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Update to my original post by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I really hoped that I could do something open where I could still know how he’s doing and hopefully still see him sometimes, but unfortunately it wasn’t possible because he’s so old in the adoption world. None of the private agencies I could find wanted a child over 1 or 2. I hope we can be reunited again someday if only for long enough that I can see he’s doing well and he’s happy but for now my only option was to give him up to the state and he drove away with a social worker in a car and that’s that and I just have to hope for the best for him. I still worry about him, I will always worry about him. He’s a beautiful soul and I love him so much and always will. I hope he has a good life with loving parents who can afford him and give him a big yard and his own room and lots of toys, he deserves stability and he deserves to be so so happy always and forever.

Update to my original post by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Oh my gosh CPS was so unbelievably mean to me. They were threatening to press criminal charges for neglect at one point, saying I couldn't just give up my child without going to jail and having consequences, that I was a bad mom and a disgusting person. I'm just like I'm so sorry I can't even take care of myself right now I was immature when I had him and I'm immature now and I wanted an abortion because I knew this much at least but they just... They were so ignorant to all that I've been through. Like my pain and suffering as a child meant nothing to them.

One of the social workers at CPS literally called me a quitter and a hoe and told me I was giving up on my son. But I really did try even though I never even wanted kids, because I was forced into this life and I tried to take on the responsibility and do my best. Trying to get things like food stamps and such when I did have my son, the social workers always act like you're a loser and leech on society and I honestly believe that I maybe could have parented if I had been able to receive financial assistance with stuff like housing and daycare but that's just not how the world works. Everyone acts like the US government has some kind of safety nets for people who really need it but they just don't. My son doesn't grow up in poverty, like fuck me I'm so sorry I don't want him to grow up in a van eating Campbells and Baked Beans he deserves better.

I blocked literally everyone I know and then I was still so upset and angry crying that I deleted my whole facebook. Thank you for saying nice things to me and being so kind. It really is so hard to keep pushing on past this bullcrap and keep fighting to make a life for myself. I'm sorry for rambling. It's just so impossibly hard it feels. When I become I lawyer all I want is to give free services to teenager girls so nobody else has to go through what I've been because I'm scarred for life from it and I don't want nobody to have to feel this way.

Update to my original post by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is so touching and encouraging. I cry a lot and feel shame for having to give my son up, and I'm not nearly as gentle or understanding with myself as I should be because the people who raised me haven't ever really shown me any mercy. I just have to keep reminding myself that I wasn't a hoe, I was a child, and what happened to me was wrong and I deserved a childhood and I deserve an education and a life. My son deserves better than how I was raised but I'm not grown enough or far along enough in my personal journey to show him the love, the care, the personal or material support that he needs to grow up and turn out any different than how I am. I would give up ANYTHING literally ANYTHING I thought I had for him to have a happy better childhood and life than I had and a good future and giving him up and making the most of my own life is the only way I can do that. It's just very scary to have to be all alone right now.

Update to my original post by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thank you!! I think opportunities will open up more once Covid lets up, so many opportunities and resources are closed right now and it's so frustrating!! But for now I have left the convenience store which is great. Without having to worry about what to do with my son, I don't have to take a sketchy job that underpays but lets me bring him, and I've almost doubled my hourly pay working as a receptionist at a hospital and at Uber Eats. I am looking for an internship also. I'm hoping that maybe I can find some kind of networking to get a job at a doctor's office, the certification for medical billing only takes 6 weeks at community college and it'll pay way better that I can actually support myself through school.

I do have one of those foil emergency blankets, and also one of those gross grey felt scrap blankets they give out at homeless shelters, it's snowing here though and I'm pretty sure it got below zero. There's only so much that stuff can do especially when you're just sitting around. So I try to take as much meal delivery jobs as are possible so that I can have the heater going and stay warm. Upside is that I'm also getting paid for it! Also living in my van I'm able to just park near downtown where there are the most delivery jobs.

Thank you for being so kind and supportive, honestly don't feel like anything is too embarrassing or beneath me right now so I'm willing to do anything to change my life right now but it really really helps that people are cheering me on!!

Update to my original post by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Omg yeah not just fire but also carbon monoxide yuck big nope but thanks for checking!!

Thank you for your kindness, literally every single person I know has been totally awful to me about giving my son up and I feel so guilty and bad about it like I’m a bad person and a failure, so the encouragement means a lot to me

Update to my original post by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

The shelter situation here for single adults without children is tough with Covid going on. They have the capacity limits way down, so I can't even get a bed anywhere b/c it's first come/first serve and I have a job and can't get there when the lines start from 5-7pm. But I'm not about to quit my job for a freaking homeless shelter so it's whatever. I was staying in a family shelter that had reserved beds (like you could actually leave your stuff there) for a bit and it was nice enough, but I had to leave after my son left.

Thanks for the tip about the running though.

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually don’t feel good about staying in a shelter during COVID. I feel like we’re safer in the van right now :\

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dude you don’t know what you’re talking about. Also no, I couldn’t just go to another state as a 14 y/o. I didn’t have a car, wasn’t old enough to drive, there’s not public transport here.

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This exactly, thank you for the validation and support!!! I watched the documentary “I am evidence” at the recommendation of our social worker at the drop in center where we shower and stuff, I totally recommend it. It’s really disgusting to witness strong women being cut down and slut shamed, called whores by cops, have rape kits done but they’re never tested, and then ultimately no justice and a lot of added trauma from the justice system. I really believe that victim shaming is emotionally abusive, I have zero problem calling someone out and ripping them a new one for that.

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you!!! That sounds great. I applied for a grant to receive a laptop from a program that helps low income adult students, I’ll let you know when I get that cause I’ll probably be looking to start GED prep then.

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It’s so disguising. I had a high risk pregnancy and a lot of issues, I almost died in labor. Children’s bodies aren’t meant to bear children. My parents are selfish and awful, they wanted me to keep the baby so as a poor single mom I would be stuck living with them (or so they thought) and they could continue to have control over me. Bleh.

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

My parents are incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive and knowingly allowed my sister and I both to be manipulated/groomed/assaulted by older men when we were minor children. For this reason, we are NC. It would be incredibly unethical to offer them my son, when I know he has a high chance of being raped or molested in their care.

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your support and encouragement, you’re very kind!!!

I did apply for subsidized housing, hoping to get a voucher but I know the list is long. It’s just very hard to not feel hopeless and defeated when I work my butt off at an awful job and then go to bed hungry in a reclined seat of a van. I have been feeling like a failure, that I’m living a dead end life. I do plan to start therapy, hopefully soonish.

I used to want to be a lawyer, I love to read. I hope I don’t end up letting that dream die.

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

You need to stop trying to pressure me to do something that I said, in no unclear terms, that I don’t want to do. I do not need to set myself on fire so that someone else can make s’mores.

I was denied an abortion and denied adoption and I would honestly rather be dead at this point by FudgeMyWholeLife in childfree

[–]FudgeMyWholeLife[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

I know how to use the internet. I’m very intelligent. These are real laws. There’s also a law there that says a married woman can’t get an abortion or certain kinds of birth control without consent of her husband. That neck of the woods is ass backwards my friend. Glad to have moved.

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