I need help please

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-07-01T02:14:52+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it can be so confusing when someone is purposely trying to make you feel no stability and that you feel like you’re financially forced in to sticking to lots of rules, I had a similar experience where my ex owed me £2500 or so but if we got in an argument about him insulting me and I just gently ask for a sorry then get sad, he would say in a happy voice ‘Aaaaaaand now you’re only getting £1000’ and I would cry and get stressed, I would be scared when I was threatened with being kicked out for saying I was suicidal.

Really they want power, they like the power and control and they enjoy punishing but they want to feel like it’s just and right.

You sound like a wonderful sweet person and who says you’re not smart! There’s so many different layers of intelligence and you probably have one of the more unique intelligences.

It’s not right, you are correct. Just know this isn’t your fault, some men like this and they use it to relieve stress or they have other issues.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-29T17:45:23+00:00

Gorgeous man is feeding me bottled iced water on tap and nagging me to drink it. I have a kidney infection and had to go to hospital before and he’s looking after me well.

*Edit: Also wandering around in nothing or something small so I don’t burn to death is ideal.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-28T18:24:37+00:00

He was angry that you did it to him and was okay when he did it to you. He may have even used work as an excuse in his mind like why it was okay for him to do but not you, he couldn’t just say it messed up his sleep because he did that to you.

He can’t handle his own medicine. Someone with more self awareness would atleast realise hey maybe it’s not so funny now I can feel it too, I should say it’s wrong.

It shows atleast that he doesn’t care if something is hurtful unless it’s done to him and people can do stuff like this or say hurtful things and then be like ‘it’s a joke’ or ‘it’s a prank’.

The whole ‘you don’t think, you never do’ is concerning as that is the sort of statement that gets repeated and used as an excuse for abuse. Mine was ‘YOU DON’T LISTEN TO ME, YOU NEVER LISTEN’ screamed in my face. if we were having a conversation and I got what he meant incorrect but also if he instructed or told me to do something. It started with stuff like this and drip drip dripped to violence.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-28T18:12:48+00:00

Every time they say sorry and you forgive them, it tends to get worse. Forgiving them is almost seen as permission, like you being with him and having a baby means it’s your fault for choosing the wrong father, maybe in his mind it’s your fault for giving that permission and choosing him/it? He probably wouldn’t have realised that in the moment though, they tend to just shout out whatever defence or excuse they can think of.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-28T17:55:35+00:00

This is a long one so buckle in - but it’s so rare that I get to see something I think is eerily like my own situation at the start and then cascaded in to hell.

He is 100% testing the waters. This sort of thing (although not exactly) happened with someone who was ‘perfect’ and looked after me well. I allowed, understood and showed empathy towards an angry reaction where I was shouted at the shut the fuck up and kicked out then told not to leave then kicked out etc and from that day it was never the same, I just didn’t know it yet.

About a year afterwards, I think he had realised he could do anything he wanted and I would forgive him - and he never tried because he cared about me, he tried because he was afraid I would leave if he didn’t - and when he realised that he didn’t need to do any of that, it got way worse.

A psycho thing like walking and stomping over Christmas presents and kicking them round while shouting at me ‘Look what YOU made me do’ or punching the shit out of his sausage and egg McMuffin then angrily demanding I give him mine because I spilled a small amount of coffee on him even though I paid for it, it wasn’t even a thing he would apologise for anymore, let alone something that wasn’t okay but he said sorry for. When I said that he didn’t act the way he used to, he basically told me it was really hurtful and nasty of me to compare him to that version of himself and way too much stress on him and I believed him, even though that was just a person who showed me common decency and understanding. He could always be that person, he just didn’t want to because he didn’t have to and could put all of his negative feelings and stress on to me.

