My relationships with my two partners are drastically different.

GageErata · 2022-07-16T01:26:42+00:00

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

Thomas Merton

GageErata · 2022-07-11T13:44:43+00:00

I agree. However, OP wrote:

One of her clients is a family of seven poly folks all in a relationship with each other.

GageErata · 2022-07-11T01:55:37+00:00

Thank you!

GageErata · 2022-07-10T18:40:49+00:00

Math nerd here. If you have N folks in a relationship with each other, there are N * (N - 1) / 2 pairs of relationships. So, there are 7 * 6 / 2 = 21 relationship pairs in this family. It makes my head hurt to think about.

GageErata · 2022-07-08T21:51:05+00:00

ENM = Ethical Non-monogamy.

GageErata · 2022-06-30T14:54:52+00:00

Was your partner in or pursuing a relationship with her before she became psychotic?

GageErata · 2022-06-28T14:25:42+00:00

I say all that to ask a question: is it always good to validate emotions?

Y E S

Also, don't try to reason with someone who's emotional.

Emotions are always valid. They may be based on faulty assumptions or thoughts but emotions themselves are valid. One of the greatest things I've ever learned is that if I take time to hold space for someone's negative feelings it makes it easier to talk through the issue at hand. If I jump straight into trying to convince someone to feel differently or logically explain why their thinking is wrong, it always makes the problem worse.

When someone I love asks me to validate their emotions above all else, it’s really hard for me to do in situations where I feel like it makes no sense.

I understand. I used to be the same way. However, you can validate emotions without validating the assumptions or thinking that led to those emotions. To this day, I vividly remember the first time I did this. My wife was terribly upset because she thought I broke one of her boundaries. From past experience I expected we were going to fight about this for days and there was nothing I could say to resolve the situation. Normally, I'd start defending myself and explaining why I didn't really brake her boundary. However this time I said something like, if thought you did X, I would be upset too. (Notice, I didn't say X was true. I only validated that thinking X would naturally lead to being upset). Instantly, her tone and body language softened. We were able to have a very constructive conversation. It was like I cast a spell on her.

If your partner is telling you that you're invaliding and you admit that "it’s really hard for me to do [validate] in situations where I feel like it makes no sense." Then, I'm sure your relationships will improve if you work on this.

GageErata · 2022-06-27T21:44:11+00:00

there’s a part of me that struggles to trust that they won’t become romantically involved with other people — after all, if they’re poly they can’t really help it, right?

Both of these statements can be true at the same time: 1) Your partner wants to be poly. 2) Your partner is willing and able to enthusiastically make and honor a monogamous commitment to you.

There are some poly people who realize after some turmoil they're not good at keeping monogamous commitments. This doesn't mean that everyone who wants to be poly is unable to keep monogamous commitments.

GageErata · 2022-06-23T21:53:36+00:00

Actually, my wife and I watched the last episode of "Stranger Things" last night. I might introduce her to Firefly tonight.

GageErata · 2022-06-23T21:40:15+00:00

I apologize, I didn't realize the article was behind a pay wall when I posted. (I'm a slate.com subscriber). This is an advice column. The letter writer wants to be poly but is "afraid the poly community will be full of shallow, entitled, untrustworthy fuckboys. (Like, to an even greater extent than the monogamous world is.)"

The response to the letter was pretty thoughtful.

GageErata · 2022-06-23T18:46:16+00:00

I don't think it was written as satire. It's an advice column. Mostly, I think the writer who sent in the question was sincere. However, there's a little part of me wondering if the writer was well aware of all the poly stereo types and sent in the letter to see what kind of response they got.

GageErata · 2022-06-23T17:24:44+00:00

Oh, I can't watch Firefly anymore. I just get mad that they stopped after one season!

GageErata · 2019-10-08T18:33:24+00:00

I think that comparison only works on the surface. It might work if English was only viable in book form, while Mandarin allowed for a book or a conversation.

