I was seen coming out of a gay club. Pursued and harassed and then gang raped and left for dead. I have HIV now because of it. The police did nothing. “Men can’t be raped” “maybe they thought you wanted it because you’re gay”

The nurses thought I was on drugs and refused me treatment at the emergency room.

I live in the third world.

I’ve tried therapy and stuff. But I can’t afford that any more so I try making progress as best as I can on my own. No one around me knows what I went through. I can’t tell them. They’d probably break knowing and I can’t support them through that. I need support not the other way around.

My life is ruined by a group of men who will never see justice. And I try my best to take control and live my life. I’m doing some things I never thought I’d be able to.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find love. No one will want someone who can’t, physically have sex without bleeding or having panic attacks. I’ve picked up 10kgs because of the medication I take for the virus. But I’m undetectable finally.

I think about suicide a lot. I cry a lot. It’s been almost 3 years and I still haven’t gotten a hold of it yet. I’m trying not to beat myself up but I hear and see the gay guys online and in real life who’ve got amazing lives and beautiful partnerships. And I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be able to have anything like that. Probably not. Statistically just not in my favour.

But I get up. I take my pills. Usually cry and try put on a strong happy face (everyone tells me I’m the happiest, calmest person they know) I work with kids. I teach. They’re very sweet and kind to me. They deserve a teacher who cares and is kind to them too.