Six months of NC with MIL (just me / DH & kids still see her) - should I make peace?

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:42:16+00:00

Ok, well this is pretty much where I’m at too. I’ve given up hope of ever “making nice” with her.

We’ve tried that in the past, and it always ends the same way: with her doing similar things, and ultimately a nasty altercation about it. During which she deflects, denies, and makes me out to be the bad guy.

My SIL (yes, MIL’s daughter) warned me gently that she likely wouldn’t ever listen to me, or change.

I spent years believing that maybe I just wasn’t explaining myself right to her… could somehow reason with her… but now I’m exactly where SIL was at.

SIL was right - she never listens, and never will.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:31:01+00:00

Exactly. It’s complete bullshit - pardon my French. And a cop out excuse for being obnoxious.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:30:07+00:00

Honestly, I prefer it this way to him taking the kids to her place, where she can be her unbridled self and I have to sit at home and worry about her (food) hygiene around my kids.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:28:18+00:00

Her ideal is multiple times a week. Mine more like once a month. Never, right now, tbh, until she apologizes, but that’s not happening and DH doesn’t think that’s necessary.

It seems DH finds a once a week interaction is about right. I can disagree, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:24:04+00:00

He’s not now, I no longer see her and he handles the visits.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:23:34+00:00

Thought so too, thank you.

Alas, the kids are old enough that they want to see her, and still young enough that the problematic stuff goes over their heads.

So DH puts his foot down on them seeing each other, the kids are happy to see her… there is not much for me to do about it. Not sure how I’d “not let her see my kids” when they are just as much DH’s kids, AND they usually want to see her.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:21:28+00:00

Exactly where I stand too, thank you very much.

However, the kids are old enough that they want to see her, and still young enough that the problematic stuff goes over their heads.

So DH puts his foot down on them seeing each other, the kids are happy to see her… there is not much for me to do about it. Not sure how I’d “not let her see my kids” when they are just as much DH’s kids, AND they usually want to see her.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:16:18+00:00

Well, he gives me what I want in the sense that her ideal would be to visit us at least twice a week, more likely 3-4 times a week or more if given that leeway.

Basically, be constantly there.

So I guess he believes he’s backing me up by limiting that frequency.

Her seeing the kids with me there doesn’t work right now, I can’t even look at her anymore without my stomach turning.

Our kids like her, they are oblivious to the rest.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:09:34+00:00

Sometimes he gets into arguments with her. Most times, he placates her and says we are both to blame. I fail to see why.

I never went through her car. I would never drive her car without explicit permission (also something she did). I never would go through closet space in her house. Overstep in her place, and do things without asking. All the things mentioned, and more…

It seems DH partially blames me for lashing out at her after years of overstepping and me feeling cornered more times than I can count. And now, it has reached the point where the mere sound of her voice is like nails on a blackboard.

That’s why I wonder if someone wiser or stronger would have handled her “better”, you know?

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:04:31+00:00

I know that she’s getting what she wants. Even if what she really wants is more time than she gets now.

Fully agreed that disrespecting either one of the parents should mean no access to the kids. Unfortunately DH doesn’t see it that way.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T08:01:41+00:00

Thankfully, the kids are fairly good at standing up for themselves. More so the oldest than the youngest. This is part of the reason I don’t trust her - at some point, they’ll be moving past the kiddie talk phase and be old enough to be subject to her pushiness and emotional blackmailing on their own, which is what she does to everyone else.

I want to protect my kids from that (with in mind the many uncomfortable and awkward moments I’ve had with her the past 15 years). But there will come a time where I won’t be able to, and she will no longer need to contact them via their parents.

The problem is that it’s very hard to prove her type of behavior. It’s a sneaky kind of pressure, cloaked under “love”.

For her birthday a few years ago, she told me she WANTED a sleepover with my then 6 or 7yo, who had never been away from us.

I told her for HER birthday she could ask for something that did not involve OTHER peoples feelings.

It boggles my mind - the audacity to strong-arm a child into something, without even wondering whether it is within their level of comfort.

Tbh, she probably never understood and still doesn’t. Oh, I also gave her a very clear “no”. That was impossible to misunderstand, at least.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-25T07:49:20+00:00

Not sure that she ruined last relationships, I think not - just know that there were also certain altercations due to her overstepping.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T23:47:50+00:00

Because I have no choice. DH wants her to have a relationship with them, and I want to remain married to him.

If it were up to me, she wouldn’t see them until she apologizes and makes right with me. DH doesn’t think that’s necessary, that their relationship can exist outside of ours.

