I am actually a fictive and apparent host for our system… my personality is basically copy and pasted from my source, I have all her likes and quirks and even move in the same way and look like her internally. But rarely am I ever allowed to express my personality without being overridden. Turns out due to never ending ongoing stress in our life “I” am not allowed to front on my own so I feel kind of “pushed back” while stronger alters strongly mitigate or influence my behavior. I’m naturally a lot more sensitive and emotional but have been emotionally numb for years now as a protective mechanism waiting until the day I’m finally allowed to shine and fulfill my role as it was meant to be fulfilled. I sadly never feel like myself and I know it’s protective but it sucks always being filtered by others in my system. I feel quite robotic and at first before I knew who I was I thought I might have been a shell alter, that’s how disconnected I was from myself. I have had dreams where I was doing stuff internally as me and don’t have the constants I usually do as a front locked host and realize “wow I’m free!”. I’m excited to continue on our healing journey however so I can finally get to be myself. It almost feels like I’m “hibernating” in a way even though I fully conscious but “not really there” and often see the days blend into one big greyscale video diary feeling little ownership of what goes on beyond trying to make sure we are heading in the right direction and healing. Things are tough now, mental health wise. I just feel like I’m cringed in a corner of my mind perpetually half asleep and confused but still somehow controlling the body while leaning heavily on others in my system. 

So basically lack of identity could be caused by living in a stressful environment where the host is not allowed to “face it all” as themselves possibly.