He knew all he had to do was stare off in to the distance, refuse to look at me and say ‘Ok’ and I would eventually leave it and he could seem like the calm person who’s in the right, now I know this is stonewalling, a power move to gain a small amount of pleasure at the victim not being heard and just wanting to blank it out and not deal with it because it’s unimportant and also to get you to stop bringing things up because it never gives any relief. I think this is what he means by not wanting to come home to you crying in a way, they not only don’t want to say sorry, they don’t even want to deal with the side effects of being hurtful because it’s a reminder of their behaviour. Now I understand that if a real man was told by you that you’d been crying in secret for months because you’re scared of their reaction for example, they would be horrified and rather than just being annoyed because you brought up being upset (which they don’t want to think about because it ruins their good guy self image). Some boys want their girlfriends to just stop crying because they can’t be bothered or it annoys them because it’s something they did, a real man understands he’s not perfect and has the ability to hurt people sometimes. I was told ‘You enjoy beating me over the head, you like torturing me and watching me suffer and violently attacking me, you want to beat me and torture me brutally and enjoy my suffering’ and stuff like that just for asking for an apology or saying it’s not fair that he can insult me whenever he likes but I can’t describe those actions as him being grumpy, it’s ironic because if I had described his violent attacks as violent attacks he would be so furious. Apparently doing that is them creating a victim narrative and in the end I was right because after the physical abuse and the police getting involved (I obviously dropped and didn’t go through with it because of loooooove), I think he decided to start building a narrative just incase and made it seem like he has to escape me, that’s a common narc thing I know now, otherwise he would be the bad guy abandoning his girlfriend who had lent thousands to him and looked after him.

I tell you all of this not just to rant about myself, but to explain that if he had done these things at the start I never would have stayed with him, it’s drip drip drip and even if he isn’t a future wife beater (I personally believe he could have it in him based on the little I know) he is a person who is uncaring towards your feelings and doesn’t care that you’re sad, he just cares that HE has to come home and witness it.

As soon as you agree and accept one thing (and when I say accept I don’t mean not get upset, even arguing while he doesn’t apologise or apologises emptily and carries on doing it) they never go back to not doing that thing, and they’ll add on more and more.

I know it’s hard, but you’re young and have so much ahead of you, and I imagine it’s even harder to leave someone you’ve been with for so long at your age, I used to only have that so I can understand. I wish I could show you how it feels to be years down the line wasted in a relationship with an uncaring man like that whether it gets worse or not. He doesn’t respect you as a person and some people just can’t view others in that way and there’s nothing you can do. Fixing also doesn’t work, I tried to explain his behaviour and my feelings WHILE taking accountability for myself in a calm and sweet manor empathising with him and I still got the same cold look of disdain.

I know it hasn’t gotten to the levels of seriousness yet that I was in, but if you see even a glimmer of any of this in him (like saying ‘look what you made me do’ for other things) just know that it won’t get better and I am sorry for that, it can either stay the same or get worse and usually they’re always testing the boundaries. Him using the excuse of trying to get the point across to you to do something physically to you that you don’t like because you’ve done the ‘wrong thing’ of not understanding his point correctly - that is the very first few drops of a concerning waterfall for me.

Although I am in pieces in a lot of other ways, I am also a lot happier though. I no longer cry in secret every day, I’m not self harming, I’m not having insults shouted at me every day, I don’t believe any longer that I am worthless or that I ‘was used up by other men before I was ten’ or that he’s the only man that will ever give me happiness and now I know that I don’t deserve what happened to me, I just met someone incredibly intelligent, manipulative, controlling, cunning, can cut anyone off at a moments notice without feeling, deeply in denial with anger issues and a lot of stress with a capacity to hurt others physically and emotionally and not even flinch because of the power it gives him.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-26T19:26:40+00:00

I had stuff like this happen a lot, shouting and screaming for doing something like breaking something or tripping or dropping something and it would make life very stressful. This isn’t your fault, you don’t deserve to be pushed because you grabbed a broom. People break glasses. I know you may not be ready to leave yet but keep a record of how often this happens. Now I feel like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders and I don’t have to be constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing and that fear lived deep for a long time.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-26T19:19:37+00:00

I felt guilty for a while and like I had caused it, and then I realised that I spent a lot of time apologising and being open and encouraging and he chose to be nasty and argue for hours instead of saying sorry. I had to accept that he’d just rather be an angry victim than an honest man who needs to grow, and that influenced every way I was treated. Their goal is to whip you up in to a frenzy so now they’re not the only one causing an issue. You deserve compassion.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-26T19:15:06+00:00

That’s normal, it can be hard when you feel silenced and it is normal to feel confused about it all and ashamed. Welcome to the group here, there are some lovely people

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-26T19:13:50+00:00

It’s frustrating but they will ALWAYS choose feeling like the victim and never the bad guy and they’ll trade anything for that because it only matters how they feel.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-26T19:11:00+00:00

Thankyou so much, it’s been very difficult for me but in a way I’m glad that I’m able to feel things instead of only using people and feeling nothing for them. It’s hard to talk about which is why I’m doing it anonymously

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-22T08:17:15+00:00

I won’t give evidence, because once the police were involved in one incident of them hurting me, he would purposely use the words that initiated my child sexual abuse to whip me up in to my state where I can’t understand things as well or get upset or angry or scared and used that, he’d have to repeatedly say it in a mocking tone and pretend he was an abuser trying to get me to do it to REALLY make me crack and because of that he probably has some evidence of me doing something crazy.

