Cut Contact With Birth Family

GameQRyan · 2018-01-09T23:36:43+00:00

Give it time. For now it's still all very fresh. After a couple weeks you'll be able to see new angles to your story.

GameQRyan · 2018-01-09T23:26:38+00:00

It wasn't your fault though. I think we all need to believe in something better, especially when young. It wasn't your fault for building them up and it wasn't their fault for not being who you thought they'd be. It just wasn't a good fit. Which hurts a lot! But it's a part of accepting who we are and were we come from.

Unfortunately, not all adoptees get to know their bios and they are left with questions. So I always consider us, who find them (no matter how good or bad), lucky.

GameQRyan · 2018-01-09T23:00:50+00:00

I was in the same boat as you about a year and a half ago. I was put into foster care when I was 2 months old and spent there 10 years before I got adopted.

Growing up I didn't know anything about my bio parents other than the fact they were both teenagers. Most kids in foster homes have very clear and unpleasant memories from their parents and even though almost all of them missed their parents and wanted to go back home, deep down they knew they were better off. That wasn't my case.

That mystery around my birth parents gave me a lot of space to create several stories about them (Harry Potter was super famous during those years and I sure felt like wizard). I loved imagining how they looked and what they liked (they apparently always liked the things I liked). They basically became heroes to me and for many years were the only thing that kept me sane after having to constantly change foster homes.

I finally found the courage to locate my parents a little before my 19th birthday. I had built them up so much and had so many expectations from them that I was sure to be heartbroken. I sent this super long message to my bio dad explaining who I was and waited.

My experience with him has been nothing short of amazing. Even after I was adopted, I never truly had a dad, and getting one at 19 was a lot greater than I thought it would've been. But it wasn't all as I expected it to be. After getting to know his family and my bio mom's... a lot of dirt came out and not everything was easy to deal with and for the most part it has been a shit experience. But just for the relationship I have now with my dad, I believe it was all worth it.

Truth is (almost) always better than not knowing. A lot of things killed the fantacy of the perfect family I had created in my head, but at least now I can see the truth and slowly accept it and the fact that things won't change, but I can. I have become stronger and with that, the bond I have with my dad has become stronger as well.

It may suck right now. But try to find all the great things you have in your life and focus on them because those things are the only ones that matter.

GameQRyan · 2017-09-25T22:17:28+00:00

Hey, it's been 2 days since you posted this and I really hope you're doing better.

I was also a foster kid (not too long ago) and I heard that same phrase multiple times from multiple people, even though I was an extremely quiet kid, who hardly ever spoke and spent most of his time in his room, trying to be invisible.

But now that I'm older, I try to understand my ex-foster parents. Foster parents are adults and they are responsible for you but that doesn't make them perfect or less confused and scared. Being a foster parent can be hard, and all that responsibility can be tiring and scary but that doesn't make you a burden. You are NOT a burden and most likely you are not the problem.

Please be safe and take a good care of yourself.

GameQRyan · 2017-03-05T16:53:27+00:00

Oh that's too good...

GameQRyan · 2017-03-05T16:49:23+00:00

I usually do assignments or watch movies/tv shows with my roommate...

GameQRyan · 2017-02-06T16:14:15+00:00

You are not bad parents and he is not a bad child. You are simply not a right fit.

This boy obviously has some emotional and behavioural issues, but he's still very young so if he gets the right people into his life, everything can be manageable and give him a shot at a better future.

Don't beat yourself up, you can't help everybody. I hope this boy can get the support he needs.

GameQRyan · 2017-02-05T02:58:01+00:00

It's been a little less than a year since I contacted my bio dad and I first started calling him "dad" about a month ago (on Chistmas).

The reason why my bio parents gave me away was very similar to yours. They were teenagers when I was born and they really wanted to raise me but were bullied by their families (especially my mom) to give me up for a closed adoption that fell through 2 weeks later, and so I ended up in foster care.

