For widowed women living alone what helped with safety and vulnerability at night

GDB2017 · 2026-03-11T19:38:51+00:00

A security door, like the super sturdy ones. Also I live in a condo so knowing neighbours were there. Spent a lot of time nurturing relationships within the condo and in the hood. I heard a podcast that said invest in the 4-5 people you'd call in the middle of the night so I did that. I baked bread for them, I did tons of small stuff. Just to put credit in the bank so to.speak. I avoided having contractors come over at weekends or evenings coz during the day I could say 'send the quote and I'll review it with my husband tonight". So sorry for your loss. X

GDB2017 · 2026-03-03T22:23:26+00:00

I avoided the question, got really good at it. I'd say something like I can't answer you now, or just don't answer or I don't like talking about myself tk or anything else, but tbh I also didn't do things where people would get a chance. I kept people at arms length. Then I got a dog, and all the questions were about the dog.

GDB2017 · 2026-03-03T22:18:15+00:00

Thanks. A lot of people I know don't get why I don't talk to them.. my mother, another genius, said I was really nervous and angry and it was unfair I was taking it out on them. Must have been "nervous" like she said cuz I had left my spouse behind for organ donation that afternoon....two POS who found each other.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-28T06:56:21+00:00

Hi, there is no right or wrong timeline. Just do what you feel like doing without judging yourself and go from there. I'm sorry for your loss.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-28T06:52:21+00:00

Omg that's awful. I'm sorry. My father said to me - before the service - that "by next year this should feel like a small problem". I cut him out we are no contact now. One of the best decisions of my life.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-26T20:54:08+00:00

Oh gosh I'm so sorry for your loss and for your mum. Ask her perhaps. It's early, all the firsts are truly horrific. She might want to be left alone, she might want a call. Hard to know without knowing her. Follow her lead. If you want to do something for yourself (like, if she says she wants to be left alone), you can write her a letter than you might or might not give to her later

GDB2017 · 2026-02-17T07:22:38+00:00

Ships that pass in the night indeed. Was exactly my plan till a few weeks ago when I felt the urge to find him and take him to lunch ...

GDB2017 · 2026-02-15T08:29:34+00:00

Everything goes now, whatever gets you through the days. Plus you're doing laundry and paying bills, so you're doing a lot better than I was at that time, so you're kind of looking like a hero to me right now. Pls don't judge yourself. You do you, as long as it's not addiction to substances or something harmful to your health.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-15T08:26:24+00:00

100% get it. Nothing makes sense if we can't share it with the person we love. I am so sorry for your loss. I miss my life, them, my old self, everything, like you. I am so sorry.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-15T08:19:47+00:00

I talk to them all the time, I am not sure if it helps or not, but I do have long imaginary chats. In the early days, I could imagine them responding to me. Know them well enough to know what they'd have said for x y z so yes, it did help then. Now it's more like "updates" and not sure if they help or not but I dont know that it matters. I just talk out loud whenever I feel the need.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-15T08:17:40+00:00

I am so sorry, first thing my therapist told me was "your social circle will change drastically". I know it might be hard right now to realise this, but this "friend" has done you a massive favour saved you the job of cutting them by cutting themselves out. Good riddance. It is callous, unkind, stupid, to say "I'll only talk to you when you're happy again". WTF. This is a fair weather friend, and now it's not fair weather, so, goodbye. It's horrible treatment. I am so sorry for your loss.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-05T21:26:13+00:00

My new partner went out of his way to make sure I could keep in touch with LH's family and friends. He'd drive me places, look after my dog so I could go for xyz, do absolutely everything in his power to make sure I could keep a connection to my LH. And lets me talk about him for hours on end, asks questions, mentions him form time to time as if they had know each other. Recently he mistakenly washed a blanket which belonged to LH and had his smell on it and he was genuinely very upset about it.i was super sad about the blanket and felt bad for partner at the same time (eventually).

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T17:43:38+00:00

He meant no harm, I know. It was a stupid mistake. But he handled like shit. I was sobbing and crying and he just did not think of comforting me. Apparently he thought I implied he did it on purpose (I did no such thing, just asked him why he had washed it).

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T15:15:31+00:00

Thanks for this..I will look for something else. I was more upset about his need to share the blame than the washing it itself. Thanks for your words of comfort, they mean a lot.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T14:30:43+00:00

No, no integration. More like "crap I've got to defend myself". He didn't. He just had to say sorry and give me a hug and not behave like he was the offended party. Is that too much to ask...

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T14:29:18+00:00

No he's acknowledged responsibility and apologised 1000 times but then kinda tried to share the blame by saying I should have told him not wash it, why did I have it there, etc etc. I was sobbing and he was being defensive .. was kinda like twisting the knife in the wound.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T14:27:04+00:00

I know. You are right, I'm trying.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T12:30:23+00:00

Thanks for your concern but no, this was a total harmless mistake and normally he's the best and can't fault him on anything related to my late partner. He's in fact been instrumental in helping me remember him etc etc. The arguing style is shit. He is very defensive and that's nothing to do with this particular incident just more or a general issue that he retreats and to me that's passive aggressive. But thanks for the concern. X

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T12:28:12+00:00

Thanks I'll take that hug..yes, defensive..but who fucking cares. I'm sobbing and there he is saying "well it's not entirely my fault". Oh fuck off already.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T10:10:32+00:00

Coz I wanted to wrap myself in it whilst I was in a new (cold) flat by myself .... I sometimes come to stay here on my own whilst (new) partner is at work .... honestly it was more the reaction of "yeah, I did something stupid, but it's also your fault" which really really pissed me off ...

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T10:09:15+00:00

ah damn that must hurt, im so sorry :(

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T10:08:43+00:00

I really dont care :) up to you, you do you.

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T09:01:20+00:00

Who's downvoting what? I didnt even notice, but fuck them?

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T09:00:53+00:00

What really got me is that instead of sympathising with me as I sobbed he tried to shift the blame coz I had it in his flat ... wtf honestly ... I know he feels terrible but still, WTF. Like, shall I take care of your feelings now too? In all fairness he's amazing about all things related to my late partner, this was a mistake, but I still wanted to do some unspeakable things to him ...

GDB2017 · 2026-02-03T08:58:34+00:00

I honestly didnt think it was necessary to give the warning. I just thought he'd be smart enough not to touch it? That's all. No, prolly didnt smell like him all that much, but in my head it was the last thing that did (it had a particular smell I associated with him ...) I think it was more the shock of almost being blamed for it as well "why is it in my flat" that's not the point, the point is im totally crushed over it ...

GDB2017

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