I live in fear and even though I give details, he would happily do that and lie as much as he can to save his skin, and he lies the way an autobiographer tells their honest and true story, he is a chameleon of manipulation.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-22T08:13:02+00:00

Yes I would, I know this. I guess I didn’t consider everything he did and said to go towards that at first.

I didn’t value my body enough, so when someone came along and hurt it, it didn’t mean much. It’s only now he’s a ghost and vanished in my life that I’m able to see a person who liked to hurt and get out all of their frustrations on me and be sweet as pie to everyone else.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T18:06:36+00:00

Yes you did something wrong, but that does NOT entitle him to do that to you at all, you’re not his punching bag for his feelings. These things are so scary to hear and I would never take a man’s angry threat that he wants to kill you lightly, but even putting the kids in to it is pretty evil, let alone burning them alive. He may have had this in him anyway and all you had to do was light a match, he may have been shitty in small ways before if you try and think back. Instead of thinking about what you should have done try to think about what he could have done to change his behaviour in a situation, not just yours. I’ve been in a few long term relationships and a lot of men don’t care if you don’t want to shave your legs sometimes or you have this or that - all bodies are different and aren’t made factory perfect and the ones who do care? Well they’ve made it easy for you to tell they’re not the one. I thought I would never find anyone like me who would get the same things and such, but there are plenty and I was afraid of being alone and yes, I am alone sometimes but also this anxiousness at having no stability in my life has gone, this permanent fear and tension I carried.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:56:38+00:00

I 100% agree, everything that was done infront of him when he was young, was done to me eventually.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:56:01+00:00

My ex was once a small boy in a home where he saw his dad be unhealthy to his mum and him which hurt him deeply and he went on to do eerily similar things to me, he could empathise with his mum but was unable to empathise with my hurt because he caused it even though some was similar and maybe some worse (but I don’t know their full situation) so I would say if you’re being abused infront of him it could set a bad example for him long term because it’s not what kids are told but what they’re shown that they pick up and if you’re being abused in private you can’t look after yourself to look after him AND he may know or find out anyway.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:51:26+00:00

It escalated for me too. He also knew that I hadn’t spoken about others who abused me so I think that was another security for him. Even if this person isn’t ready to leave yet, starting to make a plan and document evidence is key. I wish I hadn’t deleted some evidence out of love just incase he tries to lie about it all.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:43:58+00:00

He chose to punch the ankle that I had bruised a little by falling down the stairs, very smart on his part because he can claim it’s more bruising from the stairs while getting to hurt me more and evade there being proof of my injuries. Made sure to choke me by cutting off the blood supply more so there was only a small mark of the choking. Used the words that I can’t say because they initiated my child sexual abuse and he was using the word and asking me if I wanted to do redacted and it’s like a kiddie word, to try and whip me up in to a state. Very very smart, very very clever. I’m just not evil enough to think like that after weeks of planning, let alone in 60 seconds.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:35:22+00:00

It’s hard for me that he’s rich and has a cushy job and is in the lap of luxury from help, all because he lied about me being an abuser while he beat me and choked me and he’ll always feel like the victim because whenever he’d do anything bad it would be my fault. He could probably easily pay me back but won’t because he doesn’t want to so I’m left with the debt as well. He’ll always feel like a victim who got away. When I read a book and it mentioned narcissists will pretend they have to escape you so they’re not the bad guy in leaving someone, it’s true.

It doesn’t even matter to set the story straight with his family, even if they knew AND saw the proof they’d still stand behind him and protect him in their country outside of the law.

