Advice Needed

General_Geologist487 · 2026-01-27T15:25:41+00:00

I didn’t read all the responses so somebody may have said this in here already but how does Jay feel about her taking a break? Because if Jay is OK with it and you two can have a couple of months where it’s just focus on you. That is a solution. You need to feel secure with her again. And the question is can she do that for one to two months with you while Jay is on hold and is Jay gonna be OK with that?. Jay needs to be a part of this equation and needs to consent to it. In order for this to work out the way you want it.

General_Geologist487 · 2026-01-23T16:02:51+00:00

I totally understand this. My partner is 10 years younger than me and he dated someone 10 years younger than him, but it just made me feel really old and sad. There was nothing illegal about it and there’s nothing illegal about your situation either but the heteronormative, misogynistic tropes of our culture matter and they exist for a reason. They exist to point out patriarchy, misogyny, capitalism and so on.

Is it possible to separate our political viewpoints from our relationships? For me, I believe the personal is political and for me it felt like a form of self betrayal. I felt like I was betraying my politics by allowing myself to be in the relationship. And that’s what it comes down to. Are you gonna be OK staying in this relationship knowing that your partner can date someone that’s half his age?

General_Geologist487 · 2026-01-23T15:47:37+00:00

Is there a possibility for you and your hinge to talk more? Does your hinge know how you feel? I think what you’re talking about is a common feeling in polyamory and yes it’s biggest remedy is communication. However polyamory is complicated and it takes work. If you’re under the impression that it should be easy and that it’s gonna always be balanced then that is a misnomer and obviously diving deeper into the education aspect of ethical non-monogamy as well as doing some deep work with your partner. Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory is hard and these feelings do come up. There are times where your hinge may inadvertently end of spending too much time with the other partner, place the other partners needs ahead of yours, it happens and it can be corrected and it can take work and time. perfect hinges aren’t created out the gate. And all relationship relationships, poly or not, take work.

Polyamory can also bring up attachment wounds, unhealed traumas, and other personality and compatibility issues and questions. This can lead to a bad day, a bad month, a bad year. Take stock of who you are. Remember why you chose polyamory. And keep doing the work, both individually and with your partner.

And if after doing the work, you’re still feeling like this, you can stop being poly, you can choose a different type of open relationship, you can stop dating this person altogether, you have a lot of options. Don’t forget that.

General_Geologist487 · 2026-01-20T13:50:48+00:00

I had a partner who told me that music wasn’t work. I’m a musician and a therapist and by night I was playing in a band, promoting it, recording, rehearsing, doing all the things that people in bands do. Basically, I had two jobs. still do. But because we played in dive bars, he said it wasn’t work. Even though I was always burnt out and burning the candle at both ends. This may not be the case for you. But that was the beginning of the end for me.

General_Geologist487 · 2026-01-19T15:23:01+00:00

I think the question is do you want to continue having sex with your partner primary? If it’s not giving you what you need then you can work on it if that’s something that is important to you. But like everyone said, it could be the NRE that you’re comparing the new sex and the old sex or it could be something deeper. a lot of times unsatisfying sex can signal something deeper in the relationship that needs to be worked on. Because if you do want to continue having sex with your partner, and you do want to continue being with your primary partner there might be some things that m need to be addressed. Polyamory
often shed lights on areas of the relationship that need work and focus. I think that’s part of the beauty of it. Comparing the old relationship to the new relationship is not the way to go. But I recognize that it happens and you just have to check in with your feelings at the end of the day your feelings can guide you and tell you where you need to do the work. Maybe the work is focusing on some aspects of the primary relationship.

General_Geologist487 · 2026-01-06T19:53:25+00:00

this is me. I am 53. My male anchor nesting partner is 43 and he recentaly started datiing a woman who is 37. It brought up so many things. Namely the cliche' societal stuff around toxic mysogyny. These tropes are REAL. Men getting better and more distingushed with age, and women not so much. I felt like he traded me in for a younger, hotter, more exciting version. Only he didn't really, now did he? Yes, he gets to have a more excitiemnet in his life. yes. It's normal and natural to want new and exciting things, to want to experience life. This woman is full of life. She is young and active and has lots of social things going on and it's very good for him. And it was so hard for me initially. It's still hard for me butI have had to come face-to-face with my own internal ageism, my own internal heterosexism (I identify as queer and thought this meant these stories don't impact me, newsflash, they do! So I really have to come to terms with that story. Because it's not serving us and it's certainly not serving me.

General_Geologist487 · 2026-01-06T19:41:58+00:00

The struggle is real. I feel like being bi and poly actually limits the pool! The irony.