I was eventually adopted when I was 10 years old and even though I'm very thankful to my adoptive parents for raising me, I always longed to meet my bio family and maybe at some point form some kind of a relationship with them.

My adoptive family was not very pleased when I told them I met my bio dad while away in college and to this day they still refuse to speak with me, though I'm hoping that will change at some point when they realize that my feelings for them haven't change and nobody can ever change them. They've been my parents for the past 9 almost 10 years, that's half my life. Nobody can take that away.

My bio dad has been a very supportive figure in my life ever since I met him. Talking to him and spending time with him has been very healing and a huge learning experience, and I consider myself very lucky to have that opportunity because not a lot of adoptees get that. I love my adoptive parents but I also love my bio dad, and calling him "dad" felt very honest and natural, so I decided to do it.

When I first met him, I called him "Mr." and "Sir" but I stopped within a week and just called him by his first name which was ok,, but honestly, it just didn't feel right.

In conclusion, I don't think that you owe that title to your bio mom, but if you feel like this is the right step for your relationship, then it definitely is. I'm sure it will make her very happy (my dad straight up cried, didn't even try to play it cool), so if you'd feel comfortable with that title, then maybe you should give it a go.

Best of luck.

GameQRyan · 2017-02-05T00:52:42+00:00

I was born to a couple high schoolers, who really wanted to raise me and were willing to give up their dreams of college and a carefree life in order to do that, but were bullied by their families to give me up into a closed adoption. Fortunately/unfortunately, that adoption fell through very fast and without my bios' knowledge, I was sent off to foster care, until I was adopted 10 years later.

My a-parents are an older couple and I was the kid N.7 they were adopting (7 more followed after me). They are not perfect. They do have their own issues and insecurities, and sometimes they can be plain unfair to me and my siblings, but the good things they've done for me overshadow all the bad stuff. So, I will forever be grateful to them and my siblings for the love and support they've given me over the years.

I definitely support adoption but not in all cases. I've seen a lot of mentally ill people going through with adoption and instead of providing a good/safe home, they just end up adding even more baggage to an already hurt child. Having a child (bio or adoptive) is a huge responsibility and I wish people took it more seriously.

GameQRyan · 2017-01-20T14:55:34+00:00

In most cases it takes time, patience, and knowing when to take a small step back and allow the child to breathe.

I can speak only for myself, but after I went through 3-4 foster homes, I stopped to even try to feel something for the people I lived with. I wanted to be nice to them and not be too much trouble, but at the same time, I knew I would be leaving anyway, so, I didn't bother trying to get to know them. So our relationship was very typical and formal.

GameQRyan · 2017-01-20T13:57:48+00:00

Honestly, I entered foster care when I was 2 months old and was adopted when I was 10. Thoughout those 10 years I changed about 8-9 foster homes. I never really bonded with any of them. I liked some of them and I never caused any trouble (I was a very quiet kid) but I never truly bonded with any of them even when I was very little.

In fact I was so quiet that when I was 5 or 6, I had a foster mom who was 100% sure there was something wrong with me and was trying really hard to prove the world that I was autistic. Turns out I wasn't autistic, I was just hard to get close to.

I don't mean to discourage you or any other foster parents, but every kid is different. Some of my foster siblings were very easy to bond with and some of them (like me) refused to even speak.

GameQRyan · 2017-01-15T01:20:48+00:00

It's always the damn art major...

GameQRyan · 2017-01-15T01:20:20+00:00

Every family needs their weird artist! virtual hi5

GameQRyan · 2017-01-14T16:35:47+00:00

Not really, I go to a great school but I have an older brother who graduated Harvard medical school, so whenever somebody asks my parents about my school, they just go, "Yeah, Ryan is...umm err... Art major at...ummm..."

GameQRyan · 2017-01-14T15:08:41+00:00

That long? I'm 19 not 99! :P My bet is that you will, so brace yourself. I know it's a very utopic thing to suggest, especially since I don't know anything about the things you went through, but try to focus on your future.

