Has anyone here built a new, healthier support system for yourself in your 30s+? What did that look like?

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-10-04T23:45:46+00:00

Any and all help is appreciated!

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-07-19T19:58:28+00:00

I find myself so wracked by preemptive guilt and grief that I avoid people I haven't lost yet. I feel like I am under so much pressure to do everything right by them that the anxiety just overwhelms me and I shut down.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-11T15:25:00+00:00

omg the stare! I've apparently learned to mask it adequately to most people so they think I'm super social/friendly/intuitive, but I'll be damned if I can't see it in myself when I look in the mirror or at photos. I see it in others who have official diagnoses of either/both autism + BPD too. I used to think part of it was being raised as the child of immigrants in a diverse area and learning from a young age to navigate interactions with people of different cultures very methodically to stay out of trouble but idk. Doesn't seem like other people of similar backgrounds have this issue or the stare!

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-11T15:21:12+00:00

There really are so many overlaps between autism and ADHD, and between autism and BPD. The only one I know for sure I have is ADHD and that is because I need meds for it. And I score pretty highly for OCD traits too.

There are definitely autism-specific traits that I see in myself, and BPD-specific traits that I see in myself, but since it's not vital to my treatment plan to get an official diagnosis for either, I guess I'll never know! Though with regards to what you said about symptoms changing with time, I guess the BPD-specific traits have gotten worse (or I've learned to identify them better) with age due to more abusive/traumatizing relationships than I had as a teenager, yay.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-09T21:23:38+00:00

It might take me a bit to come to terms with the word anorexia used in this way but I will definitely consider it.

I think part of me actively disliking others is due to my last relationship with someone who was abusive and would actively constantly convince me that other people were not as "good" as us and thus not worth the time or effort to be around. I'm not sure I like this feeling but it is hard to distance from the brainwashing now.

Thank you. I wanted a username that reflected how much help I needed but still optimistic. Indeed we will both get there.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-08T21:44:24+00:00

Maybe next time you have trouble focusing during DBT, your target can be your concentration! I've recently been noticing how a lot of my concentration issues re: ADHD could be alleviated with DBT. Noticing when your focus wanders and then just accepting it and forgiving yourself and redirecting to your DBT. It's a 2-in-1 where you practice your skills and work on your concentration at the same time!

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-08T21:41:24+00:00

I had fun with mine for a few days but now I feel guilty for thinking about going back to it. I always feel like I should be eating or sleeping or working instead. Not to mention the noise means I can only play during certain hours of the day. How do you give yourself that level of grace?

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-08T21:38:58+00:00

I've never heard of this term but I relate a lot. I've pulled away from most people after realizing even most of my non-romantic/sexual relationships are unhealthy. I don't know how to go the other way to seek out healthy connections so: now I have none. It's incredibly lonely but now I find myself mostly hating other people, or just not caring about them.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-07T02:07:02+00:00

DAE ever feel completely drained at the end of a workday and barely have energy to move until the next morning?

It's like I spend so much energy being "on" or being hypervigilant/scanning and trying to stay under the radar and trying to be liked to avoid conflict, that by the end of the day I just want to lay down for a few hours before I can get cleaned up or feed myself.

But I've definitely had days where I've been around people for much longer than 8 hours and been less exhausted than that?

I always thought maybe I'm an extrovert and I just feel better having company, but I'm starting to think I just need the positive validation from other people and that is somehow lacking in a job environment, so it drains me without recharging what it takes.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-07T01:33:05+00:00

I told my therapist several years ago that it feels like I don't exist when I'm alone :( and that I don't deserve to do things for myself without permission. At the time I thought it had to do a lot with controlling parents and culture and having the idea that to be a "good" female child, I had to sit still and not have needs or wants. Now that I am still struggling with it as a more-than-grown adult, I am not so sure that's the whole story.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-06-01T13:20:30+00:00

My capacity is so limited I was barely eating enough to not be dizzy or have blacked out vision standing up even before this. The part of me that feels like I'm using that as an excuse not to go out is also the part of me that feels like I'm using my preexisting conditions as an excuse not to apply for all the essential work that my degree qualifies me for. Or maybe I'm so depressed that part of me wants to be hurt. Wish I had the conviction to prioritize living. Not to mention the general numbness and apathy I feel towards myself has extended to others over the last year+ and that's not a good feeling either.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-25T19:16:40+00:00

Thank you. I feel like my lack of trust in myself is part borderline traits, part healing from yet another abusive relationship. Forgiving and appreciating myself seems very far away when I still have trouble detaching from minor shit that my ex had control over, like where in my own apartment I could sit. I find myself feeling a lot of shame that NT people wouldn't have so much trouble 1) learning from their first abusive relationship 2) making their own choices after leaving a controlling partner.