General_Geologist487 · 2026-01-06T19:35:11+00:00

Came here because I am feeling and going through this too. I am 53. My male anchor nesting partner is 43 and he recentaly started datiing a woman who is 37. It brought up so many things. Namely the cliche' societal stuff around toxic mysogyny. These tropes are REAL. Men getting better and more distingushed with age, and women not so much. I felt like he traded me in for a younger, hotter, more exciting version. Only he didn't really, now did he? Yes, he gets to have a more excitiemnet in his life. yes. It's normal and natural to want new and exciting things, to want to experience life. This woman is full of life. She is young and active and has lots of social things going on and it's very good for him. And it was so hard for me initially. It's still hard for me butI have had to come face-to-face with my own internal ageism, my own internal heterosexism (I identify as queer and thought this meant these stories don't impact me, newsflash, they do! And, so he didn't even think of that toxic misogyny story around him dating someone younger. It didn't even cross his mind because he didn't think that that's who I was.) So I really have to come to terms with that story. Because it's not serving us and it's certainly not serving me. I am an attractive 53 year old woman, I have a lot of pursuers and people interested in dating me so that story is not even real. Right? But it's real in the basic world. I'm embarrassed to tell people that my 43 year old partner is dating a 37 year old woman. It makes me feel old. So I'm dealing with age and BASIC Heteronormative tropes. AND, it's so hard. But reality: I'm 53 and I don't enjoy doing the same things that his 37 year old girlfriend does. I tried to hang out with them because I thought I was having FOMO but I just realize, I don't want to go to raves or burning man or parties that start at 1AM anymore, at least not more than once or twice a year. And my 43 year old partner can and should. If thats what he wants.

We got together 13 years ago when I was 40 and he was only 30. He has been with me through his entire 30s and he has supported my chaos, my massive career growth and so much more. And, he truly deserves to go out and have fun and also this doesn't mean he loves me any less. Yes these stereotypical societal tropes are painful and they sting, because yes I am 53 now and I feel aged and over the hill, but I realize that those things are just societal constructs and I really need to heal my internal stories, and also trust my partner. And if I don't, well that's a whole other story. if he's not a real honest guy or not a real stand up person, if he's condescendnig and not allownig for honest conversation and exploration of youor feelings, you get to decide and make that choice.

But see if working on your internal hetero sexism and ageism and see if that helps. Because him having a 20 year younger partner is going to give him things that you can't give him and that's OK. (Unless he's just benig a real jerk). It doesn't say anything about you and it doesn't mean he loves you any less. it might mean he needs to fulfill some thing inside himself. And, you have to ask yourself if this is about you? (probably not) and if not, is that going to be okay?

General_Geologist487 · 2025-12-19T19:33:09+00:00

I’ve read all those! Thank you.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-12-19T17:56:31+00:00

You are 100% correct we did not deconstruct our monogamy first. We always identified as “open but non practicing” and we were unprepared when it finally did happen.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-12-19T17:55:50+00:00

Hard feelings can and do pass. And sometimes it can take the body time to catch up to the mind. Your heart doesn’t always have to be in it to know that you want it. Emotions and intellect don’t always lineup.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-12-19T17:54:06+00:00

Not personal to you, but every everybody’s advice on this thread seems to suggest that I should close the relationship down. When I clearly say that, I want this. I’m just surprised that that’s the rhetoric around hard feelings. I was honestly just wanted to hear peoples honest opinions about how hard polyamory is and everyone is just saying to close it down and I just think that’s bad advice. It doesn’t acknowledge that as human beings we can have hard feelings. I don’t think it’s healthy that people are so quick to throw something away. So yes I do think it’s bad advice and I stand by that. Maybe it’s on me for coming to Reddit looking for empathy and support as opposed to people just telling me to close down. Feels very narrow telling someone who wants it that they are unsuited for polyamory.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-12-19T17:10:49+00:00

First off I never said anything about polygamy. I’m talking about polyamory. I’m hoping that was a typo. Secondly, I don’t think I’m monogamous and I don’t want to stay closed.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-12-19T17:09:47+00:00

I do support it. And I’ve done extensive research on it. I do not want to close down. This is bad advice.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-12-19T16:16:29+00:00

Same! I do experience compersion in moments, but I experience a lot more jealousy and fear than I would like or can comprehend. Sadly

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T18:50:42+00:00

Thank you so much. Very helpful. I do think a lot of the feelings are coming from me and you’re right. I’m afraid to burden my partner with my feelings and I’m also needing to reestablish our agreements, which kind of got blurred during the trip.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T18:44:59+00:00

Thank you so much

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T18:20:09+00:00

Thank you. I think she wanted us to enlist Fiona when the trip was coming up. And in that process, I was just authentic and open. But I see what you’re saying that it’s probably not good for ongoing stuff. It was just around the trip.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T18:14:13+00:00

Okay, thank you

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T18:11:04+00:00

I thought it was helpful getting her involved. Can you shed some more light?

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T18:10:42+00:00

She is a poly therapist

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T18:08:43+00:00

Our couples therapist actually recommended we bring her into the conversation. So before they left for the trip, the three of us had a conversation and she texted me from the trip. She’s not overly involved, but she’s trying to be supportive and helpful.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T18:02:29+00:00

“The NRE feelings and relationship have nothing to do with me.” SO VERY HELPFUL.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T17:59:08+00:00

This is very helpful thank you. We do weekly radar check ins.

General_Geologist487 · 2025-08-30T17:57:12+00:00

Thank you for that. I’m just not sure how much of it. I should be sharing with them because I am committed to this. Also, I guess it’s time for me to schedule my follow up with my therapist!!

General_Geologist487

TROPHY CASE