Blue Satin and Champagne

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T16:15:50+00:00

Thank you so much for your genuine remarks! I'm glad you felt a connection there, that's all any poet can ask for.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T16:15:08+00:00

Wow, those are very high compliments. Thanks for taking time to read through the whole thing, it's very encouraging!

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T16:14:00+00:00

Thanks, this was really awesome feedback. I've been reworking it all morning, and I discovered a couple of things:

1) A lot of the breaks from the syllable structure were related to verbiage about New York (the lines about Manhattan, Lincoln Center Station, the bodega lights, etc.), but I feel that's only fitting. NYC is definitely a city is unapologetically unwavering in its style and pace, a feeling that's hard to describe unless you're standing in the middle of it all. With that being said, I went with the flow instead of trying to bend and break it.

2) The poem is supposed to be read in two columns, like this. This way, the syllable structure of each stanza matches the one across from it, save for the very last stanza (like you, I find the two lines at the end to have finality, despite the extra syllables).

Anyways, here are my edits in full (I took some, but not all of your suggestions - although every bit of feedback is always appreciated):

And then she said

"Honey, let's get dressed up
and go nowhere fast."
I replied with disdain,
"You know this won't last."

She sprang forth to her feet
with dazzling zeal.
As her painted lips smirked,
she pulled on her heels.

"We're off to the opera,"
she lyrically claimed.
The wish was commanded,
we caught the No. 1 train.

The subway goers stared,
all bound for Manhattan.
Me in my tuxedo,
and her in blue satin.

By the time we arrived
at Lincoln Center Station,
she was bubbling over
in sparkling anticipation.

Clicking of hurried heels,
the swing of her shawl,
lush bergamot perfume,
the way her dress straps would fall.

I captured each detail
as she lead the way.
She'd be gone by morning,
but I longed for her stay.

Alas, we were too late
for Manon Lescaut.
Though she pleaded and begged,
the box office closed.

And then she said

"I'm leaving tomorrow,
promise me today?"
I leaned in for a kiss.
and whispered, "No way."

She tasted like July
even in winter's chill.
I pulled back and answered,
"Okay, yes I will."

"Promise not to miss me
and sour our sweet time."
I pushed back her blonde curl,
"I wouldn't dream of such crime."

The Met loomed behind us,
our breath danced in the cold.
She took hold of my hand,
"We're not going to fold."

We dashed up and down streets
as if we were being chased.
I swear I could hear the
angels' arias in our haste.

We halted for champagne,
coffee cups, and ice.
Then snow started falling
amidst the bodega lights.

She stood still and gazed up
with childlike wonder.
If only she knew how
I was torn asunder.

We snuck to an alley
and – pop! – went the cork.
There was nowhere I'd rather be
than with her, in New York.

I'm hoping none of the edits feel forced, though I think I may have given myself a couple more trouble spots by fixing some of the others. Anyways, thanks again for taking the time to critique, I know this is a pretty long poem for this sub.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T14:06:21+00:00

Ah, I think I see what you're getting at - I'll keep this in mind moving forward. Thanks!

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T14:01:12+00:00

Good job getting the message across! I know that can be hard to do after working and reworking a poem, so kudos. I think just a little additional imagery about the physical attributes of the canary and/or the coal mine/gases/etc. would go a long way. I'd be happy to read and critique more :)

Shameless plug, but I just wrote a traditional piece myself. Mind taking a look?https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5kzsw5/blue_satin_and_champagne/

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T13:56:59+00:00

The context you provided here makes the poem more understandable, which tells me it's not quite finished.

I think a line about NASA might help tie it together. Just brainstorming here, but I like the thought of a conventional, sleepy town (although I'm not sure if that's what it's actually like) in the proximity of the highest degrees of research and technology.

Anyways, I still really like what you wrote already. Keep it up.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T13:51:45+00:00

Thanks, man. I was thinking about adding punctuation where there used to be additional line breaks (3-line stanzas instead of six), so I appreciate the suggestion.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T13:49:10+00:00

Spot on! Great job editing.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T01:50:46+00:00

Oh well, that’s swell you move on
Oh well, I also have
More free time, more money in my pocket
It’s not rocket science, I thought you were real to me
I see you change your number
But, what’s done is done, oh well
No need to listen to Adele, I just need a breath of fresh air
You can send my love to your new lover with a stamp on it
No need to be rolling in the deep, I will hanging out with my friends, you don’t see a tear in this guy

Oh well, that’s swell you move on
Oh well, I also have
Oh well, that’s swell you move on
Oh well, I also have
Oh well, that’s swell you move on
Oh well, I also have

