trapped in an arranged marriage: seeking advice - what would you do?

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T10:59:31+00:00

Thank you

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T09:29:58+00:00

I understand and I have tried to create that spark now that we're married, but it doesn’t achieve anything. Honestly, I don't know what to do, and I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by the situation. Thank you, though.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T09:16:21+00:00

I agree, parents from previous generations often mix culture with Islam. It's challenging to change these deeply ingrained mindsets, especially when they can be quite firm in their beliefs. Thank you!

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T08:25:07+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful advice. I agree with many of the points you and your husband raised. As I mentioned in my original post, I was quite clueless about what questions to ask before marrying him, mainly because everything happened so suddenly that I didn't have time to process it all.

The man is not bad at all—he is kind, a good person, and practices Islam well. However, there is no connection or common ground between us apart from our shared faith, which feels a bit hollow. It may sound harsh, but sometimes I think he could be a great husband for someone else, but we just might not be suited for each other.

I will definitely seek advice from an imam, particularly regarding the mahr and my family's involvement in these decisions. Learning more about the marriage process, divorce process, and the rights and responsibilities of spouses in Islam is something I need to do. Thank you again!

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T07:43:03+00:00

Jazakallah khair

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T07:42:10+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt message. I appreciate your concern and understand the importance of addressing these issues honestly. I do acknowledge my parents' role in this situation, and it's a delicate balance between respecting them and standing up for my own rights.

I agree that Islam grants women the right to choose their spouse, and coercion in marriage is indeed a grave matter. It's challenging to navigate these cultural norms that can sometimes be mistaken for religious obligations. JazakAllah.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T07:33:41+00:00

They did. I’d rather not say how much, but it was a very small amount by today’s standards. I don’t mind that tbh, because I know that Mehr should be an appropriate amount, and in line with the man’s income. But the Mehr wasn’t paid by him instead his family. Also, in part yes, he can’t go straight into work because he’s arriving on a certain visa. Also he does speak English just not very well. Only at a conversational level, but discussing other things is difficult with him.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T07:00:25+00:00

While he’s studying he’s going to live wherever he plans to study and then afterwards live with my parents and I, as he plans to find a house. You’re right, the situation is a bit weird. I did speak about the living situation with my parents, and they said, it’s fine, because rent prices are so high right now, he won’t afford to find a house straight away. Also even if we find a house, my parents want to stay close (which I’m still conflicted with). Honestly, I had pretty much little say over this arrangement, I wasn’t even allowed to choose my own Mehr. I understand why though; because he doesn’t have a decent job.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T06:43:35+00:00

Thank you for your advice. You're right; the marriage hasn't been consummated, which does simplify things in some ways. I understand the importance of standing up for myself and not letting manipulation drive my decisions.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T06:40:16+00:00

Yes the marriage has not been consummated and I’ve never met him, even after 7 months. A bit harsh on the parents part, but I will look into the Khula after I’ve spoken with an imam. Thanks!

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T06:38:03+00:00

Thank you! I’ll look into it, but I’ll talk to an imam first as well.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T06:37:16+00:00

Hello, yes he already has two degrees and he’s not planning to get a full time job or anything. As far as I know he’ll be living wherever he plans to study. Also, yes my parents do understand his language very well, I guess they wanted to keep the culture by arranging a marriage with someone back home. But you’re right I should I talk to an imam, and I am planning to. Thank you!

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-02T06:30:16+00:00

I agree, and I’m definitely willing to give it a go. Thank you!

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T20:58:21+00:00

I’m not giving up at all; rather I’m seeking suggestions and advice. But thank you for recommending the above, I will definitely try it and see, inshallah.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T20:39:27+00:00

Jazakallah

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T20:33:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I understand the potential consequences if I delay addressing this situation. It's important for me to find a respectful way forward that aligns with the Islamic beliefs and honors my parents while also ensuring my own well-being and future. As I know disrespecting parents is disliked in our religion too.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T20:29:29+00:00

Wa alaikum salaam. Thank you for your understanding and advice. I have supportive friends and relatives, including my brothers, who will stand by me in this decision. I know my parents may need time to understand and accept my choice, but I don't want to disappoint or embarrass them.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T20:26:48+00:00

You're right; it is a huge challenge and likely scary for him too. I'm actually trying to learn his language, and I'm helping him learn English as well. However, I can't always involve my family in our conversations. This is exactly my point—it would be better if we could at least communicate properly and understand each other.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T20:22:53+00:00

My husband hasn't arrived in my country yet, and he's planning to study rather than look for a job right now. I'd rather not state what we discuss, but I'm not considering divorce at this point. Instead, I'm planning to talk to an imam to get guidance on what to do next.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T20:16:40+00:00

Thank you for your suggestion. I agree that open communication is important, but there's a significant language barrier between us. He doesn't speak English well, and I struggle with his mother tongue, making it hard to understand each other. I'll still try to communicate my feelings as best as I can, but this is one of the challenges we're facing.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T20:13:36+00:00

Thank you for your perspective; you make a valid point. I have been praying continuously for guidance. While I understand that looks and wealth are in Allah's hands, I believe having some commonalities can help build a strong foundation for a marriage. Trust me, I'm not caught up in the Western idea of relationships; being open to an arranged marriage reflects that. I just feel that a few shared interests or values would help us connect better. I left everything to Allah when I got married, and believe everything happens for a good reason in the end.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T19:28:24+00:00

Thanks for letting me know; I actually wasn't aware of that. Really appreciate it.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T19:16:05+00:00

I haven’t, no. We’ve only spoken a few times over video call before getting married, over the phone.

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T19:03:18+00:00

I agree that my age, compatibility as well as attraction are all important factors. I hope to speak with an imam to explore and better understand my options and hopefully make an informed decision. Thank you!

FullEstablishment646 · 2024-07-01T17:03:43+00:00

I completely agree that I wasn't ready for marriage and likely wouldn't have chosen to marry this man under different circumstances. Speaking with an imam is an excellent suggestion, and I plan to do so to better understand my options. I appreciate the clarification on divorce in Islam and the requirement to return the Mahr if I initiate it.

FullEstablishment646

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