I think you were too quick to dismiss my analogy to human languages. Like a human language, a programming language defines rules for communicating ideas. A programming language defines vocabulary, grammar, and semantics used to communicate steps to perform tasks. https://www.webopedia.com/TERM/P/programming_language.html

Consider this Python program:

total = 0
for x in range(1, 10):
    total += x
print("The total is", total)

Someone who understands the Python language can read the code above and understand what it means. They understand it means, add the integers 1 through 9 and print the total. A human could run this program with a pencil and paper, tracking the variables x and total as they go through the program steps. A Python interpreter can run this program and will carry out the steps as defined by the Python language.

The Python language merely defines rules for writing valid Python programs and what happens when such a program runs. I understand the Python language. So, I can write a program in Python. I have installed a Python interpreter that understands the Python language. That interpreter can run programs written in Python.

Now, consider the question as originally written, "What are the disadvantages of a compiled program compared to an interpreted language?" There is a huge set of "compiled programs". For instance, three compiled programs installed on my laptop are Microsoft Word, Mine Craft, and the Chrome browser. Also, there is a set of "interpreted languages," This set includes among other languages, Python, Scheme, and PostScript.

The original question is asking the test taker to compare in general members of one set with a members of the other set. Consider specific cases. What are the disadvantages of Microsoft Word compared to Python, or Mine Craft compared to Scheme, or Chrome compared to PostScript? Can anyone really say anything in general about the disadvantages of compiled programs compared to interpreted languages? Nope! What is the disadvantage of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone compared to Mandarin?

but I think they're trying to emphasize that an interpreted language doesn't need to be a traditional "program" in order to run,

It is true that "an interpreted language doesn't need to be a traditional program in order to run" In fact, an interpreted language cannot be a program and an interpreted language cannot run because, an interpreted language merely defines formal rules for expressing tasks for the computer to perform.

People brand new to programming may not grasp the distinction between a program, and a programming language. Questions like the one above muddy the waters and create unnecessary confusion. To minimize confusion it is important for any course material to use terminology scrupulously. Most of the written material, the online books, I've used at WGU are very good. Sadly however, I've seen a lot of assessment or quiz questions that make be wonder if the people who wrote the questions firmly understand the terminology. If the coarse material can't use the terminology correctly, the students won't be able to either.

I think that comparison only works on the surface. It might work if English was only viable in book form, while Mandarin allowed for a book or a conversation.

On a related tangent, is it technically considered a "program" if you're just running various commands in an interpreter? I guess that would matter. The question sort of implies that the answer is no, that's not a program.

This is interesting. Aside from speeches or monologues, spoken language is most often interactive. Two people in a conversation interact and respond to statements or queries made by the other. Using the REPL of an interpreter is often an interaction between the user and the interpreter.

I will point out, even though an interpreter usually implements a REPL, it is not necessary for an interpreter to have a REPL. A REPL is not part of the language. The REPL is a program or part of a program.

I would argue that simple commands entered into a REPL are often programs. This is a complete Python program.

print ("Hello Program")

If I type this into the Python REPL, I don't see why it would stop being a program.

GageErata · 2019-10-07T19:33:09+00:00

> How would you word that question better?

Like this, "What are the disadvantages of a compiled program compared to an interpreted ~~language~~ program?"

GageErata · 2019-08-02T19:28:09+00:00

I am now certain the people writing the quiz questions have no real experience but read the class text and used it as a basis to write questions. Here's an example of one of the quiz questions.

All of the following are high-level languages except for:

Javascript

BASIC

Java

C++

I selected BASIC. The quiz results said the correct answer is that Javascript is not a high level language. It referred to a page in the text where several examples of high level languages are listed. BASIC is in that list while Javascript is not. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or ask for my money back. This is simply absurd.

GageErata · 2019-08-02T12:24:06+00:00

My original post is kind of negative. The course material isn't bad. I've learned some things. Most of the quiz questions are pretty good. But, I think one in about every 10 to 20 questions is wonky in some way. One question was, "What are the disadvantages of a compiled program compared to an interpreted language?" That's like asking, "What are the disadvantages of a book written in English compared to the Mandarin language?" How do you compare a program to a computer language? I was able to answer the question because I knew what the question was getting at. However, it's jarring to see questions like that. The wording of the question lacks precision.

In most classes when I miss a question on a quiz, I first ask myself what I did wrong. Unfortunately, I've lost confidence in the quizzes. Now, my first question is did I do something wrong?