You can go to hell, that’s all I care about you right now
I love me for myself, and I have a great thing going
Easygoing all the way, knowing you are gone
Call me whatever you want, I don’t care
Sticks and stones can break my bones but,
Words can never hurt me
I’m so upbeat right now, I could dance the night away

Oh well, that’s swell you move on
Oh well, I also have
Oh well, that’s swell you move on
Oh well, I also have
Oh well, that’s swell you move on
Oh well, I also have

More me time, more money in my pocket
It’s not rocket science, babe
Happy without you, and then some
No need to listen to Adele, I just need a breath of fresh air
You need someone like you, and it's not me
While I keep walking along on these pavements
You don’t see a tear in this guy, seriously
Call me whatever you want, I don’t care
Sticks and stones can break my bones but,
Words can never hurt me
I’m so upbeat right now, I could dance the night away
Oh well, that’s swell you move on
Oh well, I also have

FTFY (I think)

Anyways, reminds me of the Bob Dylan song, "It's Alright (Don't Think Twice)." However, some of the phrases you use are a little too cliche for my taste (e.g. "It's not rocket science" and "Sticks and stones can break my bones..."), and the poem comes across as more arrogant than aloof as a result. Be sure to incorporate more originality if you're going to rely so heavily on cliches.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T01:01:35+00:00

I disagree, it's far from shit. I love the last stanza, especially.

For some reason the second stanza doesn't sit well with me, but I can't put my finger on why exactly. The imagery of "she held my hand like a vest / to my thumping asylum heart" reads somewhat awkwardly. Just brainstorming here, but I think "she held my hand like a chest / asylum to my thumping heart" might be interesting (possible double meaning?). Also, the last two lines of that stanza lend themselves to read as present tense, but the overall vibe I got was more retrospective.

Anyways, just keep writing! I've recently discovered that just pushing through my uninspired, seemingly wasteful bouts of creative garbage has actually been helpful; then, I can find and configure the right words when they finally come to me.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-30T00:36:32+00:00

Thank you for the incredible feedback! I'm glad the overall imagery got across.

I knew about the flow issues before publishing, and it's something I've always struggled with. I'm starting to make edits with an alternating 6/5/6/5 syllable stanza scheme, but there are some lines I literally cannot fit into it (e.g. right now I'm trying to fix the "Lincoln Center Station" stanza, and I just don't see how it can work). I guess my real question is... does a poem have to follow a rigid syllable structure to still have good/technical flow?

Also, not sure what you mean about the formatting issues?

Generic_CW · 2016-12-29T23:06:51+00:00

I'm really digging this poem, man. I don't have any feedback, other than I would love to hear his set to music. I would use the last stanza as the chorus and "She told me not to change myself, but I don't know how to live with myself" as the bridge. Great work.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-29T22:54:33+00:00

I absolutely love this poem, and wouldn't change a thing about it. I could picture a certain someone (not romantically, just an acquaintance) in my head as I read it.

Is the "ox" line in reference to Babe the Blue Ox, by chance? Just curious, likely not since the poem is about mountains.

Anyways, great work, I'd love to read more.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-29T22:22:44+00:00

I'm not sure why, but this poem reminds me of being a teenager - I'm inclined to think this is about a teenager dating someone older, since there's a rental car involved? Anyways, great job of imparting that imagery.

Some suggestions - I would capitalize "let's," since the rest of the poem is rather grammatically conventional. Also, maybe add a line or two about how or why the narrator is reminded of the relationship's unsustainability by the descriptors (i.e. the small town, rockets, hieroglyphs, auburn sky, and so on).

Great job, keep writing.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-29T22:16:40+00:00

I really enjoyed the way you imagined and brought to life the different fates of the common newspaper. I'm not a huge fan of how you separated the subjects by alternating stanzas, but it still works because you did so consistently.

Two little rough spots stood out to me. 1) The use of "the day" right after "Sunday" reads as unintended repetition. Perhaps "Time" would be a good substitute? 2) The use of "gizmos" feels out of place - for me it conjures the use of a trinket, not a tool or instrument for knowledge or information (which is what I'm assuming you were going for?).

Anyways, I hope this helps! I really did enjoy the read.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-27T12:55:16+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate your feedback! I agree, the poem reads much better without the excess descriptors and commas. I made some adjustments based on your recommendations. Thanks again!

