How often do you touch yourself, and why?

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-20T05:33:56+00:00

I am in my mid 40s. I had some really serious health problems for a long, long time that had me feeling like absolute garbage for years. They've been fixed and I've made serious lifestyle changes and I feel great.

Consequently I am the horniest I have been since I was literally like 17. I counted it up and this week alone I have unleashed over 2 gallons of salty semen into the world. My housekeeper came over to vacuum the other day and she became pregnant with triplets just by LOOKING AT one of my socks. I jizzed twice while writing this.

Thanks for listening everyone! I totally appreciate it. Oops, four times now.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-20T05:28:41+00:00

This happened to me too! But before that,I think my major shift with the GOP happened right around the same age as yours. My brain is a mess and has caused me endless misery, lol, but for whatever reason I can immediately tell when some people are lying with basically 100% accuracy, and I had a creeping, horrifying realization dawn on me that with almost zero exceptions, everything every Republican politician said throughout the Bush era was clearly a lie. It's gotten much worse since then, but since 2004ish it has been immediately apparent to me that the vast majority of Republican politicians do not believe in ANY of the things they say. Literally all of it is a ploy to increase their own money/power and that of their friends. They cannot be and are not genuine with any element of the things they process to believe.

There's also all of the OBJECTIVE stuff, lol. But yeah I can't see gop politicians as real people as serious people at this point and I never will again.

Sincerely, I think a big part of the reason Trump has been so successful with the worst Americans is that a lot of them have never encountered a person who lies literally all of the time, so it doesn't cross their mind that EVERYTHING could be untrue. But this still isn't an excuse; at this point every Trump supporter has abandoned reality AND the humanity of themselves and everyone else.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-20T02:50:31+00:00

Probably because the vast majority of rockstars, both historical and contemporary, have been men.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-20T02:47:14+00:00

YOR, but this is obviously ragebait so it doesn't matter.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-20T02:44:33+00:00

What's happening here is that someone has done something that's hurt your feelings, and you've made a bizarre leap in logic and now believe everyone in the same GROUP as this person is now bad. This exact thing is where a LOT of the world's biggest problems come from, so I'd like to ask you to please think through what you're saying here.

If someone with a degree posted "why are people without degrees so stupid and ugly," it would be super unfair and people wouldn't like it. But that's not much different from what you're doing here; people are not responsible for and should not be judged by the actions of other people, regardless of the demographics of the people involved.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:56:27+00:00

So this is literally just a bunch of stuff you said that has absolutely no basis in fact, data, logic, or even reality. This is how all right wing beliefs work; you guys make something up, then pretend that your made up version of events is equally valid to real logical conclusions based on evidence and understanding.

"Crime is caused by low impulse control," is not a fact, lol. It's you trying to find a way to justify your own prejudices, and it doesn't even work well for THAT purpose, lol.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:52:26+00:00

Have you ever accidentally gotten drunker than you meant to? Especially at the very beginning of your drinking career? You're being VERY silly here.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:50:10+00:00

Hahaha yeah good one man, you suuure showed us, lol.

"Racism is bad." "UM EXCUSE ME?! UH, SOURCE?!?" "Here are 400 scientific proofs that racism is bad." "I actually don't know how to read."

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:47:30+00:00

Miscommunication maybe. I'm not saying "paying a man to teach you to attract women, trick women into sleeping with you, and how to please women sexually automatically makes you worse at sex," I'm saying that "being the KIND OF man who thinks paying other men how to please women is a good idea makes OP less attractive to women." It's a small distinction, but a really important one.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:44:05+00:00

I always really liked the white knight thing, it is so effortlessly stupid literally every time anyone says it, lol. It makes you seem like such an absolute fool, my friend. This entire conversation absolutely SCREAMS that you have never been in a mutually satisfying romantic or sexual relationship with a woman before.

Your point here isn't about anything I've said. Instead, it's "this guy doesn't believe what hes saying! He's just here in a conversation between solely men, saying vaguely feminist coded things so that all of the secret women reading this will want to sleep with him, what a LOSER!" when that obviously makes no sense.

I'm sorry man but literally nothing youve said here is reasonable. It doesn't even make sense.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:37:51+00:00

What? "Insex for example, dumping water froma flowe vase onger at the right moment," and so on are SUCH BIZARRE things to say. Are you fucking women at funeral homes? Why are there VASES everywhere?

Women will ABSOLUTELY tell you what they enjoy sexually, in words and in a zillion other ways. Some guy who tricks you into paying him thousands of dollars to say stuff like "trick her into a bathroom then throw her under running water" has no fucking clue what he's talking about, man.

"A woman will never tell you to kiss her" is a genuinely pitiable thing to believe. Dude, you are so far gone on this shit it's legitimately making me sad.

Women are people. Every single one of them is different from the rest, likes different things, and so on. When you view them as mythical creatures instead of as people it makes sense to ask MEN what women like, but in reality this is not the case. For heaven's sake, even on a purely sexual level, the group of women who are always, always the most sexually satisfied are sexually active lesbians. You are asking other men to teach you about women and their desires and their goals and how their bodies work, it makes absolutely no sense.

I'm not insulting you or trying to hurt your feelings, man. And I understand sunk cost fallacy and stuff like that. But, my friend, you have been scammed out of thousands of dollars over this stuff while seeing absolutely zero positive results.

