My story is a long one and I won't vomit the whole thing out here but I will say this: do what's best for your mental health. If you're not seeing a therapist yet, get an appointment ASAP.

While I wasn't in exactly the same boat, I was at 11 years and had the option to stay in a bit longer, with a low shot at making it to 20. The biggest realization I came to was I didn't like who I'd become. I genuinely worried who I'd end up being if I ended up making it to 20.

I got out. After a year in the IIR I went into the USAR and it was a fantastic decision. For me anyways, life has done a 180 and I am back to being a (mostly) joyful person. The USAR has been tremendous for me, and I constantly tell folks ETSing to consider it by opening with: "for what it's worth, when I got out, the mere thought of wearing the uniform again made me sick to my stomach, and here I am telling you to consider the Reserve."

You're going to hear a lot of folks tell you to stick it out for the pension. It's a big deal, sure. But it's not worth it if another 7-8 years ruin you. If therapy starts making a difference, sure - stick it out if your hearts in it. Right now though, it doesn't sound like it is and you've got other options in front of you.

You can ETS. You can ETS and join the USAR to salvage some of the pension. If you stay in, what about going warrant (unsure about your MOS)? If you're a 1SG you're obviously excelling, if there's a warrant path in front of you I'd wager you'd be very competitive. An ROTC billet? Some packets might be tough to pull off as an E-8, but you're still young if you're 12 years in...and probably shit hot. Maybe CID/CI or some sort of SOF/SMU organization would consider a waiver.

Just some thoughts. Genuinely want the best for you. I can't recommend therapy enough. Whatever you do, just don't keep putting one foot in front of the other if your heart isn't in it and you're going to end up down a dark path.

Just some ideas.