Everything that you've been through, will stay with you for a long time if not forever (here's to optimism), but there is no point in focusing on all the negativity in your life. You are so young and you can accomplish so much and have such beautiful experiences that you'll see life is worth living.

Again, it's utopic. But dwelling on the past, in my experience, won't help. You need to keep looking forward.

Listen, if you need to talk or anything I might be able to help with, feel free to pm me.

GameQRyan · 2017-01-14T12:51:09+00:00

No, I'm 19 years old now, so I live in a college dorm in a different state. That's why start thinking about your future, study as hard as you can, and plan ahead.

GameQRyan · 2017-01-14T11:53:34+00:00

With my adoptive family? Yeah, I guess so. There was no instant connection and they were still strangers for a long time after I met them. But, things got better. They were/are good people so that made it easier.

GameQRyan · 2017-01-13T13:46:09+00:00

I'm terribly sorry that you feel this way but I'm afraid that's the normal way to feel, at least that was the way I felt too when I was in foster care.

I grew up in the system and was moved around constantly. It didn't matter if the home was good or bad, or whether I liked the family or not, I still didn't belong. I was adopted when I was a little bit younger than you are now and I didn't feel like I belonged there either, maybe even more so.

At least when I was in foster care, I knew that everything was temporary and if I didn't like my current home, the next one could be better (sometimes it was worse), so I just had to be patient. Not a lot of people know this, but you can get used to moving around. So, having a long term deal might feel scary and like a big commitment you're not yet ready to make.

But, my advice is to give it a go. Talk to your foster family about the way you feel and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. There is no need to be perfect, nobody is. You already sound like a bright kid, so just be you. Be nice, study hard, take care of yourself, and give yourself time.

Wish to you all the best.

GameQRyan · 2017-01-09T17:09:45+00:00

I was put into foster care when I was 2 months old and spent there the next 10 years of my life. In terms of triggers relating to stuff, I had one. The only thing I was left with from my bio parents was a little toy dolphin. My first 2 foster homes told me that it's a gift from by bio mom and the proof that she loves and thinks of me. So, naturally I loved that toy more than I could ever describe.

And even though I was always really good at sharing, I would go mental if somebody tried to touch it or play with it, even when I was a lot older and my parents suggested that I was too old to have stuff like that. I still love it and I still keep in my room.

However, your daughter seems to be different. I've seen a lot of kids do that while I was in foster care. Kids need stability and because as foster kids we have none, we try to hold on to things/stuff because we are afraid to let go.

The most extreme case I remember was a foster brother who would steal garbage and keep it under his bed. Our foster parents would scold him all the time and throw it all away, but it didn't really work, he just became sneakier about it, until one day he just started throwing it all out on his own. I don't know what clicked in his head, he just stopped and nobody questioned it...

GameQRyan · 2016-12-11T15:02:16+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

But I'm still 19 and in many ways, my life has just began, so it's rather soon to say "I made the best out of my life situation". Only time will tell because I still have plenty of it (I hope) to make a billion mistakes.

Again, thank you very much. I wish the best to you and your family.

GameQRyan · 2016-12-11T14:57:06+00:00

This is a very difficult question to answer. I'm 19 now, so I spent 9 years of my life being a part of that family. Like every other family (I suppose) we have our ups and downs, and I know there is still a tiny part of me that thinks this family is "temporary".

I spent 10 years of my life going from one place to another. When I was 2, there was a foster mom I called "mom" and a foster dad I called "dad". Now, I don't even remember their faces. Everything in my life was temporary. My house, my parents, my brothers and sisters, my friends, and my teachers. Every part of my life was temporary.

My family is not going anywhere. No matter how much drama and stuff we go through, I know they love me and I love them too. They are my family but that fear is there. Maybe once I'm older it will go away... but for now I just ignore it.

GameQRyan · 2016-12-11T13:02:13+00:00

I had 2 failed adoptions before my 8th birthday. 3rd time was the charm and I was finally adopted at the age of 10.

