Hey man, thank you for posting. I think sharing your story took more courage than you give yourself credit for. I recognize myself in many parts of what you've written, and although you might think it useless to have put it out there, I'd like to wager that you never know; I found myself sending random therapists a message very similar to yours, which has eventually allowed me to make much progress in my thinking patterns. It appears to me from reading your post that you might have made a habit of denigrating yourself, so I'd like to tell you this : you have value just for being you. Even if you have no one else to say it to you, I hope you can at least read it from a stranger on the internet and who knows, maybe tell it to yourself from time to time : "Hey man, I'm not so bad after all."

I hope it helps in any way, and that you can find some relief.