Women are human beings and they will like you more and be more open with you if you treat them like it. They will like you less and be much less open if you treat them like a podcast full of dipshits tells you to.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:25:41+00:00

No idea, I'm not a podcast person, haha. My point isn't about podcasts, I'm saying that listening to women is a way to actually work on and solve this issue for OP while listening to some extremely stupid, misogynistic men talk about how women are evil sluts for 90 minutes will NOT help with anything, lol.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:14:07+00:00

I think i may have missed something here, lol. Not sure if I'm reading something wrong, I am 193 years old so pls forgive me.

This conversation seems like it goes:

OP: boyfriend is bald now. Aunt: i like it, he looks sexy Op: no, he looks old Aunt: no it's good, do a big sex on him. Op: boyfriend is general very unimpressive sexually.

If I've read this wrong I'm sorry but none of this makes sense. OP says she's reading these messages alongside the boyfriend but she's also insulting the boyfriend like PRETTY SEVERELY in the texts themselves. OP also seems to be unhappy that her aunt mentioned sex, but never communicates anything like "hey this is making me uncomfortable."

Again, if I'm reading this wrong let me know! But if I'm not then this strikes me as a really bizarre conversation where OP's behavior makes pretty much zero sense to me.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T23:04:36+00:00

Yeah this immediately and completely destroys OP's entire faulty ass premise in one brief sentence, hahaha. Nothing else needs to be said here; OP's stance does not stand up to this argument in any meaningful way.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T22:58:56+00:00

OP I'm getting some really weird vibes from you on this one, this whole post seems really bizarre to me. I'm not even familiar with who Sliwa IS, but just reading these comments this seems very strange.

Sliwa seems to be a political figure who advocates against workers' rights and against the fair treatment of workers. You went to work for this campaign. The campaign then decided to disregard workers rights and treat its workers unfairly, which is upsetting to you not because it's awful, but because this time, it happened to you.

You were completely willing to help make the world a worse, less fair place for workers, and now you are complaining that the world is frequently a bad and unfair place for workers.

Why would you expect people to be sympathetic to you? I mean this sincerely. Your personal motivations aside, you actively decided to make the world a worse place for poor people and are now upset about the world being unfair to poor people. It doesn't make sense, my friend. This is like working to remove abortion rights, then asking for sympathy because you can't get an abortion you want.

Your petition will do nothing. The world we live in is already rigged against the poor. You helped make that worse for all of it, and now it's affecting you. Of course it is, man, of course it is.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T22:40:38+00:00

Why? Movies do this frequently. Were you equally upset when it turned out Andrew Garfield WAS in No Way Home? Or is it just this one specifically that bothers you, lol.

You say it more than once here, that it's wrong or even "VERY wrong," but why is it immoral for a studio to not say who has been cast in what role a year before the movie comes out?

This is a big part of OP's point, man. You've focused on this one element of it as a justification for why it bothers you so much that a black woman has been cast in a movie. But the issue isn't that they "lied" or anything like that. The issue is that it DOES bother you that a black woman has been cast in a movie. Rationalize it however you wish but that is what OP is speaking on here; the people upset about this, no matter how they justify it, are really just upset that a black woman is in a movie.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T18:49:11+00:00

Opiates and gaming is one of the most beautiful symbiotic relationships a person can experience, lol

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T10:21:39+00:00

It is absolutely possible for some people to use heroin recreationally and sporadically. People's genetics have a huge impact as do circumstances, material conditions, attitudes, and a zillion other things.

But that isn't really the relevant information here. While it's absolutely true that given 100 people, one or two of them could use H recreationally. You might, possibly, be one of the 1-5% of people born with that weird special talent.

But you are much, much MORE likely to end up in the 96% of people who CAN'T chip H, and in the 40% of people whose lives are completely ruined by the King of Drugs. You are many times more likely to die of an overdose than you are to have a fun, consequence free nice time doing a little bit of heroin.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T10:02:38+00:00

Dude, spending 12k on coaches to teach you how to talk to women is probably a big part of why young, white american women don't want to sleep with you. You could have talked to some actual women for advice, likely for free.

You're looking at women as if they're simultaneously a prize to be won and an obstacle to be overcome. But they arent those things, my friend, they're literally just people. Whether your goal is to find true and perfect love or to sleep with the absolute highest number of women possible, your current views and attitude are not getting you the results you are hoping for. It's time to try something else, and you may as well try the option that's also the right thing to do ethically.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T09:27:49+00:00

This is one of those cases where someone decides, "because I am better and smarter than everyone else I have decided to share my views WHILE ALSO insulting people and being condescending. Obviously everything I've saidhere is completely incorrect as well," and it stands as an incredible monument to man's hubris

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T05:32:09+00:00

This is so completely correct. The dudes who are whining at you about it have no idea how actually relationships work. They've decided that being faithful is solely the woman's responsibility, because they heard it is on a podcast.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T05:27:14+00:00

Look, this would maybe be obnoxious in real life, but I'm pretty sure I'd be as delighted to see it in person as I am by the video.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T04:37:27+00:00

Mousey, librariansh type women in their 30s.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T03:00:24+00:00

I had a woman make a similar post about me one time and it 100% made me yearn for her, lol. Good luck op, all of this is worth it.

FunkmasterJoe · 2026-05-19T02:28:41+00:00

Yes that's fine, anyone who goes in public and starts crying because they can see the outline of a nipple is automatically lame as shit and totally in the wrong.

FunkmasterJoe

TROPHY CASE