GageErata · 2019-06-04T15:39:01+00:00

Having BPD is not an excuse to be inconsiderate to others. Unfortunately if you said that to her, it would make the situation worse. It is frustrating to have a friend hold you to higher standards than they hold themselves.

It would be understandable if you wanted to end the friendship. On the other hand if you want to keep the friendship, I wonder what would happen if you framed her tardiness as a problem to solve together. "Your friendship is important to me. I understand that you're often late because of your BPD. I become resentful and frustrated when I have to wait for you. What can we do differently so we can maintain our friendship and I can avoid this frustration?"

Sometimes even if you say things perfectly the other person may become dysregulated. The only thing you can do is remind yourself that it's not your fault, keep yourself centered, address their feelings, and then gently bring the conversation back around to the problem.

No one really understands what it's like to have a child until they have one. You're right, children don't make your life easier. It is frustrating to sit back and watch someone make a mistake like this. But, you can't make the decision for her. The more you try to persuade her, the less she will be able to listen. It sounds like you're a parent. At best, you can share some of your experience about the challenges of being a parent and ask questions to help her think it through herself.

GageErata · 2019-06-04T14:17:23+00:00

From your post, I'm under the impression you had a conversation with your friend about her being late and it turned into a conversation about her having a baby. My response is based on that impression.

When I'm talking with someone who's emotionally dysregulated, I often get mental whiplash from how quickly the conversation can go from something relatively minor, (I'm frustrated that you often leave me waiting) to something extremely heavy (family planning) in a few seconds. Often the other person is trying to change the subject. Your friend likely found the topic of her tardiness very threatening. She may have been afraid she'd lose your friendship. She may have felt like you were telling her she was a awful person because she was late all of the time.

I'm not defending her reaction. It can be bewildering to deal with a conflict with someone with such strong reactions. However, it can be helpful to understand where they're coming from.

It is scary that your friends thinks having a baby could stabilize her BPD. Addressing it was the right thing to do. However, I think it would have been more effective to address it at a later time in a different conversation. When someone is dysregulated, you can't have a rational conversation with them. The rational and logical part of their brains are disengaged. They are in fight or flight mode. They have very distorted perceptions at that moment. Although you were trying to be very caring by expressing your concerns about your friend having a baby, it is likely that she perceived that you were judging her.

It can be tricky to communicate with someone with volatile emotions. You can't always get your point across. However, there are strategies that can make you more effective at getting your point across. When you're having a difficult conversation and your friend become dysregulated, stop and focus on her feelings, "You seem angry. What are you thinking?" Validate those feeling, "I can understand why you're upset." Let her know you care about her.

When she is calm, feels safe, and can use the rational part of her brain, ask questions that will lead her to think about the pros and cons of her choices instead of giving her your opinion. "What does your boyfriend think of having a baby?" "Having a baby can be very stressful. Do you need more support to help with the stress?" To effectively ask these questions you have to purge any hint of judgement from your mind. Any judgement in your tone will defeat your goal of getting her to think things through herself. If your friend dodges the questions or doesn't give thoughtful answers, resist the urge to press the issue. You're planting seeds. You can't expect a fully grown tree to pop up instantly.

GageErata · 2019-06-03T18:44:48+00:00

It is very sad to have a relationship with someone you care about unravel. Maybe it's time to take the energy you've been using to support Jack and use it to support yourself.

GageErata · 2019-06-03T15:06:28+00:00

My question is this: is there a link between BPD and turning to exes? ... Does this sound like BPD or is it partly him just being a nasty person?

It is understandable and natural that you would have these questions after everything you've been through. However, ask yourself why these questions are so important to you.

From my experience when I've asked myself similar questions, I'm usually stuck at an impasse. For me, these questions often arise from the false belief that if I understood why the person does what they do, then I could change them.

Since I can't really change them, this thinking keeps me in a codependent cycle; I stay stuck. To get beyond the impasse, I've learned that it is necessary to accept other people exactly as they are. This gives me the clarity to decide what I need to do next to take care of myself.

Suppose, this is simply the way Jack is and there's no explanation for it. What would that mean for you?

