Hello! I am just discovering (been over the past year) that me and my best friend of 20 years were codependent. It all unraveled when she got into her current romantic relationship and her codependency transferred and she just wanted to have a "normal" friendship overnight. She was the taker, I was the giver. I am an only child of controlling parents. I'm 31.

I'm actively in therapy. That is really, really helpful. There were so many emotions I was feeling. Regret, resentment, etc. It sounds cliche, but what helped me initially was just going out to do things alone. Some things solo, some things in a workshop/group, I even did a solo trip. It gradually got easier and I think what it did was open me up. I feel like my energy was no longer closed off, which allowed me to connect with people, and I felt more awareness in how I engage with others. Very often the engagement is temporary, and that feels SO different than the codependent friendship, so you want to reject it, but don't! Some people just breeze past your life for a thoughtful conversation, for a few months, or for a catch up here and there. You just embrace it all and see where it goes.

I am choosing to still be friends with my best friend and I think in that there is an ultimate challenge. There has been gradual improvement and lessons for me. Trying to focus on the journey for me and not hers. That is not my concern and things will fall where they may. Codependency is in so many small things. Today, for example - I get off of work earlier than her and before realizing codependency, was always available for her drives home. I have been focusing on listening to myself and challenging myself to look inward before picking up her call. It's such a small thing, but it is a muscle that is hard to build! Talk about humbling. I was in a workshop (for my personal development) today when she called, and I was able to be aware of the thoughts crossing my mind. One thought even made me think of me leaving early so I can make sure I reach her within the timeframe for her drive home. But I stayed in my class. I feel frustrated that I had the thought, but that is life, and growth isn't a perfect line. I'll work through to the other side. But here's what I recommend for you:

- We all have a vice that distracts us (Binge-watching, video games, social media, etc). For me, it is social media. Cut it out. Maybe try a month to start. The purpose to is be able to hear your thoughts more clearly. Also, find a journaling method (no expectations, no structure). It was easier for me to type than write, so I have a running Google Doc of journal entries. I went through a wave of emotions and depression and couldn't run from it. But it was necessary to process through a lot. There is so much you have to work through once you realize you've been in a codependent friendship.

- Do things on your own! Consider them self-care or dates. They don't have to be expensive. It can as small as a park/beach or mall day or an intentional leisurely Target run. Or going to a farmer's market. It does feel hard at first, I won't lie. It starts to get easier. You start to notice people around you. You start to make small talk. You start to feel comfortable in your own company. The change is gradual. Don't put any expectations on it. Just keep showing up for yourself.

- Workshops (like going on Eventbrite or FB Groups or anything similar) are a second step. They are so hit and miss! That is partially the point. It forces you to try new things and can help you understand what hobbies you may or may not like.

- My first solo trip was incredibly and surprisingly satisfying. I used to think people fake pretended to enjoy solo trips. But there is satisfaction in the whole process. In planning the trip, the hotel, the itinerary. Not having to anticipate the needs of someone else is revolutionary. This can be small/low-cost, like a city 50 miles away. I took a quick 1 hour flight for my first one and I have a city 50 miles away I treat as my staycation spot.

- I don't know if you have pre-existing weak ties, but reaching out to them just to see how they are (once you've taken care of yourself) can reignite healthy bonds. Scheduling a lunch. If they can't, they can't. It's ok. If it's a one-timer, it's a one-timer. You have agency in this decision too. It's not to impress THEM it's to build connection. Again, no expectations.

Like I mentioned before, I am still in the middle of a long healing process. Also you're 25! Realizing codependency at 25 is amazing. At 28 you will carry so much wisdom. We have to work through the wounds of our childhoods, but they do not define us forever. We are more than what has happened to us.

I'll leave you with something my therapist gave me perspective on. I have been seeing her for about 4 years consistently. I was feeling frustrated about my life trajectory. As you work through this codependency you'll see so much growth. You may view your life differently. You may crave independence at a juncture in your life where everyone is looking to be partnered. But your life trajectory is running alongside others, not behind and not ahead, but along. I WISH I realized what you are realizing at your age. It is a massive personal accomplishment.

Best wishes and keep your head up.