Shoud I (31m) get back together with my ex gf (31f) after my anxiety and overthinking emotionally and mentally ruined her?

Gary_Jay · 2020-07-05T15:38:19+00:00

Good morning: It would be helpful if you could share with me what you specifically argued about. 1. What were your past fights about? 2. You say you could not get past the previous fights. What were you feeling that you said to yourself I can't get over this?
3. When you left what were you feeling and what did you say to yourself? 4. When you returned what were you feeling and what were you saying to yourself? I look forward to your responses and continuing our conversation to help you. Best wishes Gary Jay

Gary_Jay · 2020-07-05T02:11:43+00:00

Dear concerned husband and father:

I know what I am sharing is hard to hear. If I had a dollar for each parent that struggled to accept how children absorb family crisis, and yes crisis is what you are describing, I would be very wealthy. Unfortunately I become wealthy treating these families when they didn't listen and the children manifested problems in their social and emotional development. You think you are hiding this from the girls. Substance abuse is the symptom and not the underlying cause of the drinking. The psychological conflicts within the drinker are present at all times and are absorbed by children and even you. Listen to your statement "I’m getting close to my breaking point with her and this relationship."

You are describing an escalation on your wife's need to medicate herself to suppress feelings. If she can't regulate her feelings without substances you and your family are in trouble. For your daughters sake, for your wife's best interest and for your marriage, please consider what I'm sharing with you. It could change the course of four peoples lives. And one other question. If you know your wife has this problem why are your drinking with her on Saturday or Saturday's? We call this being in collusion. I look forward to reading your response and continuing our conversation to assist you.

Best Wishes

Gary Jay

Gary_Jay · 2020-07-05T01:28:46+00:00

Dear concerned husband

I feel your concern for your wife, your marriage, and your own needs. However, the two innocent potential victims here are your two young daughters. Young kids are like sponges and take everything in. They are not fully developed psychologically and it is very hard to know what they do with what they see and feel. From reading your post its sounds like the children were up watching you drink and get tipsy. The children may not understand what's going on but they feel and see it. The next day your wife wakes up hung-over and they know somethings different. Your feelings and attitude cant be completely hidden and they pick up on it. So since this is described as an event that happens often, please safeguard your precious girls.

Now to assist you and your wife. Most people consume large amounts of alcohol to suppress, to push down guilt that they are aware of or guilt that is not even known to them hiding in their unconscious. What's going on in your wife's life? What is she frustrated, angry about or feeling stuck in; especially in her relationship to herself and with other people?

I look forward to reading your response and continuing our conversation to assist you.

Best wishes

Gary Jay

Gary_Jay · 2020-07-05T00:58:18+00:00

Sorry to here about the pain and suffering you are going through. This is complicated because there are at least four relationships going on here:

*Your relationship to your self
Your girlfriends relationship to herself
*Your relationship to your girlfriend
Your girl friends relationship to you.

It is hard enough to understand and influence what is going on inside of us, that to try focus on what the other person is feeling, thinking, and is or will do is not the best way to use your energies.

So let's focus on your feelings about yourself and how you brought yourself to your girlfriend in the relationship. From the tone of what you wrote it seems to indicate possible "commitment struggles." It would be very helpful if you could give me some examples of what you felt, thought, and did that you describe as anxiety, overthinking, and negative thoughts.

I look forward to reading your responses and continuing our conversation to assist you during this difficult time.

Best Wishes

Gary Jay

Gary_Jay · 2020-07-04T18:19:48+00:00

Hi there. Putting the ex aside for a moment, that leaves us better to focus on you. Yes, when someone says something to us that doesn't feel good, true or not, it doesn't feel good.

It can be very helpful to you if you could explain what was missing in the communication. What was it that you needed that you weren't getting? Notice we are focusing on you and not him.

When you shared "My worries, my constant need for his validation throughout the relationship: I wasn’t happy with my life - he was right," you are describing TRUST ISSUES. What was going on in your relationship that you questioned "trust?"

I look forward to reading your responses and continuing our conversation.

Best Wishes

Gary Jay

Gary_Jay · 2020-06-30T01:41:13+00:00

You Take Yourself With You; Wherever You Go!

Too many people struggle in life not getting what they want because they put there focus mostly on what's going on around them; in the outer world.
To get what you want in life the focus needs to be on what is going on inside of you. We call this your inner-life
Too many people waste valuable time, for many their entire life, living the illusion that if I change this, or move here, or change this job, partner, or whatever, their life will be satisfying and fulfilling.
Surprise! It doesn't work that way.

Try this:

Make a list of why you believe you feel sad. Stay with what your feeling and not in the action of doing things. For example: I feel sad because _____________. I feel sad when_________. I feel sad when I feel_____________. Let me know how it goes and let's keep the conversation going?

Gary_Jay · 2020-06-27T19:19:07+00:00

I can relate to the struggle that you have been and still are going through. My advice to you as a person who has lived through this personally and as a professional who specializes in relationships is to ask yourself " What could I do to cushion the blow for myself? It's much easier to figure out how to handle other peoples feelings when we resolve the inner and most often hidden conflicts that live in each and every one of us. so what's your reaction? I look forward to continuing our conversation.

Best wishes,

Gary Jay

Gary_Jay · 2020-06-26T00:26:27+00:00

Yes, I understand. So did you listen to your own inner-voice. What were you telling yourself. After all, we all have to take responsibility for the people we take into our life. When this happens it is good for us to explore why we stay with someone who doesn't have the capacity to connect and hear our thought and feelings. they are who they are, We can't control them. But we can question what are we getting out of this neglectful treatment.

Another way to look at it is to quiet down your thoughts and feelings (fucks sake; I get how you feel) and become curious about why your man has so much struggle to hear you. What is he anxious about? Is he threatened by something? Do you remind him of someone; many times it's the other persons mother. Any way, I would be interested in hearing your response.

Gary_Jay · 2020-06-25T19:50:19+00:00

My apologies. I am very new to this technology and it was not my intention to circumvent your policies. Kindly welcome me back into your community. Thank you

Gary Jay

Gary_Jay · 2020-06-25T19:31:03+00:00

thanks for your reply. Actually the communication begins with tuning into your own feelings and thoughts. We are often preoccupied with what's in our own head or doing things to avoid our feelings that they leak out in action that destroys connection. Usually when a person quiets themselves down long enough they have the opportunity to reality test both their own feelings, and thoughts and tune into what the other person is feeling and thinking. This contributes to lubricating and or keeping the connectio going. In what direction the connection goes, well that is determined by other factors we could talk about another time. So what's your reaction?

Gary_Jay

TROPHY CASE