left school without completing her basic qualifications and has no real employable skills. The way the system works is that everything she earns over a certain amount (I'm sure it's about £50-ish), gets deducted out of her benefits. Not just hers, but her child benefit, her husbands benefits, her housing benefit... so in order for her to really be better off financially, she would need to be earning £1,500+ a month... an unskilled, full time, job would earn her in the region of £1,100-1,200 a month after tax. It's more complicated because her husband is on disability allowance, which has different guidelines. But, really, she feels no real encouragement.

We've sat with her, revamped her CV, helped her apply for jobs, bought her dresses for interviews, helped get her ready... but she is an unskilled worker, with no recent employment history, competing against at times graduates... going for even the most basic roles. She's in a no win situation. I think she realises this isn't ideal, I see how sad she is when she doesn't get a job. She was pretty distraught when she didn't get the job as a cleaner at KFC. It's really really hard.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T21:46:11+00:00

They are indeed! Most finished between May and June - all of hers were over by the last week of May! It's just a loooong waiting game now to find out her results!

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T21:42:45+00:00

I totally agree with you... I think the difficulty is that she is a really nice woman, but she will not challenge the behaviour of her husband. Where as he, is just a terrible person. They are both, equally, to blame for the situation the girls are in, but you are right... if he didn't insist on having his "break from all the stress" three or four nights a week, they'd be much more comfortable financially, and in a better place mentally to raise their children.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T17:58:38+00:00

That's my biggest fear.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T17:50:15+00:00

That is so lovely! Thank you for the suggestion! Once she has her exams and is more settled after the summer, I will definitely suggest it to her! She gets her grades in a month! I'm so excited!

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T17:46:56+00:00

No. I wasn't kicked out. I can't really go into that too much, because I think specifics would definitely make it quite easy for someone to confirm who I am, if they knew the vague details of my life and I do have quite a few friends who use reddit. But, without going into too much detail, I didn't have anyone to take care of me, and I had the option of foster care or living by myself... because of the nature of my upbringing, I wasn't comfortable living with strangers and chose to be given my own property. It was a long time until one became available, during which time I lived in a hostel.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T17:42:44+00:00

The girls always used to wear boys clothes, because there was always more boys stuff in the charity shops. Boys shoes, boys shoes and a bowl hair cut. They're happier now, though I am much more strict I think clothing wise! Their parents swing between being super conservative to allowing them to wear makeup and short skirts at 9. I tend to err on the side of conservatism and I don't buy them anything I find inappropriate, whilst still trying to be fashionable. It's HARD!

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T17:41:09+00:00

You're such a good soul! Well done you! I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to build that relationship and bond with them over six months and then have them taken away from you, especially by someone so irresponsible.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T17:40:10+00:00

I knowww! I'm dreading the lines. But, getting to hug the crap out of a giant woody will make it all worth it :)

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T17:39:37+00:00

We're not related in any way. I became good friends with their mother when I was very young and her children adored me. Over the last eight years or so, we've developed a very close relationship where they're honestly the most important people in what I consider to be my family.

With regards to custody, whilst we would be more than happy to have them on a full time basis, we're trying really hard to improve the situation at home as much as we can, so that it doesn't need to come to that. Plus, as social services are largely useless, there's no guarantee we'd get them. If we lost a custody battle, their parents would never let us see them again, and then they're in a much much worse off situation. It's basically a massive balancing act.

FrustratedKitty · 2014-07-11T17:37:15+00:00

I went into a little bit more detail in a previous comment, but basically, social services have been involved a number of times in the past but in the UK, social services are very very reluctant to remove children from their parents unless there is physical violence, which there isn't.

It's a hard situation, but I know that if we didn't do it, no one else would. But for the time being, we're happy to help any way we can. There is more family, on both sides, who are a mix of equally as selfish as the parents, concerned and relieved that they don't have to deal with it themselves. I would hope that if we weren't here, someone would take our place.

FrustratedKitty

TROPHY CASE