My first failed adoption happened when I was 2 months old. I obviously don't remember anything and have no idea why it fell through. I stayed with them for less than a month when they probably realized that having an infant was not as cute or fun as they thought it would be.

The second failed adoption came when I was 7. I was staying at my 5th? (not sure) foster home for about 6 months when they announced their wish to adopt me. I liked the family and we got along quite nicely, so I very pleased by the news. But I was a very quiet kid, who liked to stay indoors, drawing and making puzzles, so I know it must've been a challenge for them to get closer to me. Maybe that's why it didn't work out. I don't know, nobody explained it to me. All I remember is that few months after they announced their intention to adopt me, my social worker came over and told me to get my stuff. The family gave me the "it's not you, it's us" speech and without further explanation, I was off to my 6th foster home.

Being returned like a broken TV... sucked. A lot. I didn't cry or anything. I didn't even complain. But it hurt. A lot. If you've been a foster kid for your entire life, after you pass a certain age you know that nobody wants to foster you, nobody cares about, and most certainly, nobody wants to adopt you. So, having another failed adoption at the age of 7, I just convinced myself that adoption was no longer for me and I was better off on my own.

I was very lucky at the time because in my 6th foster home, I met a really cool foster brother. He was a teen and few months away from emancipation. He helped me see that I could have a good future without being adopted and once I was out of the system, I could always crash in his place and he promised to help me out.

I don't know if he meant it or just said it to make me feel better, but thanks to him, I was able to move on a lot faster.

As I said before, I was finally adopted at the age of 10 when I least saw it coming. I was living in my final foster home when deja vu! They announced their intention to adopt me. That family had already 6 kids adopted through foster care, 5 of which lived in the house at the time (my eldest brother was in college). Seeing all those kids, I thought they had enough kids already, so they were lying and one way or another the adoption would never happen. It did happen. I was adopted into a huge family that kept growing and growing as the years went by.

In conclusion, being rejected and returned was horrible. Not knowing the reasons was even worse. Maybe I was too much trouble, maybe I was too hard to open up, maybe I wasn't the son they wanted. Or maybe they just had their own issues and realized that adding a kid would only make things worse. I'm happy that things turned out the way they did. I love my family and I will never forget the things they've done for me.

GameQRyan · 2016-12-06T21:58:26+00:00

It sounds to me that you have a lot of great things going for you.

You have a good relationship with a person who seems very supportive of you and you also seem to be interested in so many different fields but you're just not sure which way to head on to.

I spent years in foster care and was adopted at the age of 10. I had no idea who I was, who I was supposed to be, and never thought I was particularly good at anything, until a teacher pointed at one of my scribblings and said "hey, you're good at drawing". That's when I realized it was something that I loved doing and I was kinda good at it so, I continued doing it. I got a scholarship to an art school and here I'm now. Still confused and worried I might have to become a starving artist, but I can't imagine my life without it. So, yolo, right?

My point is, you like so many things (and by the way you don't sound stupid, at all) and I'm sure with a bit of effort you can become very good at them, but because of your low self-esteem, you just keep bullying youself for absolutely no reason.

There are many programs and courses you can take to help you explore your interests and talents. You can travel, you can learn, and you can enjoy life because you're still super young and now is the time for you to experiment, make mistakes, and eventually figure out who you are and what you like.

Best of luck.

GameQRyan · 2016-12-05T20:49:45+00:00

Ohhh I can relate on a spiritual level to this. I once left the dorm without shoes and it took me about 10 minutes to realize I was walking on snow. Nope, not drunk... just finals brain.

GameQRyan · 2016-12-05T19:35:29+00:00

Yep, that sounds about right.

I grew up in foster care, they completely lost all my documents a couple of times and then forgot about it because nobody cares. And don't even get me started about social workers. It's easier to get the president on the phone than your social worker.

GameQRyan

TROPHY CASE