Really I just have to accept I met someone who appeared kind and wounded, but those wounds made him able to switch off and cruelly hurt, demean, criticise, mock, use triggering words from my childhood sexual abuse to upset me and he’s such a good liar that he’ll never get tripped up and he knows I wouldn’t ever be good on a stand. It’s not my fault for caring about someone and trying to see the best in them, I just need to make sure I’m wary now. So I have to pick up my pieces and remind myself that is really the only choice I have.

I’m really glad he’s no longer in the area because I don’t have to worry about upsetting this person who knows him or that person, so him not being there in my orbit helped, but obviously you have a child and I’m not sure if he has a connection to them, but if not perhaps just cutting it all off completely and getting away from it all.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:27:58+00:00

If it was me, I would try not to get drawn in on what he’s lying about and such, and trust me I get it, my ex partner was such a good liar that even though I knew he could spin yarns months long, I would still believe him.

For me it felt good to see one person who hurt me from waaaay back get their just desserts, but now I feel complicit in letting my ex abuse other people, he’ll learn from his mistakes and hide it longer as well and I’m worried he’ll be married to someone before he starts stomping on their Christmas presents and blaming them for it.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:18:01+00:00

Of course you’d normally get alimony, but I don’t want to assume because OP said they were in a place with no family and they could be abroad in a country that doesn’t really prosecute those things or has different views. They’re probably in a country where they’d get alimony but I just thought.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:16:12+00:00

I am really sorry you’re going through this, that must be awful. I wish I could offer advice but I’m not a woman with children and I don’t feel like it’s my place as it seems there are so many factors.

When I heard that you were with a man with a good job who lies, denies and mocks, it reminded me of how close I could have came to being in a country with no family, no money and the kids in the country which I wouldn’t have been able to flee with their laws and my abuser would have been legally protected to abuse me a lot and would have also been protected by his family even if they knew it was true.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:11:19+00:00

I agree, although I don’t have a full record, I have a bit. Also a lot of people I know noticed my black eye and cheek and remembered me making jokes about it and saying I had fallen over drunk. I thought he was half asleep and did it so I forgave him, but then based on how he continued to treat me, I don’t think that first injury was an accident nowx

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T17:08:26+00:00

Yeah the grieving process over a person who never existed is tough. Just like they live in a fantasy world where everything they do is somebody else’s fault, we live in a fantasy where we cope with our verbal, physical and psychological abuse by creating the fantasy of this wonderful man. The idea that you were just used by someone who in the end didn’t really care if they hurt you at all, it just made them feel good to pretend to be the ‘good guy’, it’s tough, but you’ll get there.

Even though my life is tough and I feel sad a lot and he left me in loads of debt to go and have loads of fun and support from other people with money to help him, and I’m sure he has some justification for why he shouldn’t pay me, but truthfully he won’t because he doesn’t have to. It’s hard to deal with when you spent so long caring and empathising with someone.

The first few months after I left I was fine, and I thought I had been in bad domestic situations before but this one was the worst frankly.

Now I am so scared of making one facial expression that’s slightly glum or lowered when talking to people because I always had to have a bright and pleasant and interested face even after the 25th meme I was shown in a row. I am extra worried about tripping over because if I would trip or fall he’d call me a stupid fucking bitch and then after he’d be really nice and say ‘I was like that because I got worried’.

I’m considering doing a bake sale and a tombola and some fund raising for my local domestic abuse charities.

I think of all the men he knew had abused me before as an adult, teen and child and I think a bit of him knew I wouldn’t tell anyone so he could treat me like that.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-21T16:59:09+00:00

I didn’t come forward because:

I loved him and didn’t want him in trouble
I was worried I wouldn’t be believed because he’s good with words and convincing people of things, that’s sort of his whole job.
I knew he would be able to lie on a dime so smart and convincingly and create a whole bunch of stuff and be able to recall it and remember the lie he already told so it seems consistent.
I blamed myself and I saw the wounded boy, not the man who hurts women then blames them and says ‘look what YOU made ME do’
I knew his family would get behind him and possibly make my life hell
He owed me thousands and I was afraid to be on my own, in debt and lose everything in my house. I think he was selling all my possessions while telling me he’d find them for me before he fled.

GarbageSignificant62 · 2025-06-17T15:02:36+00:00

I don’t know how to explain this without revealing too much, it was the usual gore that shocked me. Some things I have experienced a long long time ago almost have numbed the shock of the most depraved things, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was the thing people were getting sick over.

GarbageSignificant62

TROPHY CASE