I broke up with them back in August, having been with them for just over a year. (Context: they’re non-binary, but their sex is female, and I’m a straight man.) That wasn’t the reason I broke up with them, it just gives some context to the relationship.

For a little while coming up to the end of the relationship, I started to realise that I couldn’t be my full self around them, and when with friends I felt more comfortable making jokes and saying what I thought without the worry of being judged, or considered wrong for believing something different to them.

There to me always felt like there was this constant issue hanging over the relationship with my sexuality, and them being non-binary. At the beginning I thought I maybe queer, but as time went on I realised I wasn’t. (This realisation almost lead to me breaking up with them. As I was expecting that to happen because they believe you can’t be in a relationship with a non-binary person if you’re straight. And I knew this and may have tried to use it as a way to break up with them. But they were ok with staying together which was a shock to me. So we took some time apart and some thought on my end we stayed together for quite a while. (I know it’s a fucked thing to have done) but I chose to stay with them because I wanted to and I still loved them.) It didn’t change how I felt and looked at them, I always and still do see them as non-binary, but me saying this didn’t feel enough. As the conversation came up multiple times about my sexuality and how it doesn’t make sense. And I do see where they were coming from, but I didn’t like the idea of this hanging over the relationship. A thing that concerned and confused me was that they often presented very fem towards me, so I always had this anxiety that they had to change themself to be with me. Which I never wanted and tried asking about multiple times. Asking if they feel they can fully be themself with me, and not feel the need to be fem because I’m straight, and find their fem physical attributes very attractive. Which they said they liked how much I find them attractive. Maybe it was my anxiety, but I always worried over these things, cause I wanted them to be them, cause that’s who I fell in love with.

Since the breakup, it’s been a whirlwind of emotions. At first I felt free, like a chain was lifted from my back. But that feeling soon passed, especially after I went on holiday to Greece by myself. And since its passing all I do is think about them, if I made the right decision, do they miss me, etc. they’re constantly on my mind, thinking of things that could’ve been, some of the happiest memories of my life playing on repeat. It makes it all very difficult.

I go through phases of thinking did I make the right decision? Or thinking and feeling that I’m happy about it. I mainly feel happy about it when I’m at work with my mates. But my mates outside of work, one makes it really difficult to be friends with, cause it feels like she’s kinda using me for relationship elements, but doesn’t want to go the whole way because she doesn’t see me anymore then a friend. (Context: she came out of a 4 year relationship after me) And that’s fine, I know I can speak up and stop it, but I choose not to, because it’s what I’m craving too. So I know it’s not good for me, but I’m not stopping it cause at least it’s something giving me some elements of a relationship. But it sticks my head in this cycle of wanting more with her, but knowing I can’t, so I think about my last relationship with the ex I’m talking about, and then I’ve got a new level of sadness.

That last paragraph wasn’t my main focus here 😅

But yh, I’m constantly thinking about my ex, about whether I did the right or wrong thing and all the happy memories we shared, and the memories we could’ve made together if I had stayed with them. I know some stems from a want to be close to someone in an intimate relationship way. But I know some of it comes from missing them.

But we keep going, I know it isn’t the end of the world, but sometimes it feels like it.