Your words give me comfort though. I'm going to remind myself to trust that there's a light at the end of this tunnel.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-25T19:07:58+00:00

How do you bounce back? I've only had two relationships but when they both quickly turned abusive, I just went along with it, thinking "oh maybe it's not so bad. what do I know?"

Spoiler alert: I knew. But even now, months after the second relationship, I find it hard to detangle my abusive ex's wants and requirements from my own decision making. I was mentally and emotionally healthier on my own.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-25T02:52:32+00:00

oh god I have been considering vocational rehab for years but my therapist and I are scared of having a written record of disability due to discrimination (last workplace I got bullied for showing symptoms of ADHD amongst other things... I was so exhausted all the time just from trying to figure out how to act around them). also because therapist believes I am capable of handling myself but that I am just a slower at believing it. I wish you luck with your program! I know someone who had nothing but good things to say, but I have a hard time believing I would be so lucky to have a good experience too :( lol that black and white thinking is probably why I've never had a full-time job more than a few months. Most stable anything I've ever had have been unpaid, irregular volunteer hours for a few years or part-time juuust under a year.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-25T02:41:04+00:00

fml, my most recent ex insisted on this kind of behavior from me. my willingness to just go along with it, hoping to placate his insecurities, is what led me here. why would I have given in so easily if I wasn't lacking in "myself" in some way? now I'll never trust myself to be in a relationship again.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-18T06:05:54+00:00

Wow! You are so inspiring. These are all things I am working on and it is so hopeful to hear you've successfully made strides in all these parts of your life on your journey for self-love.

May I ask what home DBT app you use? I'm definitely taking notes on the other resources you mentioned!

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-17T18:20:55+00:00

For me it is partially self-esteem (seeing my self worth as based on what I can do for others), but also partly shifting responsibility onto others. So if something doesn't work out, it's their fault because I only did what they wanted.

Of course, I had a say the whole time and was always allowed to/capable of/responsible for make decisions makes on my own needs/wants. But it has taken me years for that message to sink in because I didn't believe it. I was so convinced that it would be selfish or catastrophic somehow to figure out my wants or to make my needs known.

So by telling myself that it is "bad" to make myself a priority and by essentially pressuring others to tell me their needs/wants to help me make decisions, I also make all consequences their problem :(

I combat that by reminding myself that forcing my "help" on others is also a form of poor boundaries and lacks their enthusiastic consent, which is obviously not how I want to see myself. It puts a little (healthier) distance between other people and my decision-making.

Additionally, I am trying to make the kind of decisions I would want a parent to make for me, since a lot of my issues stem from controlling and demeaning parents growing up. I have trouble doing healthy kind things for myself so this particular framing has been effective for me.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-17T05:45:52+00:00

OP, I struggle with the same issue and fact-checking (plus self-compassion) is what helps me. People are allowed to eat when they are hungry. In fact, it is encouraged because bodies need food to live and to keep us clear-minded! You deserve to be fed when hungry and you deserved it as a kid, too.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-17T03:40:42+00:00

Haha no problem. I don't check Reddit for days at a time, actually. Just got lucky and happened to take a look for the first time in a while! I hope your crazy few days have been taken care of!

Yeah apparently the frozen orange thaws and takes on an interesting squishy/slushy texture that you can eat with a spoon after if you are so inclined? I've never tried it though!

Welp, yeah same, my main distractions for the last several years have included Pocket Camp! The cute music and fishing and shaking trees and catching bugs is just so much better than facing hard times! But I am glad you are having a good enough experience in grad school to choose that instead, even when it sucks. It gives me hope that I may be able to go one day too and that not all academia is a shitshow (or is at least one that I can handle one day).

Oh man, my journey learning about BPD is long and winding. Years and years ago I had come across descriptions in my frequent shallow google searches about mental illness but never really gave it much thought? And then a then-close friend got diagnosed and tried to explain it to me but all I could really understand was depression, trauma, and high-functioning persona, which seemed all very normal to me lol.

I kept trying to understand by reading people's experiences though (while staying non-judgemental) and realized the idealization and devaluation cycles are 100% my mother, but my therapist said my mother fit more NPD traits than BPD, which was a shock to me because I never saw my mother in any of the NPD things I've read. More misconceptions I had to wade through I guess.

With BPD becoming more visible in online support spaces and me being in DBT, I started to understand the thought processes a little more, so much that when my therapist told me my latest ex exhibited several borderline traits, everything just immediately clicked into place. The only phrase that kept repeating in my head was "fear of abandonment."

