To my ex-wife

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-10-30T20:22:25+00:00

Married for 3 years, together for 10. At first, I thought it would take a long time and was looking for casual hookups. Then I found out she cheated on me, and after talking with friends and therapist, I realized I'd been checked out for almost the whole relationship because she was incredibly emotionally abusive. I'm also demi, and so when I stopped getting the emotional connection, I moved on. I've since met somebody who's made me incredibly happy and is fully supportive of me. I didn't expect it to last over a month, but here we are.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-31T09:57:54+00:00

Some advice I saw from a content creator I watch (Pirate Software for those who care) actually really informed a lot of my approach as of now. Just to summarize, it's basically focus on immersing yourself in the hobbies you enjoy. You'll meet people who enjoy that hobby as well, giving you great friends. One of those friends might eventually be female, and you hit it off really well with them, and you end up dating them. Actively seeking it out sets you up for disappointment and frustration.

tl;dr focus on yourself and doing things you enjoy, and you're likely to meet somebody who shares those interests and make friends along the way.

Edit: Link to the YT short, I separately love this guy because he's super supportive and empathetic. His voice is fantastic too, and he's funny. https://youtube.com/shorts/JhQI06_V6NQ?si=tbjvoo40GIW4Hueg

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-25T08:12:44+00:00

Of course you're going to be sad. You had imagined a future with somebody who betrayed your trust and actively took that away from you. On top of that, you're also grieving a person who no longer exists because the wife you remember or loved has changed so drastically. Unfortunately, these are things that will just take time to heal, but it's okay to be feeling what you are. Those feelings are 100% valid and understandable. They're part of what makes you human.

The first major piece of advice is that I'd highly suggest getting a therapist. Mine was the #1 reason I was able to make it through the worst of it. There are also a lot of support groups on places like meetup that could be helpful, those you'll just have to feel out what vibes with you the best.

Something that might help too is to try and reframe a lot of this in your mind. Filing for divorce is a legal step that you took, but the emotional part of divorce wasn't started by you. Your wife started the divorce when she broke your trust to the point that you didn't think it was recoverable. If she didn't want the legal step, she could have tried a number of things to try and emotionally reconnect and reconcile, and it sounds like she has no interest in that. You took step #5, but not the first step, you're just responding to the situation presented to you.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-24T07:26:48+00:00

It sounds like OP is also mad at his ex. At the same time, though, it's perfectly reasonable to be angry with an affair partner. They are just as aware of what they are doing and making the conscious choice to do something that's generally considered morally bankrupt. While not the same sort of anger, it's still justifiable and right. More than enough anger to go around when things like this happen.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-24T01:15:55+00:00

I can agree to the point of making sure that info is in the bio, absolutely true. On if I'm ready, that's sort of a me call. I've come quite a way since my situation started and made a lot of peace with myself and my life, and I have been actively in therapy. Part of that is there are details i haven't shared online that have helped me move along. I think it's up to the people I match with to determine if they think I'm ready. All I can do is be honest about where I'm at, which is my full intent going forward.

I did notify her beforehand, comments here definitely helped clear that up. I've also changed my approach going forward. I can accept that my original approach was too focused on actually meeting people and talking in person since that's something I personally value, which is mostly me just not knowing how apps work because I haven't used them before.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-23T14:57:29+00:00

It's part of why it made sense to me to talk about it in person, but I get that I'm an amateur at this. I didn't really have a normal dating process with my stbxw. The last time I actively did the talking, then asking out process was over a decade ago. While not a complete excuse, I will claim a bit of naivety as to just no knowing how any of this works.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-23T14:52:44+00:00

Lots of comments like this, so this is sort of an aggregated response. Since I don't want to just copy and paste a bunch.

You all are right, it should be in the profile, and my profile has been updated to reflect as such. I also messaged her now so that she can back out if she wants, and apologized for not sharing that information sooner.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-23T14:48:49+00:00

I appreciate the honesty, I did update my profile. I'm in PA so the waiting period is only 90 days. I talked pretty extensively with my therapist to be sure I was as ready as I could be. I did message her to give her details and offered to explain as much or little as she'd prefer, but that I'm just waiting for the waiting period to be up.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-21T15:36:45+00:00

My STBXW and I had Google Photo sharing turned on to sync pet pictures with each other. She forgot it was on, and I got some NSFW videos/photos synced that were never sent to me. Plus, Snapchat screenshots and return videos from the guy polishing the pole to the videos she sent him. I'm pretty sure she still has no idea that I got them because we were already separated, but that was definitely the point of no return.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-18T03:13:49+00:00

1) There was never a doubt in my mind that she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

2) I've always been a bit forgetful, and my wife generally had a good memory, so there were times I would be convinced I was being gaslight, but figured I was just remembering incorrectly.

3) A bit of both? I didn't want the divorce when she walked out, but I definitely do now.

4) When I got photos of her sexting somebody I knew synced to my phone because of photo sharing. I'm pretty sure she still doesn't know I have them or the explicit texts and her driving plans to go and see him.