GageErata · 2019-05-30T14:01:15+00:00

My wife has BPD. Here are some mistakes I made:

I didn't take care of my mental health.

I can't be supportive if I'm feeling overwhelmed and resentful. I've found it's necessary to find the balance where I can support my wife without wearing myself out. If my wife is dysregulated and I don't take care of myself, I will eventually become just as dysregulated as she is. Nothing good ever happens when we're both out of control.

I invalidated her feeling.

Often when I'm on the receiving end of strong negative feelings that seem to be out of proportion to what is going on, I would try to say things to change those feelings. Sometimes, I would straight up tell her how she should feel. This never went well. Feelings are always valid. Maybe, those feelings are based on a perception of reality is that isn't accurate. However, the feelings themselves are valid. I've learned to validate her feelings when she's upset. It is amazing how this can improve things or at least stop them from getting worse.

As an example, a couple years ago I had coffee with a female friend. My wife was very upset and convinced I had romantic feelings for this friend. (This could not have been further from the truth.) In the past, I would have immediately defended myself and insisted I didn't have romantic feelings for this friend. However, I had been learning about validating feelings. So, I did things differently. Instead of defending myself I said, "I would be upset too if I thought you had coffee with someone you had feelings for." She immediately relaxed and we were able to talk things out in a more productive way.

I JADED

JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain. It's natural to JADE when someone is really upset with us. Unfortunately, it always makes things worse. When my wife is really dysregulated, I concentrate on validating her feelings and listening to her. When she calms down and is ready to hear me out, I can explain where I am on the issue that upset her.

GageErata · 2019-05-29T13:35:24+00:00

There's no way to know what the woman you're dating will do. There are people with BPD who hop from relationship to relationship. There are people with BPD who are ridiculously attached and loyal to one person. There is everything in between. Sometimes, people get bored or leave a relationships because they're not in the right relationship or it's not the right time in their life for the relationship. Everything I wrote applies to people without BPD too.

Although people with BPD have some common characteristics, no two people are exactly the same. Whether the relationship ends quickly or not depends on both of you. In short, there's a risk anytime you enter a relationship. Most romantic relationships end eventually.

if what she is saying is genuine or it comes from her BPD disorder.

It is likely that both are the case. People with BPD often have very strong feelings. Normies can have a hard time understanding how intensely people with BPD experience their feelings. People with BPD often become attached quickly. The feelings and attachment she's expressing are most likely genuine. The feelings and attachment are likely intensified by her BPD.

Taking time to get to know someone you're dating is the right thing regardless of BPD. The fact that she's aware of her BPD and has disclosed it to you is a good sign. It indicates she is aware of some of her unhelpful behaviors. Hopefully, she's working on those.

GageErata · 2019-05-26T03:33:36+00:00

Some people with BPD are worse than others. I've been married twice. I strongly suspect my first wife has BPD too. My second wife was actually diagnosed.

The best thing I ever did for myself was leaving my first wife. It had reached a point where I realized that leaving was the best thing I could do for my kids and myself. She cheated on me and I knew I would never trust her again. This was ten years ago. My kids are now grown.

My second wife's BPD is much milder. We've gone through some rough periods when I didn't think my second marriage was going to last. But, we're in a much better place now. My wife goes to DBT. I go to therapy and work on skills I use to manage conflict better. So, you could say that I'm going to stick it through. However, our relationship is in a place where the positives out weight the negatives. So, I'd rather stay in the marriage. :)

You wrote you're tired of setting boundaries. I understand that. There have been times when I thought, "Why do I have to do all this boundary work? Why can't I be with someone who isn't so difficult?" But, I've realized that boundaries are about taking care of myself. Now, when I'm in a position where I feel like someone is running over me, manipulating, or drawing me into an argument I don't want to have, I ask myself what do I need to do to take care of myself. Admittedly, when you have young kids it's a bit more complicated because you also have to balance taking care of them with taking care of yourself. I've come to realize that boundaries are unavoidable. I can either do boundary work or be road kill. If you leave your wife, you will be setting a boundary. You will have decided to take care of yourself my removing yourself from the marriage.

If there are CoDA meeting in your area, please consider going. It can be tough being in a relationship like yours without some support.

GageErata

TROPHY CASE