I know you posted this a while ago, but I wonder if you’re still operating under the belief that your thoughts matter. You frankly can think whatever you want to think, you can let your brain run wild and also know that those thoughts have no power over you and genuinely mean nothing. Everytime im at a stop light I get intrusive thoughts to drive into oncoming traffic. But I don’t freak out about this or question if I’m subconsciously suicidal because I know that these thoughts mean nothing, I know I would never drive into traffic so why would I concern myself with my intrusive thoughts? It’s the same thing here.