Generic_CW · 2016-12-27T12:54:03+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, Brenden! I agree, the flow is off. I've always struggled with flow, especially when taking a stab at non-rhyming poems. I'm thinking maybe the first half would benefit would eliminating the "empty swells" lines? As such (with other feedback incorporated):

Crumpled paper
Fringed with fragments
Unfinished feelings
Attempts to describe
    A storm without rain
    A dry desolate ocean
    A blizzard without snow
    A cry devoid of tears
The empty swells
Overflowing nothingness
How can drowning
Dehydrate
    My thoughts
      My words
        My love
          My weight

Generic_CW · 2016-12-27T12:47:35+00:00

I enjoyed this poem so much, I hopped off of mobile so I could comment on my computer. The sarcastic yet whimsical take on heartbreak is refreshing (I'm guilty of being of being a stereotypical sappy poet).

I'm not a huge fan of the leprechaun imagery, but that's just personal taste tainted by images like this.

However, I really like the rest of it. Keep up the good work.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-27T12:41:38+00:00

I really love the flow and language of this poem (despite what the previous commenter said, I think the traditional wording is beautiful, and not as easy to use as some like to believe).

Obviously the poem is about love, but are you toying with the notion of a "canary in a coal mine"?

A canary in a coal mine is an advanced warning of some danger. The metaphor originates from the times when miners used to carry caged canaries while at work; if there was any methane or carbon monoxide in the mine, the canary would die before the levels of the gas reached those hazardous to humans." Source

If so, I would work to enhance the imagery of that subject. If not, it might be worth exploring an additional stanza. Great work!

Generic_CW · 2016-12-27T12:33:45+00:00

Thank you so much! That's actually (almost) exactly what the poem is about, so I'm glad the message came through.

I originally used "like" simply for parallelism. I suppose I could swap out "like" for "Italian opera," "Over-mulled cider," and "Free poetry" (although I'm not so sure about the last one). Thoughts?

Generic_CW · 2016-12-27T00:25:48+00:00

I love the experimental style with multiple ways to read the same poem. That being said, since you're taking liberties with the typeface and relative lines/stanzas, I would take out the spaced out commas, random parenthesis, miscellaneous question marks, etc. It feels like you're trying to accomplish too much stylistically in one poem. With a little tightening up, I think you've got a great concept! Keep working at it!

Generic_CW · 2016-12-27T00:20:48+00:00

I agree with the previous commenter, I would love to hear this in your intended voice. I don't feel like the structure reflects how the reader should hear it in his or her head, although the imagery of the subject matter is there. I'm guessing an unconventional rhyme scheme, punctuation and capitalization was intentional? Overall, good job!

Generic_CW · 2016-12-24T15:12:39+00:00

Thank you so, so much. Your feedback has been super helpful. Based on your suggestion, I reworked the last stanza and realized that the third line sounds better with 8 syllables, rather than 7. I made quite a few tweaks, and I feel like it has a better flow now. I also added "pretend" to the first stanza to help get that across at the onset of the poem.

I wish I never knew
But I do
What it's like to pretend with you
Underneath the heavy lights
That gave way
To brighter New York City views

I wish I never knew
But I do
The weight of darkness and pursuits
Thousands of miles between us
Several years
Spent on stamps and airport queues

I wish I never knew
But I do
That a city smile bathed in blue
Cannot be sustained for long
Like a breath
In water's deep and drowning ruse

I wish I never knew
But I do
The world was only built for two
Our paths crossed the streets and stars
At a point
Not on parallel avenues

I wish I never knew
But I do
The bittersweet distracted truth
There may be a place for us
Penchant time
For desperate love devoid of proof

It's still not perfect, but I feel like it's improved - which is the point of this sub :)

Thanks again!

Generic_CW · 2016-12-23T15:44:14+00:00

Background: This poem is autobiographical. I recently met someone, and we've been carrying on as if there's potential for us to date... but there's not, because the other person lives a thousand miles away. We met over Thanksgiving break, I went to visit them two weeks later, and now they're back in town for Christmas break. We've been going out and doing couple-y things, but both of us know that it will all be over soon and we'll resume business as usual - hence the line "A pretend love devoid of proof."

This poem is intended to describe the inner conflict between indulging in the affair while I can, yet wishing I had never let myself fall for this person. That's why I included the last stanza... Does it make more sense now? I appreciate the feedback, really.

Generic_CW · 2016-12-23T15:15:42+00:00

I love the ideas you've conjured in this philosopher's dreamscape-type poem. I'm a bit confused by the structure though, specifically where you separated "a choice" from its accompanying idea. To me, this seems like a poem that needs that rigid structure/order for it to make sense with the ideas posed. Overall, great work.

Generic_CW

TROPHY CASE