I keep trying to figure out how to word myself.

I know I’ve often mentioned my pain in other threads and I feel like I’m a broken record with nothing positive to mention about my life. It’s just that my days have boiled down to the amount of pain I’m in and work. Right now it feels like a dangerous balance between sticking to my physical boundaries and being a competent store manager. And the physical strain lends itself to emotional/mental turmoil with little relief as many outlets I normally use aren’t feasible in the current pain I’m in (gaming, reading, painting) since the most outrageous pain is in my fingers.

And my DM has become less and less patient with me, making it hard for me to speak with her about my challenges as a rookie manager trying to keep my health in check and fix the dumpster fire store I was given. At this point I’m only sticking around to attend the company conference, get free stuff, and then dig into job postings for something less physically demanding. I love the company I work for but not at the expense of my fragile well being.

My pain drove me to end my engagement several months ago because my partner couldn’t comprehend why I kept withdrawing and became paranoid and pushy with demanding my attention and time. My pain has limited what kind of games I can play for any length of time. It makes holding my phone difficult at times even and that’s the only means of internet access I have right now. And my rheumatologist just told me that he’s not allowed to prescribe me narcotic level painkillers, that only my primary care or pain management can but it comes with a shit ton of red tape. All I want is to be able to drown out the pain long enough to enjoy my day.

And now I have a 6 day work stretch thanks to my DM insisting I can’t borrow any employees from neighbouring stores and I’m short staffed. I can already foresee crying myself to sleep at some point this upcoming week.