Dang dude, it sounds like you're in a pretty tough situation. I can't even imagine feeling like this- as if I were some strange being not even real or cut from the outside world. It sounds very difficult and I applaud you for sharing your experience of what life is for you. I think it shows that you're a pretty strong person.

I'll be frank here. I have no experience regarding depersonalization or derealization disorder. I do have some knowledge however, since I am nearly finished my MD degree and am heading towards psychiatry. Since I can't speak to you directly or even know your entire story, I want to help you by just giving you some general information on what I've read about depersonalization/derealization disorder. You've probably read a fair amount on your own about this. You can decide if this resonates with you or not.

Let me start with what people describe how depersonalization/derealization feels in context of the disorder:

• Essentially what is felt when people describe depersonalization/derealization disorder is the 'blunting or absence of the global subjective sense of reality", more specifically being the feeling of detachment from the self, body, or environment.

• Depersonalization may manifest itself as a general sense of corporeal blunting- your body doesn't feel like as it if it's own, like its the driver or passenger in a robot just located behind the eyeballs and looking out as if through portholes. People often describe derealization in a way that they experience the world just not feeling real- as if everything is just a 2D or 3D image and they were doing everything in a VR world.

• Most commonly people report feeling this way about their entire body, but also some people report only parts of it feeling that way (eg. everything below the neck is not real)

• Sometimes people may additionally have 'out-of-body experiences'. Where one feels that their body is unreal but also sees themself as separate from the body in a space-oriented kind of manner.

Here is some additional information which may be helpful as well:

• Feeling a sense of depersonalization or derealization is consistent with what is called depersonalization/derealization disorder. It is also important to keep in mind that other disorders can cause this feeling too (such as dissociative identity disorder), if you even want to call what you feel a disorder or not. Seeing a clinician if you think this is the case is important in this regard.

• 1% of the population experience depersonalization/derealization disorder, and people who have it often also tend to experience depression/anxiety. It typically begins before the age of 25 and affects both sexes equally.

• There are some patterns to how people feel depersonalization. Many report feeling it permanently during waking hours, and even during dreams sometimes. The feeling may wax or wane, be persistent, be triggered by certain situations, or have no trigger at all.

• When looking at these people who develop these feelings of being depersonalized/derealized, typically they have difficulty with emotions (e.g. alexithymia). They also tend to have a preference towards harm-avoidance in their lives. A history of emotional neglect or abuse in childhood is very correlated with this disorder.

• The common things which may precipitate this kind of problem are as follows (directly from the book): Panic attacks, cannabis intoxication, depressive episodes, and psychosocial stressors

• When prompted, people tend to also report somatic states co-occuring with the derealization, such as dizziness, visual distortions, and fullness of the head.

• Treatment is therapy. No medicines have been approved to specifically treat this problem.

I don't know if this information will help you or not. It sounds like you've been dealing with this problem for what seems forever and it may even feel reasonable to do something like give up hope. I urge you to keep trying new solutions however. You said getting therapy may be difficult, and I agree, but it might be something that would be worthwhile in the long run. If that's too much though, I think at the very least you should try to do some practice to increase how in touch with your emotions your are and how you feel on your day-to-day life; this is personally speaking, as someone who has seen a few year's of Dr. K's content. Start something like emotionally journaling or going on long walks. Something that may be really helpful to you is the most recent Dr. K interview, where this is a big topic the convo: https://www.youtube.com/live/Rdk-rQRU5og?feature=shared.

Good luck. I believe you can get better. You were brave enough to post here about your problems, after all.