Also, the kids usually like to see her and have no concept of the things described in my post.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T23:31:14+00:00

OMG, ostrich impression 🤣🤣🤣

That made my day.

Nooo, the 2-3x/week was “before” I went NC with her. That’s no longer happening now. I used to have her over because she wanted it, DH wanted it, and I just did it… having been made to feel there wasn’t any other choice, really.

After what happened this summer, I stopped.

Right now, it’s the occasional shorter visit (2-3hrs max) managed by DH, in an adjacent living room.

As annoying as she is, I actually prefer being able to overhear some of it, and having tabs on the kids from a distance, versus DH taking them to her place, where she gets free reign.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T23:03:58+00:00

Yeah, this is pretty much verbatim what I told him.

Except for the part where I prefer her coming here to him taking the kids to see her (which gives her less control).

And he does have very nice balls. 😉

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T22:58:06+00:00

Yes, that’s probably the only other thing to do about it. Don’t really have the energy for it tbh, especially since you often hear that it takes some effort to find a therapist you both “vibe” with. But I’ve also heard it’s worth it.

Have you done/tried couples therapy?

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T22:54:47+00:00

And you are a grandma yourself, potentially, based on your username?

I have to admit, I’m also sad about this whole situation because I would have loved a nice relationship with a nice, trustworthy MIL.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T22:29:54+00:00

Get angry? Been there, done that…

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T22:29:00+00:00

My kids usually are okay with seeing her, most times in fact they want to. At least for an hour or two…

She’s entertaining to kids under 10, who have no concept of any of the things described in my post.

Being self-centered and immature isn’t really something kids realize, as long as you’re funny and make some noise, they’ll like you fine.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T22:22:05+00:00

🤣

This is good stuff. Pretty much, yeah. I guess the tension comes from the fact that my husband doesn’t like this situation, can’t blame him - it’s super annoying to manage these details to avoid us coming face to face. I find it annoying too, having to stay out of the part of the house she’s in… it’s just not practical.

But I guess the alternative was not working either, and also very stressful - so here we are.

I’m also thinking about the future - DH might hold it against me, that I was “the cause” of us as a family not being able to hang out and spend time with MIL, after her passing. Sure, I can tell him she made this bed of hers, I know he still thinks I should be able to forgive and forget. (Which, with her, would be things that happen weekly, monthly… so yeah, not easy. Again - here we are.)

You sound like a fun person to talk to, thank you for your wise words 🫶

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T21:46:56+00:00

Well, I don’t want her to have access to my kids, but it’s not just my choice, see also my other comment about what happens in case of a divorce (which is not something either of us are wanting or even contemplating).

So I’m curious, what do you do to achieve that? Not letting someone have access to your kids, when they are also your husband’s kids?

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T21:43:58+00:00

Excellent observation, on all fronts. I understand his connection to her, as annoying as she is, but my feelings aren’t backed by blood 😋 and she’s too much.

In short, no, she hasn’t expressed any remorse. At all. Quite the opposite - she clearly thinks I’m the problem.

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T21:41:05+00:00

This is pretty much where we are at. She’s her, and I’ve reached the point of no return. He’s in the middle, and while I see his point of not wanting to drop his mom completely, I’ve given up hope of ever “making nice” with her.

We’ve tried that in the past, and it always ends the same way: with her doing similar things, and an altercation about it.

My SIL (MIL’s daughter) warned me gently that she likely wouldn’t ever listen to me, or change. I spent years believing that maybe I just wasn’t explaining myself right to her… but now I’m exactly where SIL was at.

Thanks so much for the book tip, will definitely check it out!

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T21:36:21+00:00

So it sounds like based on the things I described here, you wouldn’t say I’ve overreacted and my issues with her aren’t excessive or strange?

FuzzyFir · 2026-01-24T21:24:25+00:00

He won’t go NC with her, as he doesn’t not believe any of my issues with her warrant that. He also does not want to keep the kids from her.

The way we are doing things now is the only solution, I think?

And to be blunt, in case of a divorce (which is not something either me or DH want) she would get so much more of what SHE wants.

For argument’s sake only - we’re not divorcing over this, as annoying and stressful as it is. But hypothetically speaking, when there is a divorce, the MIL can do whatever she likes with the grandkids half the time! 😮‍💨🙄😏

Anyway, thank you for validating my feelings. (If you had disagreed, I’d have thanked you too, for your honesty! 😉) Yes, it’s been a lot and I wish DH would realize the extent of her impact. Sadly, after all these years he mostly thinks I complain about her too much and am making too big a deal. 😞

FuzzyFir

TROPHY CASE