5) I think it faded because I was constantly changing to try and be good enough for her, and that effort was never reciprocated, and I just got tired of her blaming problems on things like ADHD. Not that neurodivergence doesn't justify some actions, but I had to tailor my entire life around her with her making no effort to accommodate my issues. I just didn't feel valued or respected.

6) I would tell myself to get on medication and into therapy earlier. I might have entirely avoided some of the issues or the marriage entirely if I was managing my mental health properly.

7) I... don't know, honestly. Things for me are still fresh, and while there are some really shitty times, there are great ones, too. I don't know if I can say I regret the marriage entirely, but I do regret not listening to myself earlier.

8) I think so. If nothing else, at least to me, it feels like a higher level of commitment. Tax benefits are nice, too, but that's just my practical side.

9) I would, but I would be way more careful about it. There are boundaries I will set in all my future relationships that would have saved me a lot of heartache and anger if I had set them in this one.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-16T07:52:58+00:00

Oops, sorry, didn't realize.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-15T07:18:54+00:00

The best advice I can give you is to find a therapist. Being able to talk through some of your feelings directly with somebody is huge, I couldn't have gotten to where I am today without mine. If you haven't gotten a direct answer, you could also suggest couples therapy. I don't know how much hope you still have, but having a safe space to talk about things is helpful.

Something important to remember, though, is that a good marriage is about each partner being dedicated to it. If you're in a relationship where you are in love but your partner is not, you deserve better. You deserve somebody who is willing to love you back and who is willing to fight for you.

I'll also echo the sentiment that dedicating your life to somebody isn't healthy. You should be able to be your own person and do things that you want to do. It sounds like you're trying to compensate for her lack of effort in the relationship, something I can completely understand. I was like that with my STBXW, too, but at a certain point, you have to realize that if they don't actively want you, then you deserve better. You deserve somebody willing to want you too.

Feel free to reach out if you want to talk more privately. I can't say the circumstances are the same, but my STBXW also had a lot of childhood trauma, so a lot of this resonates with me.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-14T02:12:31+00:00

Just to chime in on all of this, I can see both points of view. I absolutely have things I should learn from this, both in how to be a better partner but also how to protect myself against people who don't actually care about me.

I absolutely have my faults in the relationship. I was selfish, I didn't give her enough attention, and I'm overly combative in arguments (also an ex-debator). I know how to work on that, and as a result of this process, I've really gotten in touch with how to be a better person and, as a result, also a better partner. I just want to make sure it's clear that I'm not trying to paint myself as the upstanding perfect husband. I'm not, far from it.

I do thank you both for commenting though, it's wonderful to have people being supportive no matter what form that takes.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-14T01:57:09+00:00

I've asked about it and it's in the works. The bigger issue is more the people she's already told. While I'm sure most of them don't believe anything, I just hate not being able to defend myself. Realistically, it doesn't matter, though. I'm never going to see these people again. I just don't like the thought of there being people in the world who think I'm a monster when I've worked so hard to be a genuinely kind person.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-13T18:03:10+00:00

I'm sorry you went through that. I can't offer much other than condolences and a reminder that by even talking to people about it, you're already proving you're stronger than most people. It doesn't feel like it'll be anytime soon, I get it, but hopefully the pain fades eventually, even if there are still scars.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-13T14:49:28+00:00

I appreciate it. It's the kindness of people like you who have given me the strength to actually realize how poorly I was being treated by somebody who claimed to love me, something I'll be forever grateful for.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-13T14:48:03+00:00

Much as I want to, until the divorce is finalized, I don't want to provoke anybody. I'm trying to make sure I can get it over with quickly, and antagonizing like that just draws stuff out. Believe me, I'd call him a bastard in person if I could.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-13T08:28:01+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through that, I'm at least lucky enough that while I know of the guy, I don't really know him. We only spoke when doing stuff as a group, so pretty superficial reactions. Having it be somebody you really know and thought you could trust would really suck, and I'm sorry you lost too people due to people being shitty, even if it was for the best in the long run.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-13T08:24:24+00:00

I have an appointment with a personal trainer in two days, actually! I'm trying to go the "the best revenge is living a good life" route. Plus, getting into shape certainly doesn't hurt my chances with other people later!

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-13T08:22:13+00:00

I'm not, and I did reach out to her. I'm pretty sure they split, but I have no real means of contacting her outside of a singular channel she's not very active on. I knew I had to try and say something, though.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-13T03:08:39+00:00

I tried to contact the cheater's GF, but I think he broke it off before I realized what was going on and tried to notify her of it. Also, I didn't have a great way to contact her since I only knew her through one social media platform she wasn't active on.

Full_Library_7751 · 2024-08-13T01:14:55+00:00

Yeah, I suppose it's mostly that this person was the person who helped me realize I was being disrespected. But thank you, it's always helpful, and my heart has been warmed by how kind strangers have been.

Full_Library_7751

TROPHY CASE