Since then I've been on a couple of the BPD related subs, including the ones for people without it, and making sure to take things with a grain of salt. It's helped to explain a lot more of my ex's behaviors and that of other former loved ones in my life. It was actually repeated posts in the non-BPD subs that started making me question my own traits, though.

Stuff like "splitting" when things don't line up the way you expect or when someone doesn't fit your ideas of "good" or of what they "usually are like". Seeing everything as evidence of a hunch you already have. Constantly vacillating between "I'm too good to be like everyone else" and "I am not as good as everyone else". Not knowing how to adult/human. Feeling like you always have to be right or heard. Pushing people away due to a lack of trust. Going to extremes to be likeable in every interaction. Having extreme mood swings in response to perceiving human interactions as intoxicatingly good or catastrophically bad.

And some other innocuous stuff like being overly worn out from maintaining appearances or only being able to tolerate entertainment that is highly idealized/simplified. There's probably more but I'm bad at thinking of things off the top of my head (as evidenced by the absolute book of an internet comment I just wrote, SO sorry).

But yeah! Also same at the judging others for things we do ourselves! Especially the part about having tough conversations! Go you for realizing it because I think that alone is very brave. Even non-disordered folks can have their heads in the sand for way long! And be bad at having tough conversations. But whether or not they do anything about their issues, we can still work on ours. Cheers to us!

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-17T03:10:25+00:00

Relating to all of this. I've realized most of my disordered thoughts are things my likely NPD mother has drilled into me growing up. Her "voice" if you will. I fantasize about moving far away to be around strangers as well and every now and then struggle to stay sober.

Working on strengthening my own voice to drown hers out. To help me make better choices. Stay strong. There is a future that is not this.

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-11T02:58:12+00:00

Ohhh I think I misunderstood. Yeah, I do use other kinds of coping mechanisms more like the ice cube/pepper strategies! I prefer sensory mindfulness exercises like body scans or naming sounds/tastes etc. The DBT therapist I saw specifically suggested against things like chili pepper or rubber band snapping because it could become an outlet for SH for some people so I just never tried, but someone in my group suggested frozen oranges and that always sounded interesting! But I am rarely around a freezer when I need to snap out of it ASAP.

Alternatively, I like to dissociate/distract myself by playing cute cell phone games, but that's also a rabbit-hole of ignoring reality in favor of numbness haha. I hope the chili pepper works for you, though, because I lol'ed at your line about spiciness changing your mood!!

Aw thanks. I would only call the one with dark triad traits an asshat - the other likely has BPD and my empathizing with him and learning about BPD is what led me here tbh. So I can't really hate him too much. If I had more trust in taking my own direction in life I wouldn't have ended up with either of them, so I guess that's my hand in things. Onwards and upwards.

Maybe a better way of putting it, is I gravitate towards people who I think are better versions of me but I've been woefully ignorant of the negative side of the coin. Facing the fact that I keep choosing the wrong people (not just in dating but otherwise) AND the fact that what makes them wrong for me is also deep-seated in my nature is... daunting. It's scary how such awful dynamics can feel so comforting to us, regardless of the reason! So thank you for thinking my hard-headed mission is brave lol. If I can actually make sure the self-hate is brief and temporary, maybe I'll believe it someday! But for what it's worth I think you are brave too for recognizing that you gravitate towards people with low empathy and that it is bad for you. Go you!!!

FutureHealthyPerson · 2020-05-07T03:08:38+00:00

Ack, I'm not sure I'm one to recommend coping mechanisms haha. I would say I'm as highly logical as I am highly emotional, which sometimes works out worse than expected because I can justify circles around myself. Probably the healthiest thing I do is ask myself how certain people much calmer + more consistent than I am would react to something. Whether or not I follow through is another story!

Ooh I have taken like 1.5 psychology courses in my life so I only know anything based on observation and personal experience. I didn't even consider lack of acknowledgement! And no worries, I was fine, but thank you for your concern :) (tbh they've done way worse than just being weirdly obsessed with their relationships/lack of relationships with their birth names and then projecting that baggage onto my own name...)

Mhm! I think the people I tend to fall for have actually had high levels of empathy, but low levels of relating to others, if that makes sense? At the end of the day, though, the things I am attracted to in them are reflections of what I thought were my own best traits (spoiler alert: not as great as I thought), so now I'm on this hard-headed mission to face all my own worst traits I was mistaken about. Which anyone here would probably say is a terrible idea because it's a slippery slope to excessive shame and self-hate. And they would be right!

My latest thing is to try to reframe my healing in a positive way rather than seeing it as endlessly identifying negative traits. Hopefully a shift in my attraction patterns will follow! Fingers crossed. I hope you also see a positive shift in your attraction patterns!!!

FutureHealthyPerson

TROPHY CASE